I came to the realization whilst staring at the ceiling trying to forget the fact i have a huge mess around me that needs to be tidied up that i have in fact never wrote a post about lead up anxiety. Now I am aware this can also be called just anxiety but what i mean is the thought of a certain event causing you to have anxiety for a long period of time.. As anxiety doesn’t just occur on the day of the event it can start from weeks before, the mere thought of it sending you into a panic. At this current moment in time i am in fact going through this, an upcoming mouth surgery i have to have playing in the back of my mind constantly. The thought absolutely terrifying me.
Personally i go through this many times, often leaving things till the last possible moment i can purely so the length of time i have anxiety about it is shortened. I remember when i traveled to bath and the whole 5 hour journey there i was in a pure panic and in tears on the phone the whole time. The night before that i cried myself to sleep at the thought, it petrifying me that i would have to go so far and leave so much behind for a period of days. This had occurred since the day i brought my tickets, im not saying i wasn’t excited because i was. It was a weekend to be able to go to the x factor and have time to myself but i just couldn’t stop myself from feeling anxious and sick and constantly bursting out in tears.
Another time i remember is when i went on a college trip, i had stayed at my nans the night before meaning i had already been away from my mum for a night already and i can just remember myself hiding in the spare room crying because i didn’t really want to go but back then i felt like i had something to prove to people as i had left school and didn’t really have anything going for me. I ended up spending every night crying because my anxiety completely took over me and i just threw up constantly, it making it worse by the fact i had to share a room and a toilet with several people so i never did get a minute to myself.
I remember before i got bad and i was able to travel i had traveled to London but spent the whole week leading up to it in bed throwing up and constantly feeling extremely anxious only to get to London and completely break down. Then when my anxiety got worse i would book things but spend the whole time before them panicking, crying in my bedroom and if i thought about it too much i would throw up and be in bed sick for a few days. The pressure on top of the anxiety to go making everything worse, making me become poorly so i never did go, meaning i had spent all that money and felt all that anxiousness for nothing.
I haven’t yet thought of a way to solve it as at this moment in time im not even attempting to travel anywhere or do anything out of my dept as i know just how bad it would turn out. You see ive had many suggestions thrown at me. Dont think about it? Thats impossible when its your main trigger, when you know it will probably end up in a disaster. Go through with it anyway? Oh how i wish i was one of those people that could ignore my anxiety and still travel but im not. I know my anxiety controls me but thats something i need to sort out for myself.
You see many people tell you to go through with something and then your anxiety for that would disappear but i dont think they understand to an extent just how bad it can get. They cater for the anxiety you get at the precise moment you’re going through with it, they dont at all think about the anxiety leading up to it. The tiny feeling that is constantly there throughout your days reminding you about it and niggling away at your thoughts. In my long history of counselling i have never once been given any help with the everyday anxiety, the little attacks you have when leading up to something big, they have only ever focused on a big event and i think thats where they’re going wrong.
Do any of you have a way you help your anxiety leading up to things? Im open for suggestions.