As promised, the update to my second journey of counselling.
I wish i could come on here and write how perfect it all was and how wrong i was about what i thought might happen but i wasn’t, in a way i felt almost as though it was even worse this time, making me question do i even bother going back next week?
As my counselling is located currently at my doctors surgery i get a text notification reminding me of the appointment the day before, so Wednesday come and so did the notification, with that notification was the realization i was getting the exact same counselor i had last time. I suppose in a way that was a good thing as i wouldn’t have to go over everything from previous years but with how badly everything was handled at counselling 2 years ago it made me even more on edge and nervous.
Turns out i had my appointment on the worse day possible as it was flu jab day so the doctors was filled with people lining up, not that i had an issue i mean they were there for the better of their health it just made me feel 10X more anxious. My appointment was at 2, i think i eventually went in at 2:30.
When i first got in there i could tell she noticed me straight away, telling me she had noticed my name and was wondering if i was the same person. She then proceeded to ask me to fill out the most ridiculous form again and i did. As some of the questions were quite important i took my time, only to feel pressured into being faster because she was getting bored. We then had a catch up on what had been happening in the last 2 years and whether anything worse had happened in my family (how long did she have?). After filling her in with the important things we looked at my results for the questionnaire. You see at wellbeing they add your scores up to determined how bad you are. My personal opinion on that method isn’t very polite nor is it something i wish to voice at this moment in time but the fact im being judged how bad i am on which number out of 3 i circle is ridiculous.
Anyway, It came up that my depression was a 23 when it was meant to be at 10 to be classed as a ‘normal’ human and although my anxiety had gone down from previous counselling it still was at a high 19 when it should be at 8. Now on the questionnaire there is a variety of questions you are made to answer about your state of health and your thoughts, questions which i took very seriously only to be asked what my plans were? This took me back abit as i wondered what she could possibly benefit from asking me that question, why would she ask me what my plans and whether i have plans to end my own life? I felt like i was some sort of joke to her, like she was laughing at the different aspects of my life. I felt humiliated and in the end i ended up not focusing on her at all, focusing on the different things around her or certain things she would do at certain times, giving anything but her my attention.
At the end of the session i was handed a piece of paper that i was told to keep as a diary for the week as she thought i wasn’t doing enough things in my life and this was the reason my thoughts are the way they were. Now as someone who spends every second of her day not being able to rest i only had to laugh at this comment. I sometimes dont even get more than 4 hours sleep because im so busy doing everything but i just wasn’t in the mood anymore. She then told me i needed to change my thoughts in order to be happy within myself (i wish it was that easy)
Now i am in no way accusing this woman of having a certain behavior towards me nor am i saying that she is bad in her professional but honestly its a waste of my time and i know that, i know this is going to be exactly like it was the last time and im not going to achieve nothing with it. I feel claustrophobic, almost as though i cant truly tell my thoughts without it being judged or classed as somewhat pathetic. I get my negative attitude towards it probably doesn’t help but when you’re told for so long that you need to ask for help and then when you do its nothing but what i am receiving you cant help but be negative about everything else around you.
My next appointment is next week so the 20th October. I will go mainly because ive made a promise to someone that i would at least try so i will update you on whether that goes any better when it happens.
Have a good day