As an anxiety sufferer you tend to be able to hide your anxiety attacks when you’re out in the open, only occasionally does it over take you to the point it shows itself to you and others around you. When this happens not only does it cause you to be extremely embarrassed but it also leaves you with this feeling inside that doesn’t go away for a long long time.
Unluckily i have experienced this many a time. I suppose you can call me weak but it gets to me often. I have broken down on a coach for hours, i’ve broken down in London in front of so many people and the other day i broke down, more than once in front of a room full of people.
You see i have never had it happen on an special event before, somewhere that is so close knit that it would be obvious if something was wrong. I could feel it coming, i always can. Its almost like someone takes over your body, similar to that feeling when you know you’re going to be sick and you get that few second where you’ve suddenly turned boiling hot and you feel confused by your surrounding before throwing up, that. The problem with me is 9 times out of 10 i cry. Its just my natural emotion to everything. Now when you’re in a room full of people crying isn’t really the thing you want to do as it isn’t something you can hide nor is it something you want to ruin someones party but its an emotion you can never control.
I could feel the tears taking over my eyes so i tried everything to distract myself, everything to stop myself feeling and to stop myself ruining the evening as we were having so much fun. I was also hoping no one would notice but being able to only hold a conversation by nodding and a not very convincing facial expression, friends like mine just new instantly, they always do. Im not sure if they fully understand it to an extent but the fact they know whats happening and when i need space is something i will always treasure forever, the fact they were trying to cheer me up and even took me out the room until i was able to calm myself down to a degree filled my heart with nothing but happiness.
Sadly there was just something about that night, i cant explain fully but the panics just kept coming and it was coming to the point i felt uncomfortable in the surroundings, like everyone was aware and i was ruining their night. Also i was very exhausted, i always am but with it constantly coming at me i knew the only way to stop it was to go home. I feel like home is my safe haven, my mum in fact. Even though sometimes they’re so bad she cant help, i feel safe knowing i am at home and i am able to cry for hours in my room without my mind convincing me of these ridiculous thoughts. So i slipped away, didn’t tell anyone where i was going and just got my stuff and went downstairs to explain to my friend privately why i was going, after stepping in dog poo may i add, not my finest moment.
i must admit it makes me feel weak that i constantly let this get to me. Luckily i usually have someone around me who understands but if there is people there that dont understand im constantly in fear of what could happen. Im constantly stopping myself from doing things because of it. I hide myself away because then if i panic at least im not in front of people. Im embarrassed that im 19 nearly 20 and its getting to the point i have to distance myself on every night out because my anxiety takes me over. It makes it worse that the night outs i do go on are so rare because of my anxiety and then its the one thing that stops me having a good night. I feel like a joke.
I want it to stop, i would love it to stop but it only seems to be overtaking my life even more.
Have a good day