30th August 2014.
The day i was going to London. Tumble had been planned for weeks, i was finally going to go to London and meet everyone. Sarah Harding was appearing in the show and we all went to go and show her our support. I remember the day clearly. The night before was filled with dread, something didn’t feel right to me. You know when you can just feel something deep down that gives you that slight sense that somethings just not right. Well i ignored it. As someone who’s first time travelling was all the way to derby on my own, including changing trains inbetween, i thought nothing of it, thinking maybe it was just the nerves of what was to come and i suppose in a sense it was.
I woke up that morning with no energy, no motivation to get up and do anything, no motivation to pack my things for the over night stay i was doing in bath then journeying back home the following day. I still didn’t feel right, something made me feel detached from my family that morning, like i wasn’t able to truly get excited like they were. Dont get me wrong i was excited, deep down. I was so excited but i felt sick, i felt panicky and i felt like everything was going to go wrong.
Before getting on the train i had several runs to the station toilets throwing up my guts and anything else that decided the bottom of a toilet was better then my body. This only made me feel weaker. As someone who worries quiet abit about being on time im often early. In this case i was an hour and a half early and that didn’t help. I was sat there watching people board trains and leave and more trains coming and i couldn’t help but feel more sick, feel like something just wasn’t right but i couldn’t put my finger on it.
I got on the train, no problem. I made the journey to London fine, made the journey to where i was meeting everyone perfectly fine. I felt ok. I felt like maybe my ill feeling was somewhat wrong, it wasn’t. As time passed and as we waited outside to go into the studios, i felt sick again and the sudden urge to cry. I suddenly started worrying about home, about what could happen when i wasn’t there and how i would get back if something did happen. I asked my mum to call me and walked away from the group, not wanting anyone to see and think i was being somewhat childish.
The whole day was ruined from then in, i felt trapped, like i needed to get home because something bad was going to happen and i needed to be there for it. I had constant phonecalls with my mum and she was willing to travel all the way to London just to get me home. I detached myself from everyone that day, staying away from the group and caring more about the charge on my phone then the conversation. To this day i still feel horrible, the thoughts that could’ve potentially went through peoples heads about how rude i was being by not participating or how childish i was being by crying my eyes out at something that could’ve seemed so pathetic to them but i didn’t know how to explain it. How do i tell someone that i have to get back home with my parents? That i needed to go home because something bad was going to happen? Even though deep down i knew it was my mind trying to convince me otherwise, trying to get my day ruined and it succeeded.
Eventually tumble finished and i got a call from my mum saying unfortunately she couldn’t come and get me. I felt stumped. The worry that had previously gone because i thought i was going home slowly came creeping back and i felt somewhat trapped again. My mum however felt horrible, i felt horrible. I had gotten so bad that my parents were sat at home worried sick about me and were going to be until i eventually got home. I got my mum in such a state she was crying and every bone in my body was crushed.
The strange thing is, i traveled to Bath fine, i stayed in Bath and i traveled home, perfectly fine. I felt no nerves, nothing. Just pure excitement that i was going to be back with my parents. That if something went wrong i was going to be there.
This was the last time i traveled anywhere. I’ve attempted to travel since but it hasn’t ended well. I feel like this day has caused a fear inside of me. A fear that is stopping me from doing the things in life i would really love. The things in life that could make me more independent and stronger.
If i saw you that day, im sorry. You must have thought i was so rude, i apologise.