My first post after my birthday i had originally planned to be about being 20 and how i have grown but something has come to my attention these past couple of days that i haven’t experienced before and as my entire blog is dedicated to the situations i have to face with my mental health i felt like it was only right to make a blog post talking about it.
Now if you have a young child you may have heard about the sickness bug going round, my youngest niece caught it and we didn’t think much of it what with her being the one who seems to get ill quite alot we just gave he loads of kisses and sent her to cuddle with mummy however with my eldest niece its a different story. Olivia’s hardly ever sick, i mean granted she seems to constantly have a runny nose but in the terms of an illness she doesn’t really have a problem, shes a healthy and bright little girl.
This situation started on Monday, the day after my birthday, Olivia stayed the night which is a usual occurrence as people who know me personally will realise i have Olivia quite alot. That entire day she was her happy self, running around playing with her toys and being the general cheeky madam she is and she went to bed as normal. At quarter to 12 that night i was called by my mum with Olivia crying out for me, she had thrown up and suddenly become very hot. This was strange for us as we had known about the stomach bug but as Olivia was so well during the day it was sort of out of the blue. I wont go into detail about that night because if im honest with you it was horrible and the most petrifying night of my life and probably the scariest night for poor Olivia bless her soul who didn’t like being poorly one bit.
The one thing i did notice about that night however is how anxious i got, now in the general sickness area im pretty alright, i dont have a fear of being sick or a fear involving the look or smell. Having had loads of encounters with sick in my life what with my mums illness and her being sick almost every other week since i was younger it was sort of like a ‘oh sick’ situation. This time was different, i was trying to stay strong but i was sweating, my hands were uncontrollably shaking and i just couldn’t stop talking, whether that was out of nervousness or what i dont know but i was thinking every little scenario in my head and muttering out. That night i didn’t sleep, i sat and pretty much stared at Olivia the entire night, freaking out at the littlest sound she made or jumping up when she moved to get comfy and i didn’t understand it. I had never been this way before and granted it was a scary situation but i thought i would get over it like any other.
But here i am sitting and writing this exactly 24 hours after she threw up and im still as anxious and petrified as i was when it happened. I haven’t stopped shaking nor have i stopped the horrible thoughts and events of that going through my head and granted to some of you i could be going completely over the top but what you have to remember is i have never experienced this before so it was beyond petrifying.
Today she has eaten a few yogurts and some bread and to be honest with you i doubt i will sleep tonight. Im beyond petrified even when shes happy and seems a hell of alot better, her temperatures down and she seems back to her normal self but what with her being that way yesterday during the day i cant help but think it may happen again tonight, fingers crossed it doesn’t please.
Im not sure how to handle this as it is quite possibly the longest anxiety attack i have ever had and absolutely nothing is calming me down. I’ve tried all the usual and absolutely no luck. Im just very confused about the whole situation and the way my body has acted towards it. If im honest with you im exhausted, not from staying up all night but from the anxiety that has taken over my body. This is probably the first event where i dont have an answer for it, im as confused as anyone else. I have never ever experienced such anxiety so strong and bad and for so long before and i hope i dont ever again. Im hoping eventually it will fizz out like normal but that could be days from now, i’ll keep you posted and let you know eventually when i feel back to my usual self, if thats possible.
Have a good day