My anxiety has always scared me and it probably always will. To have an anxiety attack is a situation i wouldn’t ask on anyone, its damaging. The idea of never being able to go to a place because just the thought of it brings that feeling to the pit of your stomach. The fact that you’re aware it could pop up at any second so you’re always on edge when making plans because you know how big of a chance there is for it to just appear and you dont want to be viewed as the ‘dickhead’ because thats what you see yourself as. My mental health causes such bad thoughts because it makes me feel silly, stupid and like some sort of joke. I mean im more then aware now of how it effects me and how much of the time its my mental health talking but theres always them times when i sit there and just think about how much better my life could be.
Im scared on how much it will effect my future especially when its effected my past so much already. Its like this unwanted bubble around everyone, people are scared of the words ‘mental health’ so when hearing it they do nothing but run a mile. I’ve become used to it. I mean i used to view things as damaging because it wouldn’t make me feel any better then i already did but growing up I’ve come to realise its just a part of life and i cant be angry at people for being scared of it when to be fair theres no education surrounding it so how would they get the chance understand it.
In all fairness i probably completely overthink scenarios in my head and assume them to be the worst and thats probably why they are, or why i chicken out of things last moment but its something my mind will do and over the years I’ve had such a battle with it that i often give up and let it take control because its so much easier and less energy demanding then fighting it. I am in no way saying i do that all the time because if im honest i probably wouldn’t be where i am today, especially in my family anyway. I must admit lately i do feel as though im getting alot better in myself mood wise.
My anxiety hasn’t changed and I’ve come to the realisation that instead of trying to overcome it i just need to try and manage it and i feel as though this thought path has completely lifted my spirit in things. I have plans coming up in the future that i probably never would of planned but the idea that i have such an amazing support network of friends behind me i want to give them ago. Even though the idea is beyond petrifying me now even when its not until July but thats something i have to learn to live with.
I think what scares me more then the anxiety itself is how its going to plan out my future. Im petrified of finding no one that understands to then be left in this bubble by myself and regretting going down the path of managing it, im scared that i will constantly be seen as this unstable girl that shouldn’t be allowed the time of day for anything because of the damage my past has had.
In an ideal world i would like people to suddenly understand mental health better, get on board and maybe we wont feel as though we’ve taken a step back and been viewed in almost a shadowed light. Wishes for the future i guess.
Have a good day
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