Since today marks 4 years since i made the daring decision to leave school i thought i may aswell give you all an update on my life since, the things I’ve done and whether i have improved in some areas or not.
I remember me leaving school like it was yesterday. I agree although there were other reasons involved for the final decision the main one was my health. After having a tough first month or so in year 11 i had encountered more meetings in the offices of various teachers or having accusations thrown my way at the fact teachers were sending emails around about various situations. I must admit to this day i have completely gotten over any other situation that was to do with me leaving mainly because we were children then and now we are adults, those things dont matter but the one thing i wont get over is how badly the teachers had a part in making my mental health worse. This meant for weeks i had been speaking to my parents about leaving and even though my dad is very strict with education he saw the effect it was having on me and let me choose my own route in life.
I wish i could sit here and say that it was one of the easiest decisions and routes i could’ve taken but it was far from it. I knew leaving school could be difficult but not as difficult as it was showing. After staying out of education fully for a whole year, mainly to focus on myself and just find a stable place i could rest my mind, i decided to go to Tresham college and see if there was potentially a course i could take to help me achieve at least one GCSE style level. If im honest with you i tried looking at courses to take online and other ways to get the level of achievement but i was either unable to find the funds or the situation made me too anxious so i eventually settled on a course. Luckily the course i went on was nothing like a school as we were allowed to leave the room if we felt like we needed a minute or two on our own and we had a break every now and again to stretch our legs, not to mention there was only about 5 of us in a class which lasted no longer than a couple of hours. So i felt settled, almost like this was the environment i was able to handle and i was, i got very friendly with the teacher and everyone on my course and eventually went on to get a B in English along with other life skills i may need. So the end to that course was bitter sweet for me, i wanted it to end so i could go onto bigger and better things but i didn’t as in a way that was my comfort blanket to everything i had.
The time came however and i could choose to go on another course in the direction i wanted or i could choose to go on to a princes trust course, now before i get into my experience i would like to point out that princes trust it the best opportunity ever, it gives experiences that we ourselves couldn’t even dream of, not only that but it gives you good credibility for the future. However it was a full class, full days and full commitment and i just couldn’t handle it. I mean for the first couple of weeks i was anxious but able to cope, i felt like i could potentially do this and i was able to finally make something of myself. With the princes trust course you get a week away to a destination your college chooses and my college chose a place in the middle of nowhere with about a 4 hour drive home. This petrified me, every second of every day i felt physically ill with anxiety about what could potentially happen,every second i would worry that the fact i was so far away would make something happen and i just felt uncomfortable, like i was being pushed instead of being encouraged. To make matters worse something did happen, my dad sadly got poorly and i got a call from my mum and just completely broke down in the bedroom of the place we were staying. The sad thing is my mum having to persuade the lady who was in charge to allow someone to come and get me as the lady in charge was almost questioning my mum to see how much truth was in what she was saying, i felt humiliated, almost like they were trying to accuse me of something, this meant the wait to get home was longer and the wait to see if everything was okay was longer and i just felt more anxious by the second. This meant when i eventually did get back home and was due back on the course that i just couldn’t help with feeling anxious 24/7. Like i was being judged by every single person and almost like they were gossiping about me whilst i had been away. In an instant all that progress i had made by being able to be in that type of environment was gone and i just had to get out, i had to leave the course and once again remain hidden in my bedroom.
This is when i got probably the worst i had ever been up until that point. I stayed hidden in my room for weeks on end not really wanting to be involved in anything and not really keeping contact with anyone. I knew i needed help but it was the idea of once again making progress and it being completely dashed that made me not even want to bother, this is when i first got into counselling. My mum persuaded me to go and see a doctor which lead to several medications and a couple of years of counselling which if im honest didn’t do very much in helping me achieve any type of goals i mean how could it when you basically just fill in a form and then leave.
This is when i gave up, kept hidden and decided to do what i do best and care for my family. I hardly went out for months and would stay hidden away, making sure my family members were getting their medication and being looked after in the way they needed to be, luckily i had friends that didn’t give up and on new years day this year they persuaded me to go on my first night out. Im not going to lie with abit of alcohol in my system i feel like a different person, like im able to concur the world and do everything i want to achieve but im not silly enough to think i can be drunk every second of my life and get away with it, so i went back to being hidden.
I must admit although i have improved in some areas, i go out to special occasions often pushing myself (this was only once may i add) to stay at someones house. Which i hadn’t been able to do for a long time due to the anxiety that came with it. I have gotten worse in other areas, for instant i cant go anywhere on my own, i cant be away from my parents for too long, i cant be away from my mum for even a second without that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is horribly wrong, i cant do public transport, probably one of the worst things. I just cant be me and thats the most damaging thing.
I now go on to the next 4 years. Im unsure what they will bring and if there will be any improvements or whether ill just keep going downhill. Life is a complicated thing but we just have to go with the flow and take ourselves where it wants to lead us.
Have a good day