This is something I’ve never really shared with people, not feeling like i need to as it was almost irrelevant with the amazing parents i have. I am in no way writing this because i feel like i need this man in my life, or i need his presence every so often because i dont. Growing up i had an amazing father figure. My stepdad has been here ever since i was three, helping me with all the obstacles i needed help with and helping cure some of the fears i once had. It wasn’t a smooth ride and sure at times we both had a strong dislike towards eachother, once not talking for days but thats parents right?
Anyway, im merely writing this because ever since i started writing i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders about certain subjects and this has been weighing heavily on my mind for a long time. Now as a 19 year old i would’ve expected to have seen my biological father at least once in my lifetime, being told he left before i was even born was something i felt like i had always caused, something that made me feel like a problem. Growing up the fact the man i called dad wasn’t my biological dad was never hidden from me, they were always open from the start letting me know everything that happened.
When i was 7 i got handed a letter. This letter had been sent i dont know when but it had all these promises on. Promises that he would see me soon. Promises that he would get me a green bike with stabilisers and a basket. I never got them. Now as a young child the idea of such a thing brings you some form of joy, the idea that you were getting this amazing thing filled you with so much excitement you forget the source. I was a young child who just thought they were getting a bike, i didnt. Now i am in no way saying that i expect materialistic things from my biological father because i dont need to be given gifts to make up for his mistakes but i sometimes want abit of acknowledgment that he at least remembers my existence.
On my 16th birthday he got in touch, 3 years ago. That will be the birthday i will never forget, my day ruined by a friend request on facebook. Funny in a way, you wish for something all your life that when it comes down to it you realise its not all you expected. I didnt accept. Did i sabotage my only way to get to know him? probably, but to me he was just a stranger and i dont accept people i dont know. Among all this negativity however i got a positive, my biological dad had gone on to have other kids, i was an older sibling but it still felt weird. In a way i was jealous, why did they have such a connection with him and i didnt, he still spoke to them after all. Now dont take that the wrong way i in no way dislike my siblings AT ALL. My sister and brother being two of the cutest most precious humans on the planet. Im just sad, does he care about me at all? I heard he hasnt changed, he pops back and fourth whenever he wants, leaving a trail of kids behind him. I feel like i cant hate a man who helped create me so ive come to hate his actions.
Do i even have a right to be angry/upset?
I hope you change. It may be too late for me but its never too late for your other children. In a way i can say thank you for leaving because if you didnt i wouldnt have the role model in my life today. He is my dad, maybe not my blood but in my heart. I have had nothing but love and support from him since the moment he appeared in my life and i couldnt ask for anything better. In life children are the most precious gift, some people being unable to have them, some taking advantage. I mean who am i to judge you, your past or anything thats currently happening in your life when i dont even know your birthday, i dont even know the correct spelling of your name.
I cant help but feel sad at the thought you find me nothing but a mistake but im comforted in knowing i have someone better with me now. I beg you to not make that mistake again. Treasure your children because they are your world and they may not be as lucky as i am.
The sad reality is that at the end of the day its your loss. My life is going on, without you. My children, my wedding, anything that happens in my future you will miss and thats your fault. Harsh reality.
I wish you nothing but happiness in life.