I’ve never really spoke about what happened and why i left school early, the idea that it was extremely personal made me not want to share it with anyone. I know people have their theories, people assume i left school because of certain people or i was pushed out of school by certain events that were going on, some people even throwing out the thought that i was pregnant. However i finally feel like its time for me to properly open up on everything and how i came to realise leaving school early and without GCSEs was one of the best things i ever did.
As you can be informed from one of my previous posts school wasn’t my strong point, the idea and the environment left me on edge constantly with the idea that something negative may happen. The summer holidays leading up to year 11 i was very closed off, keeping myself to myself and constantly using excuses when i didn’t want to go somewhere. The truth is in that holiday i didn’t feel myself at all, i felt suffocated, like i was in someone elses body leading someone elses life. As a result of this as school started i was even more nervous. The usual nerves of new seating plans and classes setting in and the thought of even more overcrowding of the courtyard. In some way being in the highest year of school should’ve given me some confidence, the idea that i was seen as the oldest to the years below me should’ve brought me some comfort when in fact it just made me feel even more exposed.
As the year started it was bad luck after bad luck, being accused of being involved in an incident when i was at home poorly i was put in an even worse situation, being pulled out of lesson left right and centre when i was already behind and panicking about my up coming exams. The teachers however didn’t seem bothered, the idea that i was somewhat innocent in what i was being accused of going over their heads as they just needed someone to blame. As the weeks went on my days at school became less and less, it seemed every time i would go to school i would be pulled out of a lesson, a lesson i so badly needed and every time it would end in tears. Tears of anger, tears of upset. It was driving me insane, literally. I felt like i was slowly becoming a shadow, i would spend days in bed not wanting to go anywhere, not wanting to talk to people and often crying myself to sleep. As a 15 year old this isn’t healthy in the slightest. I should’ve been out experimenting with my life, making plans that could help my future. Growing up i always had a plan. I wanted to be a photographer or a writer, my two main passions but i never got that chance, i never even got to do my GCSEs. The way i was going to achieve this future was always going to be a difficult decision. The idea of potentially going to university was always on my mind but it never happened, it never will.
My parents were always very supportive, knowing my education was the best thing for me but knowing my health was even more important. They themselves could see the effect everything was having on me, leading them to worry. As the second month of year 11 arrived i had finally decided leaving school would be the best thing. The issue with being pulled out of lesson getting worse, at one point a teacher even lead to accusing my mother of being a unhealthy mother. This sending me over the edge even more. I felt like it was my fault, everything was being piled onto my parents because i didn’t correctly know how to handle it, i didn’t know what i needed to do because i couldn’t think clearly, i was letting the negative thoughts overcloud my mind.
I always thought without school my future would be ruined, having it drilled into my head from a young age that you needed GCSEs to get somewhere in life and i understand that, i understand that in a way they are somewhat important but not as important as your own health. Your health is the most important thing in your life, the health of not just your body but your mind aswell.
Since leaving ive had my ups and downs, being able to get into a special college course adapted to help me achieve at least one grade to going on to start another course before yet again everything got too much. I cant give you any feedback since then because i have yet to make any progress, I’ve been stuck in this bad way for quite sometime without knowing anyway out, being on my own. Your mind is a scary thing and when you become to realise you cant control it it becomes even more scary. Sometimes it best to do what is right for you even if it is often seen as wrong or stupid by the on looking crowd. You are the most important person to yourself, be selfish thats ok. Do what makes you healthy.
Have a good day