Travelling is a pretty touchy subject with me i mean for the past 3/4 years I’ve put it on the back burner not really bothering to attempt to travel after my failures in the past. Every time i think of travelling somewhere i think of embarrassing myself in front of everyone when i went to tumble or panicking the whole 5 hours to Bath and making myself poorly. My anxiety just doesn’t do well travelling.

So it will probably come as a complete shock that after all those years im planning to travel yet again. To say im nervous would be an understatement, granted this time i wont be travelling to said place on my own ill be with 3 of my best friends but its no less horrendous for my mind. If im being completely honest with myself i do feel different, more confident about it this time but then i do have those moments where i cant even think about it without feeling sick and my body getting this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness. I cant help but picture all those other failed attempts and embarrassments to myself and assume thats whats going to happen this time but they’ll be people there to experience it aswell. No doubt i’ll be completely quiet and probably even spend the middle of the night crying to myself in the bathroom like i usually do before a big plan but i really am determined to go through with it this time and i couldn’t have a better support network with me in doing so.

I think personally my biggest fear is ruining everyone’s day, i dont want the day to revolve around whether i can do it or everyone’s eyes being firmly fixed on me because of my mental illness nor do i want it to seem like im wanting all the attention from it. Yes its a big deal for me to not only get on the train but be at a train station and yes i do want some sort of recognition for finally being able to do something but i dont want it to overshadow the most amazing day we are going to have. I say amazing because i know it will be even if right now my mind is tricking me into thinking about everything that could potentially go wrong whether it be with me as a person or at home when im not here. Im only going for a day, there in the morning back at night but thats a huge step.

I dont want to crack under the pressure of this when the other day i felt perfectly fine about going but i feel as it gets closer i become more anxious and closed into myself, i overthink it. To stop overthinking for me is near impossible, its something my mind does naturally. If you do it yourself you’ll understand how hard it is to stop once your mind gets going.

I even brought a new portable charger for the trip but my mind is convinced that even with it my battery will go dead and something will happen at home and the first i would know about it would be when i would get back or something happening at home and me having to wait a whole hour trip back on my own with my anxiety and potentially miss something within that hour. The thoughts just keep on coming.

But ill be fine. As much as my mind tries to convince me i wont be i know i’ll be fine.

Have a good day

Sky x

Manic Monday?

Im not entirely sure how to start this blog post, i thought i would do a blog post on a typical day for me and obviously that was going to be a Monday as thats my most productive day usually but my god i wasn’t ready for what this week wanted to throw at me and quite frankly means that instead this blog post is not going to be about a typical day for me. In fact its going to be about a Monday filled with chaos and everything else in between.

Monday morning came and granted we already knew before hand it would be hectic what with Olivia-May coming up in a rash that we wasn’t entirely sure of and a vet appointment for my dog at 9:10 it was pretty much a rush from the moment we woke up.

We called the doctors first thing like we were told to do because we weren’t sure if it was chicken pox or a normal rash and if im quite honest with you we just needed some advice, we were on the line for near enough an hour and 10 minutes waiting to speak to someone only to be told they couldn’t see her at the doctors and we had to go see a pharmacist which ok i get that, if it is chicken pox it would be somewhat pointless going to the doctors but we were never sure. Obviously because we were on the phone since half 8 waiting to spring up there at any moment we missed my dogs vet appointment which she needed more then anything so we had to rush to book that too which thankfully they had a free that day.

Anyway we took Olivia out, against our own will because she was very clammy and i honestly just wanted her to stay home, but we were advised to take her to a pharmacist and when we did we were just hit with the ‘that looks like its got an infection’ with no other advice on what to do? So yet another waste of time in my eyes. In the midst of all this we had to get my brother to meet us with my dog as it was near her vet time and we just didn’t have the time to walk all the way back home and get her. Then we ended up being late for the vet appointment YET AGAIN. Thankfully only happened to be a couple of minutes and as the vets was running late the woman said it was perfectly fine.

Then we get on the second situation of the day, my dog. Now we’ve had Bow for coming up to 3 and a half years and for the last two years from May to October shes needed medication because last year we were told by the vet that she is allergic to something in those months, or summer as he put it. I was then told by a different vet that it was actually an allergic reaction and i could pay £500 to get an allergy test that could potentially come up as just pollen and still have to fork out over £150 every fortnight or it could be something else and they would have a vaccine for it. Now hes pretty sure its to do with the pollen and there is nothing but medication for her but part of me is like what if it isn’t?? Do i fork out the £500 and it potentially be wasted or not?? Probably didn’t help her case that she was knee deep in dirt, unsure why? She looked like my brother took her for a walk in loads of fields bless her!

Now when i got back i was pretty happy to go back home and relax, the stressful morning becoming abit too much to handle. Did i get to relax? I wish i did.

That afternoon we had to call 999 because my dad was taken ill. He’s ok and resting at home, thankfully but something just went wrong. He became all hot, he found it hard to breath. Maybe because of his SVT or COPD we dont know but the paramedic we got was quite rude. Another struggle is that now my dad not only has breathing problems but his foot has some unknown issue that yet again we are unsure of (this seems to be a regular occurrence with my parents) One day it just suddenly started hurting and now its blue, swollen and unbearably painful to touch but thats an issue with another hospital appointment.

I would stop my blog post there because that was all the drama for that day, in fact i felt like i was someone calm in handling the whole situation especially as Olivia was awake that time and the last time something happened she was all snug in bed. She loved it however, learning all about the body and even calling me fat in front of the paramedics, thanks baby.

Its Wednesday today. My mums become ill after only just getting somewhat better on the 5th May, my dads ill and im constantly alert, Olivia has Chicken Pox and my dog has to take tablets for some sort of allergy i just feel overwhelmed. I feel like life is throwing everything at me at this point in time and im scared of what it will throw at me net. Im becoming so poorly myself from all the stress but i know i have to carry on because im the only one well enough to do so.

Im scared.

Have a good day 

Sky x

Have you taken your tablets today?

Pretty frequent question right?

I mean anyone with true concern will probably ask you during the day whether you have taken the tablets you got given in a bid to make you somewhat better and thats perfectly normal.

Imagine instead of asking out of concern, it randomly pops up in a conversation and they only bring it up because you become somewhat irate, they only bother to ask about your medication when your attitude becomes different and you become a shell of yourself around a scary situation? I can tell you from the view of someone it happens to VERY often that its demoralizing.  Im aware to other people this may seem a silly subject and maybe people who have to take medication may be wondering what the hell i am on about but if im being honest. I have taken medication for my mental health for YEARS. Its something i lean on, something that brings some sort of comfort to the fact that i will be less on edge then what i would usually be without them so when someone asks if I’ve taken them it makes me automatically think im acting out of character for what is seen as normal, it makes me feel like either they are no longer working or in fact im too messed up for them to make a difference anymore. I become on edge for the rest of the day, its not a momentary thing that you can laugh and shrug off when i ask why and you reply ‘just wondering’. It sticks with us ALL day.

I admit some days i do in fact forget to take my medication, weirdly taking them for so long has had no effect on my memory of taking them because im just as useless at remembering as i was in the beginning. Luckily I’ve never really had to experience properly going without them since taking them (thanks mum!) but i am aware that in the future there may be a day that i go without them completely whether that be by choice or just because i simply forget to take them all together and the thought of how this one question could effect me then had me thinking.

You see with some medication it is completely up to you what you do with them, last time i had my medication reviewed i was unable to go any higher with them as for my age i was at the highest that they deemed safe which means when i feel as though the effect of this medication isn’t as effective anymore i have to decide whether to carry on with them or try and go without them and again go through counselling. I could NOT hear that question at any point in that whole timeline. I could not cope with the idea that whilst i am trying to overcome a certain obstacle that i must not have taken them because i seem more out of place then normal. It plays on my mind now when im more then aware of what my mood may be and i know how scary and how up and down that time of your life can be. I was in that time of my life only 3/4 years ago. I personally went through it and even though i was lucky enough to not be asked that question i know if i did i would have probably lost it all together. Even now it makes me angry. We could be absolutely anywhere but you ask me that question and i lose it, good mood or bad mood i will lose it. I hate the question with a passion. I hate the feelings that come along with the question and i hate the guilt of constantly feeling like im doing something wrong or walking on egg shells because of it.

Asking if im okay is perfect. Asking whether im okay is in fact 100% the right way to go about it. Ask me okay until im blue in the face replying to it. Just never ask me if i have taken my tablets today.

Have a good day 

Sky x

Embarrassing anxiety moment?….

Last night i went on a night out, a night out that ive probably been out to untold times. A night out that always starts and ends the same so gives me somewhat help in getting my mind ready for if something may happen. Last night however it was anything but normal. The start of the night was perfectly fine, in fact we started half way through the day and i was able to have a really good and relaxed time. My chest pains were hurting, an effect of my own stupidity may i add, but apart from that everything was fine.

We had a few pre-drinks you know the normal of drink more, spend less when you’re out sort of thing that everyone’s does and it was going alright. Now im not going to go into detail about the events that happened because not only would that be rude of me but its not something that i feel would be appreciated in being plastered on the internet so instead im going to skip forward to my major attack.

I wish i could explain what started it specifically but if im honest with you i haven’t got a clue. Its that feeling that takes over you and then you’re more then aware that everyone else is around you and probably looking at why you are acting somewhat strange so in true Sky fashion i went to the toilet. Not only to try and calm myself down but to also avoid making a dick out of myself. I still did. I thought i had fully calmed down turns out as soon as i came out of the toilet i completely lost it and went into a pretty mild anxiety attack (mild for me anyway)

I always feel with my blog i should let everyone know that its not something to be embarrassed about and you shouldn’t feel that way. Its true you shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean you dont. I cant even begin to explain to you how stupid i felt as soon as it had passed, how embarrassed i was that people had to witness that in such a public place. I mean granted at the end of it i was able to carry on with my night and get drunk and forget about it but as soon as i woke up this morning i just felt horrid. You see when you have an anxiety attack you’re somewhat embarrassed over what you’re anxious about, its a natural feeling but when you have that feeling plus completely losing it to the level i did, its beyond embarrassing, i could cry thinking about it right now.

Its made me somewhat more self conscious. I wont be rushing out anywhere anytime soon, i doubt ill have any plans made simply because i need my time to get over such embarrassment so until then i’ll probably dissolve back into my little safe bubble i have. Not that it makes it any better. Having an anxiety attack that bad in front of people effects you in EVERY way. I dont want to be around people, i dont want to risk that happening again and i just dont want anyone to know me right now, thats the level of embarrassment i feel every time one of those attacks happen. It sounds silly and im aware it sounds silly like everything i write about probably sounds silly in one point of view but its real and it happens regularly.

On the plus side my makeup stayed in tact!

Have a good day 

Sky x

Does my anxiety scare me?

Yes.

My anxiety has always scared me and it probably always will. To have an anxiety attack is a situation i wouldn’t ask on anyone, its damaging. The idea of never being able to go to a place because just the thought of it brings that feeling to the pit of your stomach. The fact that you’re aware it could pop up at any second so you’re always on edge when making plans because you know how big of a chance there is for it to just appear and you dont want to be viewed as the ‘dickhead’ because thats what you see yourself as. My mental health causes such bad thoughts because it makes me feel silly, stupid and like some sort of joke. I mean im more then aware now of how it effects me and how much of the time its my mental health talking but theres always them times when i sit there and just think about how much better my life could be.

Im scared on how much it will effect my future especially when its effected my past so much already. Its like this unwanted bubble around everyone, people are scared of the words ‘mental health’ so when hearing it they do nothing but run a mile. I’ve become used to it. I mean i used to view things as damaging because it wouldn’t make me feel any better then i already did but growing up I’ve come to realise its just a part of life and i cant be angry at people for being scared of it when to be fair theres no education surrounding it so how would they get the chance understand it.

In all fairness i probably completely overthink scenarios in my head and assume them to be the worst and thats probably why they are, or why i chicken out of things last moment but its something my mind will do and over the years I’ve had such a battle with it that i often give up and let it take control because its so much easier and less energy demanding then fighting it. I am in no way saying i do that all the time because if im honest i probably wouldn’t be where i am today, especially in my family anyway. I must admit lately i do feel as though im getting alot better in myself mood wise.

My anxiety hasn’t changed and I’ve come to the realisation that instead of trying to overcome it i just need to try and manage it and i feel as though this thought path has completely lifted my spirit in things. I have plans coming up in the future that i probably never would of planned but the idea that i have such an amazing support network of friends behind me i want to give them ago. Even though the idea is beyond petrifying me now even when its not until July but thats something i have to learn to live with.

I think what scares me more then the anxiety itself is how its going to plan out my future. Im petrified of finding no one that understands to then be left in this bubble by myself and regretting going down the path of managing it, im scared that i will constantly be seen as this unstable girl that shouldn’t be allowed the time of day for anything because of the damage my past has had.

In an ideal world i would like people to suddenly understand mental health better, get on board and maybe we wont feel as though we’ve taken a step back and been viewed in almost a shadowed light. Wishes for the future i guess.

Have a good day 

Sky x

I now have a blog facebook page that i would love if you could head on over and like. Its where i will post anything blog related or anything that i feel would help in any way! Thanks in advance! https://www.facebook.com/Skylouiseblu/

 

The insecurities that come with my anxiety…

For this blog post i thought i would talk about the insecurities that come along with my anxiety as i feel as though that should be made just as big of an issue as the anxiety is. As it is we aren’t seen as something important or worth while to acknowledge but with the fact hardly anyone around us is truly aware of the causes of anxiety means along with the anxiety comes a hell of a lot more insecurities.

I basically live my life clouded by insecurities and fear. If im not scared of going somewhere im scared of the reactions i might get from some people or the talks that may go on behind my back about my situation or my reaction to something. For example, my anxiety has stopped me travelling plenty of times to the point i just dont bother anymore because i waste so much money on travel and hotels etc only to never use them because i become too scared last minute and i suppose you could say i chicken out. This means if i made plans with someone they get extremely upset and angry about it and i cant help but feel as though they despise me in some way even though they are aware of my situation. The issue is, some of you may just be thinking well why dont i say no, im too paranoid. I can physically not say no to someone through the fear of being judged in some way and made out to be a weakling, i assume this is something that i have gotten from my childhood as i was always seen as the weakling and the person that everyone would take the mick out of if i said no. So im left in a problem, i know i probably wont be able to force myself to go when the event pops up but i become anxious in the idea of their reaction when i say no.

It effects me massively because then i say no or i muck people around so much that i become a talking point and they just dont bother asking me anymore, instead they take the mick out of my situation and it hurts me beyond belief and they are so unaware because to them its funny how i am unable to get on any transport. I must say i do have some amazing friends who are well aware of my situation and are 100% supportive constantly and would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, nor would they push me beyond what they thought would stress me out. There’s just those people that dont quite understand the severity. Its not just failing to turn up to me, its panic, guilt, exhaustion and a whole week of trying to get my body to properly recover from something that i am aware is nothing.

Obviously the loss of experience and just being able to have those memories is something that is quite damaging because even though it seems silly, i have nothing that i could possibly share from what i have experienced so far in my life. Im stuck in an everyday routine too scared to even leave my town meaning there is no new memories that i share with anyone that stands out and when it comes to a conversation with a group of people and they’re on about something i was unable to go to due to my anxiety, it really hurts. I mean they arent aware because they’re just reminiscing on good times but it makes me feel beyond pathetic that i missed out on those memories because i was too scared to be able to do something to get there.

Relationships are a main factor in life especially if like me your main goal is to one day settle down with a nice family. With anxiety its very rare that i have the courage to approach someone or even talk to them as the thought just petrifies me. I just assume that as soon as they find out the littlest detail about me it will turn beyond tragedy or even that they dont have any connection with me whatsoever and they’re just doing it as a joke for a group chat. So it never happens meaning i NEVER speak to anyone new nor do i go and meet anyone because i am too anxious and beside myself with panic that i cant even think about it. Everything that could possibly go wrong works its way clockwise in my brain until its blocking the pathway so nothing else is able to work itself in.

If im honest with you i could go on forever about the insecurities that my anxiety brings. The way it effects my life even when its not present which i must admit lately is just about never. The way im unable to allow myself to do things or freely speak my mind without feeling anxious about the outcome of what one might say.

As i mentioned earlier on in this post something that has helped me cope lately is my friends. Where i live i have some amazing friends, some ive known forever and some that i have only recently met but they are AMAZING. I feel as though they properly understand what im going through and they go over absolutely everything in order to make sure i dont feel as anxious at events. I remember once i was at a party with them and my anxiety was beyond sky high so i ended up just sitting there on the verge of tears and almost immediately they sensed something was wrong and took me in another room. Its comforting to know that even though in this crazy world of people that have absolutely no clue what my brain is like that there are these small amounts of precious people that take time out of their busy lifes to understand and make life abit easier for me. I must admit i do feel less anxious about things around them and i do feel as though i can do more with their support around me but i’ll let you know in July how true that is!

Have a good day

Sky x

UK Statistics

As someone who suffers with several mental illnesses i feel wounded when i see someone talk about it in such a lighthearted way, as if its treated perfectly fine and we get everything we need to progress within ourselves. It makes me feel as though we arent being taken serious enough nor are we really being as much of a statement as physical injuries. I feel as though if mental health was taught in schools and the audience of understanding was made wider then there will be alot more understanding about it. So i decided to do a different post today, a more informative one. Did you know?

  • Among teenagers the rates of depression and anxiety have increased by 70% over the last 25 years
  • The number of children and young people who have been sent to A and E with a psychiatric condition has more then doubled since 2009? The last recorded number being in 2014 which topped at almost 18 thousand people.
  • Childline released statistics in late 2014 showing that in that year alone they held 35 thousand counselling sessions with children who talked about suicide which is a 116% increase since 2011.
  • 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year the main ones being mixed anxiety and depression, anxiety, depression, OCD, post traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, phobias and panic disorder.
  • The UK invests £115 million per year on mental health research,which may i add is decreasing massively every year, Mental health receives 5.5% of the UK health research money. This meaning there is a mere budget of £9.95 spent on each individual person affected by mental health problems which has probably decreased since the last statistics were released.
  • In the year changing from 2014 to 2015 the number of people getting in touch with mental health and disability services hit a high at nearly 2 million.
  • The mental health act was used nearly 60,000 times in 2014/15 to detain people which was shown as the highest ever increase at 10%
  • in 2014/15 there was near 4,000 inpatient admissions under the child and adolescent psychiatry speciality, half of which were noted down as an emergency.

I would like to add that not only could this be inaccurate since as it was last updated there has probably been a large increase in the numbers but we also have to take in mind those people who suffer in the dark, who are either too frightened to come forward about it or those people who are turned away. I am aware that a doctor having a list and symptoms is a way of knuckling down on the amount of people they admit to help what with low funding but i feel as though its downright wrong that you have to fit a certain criteria and get to a certain level of dangerous before they offer you the help you may be entitled too. I feel as though it should be treated in the same respect as a physical injury. Get a solution or help before it gets worse and somewhat incurable.

If you are reading this and are one of those people that go around posting funny things about mental health or you do those chain posts or especially people who will say they are depressed because they didn’t get what they wanted or they have chronic anxiety because they were momentarily nervous about something they needed to do. Please please please take us into consideration, we are not taken seriously as it is, nor are we given the correct equipment to help us get anywhere near where we need to be. I know to you it may seem as though its silly but to us its something we are extremely passionate about, something that effects us constantly and to be put in a category that is made fun out of constantly or used as the punch line of a joke is degrading to what we are trying to achieve.

Search the web, read a book, become more informed about mental health and inform others, it can go a long way.

Have a good day

Sky x