My thoughts are anything but happy. I thought finally travelling to London would break a cycle and allow me to have more of my life back but honestly im probably more petrified to go back then i was to go in the first place.
I can’t put my finger on it, for days after going i was all hyped up and even thinking of planning a proper shopping trip in London and then suddenly that stopped and was replaced by panic attacks about going again and being in such a different environment. Which thinking about it logically that environment wouldn’t be as bad considering I’ve now been there once before, i don’t know but the thought of going again is not something that keeps my mind and thoughts settled.
It got me thinking, we all have this idea that as soon as we beat a demon inside of us that it would immediately go away or disappear to a point that still enables us to do something new when in fact its anything but that. If anything it consumes your thoughts even more because you have all the good memories from that one time but you also have all the fear that you experienced whilst trying to get there. The fear that is the route to why you stop doing certain things in the first place. The sickness, the bad thoughts and the idea of wanting to get off at every train station inbetween where you’re meant to go because at least you’d be closer to home then what you intend to be. It makes you feel more claustrophobic and the tightness that was in your throat before almost doubles. Caught in a state of mind that you dont want to feel that fear again but you want to feel that happiness always. Happiness is something you are told to base your whole life around, that happiness is the key but you’re not told how to act when your mind isn’t allowing you to reach your own happiness.
If im being completely honest i dont know if i ever will get to London again, i would love to. I mean theres only so long you can walk around my tiny town before getting bored of all the constant shops that are appearing one week and disappearing the next. I want to go to get pictures, to experience the shopping and to see friends i haven’t seen in a while but i don’t know if i ever will. I suppose this is what they call that wishful thinking.
I know i can do it, I’ve already done it once and proved to myself that it was possible and i could fully enjoy myself whilst im out there so the fact im even more anxious to go back then what i was confuses me even more. I’ve never really experienced a feeling like this before so its all a new learning curve for me, whether its one i begin to understand is another story.
Have a good day