Some of you may know my parents, some of you may not. If you do you’ll know they both suffer with quite bad healthy problems, my dad getting considerably worse and my mum being the same ever since I can remember. As the youngest out of my mother and step-fathers children I’ve never really known any different. I mean I’m sure at one point in my life they were both fine but it’s been so long that my mind no longer has that memory stored to look back on.
I would like to point out before I go into detail about all this that I am in way complaining. I myself stood up to the task of being more mature then I needed to be and doing the things I now do. I was in no way forced into it or made to feel like I had no other choice but as they have done so much for me it was only fair i looked after them.
My mums always been ill, for some reason, still unknown to us she’s ill every month for nearly two weeks. Even till this day she’s still undergoing tests to try and find out what’s wrong. To make matters worse she suffered a stroke. That was the worst thing I’ve ever had to watch in my life. I remember taking Wednesday afternoon off school for the whole of year 9 so I could go to her physiotherapy sessions with her and help her in the road to recovery. I hated the place, the smell, the things you would see, the atmosphere. I felt out of place, in a way like I would be viewed as somehow boasting about what I was able to do just by sitting there and being healthy. To this day she still gets severe pains from walking a certain distance or just from doing strenuous activities. Of course this caused trouble with my schooling and my attendance, people often assuming I was skipping school on purpose to avoid a certain class and as i wasn’t prepared to share my personal information with them it caused several rumours to surface and i mean im never one to get really bothered about rumours and i much preferred getting the stick about something that was false then being forced into sharing information i didnt want too.
Whilst all that was going on my dads health was deteriorating. First it was his back and his shoulder, having to get several injections in his spine to try and control his severe pain and now heart is getting weaker, him being diagnosed with SVT and now with his COPD. The constant hospital and doctors appointments. The constant specialists and the adapting to his conditions we’ve had to do. I want to say that i dont feel threatened by these illnesses and that i know everythings going to be ok but the fact i dont makes the situation alot worse.
I think this is the main factor for my anxiety when i go away, you see i am almost always petrified that something is going to happen to them whether im away from them for even a second or i go out on a rare night out, even though they could potentially be sleeping or are on their way to bed i have this constant anxious feeling that i wont be there if something happens and i have no way of returning back. I mean its happened on several occasions, the last two times everything happened with my dad i was up my nans helping her and the gut feeling isn’t something i could describe, its like an ache but much more painful.
Often i have to put my own health aside and i know my parents hate it but ive gotten to this point i hide it because theirs is much more important. I dont go to the doctors hardly ever anymore for myself. I spend so much time at them any other time that i persuade myself i will get better and theres no need for the assistance of a doctor. Often im wrong but i like to think im always right.
In a way i view myself as lucky because although i look after my parents i do get my own time. There are times where my mum could be feeling as fine as she can get and im able to spend time with my nieces or often i go up and help my nan. Im able to go on nights out and have a little bit of time for myself but if im honest i usually just sleep those times away, im too exhausted. Im also aware some people have it much worse, they look after a relative who is unable to even do their own things and that care is 24/7. Im aware that they dont get their own free time nor do they get anytime to do anything they would prefer but this is what i live like and my experience from it all and i admire them i really do because i struggle. The things you have to remember, the ones they forget or the little things you have to help them do or steer them away from.
Im going to sound really negative now and its not that i want too but after every hospital appointment ive realised that their conditions are only going to get worse. I wish i could tell you the feeling of knowing that. The feeling that one or both of your parents are slowly dying isnt one you particularly want to know nor is it one you want to share with everyone. I suppose in a way its my own fault. I find out what conditions they have research them and then bring the questions up next time i see their specialist and i usually get the answers i dont particularly want.
Life is a funny thing. It gives you the most precious people/things and then slowly rips them away from you. It makes your happiest moments turn into your saddest and it tests you beyond belief. Never say that we dont have to the right to feel somewhat upset about our life because someone has it worse, thats silly. Im aware and most people are aware that people have it worse but for us this is the worse we have experienced ourselves. This is something we have to have the pain and thoughts of that we dont have about other people situations just like they dont ours. We all as individuals have a right to be equally upset about all different aspects of whats going on.
Treasure life. Treasure your parents and treasure memories.