I feel let down.

As many of you know i wrote a blog post a while back on my mums mystery illness and what she has to go through on a daily basis, lately her illness has only gotten worse and her body is so exhausted 24/7 that shes been experiencing pains in every part of her body and has had a dramatic weight loss . I was lucky enough to get a response on my last blog post off a lady who said she could possibly have something called ‘cynical vomiting syndrome’ and if im honest with you i was elated because after looking it up it was exactly what my mum had been going through for as long as i can remember. Personally i would like to thank the woman who took time out of her day to write such a helpful comment, thank you Jess White, because it was the closest we have been to an insight on what could potentially be wrong.

Now as my doctor was always in high command we had to wait over a month and a half to be able to get my mum into an appointment and over that time she progressively got worse and obviously we worried. Eventually her appointment came which when we got there he had a 62 minute delay (which again is normal and we are perfectly ok with) and i wrote everything i needed to down in a bid to at least get some sort of tests or confirmation from the doctor himself. Did we? No. Instead we got a doctor accusing my mum of it all being in her head as she felt guilty for something and felt the need to punish herself.

To say im disgusted would be an understatement. My mum has been poorly for over 20 years. Never in my life have i had the chance to make plans with my mum months before without a fear it would need to be cancelled because she got ill. Shes missed parents evenings, performances and award ceremonies for all three of her children. Shes thrown her guts up for 2 weeks every month for YEARS to be told that its all in her head, that its all a fake reality that shes set up herself.

He didn’t do an examination, he didn’t ask her questions and he merely looked at the paper i had taken time out of my day to write in order for him to understand for the ten thousandth time for him to glance at it, take a look at my mum and assume from that look that there is indeed nothing wrong with her.

Personally i felt like we were being rushed out because he was crazy behind in his schedule and its making me second guess ever going back to him again. Granted it may have been a one off but i feel as though we were shrugged off and my mum was made to be this crazy woman who faked an illness for over half her life.

We are going to get a second opinion, at a different doctors and even to a specialist if need be as personally i dont feel as though anything that doctor said has any relevance to what we asked of him today. As someone who witnesses my mum every day going through this it breaks my heart that at the one chance we got to finally get an answer that we were shrugged off. Was it because we are constantly at the doctors trying to get an answer? Possibly. Im sorry we’re so desperate to help my mum lead a normal life for once but i will continue until someone takes us seriously.

Ill keep you updated.

Have a good day

Sky x

 

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I need your help!

Hello everyone,

This post isn’t going to be related to my anxiety as i feel like this subject needs to be brought to the attention of others as my family is at such a dead end because of it that we really need help.

As some of you may be aware both my parents are quite ill. I’ve gone into detail about my dad as we are aware whats wrong and i feel as though going into detail about what we have experienced will help other people in the same situation. I have never however gone into detail about my mums illness and this is where i need your help.

For as long as i can remember my mums always been poorly, she would spend at least two weeks a month in bed or just generally really poorly but carrying on for us kids, sometimes this lasted longer and for years that was the normal for us. We would creep around constantly with the knowledge that sooner or later my mums illness was going to strike until eventually it got too much and my mum realised it wasn’t normal and went to the doctors. At first the doctors were 100% certain that it was my mums teeth that was causing her the issue to be poorly. How they came to that conclusion i dont have a clue but being so desperate my mum had all her teeth taken out. The illness still carried on the same. Then doctors told my mum she needed to have a hysterectomy as that was the reason why she was being poorly constantly. Now my mum didn’t want to have a hysterectomy because children are always something shes held dear to her but for the sake of the three children she has she went and had it done. Now fast forward about 10 years to finally find out that they had done it incorrectly wasn’t really what we expected after so long. Even that wasn’t the issue as again she still became poorly.

Shes had blood tests after blood tests and they’ve all come back negative. Shes had scan upon scan and they’ve come back clear so now we’re at a dead end. To me its normal, theres never been a time where i dont remember my mum getting poorly so much the only difference is that im aware how unnatural it is but constantly we are turned away and not given much thought because shes able to get on with it when in fact they dont see the effect on her, the weight its making her lose and the fact that its just not a capable way of living. Not only did it effect her life but it effected everyone’s life around her, she missed so many opportunities because of being poorly to the point she would still go to work when she was poorly when me and my siblings were younger and throw up in their toilets because she just couldn’t afford to have them days off until eventually she was sacked but she couldn’t help it as it just wasn’t a thing she was able to do what with constantly becoming sick.

Fast forward to now and nothings different. Shes had a stroke since we were younger and not even that has had such a bad effect this illness is having. Its unpredictable as she can be fine one minute and the next she can be in her bedroom with her head in a bucket or down the toilet and it breaks my heart. It causes her severe pain and even for the two weeks shes not poorly shes suffering because it takes her that long just to recover from it so its a constant cycle of being poorly, having enough time to recover before being struck down with it yet again and ive gotten to the point that i just physically cant let that happen anymore and i have to do something so she can live the rest of her life happy and content.

Im not sure what writing this blog post might do about the situation but im hoping that someone out there understands and has an idea of whats going on so we can get some sort of life back for my mother before she completely gives up. If you have an information or an idea of what could possibly be wrong PLEASE look at my contact me page and get in touch!!!

Have a good day 

Sky x

Looking after my parents..

Some of you may know my parents, some of you may not. If you do you’ll know they both suffer with quite bad healthy problems, my dad getting considerably worse and my mum being the same ever since I can remember. As the youngest out of my mother and step-fathers children I’ve never really known any different. I mean I’m sure at one point in my life they were both fine but it’s been so long that my mind no longer has that memory stored to look back on.

I would like to point out before I go into detail about all this that I am in way complaining. I myself stood up to the task of being more mature then I needed to be and doing the things I now do. I was in no way forced into it or made to feel like I had no other choice but as they have done so much for me it was only fair i looked after them.

My mums always been ill, for some reason, still unknown to us she’s ill every month for nearly two weeks. Even till this day she’s still undergoing tests to try and find out what’s wrong. To make matters worse she suffered a stroke. That was the worst thing I’ve ever had to watch in my life. I remember taking Wednesday afternoon off school for the whole of year 9 so I could go to her physiotherapy sessions with her and help her in the road to recovery. I hated the place, the smell, the things you would see, the atmosphere. I felt out of place, in a way like I would be viewed as somehow boasting about what I was able to do just by sitting there and being healthy. To this day she still gets severe pains from walking a certain distance or just from doing strenuous activities. Of course this caused trouble with my schooling and my attendance, people often assuming I was skipping school on purpose to avoid a certain class and as i wasn’t prepared to share my personal information with them it caused several rumours to surface and i mean im never one to get really bothered about rumours and i much preferred getting the stick about something that was false then being forced into sharing information i didnt want too.

Whilst all that was going on my dads health was deteriorating. First it was his back and his shoulder, having to get several injections in his spine to try and control his severe pain and now heart is getting weaker, him being diagnosed with SVT and now with his COPD. The constant hospital and doctors appointments. The constant specialists and the adapting to his conditions we’ve had to do. I want to say that i dont feel threatened by these illnesses and that i know everythings going to be ok but the fact i dont makes the situation alot worse.

I think this is the main factor for my anxiety when i go away, you see i am almost always petrified that something is going to happen to them whether im away from them for even a second or i go out on a rare night out, even though they could potentially be sleeping or are on their way to bed i have this constant anxious feeling that i wont be there if something happens and i have no way of returning back. I mean its happened on several occasions, the last two times everything happened with my dad i was up my nans helping her and the gut feeling isn’t something i could describe, its like an ache but much more painful.

Often i have to put my own health aside and i know my parents hate it but ive gotten to this point i hide it because theirs is much more important. I dont go to the doctors hardly ever anymore for myself. I spend so much time at them any other time that i persuade myself i will get better and theres no need for the assistance of a doctor. Often im wrong but i like to think im always right.

In a way i view myself as lucky because although i look after my parents i do get my own time. There are times where my mum could be feeling as fine as she can get and im able to spend time with my nieces or often i go up and help my nan. Im able to go on nights out and have a little bit of time for myself but if im honest i usually just sleep those times away, im too exhausted. Im also aware some people have it much worse, they look after a relative who is unable to even do their own things and that care is 24/7. Im aware that they dont get their own free time nor do they get anytime to do anything they would prefer but this is what i live like and my experience from it all and i admire them i really do because i struggle. The things you have to remember, the ones they forget or the little things you have to help them do or steer them away from.

Im going to sound really negative now and its not that i want too but after every hospital appointment ive realised that their conditions are only going to get worse. I wish i could tell you the feeling of knowing that. The feeling that one or both of your parents are slowly dying isnt one you particularly want to know nor is it one you want to share with everyone. I suppose in a way its my own fault. I find out what conditions they have research them and then bring the questions up next time i see their specialist and i usually get the answers i dont particularly want.

Life is a funny thing. It gives you the most precious people/things and then slowly rips them away from you. It makes your happiest moments turn into your saddest and it tests you beyond belief. Never say that we dont have to the right to feel somewhat upset about our life because someone has it worse, thats silly. Im aware and most people are aware that people have it worse but for us this is the worse we have experienced ourselves. This is something we have to have the pain and thoughts of that we dont have about other people situations just like they dont ours. We all as individuals have a right to be equally upset about all different aspects of whats going on.

Treasure life. Treasure your parents and treasure memories.

Sky x

 

My biological father..

This is something I’ve never really shared with people, not feeling like i need to as it was almost irrelevant with the amazing parents i have. I am in no way writing this because i feel like i need this man in my life, or i need his presence every so often because i dont. Growing up i had an amazing father figure. My stepdad has been here ever since i was three, helping me with all the obstacles i needed help with and helping cure some of the fears i once had. It wasn’t a smooth ride and sure at times we both had a strong dislike towards eachother, once not talking for days but thats parents right?

Anyway, im merely writing this because ever since i started writing i feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders about certain subjects and this has been weighing heavily on my mind for a long time. Now as a 19 year old i would’ve expected to have seen my biological father at least once in my lifetime, being told he left before i was even born was something i felt like i had always caused, something that made me feel like a problem. Growing up the fact the man i called dad wasn’t my biological dad was never hidden from me, they were always open from the start letting me know everything that happened.

When i was 7 i got handed a letter. This letter had been sent i dont know when but it had all these promises on. Promises that he would see me soon. Promises that he would get me a green bike with stabilisers and a basket. I never got them. Now as a young child the idea of such a thing brings you some form of joy, the idea that you were getting this amazing thing filled you with so much excitement you forget the source. I was a young child who just thought they were getting a bike, i didnt. Now i am in no way saying that i expect materialistic things from my biological father because i dont need to be given gifts to make up for his mistakes but i sometimes want abit of acknowledgment that he at least remembers my existence.

On my 16th birthday he got in touch, 3 years ago. That will be the birthday i will never forget, my day ruined by a friend request on facebook. Funny in a way, you wish for something all your life that when it comes down to it you realise its not all you expected. I didnt accept. Did i sabotage my only way to get to know him? probably, but to me he was just a stranger and i dont accept people i dont know. Among all this negativity however i got a positive, my biological dad had gone on to have other kids, i was an older sibling but it still felt weird. In a way i was jealous, why did they have such a connection with him and i didnt, he still spoke to them after all. Now dont take that the wrong way i in no way dislike my siblings AT ALL. My sister and brother being two of the cutest most precious humans on the planet. Im just sad, does he care about me at all? I heard he hasnt changed, he pops back and fourth whenever he wants, leaving a trail of kids behind him. I feel like i cant hate a man who helped create me so ive come to hate his actions.
Do i even have a right to be angry/upset?

I hope you change. It may be too late for me but its never too late for your other children. In a way i can say thank you for leaving because if you didnt i wouldnt have the role model in my life today. He is my dad, maybe not my blood but in my heart. I have had nothing but love and support from him since the moment he appeared in my life and i couldnt ask for anything better. In life children are the most precious gift, some people being unable to have them, some taking advantage. I mean who am i to judge you, your past or anything thats currently happening in your life when i dont even know your birthday, i dont even know the correct spelling of your name.

I cant help but feel sad at the thought you find me nothing but a mistake but im comforted in knowing i have someone better with me now. I beg you to not make that mistake again. Treasure your children because they are your world and they may not be as lucky as i am.

The sad reality is that at the end of the day its your loss. My life is going on, without you. My children, my wedding, anything that happens in my future you will miss and thats your fault. Harsh reality. 

I wish you nothing but happiness in life.

Sky x