For this blog post i thought i would talk about the insecurities that come along with my anxiety as i feel as though that should be made just as big of an issue as the anxiety is. As it is we aren’t seen as something important or worth while to acknowledge but with the fact hardly anyone around us is truly aware of the causes of anxiety means along with the anxiety comes a hell of a lot more insecurities.
I basically live my life clouded by insecurities and fear. If im not scared of going somewhere im scared of the reactions i might get from some people or the talks that may go on behind my back about my situation or my reaction to something. For example, my anxiety has stopped me travelling plenty of times to the point i just dont bother anymore because i waste so much money on travel and hotels etc only to never use them because i become too scared last minute and i suppose you could say i chicken out. This means if i made plans with someone they get extremely upset and angry about it and i cant help but feel as though they despise me in some way even though they are aware of my situation. The issue is, some of you may just be thinking well why dont i say no, im too paranoid. I can physically not say no to someone through the fear of being judged in some way and made out to be a weakling, i assume this is something that i have gotten from my childhood as i was always seen as the weakling and the person that everyone would take the mick out of if i said no. So im left in a problem, i know i probably wont be able to force myself to go when the event pops up but i become anxious in the idea of their reaction when i say no.
It effects me massively because then i say no or i muck people around so much that i become a talking point and they just dont bother asking me anymore, instead they take the mick out of my situation and it hurts me beyond belief and they are so unaware because to them its funny how i am unable to get on any transport. I must say i do have some amazing friends who are well aware of my situation and are 100% supportive constantly and would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, nor would they push me beyond what they thought would stress me out. There’s just those people that dont quite understand the severity. Its not just failing to turn up to me, its panic, guilt, exhaustion and a whole week of trying to get my body to properly recover from something that i am aware is nothing.
Obviously the loss of experience and just being able to have those memories is something that is quite damaging because even though it seems silly, i have nothing that i could possibly share from what i have experienced so far in my life. Im stuck in an everyday routine too scared to even leave my town meaning there is no new memories that i share with anyone that stands out and when it comes to a conversation with a group of people and they’re on about something i was unable to go to due to my anxiety, it really hurts. I mean they arent aware because they’re just reminiscing on good times but it makes me feel beyond pathetic that i missed out on those memories because i was too scared to be able to do something to get there.
Relationships are a main factor in life especially if like me your main goal is to one day settle down with a nice family. With anxiety its very rare that i have the courage to approach someone or even talk to them as the thought just petrifies me. I just assume that as soon as they find out the littlest detail about me it will turn beyond tragedy or even that they dont have any connection with me whatsoever and they’re just doing it as a joke for a group chat. So it never happens meaning i NEVER speak to anyone new nor do i go and meet anyone because i am too anxious and beside myself with panic that i cant even think about it. Everything that could possibly go wrong works its way clockwise in my brain until its blocking the pathway so nothing else is able to work itself in.
If im honest with you i could go on forever about the insecurities that my anxiety brings. The way it effects my life even when its not present which i must admit lately is just about never. The way im unable to allow myself to do things or freely speak my mind without feeling anxious about the outcome of what one might say.
As i mentioned earlier on in this post something that has helped me cope lately is my friends. Where i live i have some amazing friends, some ive known forever and some that i have only recently met but they are AMAZING. I feel as though they properly understand what im going through and they go over absolutely everything in order to make sure i dont feel as anxious at events. I remember once i was at a party with them and my anxiety was beyond sky high so i ended up just sitting there on the verge of tears and almost immediately they sensed something was wrong and took me in another room. Its comforting to know that even though in this crazy world of people that have absolutely no clue what my brain is like that there are these small amounts of precious people that take time out of their busy lifes to understand and make life abit easier for me. I must admit i do feel less anxious about things around them and i do feel as though i can do more with their support around me but i’ll let you know in July how true that is!
Have a good day