Anxious obsessions…

Obsessions are something you’re not necessarily aware you’re doing. They start off slowly and suddenly you’re stuck in the middle of this situation where you’re unsure on whether to keep going with the obsession or try and ween yourself away.

Throughout our lifetime we probably go through several of these, most of them being normal and completely healthy obsessions with what may be a product or a person (somewhat healthy then?) whereas other times it can be completely out of the blue.

My obsession was and still is somewhat embarrassing and very pathetic sounding. I take screenshots on my phone. Not in the bitchy way or the way in which you would send to a group chat. I screenshot because of the time. If i open my phone i HAVE to screenshot it, granted now it isn’t that excessive and im able to only do it if i feel as though the time has some sort of significance to it but its still pretty much there.

I remember i started doing it because of 11:11, a time these days that is often associated with good luck and then i started to do it on other times like 12:12, 23:23 or even times like 01:23 or 12:30. My body then was taken over by panic at the thought of not doing it every time i opened my phone, this meaning even if it was clicked on accidentally and the screen lit up i would HAVE to screenshot it because if i didn’t i would be taken over by this overwhelming feeling of panic.

It was like an anxiety attack but also very different from one. Not only was i anxious at the thought of what may happen if i didn’t screenshot i was also anxious of forgetting to screenshot meaning most of my time was taken over by making sure that was at the front of my mind in order to screenshot it. It even got to a point that my entire camera roll was filled with screenshots. Below I’ve attached a picture showing just the extent of my obsession, although you cant see the time and this was just a few of them screenshots it gives you the idea of how bad it got.

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Eventually i was lucky enough to be able to get out of the mind set that i NEEDED to screenshot every time im on my phone and i currently only do it at times i feel are special in respect to what hour it is. So the anxious obsession is still very much present and showing itself.

To me personally it is strange and embarrassing but i feel as though its good to talk about it and get it out there so other people who may have what they feel strange anxious obsessions can know they’re not alone and its perfectly ok.

Have a good day 

Sky x

 

 

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The colour run for Mia Moo’s Foundation..

On the 23rd July 2017 me and two friends participated in a colour run in aid of Mia Moos Foundation. Now before i go into the day i just want to take some time out to explain why raising money for this charity meant alot to us. Mia Moo’s Foundation is in fact named after the beautiful Mia who is currently very poorly after relapsing. She also happens to be the niece of my beautiful best friend. Out of respect to not only their family but the charity itself im going to insert a piece of writing that is on the official Facebook page for the charity so you can all be informed correctly on Mia Moo’s Foundation.

Mia Moo was first diagnosed with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukaemia when she was 1 and a half years old. After two and a half years of treatment including chemotherapy she was given the all-clear in December 2015. 
      Mia enjoyed a period of being well but unfortunately after 7 months Mia began to have serve headaches. Although her initial blood test and CT scan were clear, Mia’s consultant conducted a lumbar puncture to be sure of the situation and heartbreakingly this revealed that Mia had cancer in her spinal fluid; Mia had relapsed. 
    Mia is now fighting cancer for the second time in her short life. Chemotherapy started again in July 2016 and a search to find a bone marrow donor for a bone marrow transplant began. 
   In October 2016 Mia’s family received the news a bone marrow donor had been found and Mia would be moved to Sheffield Children’s Hospital where chemotherapy would continue and radiotherapy would start in preparation for her transplant. 
   Mia received her transplant on 20th October 2016. After 5 gruelling weeks Mia was finally allowed home but continued to have treatment and trips back and forth to Sheffield Children’s Hospital. Mia will remain on medication for the rest of her life. 
  After Mia’s first diagnosis, she was fortunate enough to be able to go on a family holiday in-between treatments. Recognising the immense joy this gave Mia, the family have now set up a charity to help other children in Mia’s situation, to be able to experience the same special family time away from the reality of cancer.
  Mia Moo’s Foundation wants to raise at least £40,000 to purchase a holiday home that will be used by families in similar circumstances. 
Our vision is for this facility to offer families affected by childhood cancer a lifeline, offering them invaluable respite between hospital visits, treatment and an opportunity to make special memories 
  Mia Moo’s crew have been fundraising by attending, summer fetes, Christmas fayres, holding meal nights and hosting ladies nights. The crew are always working hard behind the scenes getting ready for the next fundraiser and coming up with new fundraising ventures.”

To follow the charity and keep up to date like their page here Mia Moo’s Foundation

As 3 individuals we decided that we wanted to do something to raise money, we set our target quite high and then went on trying to get some donations. In the mist of getting donation we were also hoping to spread the word around about the charity what with my somewhat high amount of twitter followers i was hoping a RT or two could help in that. Im not going to go into the negatives of the amount of people who weren’t up to helping with a single RT because this is a positive post but i wont deny that it didn’t hurt a little.

After months of trying to get donations it was the night before and we were all together, i think it was only a few minutes before midnight of the day of the colour run that we hit our target of £500 which is absolutely amazing. We are so thankful to everyone who took the time and the money to help us make this happen.

When it comes to the day of the colour run we weren’t really sure what to expect what with the fact we had never done anything like this before and only really ever witnessed it on pictures or videos. It was fun, very fun in fact. I mean granted you maybe got abit of colour in your throat but even with that it was 100% worth it and totally makes me want to start doing more events and things in the hopes of raising even more money.

It fills me with such pride that we did this and was able to raise such a huge amount for such an amazing charity. I will continue to constantly spread the word about this charity to make people more aware of not only the amazing family behind it but also the beautiful girl that inspired it.

Mia, i am forever proud of you and not just as your aunties best friend but a simple onlooker. You inspire me everyday to be a better person and to always smile. Keep fighting gorgeous girl.

Have a good day

Sky x

 

My thoughts on traveling to London in the future…

My thoughts are anything but happy. I thought finally travelling to London would break a cycle and allow me to have more of my life back but honestly im probably more petrified to go back then i was to go in the first place.

I can’t put my finger on it, for days after going i was all hyped up and even thinking of planning a proper shopping trip in London and then suddenly that stopped and was replaced by panic attacks about going again and being in such a different environment. Which thinking about it logically that environment wouldn’t be as bad considering I’ve now been there once before, i don’t know but the thought of going again is not something that keeps my mind and thoughts settled.

It got me thinking, we all have this idea that as soon as we beat a demon inside of us that it would immediately go away or disappear to a point that still enables us to do something new when in fact its anything but that. If anything it consumes your thoughts even more because you have all the good memories from that one time but you also have all the fear that you experienced whilst trying to get there. The fear that is the route to why you stop doing certain things in the first place. The sickness, the bad thoughts and the idea of wanting to get off at every train station inbetween where you’re meant to go because at least you’d be closer to home then what you intend to be. It makes you feel more claustrophobic and the tightness that was in your throat before almost doubles. Caught in a state of mind that you dont want to feel that fear again but you want to feel that happiness always. Happiness is something you are told to base your whole life around, that happiness is the key but you’re not told how to act when your mind isn’t allowing you to reach your own happiness.

If im being completely honest i dont know if i ever will get to London again, i would love to. I mean theres only so long you can walk around my tiny town before getting bored of all the constant shops that are appearing one week and disappearing the next. I want to go to get pictures, to experience the shopping and to see friends i haven’t seen in a while but i don’t know if i ever will. I suppose this is what they call that wishful thinking.

I know i can do it, I’ve already done it once and proved to myself that it was possible and i could fully enjoy myself whilst im out there so the fact im even more anxious to go back then what i was confuses me even more. I’ve never really experienced a feeling like this before so its all a new learning curve for me, whether its one i begin to understand is another story.

Have a good day

Sky x

Traveling again for the first time in 4 years!!

I remember the first day after Wireless was booked and how nervous and consumed with different thoughts i was. I was worried that i would chicken out days before or even last minute and there was no way at all that i would get in the train station where i live let alone on a train on the way to London.

If im completely honest it was alot calmer then i thought. Im unsure whether that was because i was around friends and didn’t particularly want to embarrass myself as internally i felt anything but calm. I felt worse. My body being overtaken with the worst feelings from the middle of Saturday meaning the dinner that was so nicely cooked for me by one of my best friends i didn’t eat because i just felt too sick at the thought of travelling. Our Saturday consisted of trying to get ready for the Sunday as we had to wake up early and just relaxing. If im honest we did alot more relaxing then we should have. Aiming to go to sleep at 9 and still being awake at gone 1 in the morning when we had a 4am alarm. I regret however that with all the laughing we did there was only an hour of sleep before we woke up at 3:30am to begin our journey.

Getting ready Sunday morning was all a rush so the thought of actually travelling completely vanished from my mind until we left. See we had made plans to go to mcdonalds to have breakfast before we left and just the thought that we were so clearly going somewhere not local meant i felt sick to my stomach but i knew i needed to eat else i’d be feeling even more sick then i did. The taxi journey to the train station however, i felt everything in my body completely overreact and the level of tears i was already holding back seemed to higher in level but the last thing i really wanted to do was cry.

I cant really explain the feeling of walking into the train station and instantly seeing the tracks, it was like i was having some out of body experience. Part of me was petrified beyond belief but then part of me was over the moon because i had actually done it and was standing there waiting on going to a place that i hadn’t been able to go to in 4 years! I mean granted i wish it stayed that way for the whole of the wait but as soon as we collected our tickets it felt more real and again i was back at that place of holding back the tears and close to chickening out. When i say i was close to chickening out i dont think many people are aware just how close i was, i was so tempted to just walk out of the train station and forget about the whole thing especially when the train became delayed but thanks to the confidence boosts from my best friends i was able to get on the train and on my way to London before i knew it.

To say getting on the train made me feel 10X better would be a lie. The moment i stepped onto the train i had this rush feeling like i was going to pass out and that pretty much stayed with every knock and wobble the train carriage had. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach making itself known every now and again just to make sure i was aware it was still there. The journey felt like it went on forever yet somehow we were there in just over an hour.

When we got to London i felt a sense of relief, after 4 years of absolute horror to get here i was finally walking down those escalators in St Pancras station. I felt like i had achieved something and almost as though i knew this certain event was going to change my life. Yes i still felt extremely anxious over the fact i still had tubes to catch and there was huge crowds gathering everywhere but if im honest with you it didn’t matter. I was finally in London.

The day was amazing and although i had a few wobbles thoughout it and the crowds where sometimes too much to handle i made the most of it and i wouldnt ever rule out doing again, soon maybe. Who knows.

Feel free to Check out my video of the journey there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkKxZA5DIyw

Have a good day 

Sky x

DrugRehab.com

Im aware some of you may be wondering why there is an extra post this week, especially after i told you there wouldn’t be a post until i try and concur my fear with London but last night i was made aware of a site that i feel could benefit you all in an informative way.

Knowing the full effects of Anxiety or any disorder can be confusing for us. I remember when i first became the anxious shell i am now i was confused and had no idea what was going on with my body. I knew nothing and there was no one there to give me enough information to help understand it to an extent that i felt comfortable with.

If im honest with you all its taken me years to fully understand my mental health purely because i was unaware of somewhere that could give me the information i need, Thats where Drugrehab.com  comes in. I never knew this existed nor was i aware of the wide variety of disorders they help you with. Whilst the site mainly focuses on substance abuse and being able to recover from that it also gives you an in dept explanation of situations that may cause substance abuse. These ranging from ADHD to Schizophrenia.

It splits each co-occurring disorder into separate pages and goes in dept to explain what each one is. With anxiety they go into the different kinds, making the understanding to them easier and helping you in finding out which one fits you best in helping pinpoint your exact disorder. Its crazy really that for so long i’ve wanted somewhere that explains exactly what im trying to tell people and its been there this whole time.

The causes, the medication and information on that medication that helps with keeping the anxiety at a lower level, information on ways you can get help and even links where you can leave your name and phone number to get a call back 24/7.

I just think its amazing as clearly they are a drug based place but to take into consideration that all these different mental illness may be the cause or people may just need information in and put it on their site is amazing. To reach out to people of all different situations.

I remember in a blog post a while ago i mentioned how drinking alcohol made me feel free and like i wasnt someone whos life revolved around my anxiety. Even though im aware my situation is different because im able to control my intake of alcohol and prescribed drugs it just gives you an insight on how easy it could be.

Please if you have any questions or just want more information have a look on their site. If you’re looking for a link directly to their page with information about anxiety Click here 

Thank you.

Have a good day

Sky x

 

The build up to the trip..

As you all know this coming weekend me and some friends are going London. Getting on a train and going somewhere that isn’t only 15 minutes from my house. If im completely honest last week i didn’t really think about it, the thought of it being 2 weeks away made me push it to the back of my mind and focus on other things. Of course the weekend just gone made me realise that it is in fact very close to when i have to face both my fears. However Monday i was fine. I personally feel as though it had something to do with the fact that i was so busy what with my eldest niece having her induction day into big school and then having to rush her to get to Nursery and have her parents evening, i didn’t really have the time to think about it.

Then Tuesday came and quite frankly it was all i did think about, so much so that i ended up having a huge panic attack about it late Tuesday night and working myself up far more then needed just by the mere thought. My phones stopped cooperating and wont charge properly so im panicking about maybe not having a suitable phone to go away with. I panicking about the times and being ready, im panicking about looking ok and if im having a really bad 5 minutes i’ll panic over the idea people might see my horribly stretch marked legs if my skirt blows up. Im panicking about something potentially happening, panicking about getting split up from the group or lost. Im pretty much panicking about everything.

I think the main issue is that because its such a big deal for me and its causing me to panic so much i keep mentioning it in the hopes it would somehow sink into my mind and the day wouldn’t be so petrifying, then i realise i dont shut up. I probably mention how scared i am every time its spoken about. Which means im becoming panicky over the fact people may think im trying to make this whole trip about me, which im 100% not.

Yes its going to be a big thing but its also a fun weekend with my girls so im hoping that i can somehow reroute my brain into channeling the exciting parts of the trip, apart from those bloody escalators i know we have to go down, death trap them i tell ya!!!

I thought writing this blog post would help give an insight of all the things we may go through when we have anxiety and have a trip coming up but lately I’ve realised you can only get so much across by a post. Your personal feelings and emotions that are linked to such a event may only be able to be felt by you because your situation is unique which means so are your feelings. I do hope people read this and know they are not alone, there are other people out there struggle with mental health and making simple trips to places.

My next blog post will be after the trip to London so i’ll let you all know how it goes. Pray for me.

Have a good day 

Sky x

 

Anxiety over a piercing?

If you know me personally you would know I’ve always been one to talk about piercings and tattoos but I’ve never been one to do so. Every since i was 7 i can remember wanting my ears pierced, even going for it one day then being too scared to go through with it. That never changed, right up until the other week i wanted too but i was just too petrified of the idea.

Part of me thinks it was down to the other reactions i had seen, the reactions of little children where they would scream and that instantly put me off. I thought there was no way i could ever have anything pierced because i would 100% make a fool of myself. In honesty i think i was more scared of making a prat of myself then having the actual piercing done.

So last weekend whilst i was out with my friends we all made a spontaneous decision to get a piercing, me being more on the fence about it all as i would indeed be getting 2 piercings, one in each ear, and for the fact of my past and how anxious the thought made me i was apprehensive. I dont know what happened but for some reason i went for it, i paid and i waited to get it done. I cant say i was completely chilled because that in itself would be a complete lie. I was COMPLETELY freaking out, i felt like i was going to lose it at any moment and cry, but i didn’t. Instead i just stood and waited, i was last by the way which didn’t help with my anxiety AT ALL.

I did it. I officially after 13 years of letting my anxiety over the situation rule my decision, i got my ears pierced.

 

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Im aware to some people this may not be a big deal at all and in fact it probably isn’t but to me personally being able to do this was a big huge step. I never step out of my comfort zone or purposely do things i know would cause my anxiety to go here, there and everywhere but lately i am and i feel much more comfortable mentally then I’ve ever been. If anything i have my best friends to thank for it, without them pushing me and giving me the nudge to do something i never would. When i say nudge i dont mean in a bad way or a way thats forceful, what i mean is they push the idea a little passed the boundaries that were there and then make it clear they are there for me and its that which makes me want to do it.

Im even thinking of getting another piercing soon. I will probably wait until these two have healed up so i wouldn’t have to fuss over all three piercings at the same time but more ear piercings are appealing to me more then ever. However i think i need a little more balls for anything else at the moment.

Never say never though.

Have a good day

Sky x