As someone who struggles with leaving the house some days arranging things can always be a difficult time for me, making plans to go to events when im unsure whether im going to eventually make it there or not.
I have an extreme fear, something that will always cause my anxiety to go absolutely crazy, when i was younger this fear was never really as noticeable, being able to take my mind off it by going home early in the morning or just being seen as the non social friend you hardly ever invite unfortunately as ive gotten older and my illness has got worse, so has this fear.
Staying round someones house for the night.
Now it sounds silly because every 19 year old goes out with their mates days on end to get hammered or enjoys staying around each others house but for me i have a deep fear that something may happen that im unable to be there for, whether i be a lane away from home, the other side of town or in another town the fear is still there. Its like my mind takes over and deletes any rational thoughts from my brain, cancelling all the positive out and instead doubling the negative. I’ve always wondered if i maybe worsened my fear overtime by not conquering it before it got to the no return point. Wondering whether maybe if i did i would have somewhat a good break from everything.
This weekend i was finally able to take the first step in conquering my fear. It was the celebration for my friends birthday and we were having a wild weekend to celebrate. The plan was i was staying Friday night and Saturday night but at the last moment on Friday my anxiety had me pull out, the idea of dropping myself into something unknown put me on edge more then i could ever imagine. By Saturday i was pretty skeptical about the whole day, wondering if i was going to be able to go through with it for once, wanting to finally be able to enjoy myself instead of letting my anxiety get in the way of me having a life. The plan was that i would take clothes and if i ended up wanting to stay the night i could, or i could go home if my anxiety got too much for me.
It was quite possibly the best night of my life, dancing until my feet hurt, drinking to a reasonable level and just creating memories. Sadly my anxiety didn’t keep at bay the whole night, me having an anxiety attack outside a packed club with the fear i couldn’t bring myself out of it within the circumstances, I however proved myself wrong (with the help of my little treasure Lauren) and was back dancing before i knew it!
Half 6 came around and we finally decided to venture home, our feet completely ruined and our livers screaming at us to stop. I did momentarily hesitate as to whether i was going to go home, thinking do i want to hassle everyone with my issues and ruin what was an amazing night. I decided against it and stayed the night, i say the night it was actually the morning and i only stayed asleep for 2 hours (im knackered!) but that to me is a fear conquered within itself. As someone who worries constantly about my family when im out and not around them i feel as though that night proved to myself that i could do it, yes maybe my system was filled with alcohol and maybe that gave me the extra confidence i needed t stay, maybe it didn’t and it was my turning sober mind that gave me the courage i dont know, what i do know is i finally conquered a fear after so long at trying to see a change in myself and im proud.