I want to try and be informative and as thorough written as i usually am but at this point in time i’m beyond fuming. I’m not the sort of person to get really angry but… More
In roughly two weeks I turn 22. To say im happy and excited to start a new chapter of my life is a complete understatement. Being 21 didn’t live up to all I felt it should have been. You get told so many times growing up that being 21 is this amazing obstacle and in your life that it what you should aim towards because it’ll be such a monumental year. That’s a complete lie.
This past year has had its downs, 3 feet under downs and absolute highs. For me doctors and hospital appointments have always been the usual but sadly this year the number of those seemed to have tripled which didn’t help the stress levels I already had at the fact I had to complete get used to an entirely new place to spend my 21st year because only months before we had in fact moved from my childhood home. Not that im complaining on that part because it can’t be helped at all, health is a scary and unpredictable thing.
For the first couple of months regarding my mental health I was in a completely stable place which took a few years but I felt comfortable in doing things without the complete panic meltdown following on from it. That was an achievement within itself for me so i thought great this is my 21st year starting off the way it should be.
And then June came and my life seemed to take an absolute tumble from there. Things happened meaning my trust in people was at an absolute zero and I was back to my panicking self about going out and even leaving my bedroom. That itself sent me to an even worse place mentally what with finally being able to feel that freedom and then having it ripped from me because of something that was completely out of my control.
However I suppose looking on the positive side of that downhill spiral, I had more motivation to get myself back to the woman who started that year and how i was in feeling freely within myself. Give it a few months and me completely losing myself as a person to maybe the end of November, beginning of December at a push and i finally felt happy within myself and within what was happening in my life.
I mean they say in life that everything happens for a reason but when something bad happens you cant help but lose focus on the positives of that situation and find yourself getting even more in the depths of your emotions which can be damaging and for me at the time it really was, I felt like I had been completely ruined in a sense everything about me had disappeared.
Thankfully with a little bit of help from the love im surrounded by im able to end my 21st year the happiest I’ve ever been which in itself is a scary thought but I’ve learnt that if you’re to do anything in life its to just go along with it and don’t ever be afraid of the negative what might happens and just think about the positives that could happen and you’ll find yourself feeling as free as you can be.
Also believe in yourself more. This year has taught me that if you truly know who you are then that’s all that matters. The way you feel about yourself is the truest version of you there could be. Be kind and I don’t know maybe purchase wrinkle cream (?) but please under no circumstances play Taylor swift 22.
When I say 2018 was a roller coaster year i wish it was for added effect on how it was but honestly i don’t think I’ve had a year that’s been more emotionally up and down then this year has been.
The first few months were pretty good, my anxiety was under control at a level I was comfortable with and i was travelling to places i never thought I’d be able to travel too. For me that was a big confidence boost because i honestly thought i would never in my life be able to reach a point in which i felt able to travel so freely as i did then.
And then the middle of the year happened. I could go into detail but its boring and not worth the hassle but my heart was well and truly broken, stamped on and then discarded for the first time ever and holy crap it hurt. I honestly felt it physically and that was something I had never experienced before. Sadly, through no fault but my own it made me go back into that person i once was. I couldn’t go on nights out without having to go home early because i was so anxious i was throwing up and crying, i spent pretty much every day crying in bed because i was just so down, sad and anxious about who i was as a person and everything that was happening. I had slowly gone back to being that person that confined themselves into an environment that they felt safe in, in my case, home.
And then I sort of had a realisation of what am i doing? 21 and i feel suffocated and just depressed with life, completely and utterly done with every aspect and that wasn’t right. No one at any age should be feeling that sort of emotion about life. So i had a good moment or 5 to myself and started to just focus on me and who i wanted to be and what i wanted to do in order to make only myself happy and eventually i got back into the grind of things again and luckily for me the travelling aspect of it hadn’t been affected as badly as i thought it may have been. Life was somewhat good.
Then the end of 2018 happened. Sometimes in life you go into situations to have a good time and then it goes past the extent of that. You do one thing that you regret and suddenly are made out to be this person that you know and people who are close to you know you are not. I could fight my case on so many things that have happened to me in life and really tell the truth but quite frankly its exhausting and i don’t feel the need too. I also don’t feel the need to have to prove my mental health to anyone which is the big factor. I’m completely fine with other people thinking i have no mental health problems like go on you go off on how this whole elaboration of my 21 years is just this story i want to portray, that’s fine with me. I’ve had to justify myself for so many years that if i know who i am and what i’m going through then go off on your rumours because i don’t need strangers to justify what is wrong with me and what isn’t.
To make the end of 2018 even worse my family got bad news on top of bad news and it just felt never-ending and that we’re never getting a break. My family has been through so much that honestly a month or so of just peace is really not that selfish to ask for. I don’t care to elaborate anymore on this however as it’s a personal family matter.
Then December happened. This month has been quite possibly the weirdest month. I started this month off in a really bad place. My head and emotions were everywhere, events in life were having me stretched every possible way and I really didn’t see my 2018 ending well. I then found the absolute light of my life and every way is different now. I love myself, life and just everything in general and I’ve never been happier.
So if anything 2018 has taught me that you make mistakes, you learn from them and you become a better person. You get rid of anything that’s not good for your body or mind and you learn to love yourself. Trust also comes in people in different forms but then so does deceit and you have to let that wall down in order to figure out which one of them that person is. You’ll get hurt but you’ll get over it and you’ll get even more amazing things arrive from the things you have learnt from that hurt. Don’t be hateful to people who make their opinion on you based on what they hear, you probably wouldn’t like yourself neither. Be confident in life and the way it’s heading because everything happens for a reason and eventually you’ll get to that part of maybe not where you want to be but definitely where you need to be.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. See you in 2019
Some of you may or may not know this year I turned 21, it also happened to be 6 years since i decided to leave at the beginning of year 11, with no GCSEs, no friends and absolutely no sense of who i was as a person. This blog post has the potential to bother a lot of people which is fine, everyone has a right to their own opinion on situations they see and read and im fine with that, everyone interprets a situation differently.
I don’t hide that growing up I was a very emotionally unstable child, not in a worrying state but i just cried a lot, which led on to alot of bullying in secondary school. If anyone from that school happens to read this, i doubt they would but if you see something you did please note i am writing this as my final part of healing and moving on, i forgive everyone who picked on me mainly for my mental state what with the lack of education on it there was when i was at school, i just hope that now your age has grown so have you.
I remember being embarrassed in front of my entire maths class for someone not wanting me to be in their group, yes it probably effected me more than it should have but when you have a class of around 30 all sitting in their groups and a boy shouts in front of them all that he’d do anything to not have you in his group for no reason other than who you were, that’s upsetting. In fact I did nothing the rest of that maths lesson other then sit on the floor and try to hide merely because i felt like that was the talk of the lesson at that point meaning i was everyone’s main focus and thats something i HATE.
I remember having the mick taken out of me if my hair bun was a little too high or looked a weird shape which obviously happened a lot what with how long my hair has always been. It got to the point that I never wore my hair in a bun to school because i was so self conscious about what people may think of it.
Being targeted for a whole year by an english teacher and having people tell you the little comments she may say about you because you were never in but her not truly understanding the reason of why you weren’t there.
The sly comments that would be made to me, by not even the popular people. Just general people in my year, one I remember clearly for reasons i don’t really know is a girl i happened to class as one of my friends told someone not to play a joke on me because i would cry and it hurt more the fact she didn’t understand the reason behind why i cried then the fact that she was a friend to me.
Obviously through school there was a lot of remarks and happenings because it’s a secondary school and I don’t really think anyone goes through them smooth sailing. I’m in no way saying i was some perfect person of course there was things that i done in school that weren’t very nice. Merely for the reason of needing to fit in and actually have friends in an environment i felt so uncomfortable in. However i never felt like i pushed the boundaries on being horrid. Again as i said im not justifying some of the remarks i made and i sincerely apologise for them.
However in year 10 and the weeks i was in year 11 and the summer holiday in between things got extremely difficult for not only me but my family too. Now i felt like i had a solid group of friends but we were mainly a group of girls which is a whole bunch of trouble within itself. There was a lot of arguments, A LOT , but i loved them like family. This is where it involves people who probably hope for the best that this doesn’t come up but as i said this is a way of me to finally be able to get it out.
As I was suffering from bad mental health i wasnt attending school very much but i managed to always catch up with my friends at a youth club we used to go too on certain days and we had made friends with people at that youth club aswell, now certain accusations were made in which caused serious consequences and arguments and on another week, which i was not there nor at school because i in fact had a cold there was an altercation in which a fight happened, now again i made comments on this at the time which i was not proud of which i suppose made me involved in the whole situation. That was then brought to the school and what with my small attendance as it was i felt like i was struggling to know the things i needed for my exams so it wasnt helped by the fact that the school continuously pulled me out of the lessons i really needed help in, science being the main one which obviously caused more stress onto the stress i was feeling. Somehow everything was then piled on me and i felt cornered in which i was being attacked from all the teachers especially when an email was sent out to all the teachers that i had to be kept away from the certain individual because i was a bully. Obviously my parents were not very happy with the fact i had this label now on me for false reasons then emailed the school to show their concerns on why i was suddenly the main event in this whole situation and being called things i wasnt, resulted in the next day me being yet again pulled to the office, at this point they should have just got me my own desk.
Wishful thinking would for me to have it stopped there because I was just completely done with it, i had not even been within a mile of the place where this incident happened yet i was the only one in the firing line. We were getting drunk people knocking on our doors and having ago, my mum being called a bad mother by other mothers and teachers also and then being accused of following people home. I’m not stranger to that accusation to be honest but i walk one way home, always have and always will and the two people who accused me of following them home i had to go past their houses to in fact get to my house. But again im not here to justify or cause arguments all over again about the past because that’s what it is im just merely explaining the run up as to what made the decision of leaving school an easy one.
Then one day I had gone to school and yet again been pulled out of science, i was fine with this because let’s be honest i was used to it by now. In this incident a particular teacher called my mum a bad mother. I would like to say my mum has been ill pretty much all of my life but she has always made sure shed done what she feels she needs to do and she’s been the most amazing mother, also people saying otherwise gets me extremely angry. The only emotion my body seems to know even when im angry is to cry. I went back to science completely zoned out and just sat there the entire rest of the lesson doing nothing so again missing out on even more of what i needed to learn. It then got to break time and i called my mum saying i needed to come home. I couldn’t stand being in this environment any longer and i couldnt stand feeling like this when i was already having a hard time as it was. Thankfully my parents allowed me to come home whereas the school didn’t. That’s probably the first time i ever walked out of school without permission from a teacher and it also happened to be the last time i walked out of school full stop.
I had become so mentally drained by the years of such a bad school environment mixed with the sudden rush of what the last couple of weeks had brought I just wanted to hide away and never show my face again. Obviously the school had tried to convince my parents to force me to go back to school but i think at this point both of my parents had become so tired of what was happening and so aware of how bad my health is they just said if she doesn’t want to go to school then she doesnt go and i am forever thankful that they gave me that free and option in that decision, its something i will always feel the need to praise them for because in the long run it saved me a lot of damage.
And thats how i made the decision at 15 to leave school and never go back. To this day i still dont regret it and continue to say its the best thing i have ever done.
The other week you were all probably made aware of Mental Health Awareness Day. Personally what shocked me the most was the fact it was made a big deal in the school my niece went too. Now obviously im not going to say the name of the school simply for the safety of my 5-year-old drama queen but as someone who has suffered with mental health problems for as long as I can remember this was the first time I had seen a school acknowledge it in someway. I mean im not saying it was amazing because i clearly don’t know what happened during the day and what the students were taught about what mental health can be.
I mean hats off to the teacher doing their best, but I feel like sometimes children can feel forced and pushed into situations by the teacher and because they’re unsure about what their feelings are and how to express them they end up being absent from school and losing even more hours of learning so the fact that a school could potentially be allowing their students a more in dept look on what their feelings might mean makes me beyond happy.
Of course it does also upset me because it makes me think, why only one day our of an entire year? Why does it have to be a nationally known dedicated day for it to be on the cards to teach children? Students of all ages experience feelings they don’t understand nor do they know how to handle and they aren’t given the information nor the resources they need to figure it out meaning in the long run there’s a bigger impact then what there could be if it was just taught to them.
Yes all core subjects are important and extra subjects are good in the creativity of children but when I was at school you had a period ever Thursday where you would be taught practically nothing but it was known as ‘life skills’ I personally can’t recall one single thing learnt in these life skills lessons and remember half the time the teacher just allowed us to talk amongst ourself. Why cant that be a platform to talk about feelings? Is it that much of a hidden subject nowadays that you’re forbidden to talk about feelings in front of any other human being? How do you expect children to know anything about whats a normal feeling and whats abnormal for their age if no one around them is willing to explain it to them?
I mean granted give everyone the benefit of the doubt, going back generations it wasn’t really taught so some people, my parents being among that at one point, were uneducated in the subject but come on. There are so many professionals and people out there willing to discuss with children the importance of how they’re feeling and helping them to reach their full potential both mentally and physically that surely its worth it?
From personal experience the schools I went too had absolutely no help, i mean they’d state they would and if any parent came in they would adamantly say they will provide help to the needed pupil but as a pupil all i seemed to receive was more grief for what i felt like i wasnt able to do. In year 9 our class was set a speaking and listening assessment and i mean i sailed the listening part with flying colours but you can bet i avoided doing that speaking part with every inch of my life. I came into school late, i skipped lessons in the toilet, i faked illnesses to my parents so i didn’t have to go in. Did it make me feel any better? Of course not because i didnt have the knowledge to be able to understand my situation and the feelings that came along with it. Yes i told the teacher but i felt she continued to belittle me in front of the whole class on the days when i did go in, which lets be honest was two within an entire two terms. Dont get me wrong i wasnt avoiding doing it, i just couldn’t. I could not stand in front of a class full of people, in which half of them hated me because it seemed ‘cool’ and read something i had written myself when i wasnt confident enough to do so nor was i confident in my writing. However every time i asked to do it in front of teachers in the staff room i was denied. I was stopped in the corridor when i would go to History by the teacher loudly announcing i still hadn’t done it or i would be told by class friends that she had mentioned me in class whilst i wasnt there and used me as a not very nice example. Obviously this meant the next year she purposely made sure i was knocked down a set because of it.
Do I feel like that could have been avoided? Of course. If the teacher was more educated and i knew what i was feeling then maybe we could have come to an agreement i mean personally that probably wouldn’t have happened because she got a personal vendetta against me but if i had the platform to have educated me i couldve at least gone to someone higher to get the help i needed.
Basically what im trying to say is education is important but so is education in mental health or just general feelings. You don’t expect a child to grow up and figure out maths and english for themselves so why are they expected to figure out their own feelings by themselves with no guidance? My nieces are lucky enough to know about mental health at their age already and I will continue to educate them and allow them to know what their feelings mean so they can get the best out of their life sadly however the only good platform some people have is school.
It’s so important and I hope more school become aware of just how important it is.
So it’s no secret that I have overly problematic skin and I’ve used untold amounts of products to try to help overcome that, I mean I’m 21 acne is normal at my age anyway, to an extent. The problem is I’m currently on medication that’s side effects are also acne. Which put my skin and that together is really a cause for disaster.
That brings me to my current dilemma. Now I don’t wear makeup that much, I mean am i too lazy to put it on, yes kind of but I’m also just for the extra sleep instead of waking up early to make myself look somewhat a tiny bit better. I say that when let’s be honest I’m not THE best at makeup so if anything i look like a newly released recipe for a Victoria sponge cake. However lately my skin is so bad that i have to wear makeup because to me going out with my natural face is a lot worse than badly done face paint.
I think a while ago I did a blog post on why I wasn’t using proactive anymore and i instead had tried the simple face wash and added distilled witch hazel into the mix. The simple face wash if anything has just made my face incredibly dry and sore to the point I’ve tried multiple moisturizer and nothings helped, so i stopped using it. The witch hazel however I’m probably still more in love with it then i was at the start.
So that brought me to buy more skin care products that have witch hazel included into them, now im not sure how this is going to turn out at all and whether my skin will cope with such a sudden change but as I see it, it can’t get much worse so might aswell try.
I’ll probably keep you updated on whether it works or not and whether my skin has cleared up somewhat, id say in the next couple of weeks but im on holiday next week for a week so I doubt my skin care routine will be a main focus in that, I mean I’ll try but i don’t plan on wearing makeup and im unsure if anything else can fit in my suitcase at this moment but i can hope.
Products I brought:
Foaming Facial Wash, £4.19: https://www.boots.com/boots-tea-tree-and-witch-hazel-foaming-face-wash-150ml-10125605
Shine Control Day moisturizer, £4.19: https://www.boots.com/boots-tea-tree-and-witch-hazel-shine-control-day-moisturiser-75ml-10125609
Blemish Stick, £2.99: https://www.boots.com/boots-tea-tree-and-witch-hazel-blemish-stick-6g-10125654
If these do work I do plan on purchasing some other products but obviously im not going to purchase every single one without at least testing it first.
I’ll let you know how it goes.
As people grow up they genuinely go on quite a lot of holidays with their family, if i’m honest with you I don’t think I have at least one friend who didn’t, which obviously means i was that friend. I never went on holiday growing up. So here i am aged 21 and completely stressing about the fact that on October 7th i go on my first ever holiday.
Am I completely petrified and over thinking every little thing? Of course I am. It probably doesn’t help that i have so many people waiting for me to just fail at the whole thing, that’s a right confidence boost for a girl who has none as it is.
Also no one ever told me just how stressful shopping for the holiday can be. Its less than 3 weeks until I go on holiday and I honestly couldn’t feel more unprepared if i tried. I’ve only just finished buying things that i think i might need, which lets be honest i probably don’t need a travel first aid kit but i sure as heck brought one. I hate pretty much every part of my body so ive never felt so uncomfortable at the thought of wearing shorts or even bikinis in my life. I’m used to just leggings and a vest top, or a baggy top. I’m just very sensitive to dirty looks.
I think part of me is hiding behind the stress of buying for the holiday because I know if i didn’t it would have a huge effect on me just thinking about the fact im away for 7 days and if anything happens with my parents i wont be able to just take a half an hour walk or so back home like im used too, which in itself petrifies me. Only a year ago i started being able to travel out of where i live for a day and till this day I’ve probably only left my town for one night, the thought of anything longer fills me with dread.
I mean don’t get me wrong im excited to go on holiday, like I more than understand that some people don’t have the chance to go away in their life because of the cost so in that respect im beyond thankful that I get the chance too. I’m just unbelievably petrified and when there’s no one around who fully understands it i almost feel like the panic im going to go through it going to be completely underestimated and as usual im going to make a dick out of myself, because obviously that’s what i do best.
I suppose we’ll find out on October 8th if I have the balls and make it to Greece.
I think this is probably the first time in the last 3 weeks that I’ve had the motivation to write something, which is sad really because I was so on top of everything not that long ago, I suppose you can say mental health really does mess with you at the worst of times.
I was probably, if not slightly over exaggerating over the matter, at my happiest 3 weeks ago. I had just travelled, my life felt pretty great but obviously me being the over thinker and over analyser of every little thing in my life had to work myself up over absolutely nothing, trust me if I could even remember what it was it probably isn’t much relevance anymore anyway. And then 3 weeks of hell happened. Honestly don’t think I’ve had such a bad anxiety attack before in my life. Its been so long since it happened yet im still unable to eat anything that comes any close to being a meal or even a snack, not because I don’t want too but i just physically cant. I dont want to do certain things i have planned because im absolutely petrified of the outcome because im not the same person from a few weeks ago, i dont feel like her anymore.
I wish I could explain how in dept something changes you and how frustrating it is to not have anyone around you who understands the situation enough to just allow you to talk. Then again it comes to a point that you’re so used to looking after everyone else that you don’t necessarily care about yourself or what you’re feeling anymore. Its confusing, its confusing for everyone else and its confusing for me.
More than anything it’s just sad. The fact that you get so far ahead in something and you feel like you’re achieving things you never would and then you hit a wall and get pushed all the way back down to the beginning again. Its exhausting and im not sure if I want to cry or be angry at everything for what seems like no reason.
In short August was crap and I doubt September will be any better but its closer to Christmas so we can always look forward to that?