Looking back….

Throughout my still very short life ive had the pleasure of experiencing some really high joys but some really low pain. I feel like as i use this blog as a way of speaking out about different situations then this was a chance to get some of the silly, serious and very joyous moments written down, written down somewhere i can look back on one day.

My first memory being living with my Nan. Now my Nan lived in a 1 bedroom flat in Northampton, at that moment in time my mum was going through a really bad situation and my Nan took all of us in to this little flat and gave us the absolute best we could wish for. Me however, being the not very wise nor very old child decided i would pay her back by stealing her biscuits. I remember Nan used to always have a stash of biscuits by her bed just in case she got hungry during the night, now as a young girl you can imagine how utterly starving i was all the time (lets be real i was a greedy sod) so i decided to take a biscuit and hide under my nans duvet and eat it. The funny thing is when i got caught instead of shoving the biscuit away and hiding it i carried on eating it, to this day this still makes us laugh at how young and clueless i was.

I remember when we finally got a place of our own how me and my brother wasn’t allowed sweets one day so we decided to run away from home to the shop. Me being the clumsy one i am falling over and having to run back in the garden and pretend i hurt my knee there. I dont think my parents ever found the hole in the fence.

I remember forgetting our back door at that property had a step and knocking my two front teeth out.

I remember when we had to move again due to the break ins we were experiencing, the trip to our new house taking forever and me ending up wetting myself at the front door. Obviously when we had no clothes or anything at our house so having to walk around in a curtain until my Nan yet again came and saved the day (theres a theme in my life you might notice, my nans pretty good at saving the day!)

And dont even get my family started on the pickled onion situation. Thats still to this day ruining my life! (tip: dont try and eat them whole!)

The day i received a letter from my real dad, some sort of joy to the fact i thought i meant something to him. Lets be honest i never have.

The day my sister got stuck in a car tire but was in too much of a mood to ask anyone to help get her out (which shes always been pleased to know we have on tape)

My first day of school, the pain i had yet to experience. Its funny when i think back to my school time. The pain i felt when everyone started with rumors, the amount it all hurt and the fact people couldn’t see passed what they thought was hideous looks. I’ve never been a very confident person even when i was younger, the thought of standing out and making myself something made me nervous and then when all the rumors came along it hurt even more. Its silly because they were the usual rumors that everyone experiences. You know the “shes got nits” “dont sit near her you’ll catch something” ones. but i felt horrid all the time, like my every move was being watched. No one wanted to sit next to me or talk to me and i felt targeted. I felt physical pain for the verbal things being said. I mean i in no way blame them people now because i realise that in school its all about where you rank and what people you hang around with but i wish my pain was taken into consideration even a little bit. I wish i could go back and show them just how much they’ve effected me to this day. I used to spend my life waiting for an apology from certain people, feeling as if they owed me something for the years of pain but ive come to the point where im over it. The damage is done and no word is going to fix that so i need to get on with my life and try as hard as i can to forget their words.

I remember the day i spoke with my parents about leaving school, the big decision we had to make and the pain it caused that day. The crying phonecalls i received and the begging messages.

I remember my mums stroke happening. Right in front of me, in the living room. We had a blue sofa, a sofa we have only recently just got rid of. The day had been stressful due to me and my siblings playing up but that was the normal those days. Dad and mum was sitting in the front room and we were upstairs now if you dont know abit about my mum let me explain. Shes in bed quite a lot, spending up to 2 weeks a month in bed due to sickness, these sicknesses can start with anything from an ear ache to a headache so when she moaned that she had a headache we treated it as the normal. I remember the moment she tried to get up to go to the toilet, the terror that showed on her face and the worry on my dads. I remember being taught about it once before, receiving a leaflet in the post a couple weeks before , i knew what it was. I didn’t know how to feel. The paramedics come in and everything happened so quickly. I thought the worst, crying my eyes out whilst trying to remain cool. I remember that night me, my sister and my brother camped in the front room together, too afraid to go to sleep in the fear bad news could hit us at any moment. I never want to feel that pain again.

My dads heart attack, the night i was at my nans and she got the hurried call from my mum saying they were on the way to the hospital, its funny because i assumed at the time it was a joke. Going home with my brother because he was too afraid to go on his own i soon realised it wasn’t. I used to be scared to ask the full story until recent counselling sessions made me realise maybe it was best for me to know the whole story. His heart stopped many times in the ambulance that night. Many times the worst reared his head. I still to this day fear it could happen again. The fear of losing my parents being much greater since both these incidence happened.

I remember the excitement of my first niece. The clutter of clothes i had in the room i was sharing with my sister and just the huge amount of joy the thought brought us. The wait till her birth feeling way longer then 9 months. I remember being woken up constantly by my sister needing the toilet that night to then realise she was in labour. The laugh we now have at the fact my Nan went back to bed whilst my sister started bringing Olivia into the world.

The day my idiot brother decided to ride down the hill on a toddler bike, falling off and the handle bar going into his side or the day we moved the wardrobe downstairs and the spiky bit from the bottom getting stuck in his foot.

The birthdays and Christmases we have celebrated and that bloody caterpillar cake.

My second niece being born. The joy of being the first one to see her, the first to hold her and the one to be asked to be her godmother.

The laughs, the cries, the good times and the bad i treasure them all. The memories and the experience ive gained along the way are what makes me me and i would never change any of the things that have happened. Im grateful for it all.

Ci1wnRXWsAUAqD-

 

Sky x

 

 

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