I often wondered if it was possible to develop depression over time, i wondered whether its something you can get from certain experiences or having your life a certain way that brings you down. As schools dont teach us this i wasn’t very awake to the signs of depression, to what i needed to do and whether it was really depression i was experiencing. I would often think i just needed to get out more or it was because im such a natural over-thinker that it had reached its peak. I ignored it for a very long time, hiding it and thinking it’ll go away and it was just a faze but it only got worse to the point i had no other choice but to mention it to the doctor. So i booked an appointment.
You see when i wrote my post last week on ‘counselling take two’ i wasn’t being 100% truthful with you all, something i promised myself i would always be on this blog but then in a way i felt somewhat embarrassed like it wasn’t possible for me to be experiencing this. I wasn’t in the doctors very long, explaining to him how i was feeling and what i could do about it, how it was effecting my anxiety and my life. So im in a different type of counselling this time, with the same people no doubt just of a higher risk.
I wish i could explain depression to you, that i could describe what it feels like and how my body reacts to it but if im honest with you it feels like nothing, like a black hole constantly sucking you in. Its like you can see something in front of you that makes you happy but for some reason no matter how hard you try to stretch your arm out to it you never reach. That you see the light but for some reason your feet remain in the darkness. You see the main thing everyone says is ‘why dont you talk to someone’ but when you have a family like mine you often get pushed to the back, especially when you have drama filled siblings like mine, so i left it. Lately things have gone on that haven’t helped, things have pushed me even more to the edge than i was. Made me want to hide my problems even more.
If im completely honest with you i wasn’t going to write this post, i wasn’t going to highlight the fact i have yet again another issue in my life but i felt like it needs to be talked about. So many times people hide their depression because they feel its something to be ashamed of, they’re made to feel like they need to hide it from the attitude they get from some people but it really cant be helped. You see your brain works in funny ways and you can only feel what you brain, heart and body feels. You can only copy them emotions and play them out like the video game your life is. You cant control what happens, you cant stop something going on i mean sure you can learn to cope with it but thats all it’ll be, you coping.
As always they made me fill out a risk form, im not going to share my results online purely because its something i for now would like to keep private but they weren’t very good. Im aware that i have yet another lot of medication to take and im aware that my body will probably get used to it, it always does.
Many people have said ive become distant with them lately and for that i apologise. I know I’ve put stuff up on my social medias about not having anyone there and that can be hurtful to some people so i apologise but when you’re in such a down moment you cant think of those good thoughts that usually keep you going. I mean sure deep down i know you’re there, i know i have you always and i know i can count on you but when your mind plays tricks on you it has you thinking things that may not even be true or they may be. I dont know. Im slowly starting to get myself back into what i used to do, stopping myself hiding away and trying not to cancel plans i doubt i’ll be back to normal any time soon but i hope eventually i will get there. I have my first counselling session on the 13th October so i will let you know then how it goes.
Have a good day