2018.

Happy new year everyone!

I hope you all had an amazing Christmas and joyful happy new year celebrations.

Sadly I was effected so bad by events that happened earlier in December that i became ill for Christmas and then was too anxious to go out and enjoy new year celebrations but none the less i spent the night with my youngest and eldest niece which was just as enjoyable, even if they did both fall asleep by half 8!

I promised myself in 2017 that this would be the year about myself, where i be selfish and put myself first in situations i wouldn’t usually merely because again my mental health wasn’t becoming the best and i personally feel in 2017 i focused way too much on other people, meaning i began to neglect myself and just glide over the fact that i need looking after too. Granted it really hasn’t gone to plan what with it being the 5th of January today and the year is already disastrous for me but i can be positive and just hope it becomes better, i mean i have the rest of the year to go.

Other than that im pretty excited for this year, this is the year I turn 21. The age many people feel needs a huge celebration, which is true. It’s a big age why not celebrate it. I however am not having a huge celebration, for the actual day im spending it with the family and doing traditions I’ve been doing for years. Little things that make me happy.

After that my year is pretty jam-packed with birthdays. This year will mark the year my nieces turn 5,3 and 1. Which in itself is pretty emotional. My mum, Nan and sisters birthday all being in the same month and my brother’s birthday being the month before. No doubt I’ll spend my year stuffing myself with cake so im not even going to bother to set a health goal for the year because being real here, I never stick to them for very long. Not that i feel as though im a bad weight, i just feel like I’ve put on a few more pounds then i would like or am used to which just doesn’t make me feel very comfortable but im sure in time things will change. In my thoughts that is because i doubt any weight loss will happen with how busy life has gotten at the moment.

I do have a few personal goals that I’ve set for myself but I don’t feel confident enough to share them at this moment in time but through the year ill hopefully feel more open in talking about them. My one big goal however is to get back into writing my blog properly. I feel as though in the last 6 months although blog posts have been posted there’s not as much as what i used to do so if anything i plan to structure my time more and find time to sit down and just write out a few in advance so if i do have a busy time where im not able to sit down that i at least have something to post.

Fingers crossed 2018 is the year I hit 10,000 readers! Only just over 1,000 to go!

Have a good day

Sky x

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Did i make the right decision?

A little less than a year ago I made a blog post telling everyone about my decision to stop counselling, Final counselling decision.

For people who weren’t reading my blog then I’ll give a little recap. Roughly a year ago I was going through my second lot of counselling since leaving school. After the first lot of counselling not going well and making me feel worse in myself mentally then i had ever felt i decided i would go back one final time in the hopes that this time i will be in a better head space and able to somehow better myself. I had it in my head that after a year something might have changed and i would be at least able to talk more openly and freely to the counselors at my local doctors office. Sadly that wasn’t the case and i personally felt for the better of my mental health that after just a few counselling sessions that i would not continue. At the time it was a tricky decision, on one half i wanted the best help possible for myself to get better and more mentally stable whereas the other half of me just felt like this wasn’t the case whilst counselling was involved. I felt like i wasn’t being listened to fully nor was i being taken very seriously.

A year later and to say looking back and thinking it was my best decision would be an overstatement. Granted this past year I’ve come a long way to who I used to be, something i have managed to achieve myself. However with every plus there is a huge downfall. There are times when i feel like counselling could have been beneficial to not me being able to overcome fears but just my mood in general. For example, things affect me a lot more than what they should. Recently something happened which has been causing me to lose sleep and quite frankly not feeling very mentally well in myself. That isn’t me however accusing people of making me act or feel that way, it’s just i haven’t fully worked out how to cope with things properly yet without hiding myself away for a while. This being the downside to my decision.

I think the main issue was not the counselling itself but the attitude that was given from both sides of the situation. I wasn’t treated very well but then again I wasn’t treating myself and my mental health well either this in turn made the mood horrible and a not very nice place to be which isn’t nice for anyone to be around.

But did i make the right decision?

100%. For me personally I feel like the realisation that counselling wasn’t for me was something that needed to happen. Yes it took me a further 10 months and many failed attempts to finally achieve a big milestone and something i can finally say that i did myself. I can’t say for certain whether that would have been achieved sooner or not with counselling but i can say that it was achieved in a less forced and controlled way. I felt as calm as i could have felt and i felt ready in myself to finally push myself further.

My advice for anyone struggling on the decision of carrying on with counselling or not is definitely to trust yourself. You know more than anyone else what is best for you and whether it’s the right time for you or not. Your mind is yours alone and no one can possibly know every inch of what is happening in there. If you feel like you need to leave then try it and if it’s not the best then you have the option to come back but if you feel like counselling is benefiting you then definitely stay. There is nothing wrong with getting help nor is there anything wrong with wanting to help yourself.

Have a good day

Sky x

 

Ways to ask for help..

From personal experience I am more than aware of the struggles some people may face in knowing they need help but not exactly knowing how to go about it or simply being too scared to bring the subject up face-to-face to someone. So in writing this blog post i hope to give at least one person an idea on the ways they could go about it.

Firstly i would like to say that i am in no way trying to be a professional i have simply gone through this situation myself and thought it may help other people to have help from someone who been through a similar experience.

Writing a letter..of some sort.

When having difficulty with words writing a letter is usually the next call, being able to write your words down instead of saying them aloud brings a comfort to some people, it being easier to convey everything they’re trying to say without the fear of what the other persons facial expressions may be. This being said the wait on the other person reading the letter can cause some people to panic and second guess what they’re doing especially when your mind is against you. Luckily in this day we have technology which may be a burden in some sort but it does give you the option to ‘write a letter’ and send it straight away so even though you may still have the fear you wont have the option to take it away before being able to let someone know that you need help.

When writing your ‘letter’ i do suggest that you write as much as you want. Dont feel like you need to let that person know everything that’s going on in your mind because remember at a later date you will get more professional help meaning you have someone else to let into your mind on a less personal level.

Letting a teacher know..

If you’re still in school and find it difficult to let your parents in and talk to them about how you’re feeling seeking advice from your school is possible. In most schools they have a counselor or a school nurse that you can go to and talk about the way you are feeling, this way you can ask them for help and they can directly speak to your parents for you. If your school doesn’t have a nurse or a counselor go to a teacher you trust the most or a teacher that you find very approachable (i.e. form tutor, head of year or your favourite teacher)

In most causes the school will not speak to your parent without the consent of you, unless however they feel as though you are in danger they will not tell anyone. So remember when talking to them if you would like your parents to be notified that you give them the permission to do so.

Internet.. 

Over the years we have been lucky enough that technology has evolved in a way that we are able to search one thing into google and get a million results back instantly. This meaning many places offer you someone to talk too online about your troubles, this may not be a solution onto getting that additional help but it may comfort you and give you more professional advice on how to tell someone you need that extra help.

Doctors..

You may wonder why I’ve put doctors down as one. Many people find it difficult to talk to their parents whether that may be because they feel they’re on a too personal level with them or just because they’re simply scared of what the reaction may be. Asking them to book you a doctor’s appointment without explaining the reason in full will give you the chance to tell your doctor the way you are feeling and get the help you are needing. They also offer support in telling your parents, which is amazing.

However if you are still young and in school I don’t want to cause any confusion in you thinking you shouldn’t tell your parents whats going on, whether it may be through a letter or through a doctor your parents always need to know whats going on. That is one vital tip that should always be followed no matter what.

Telling a friend..

Everyone has a best friend, that one person that’s not part of your family but you trust them with every one of your secrets. Some people may find it easier in telling their best friend whats going on as it lessens the fear of telling someone who you feel may not know everything that goes on behind close doors. By this I mean a best friend you tell everything about your life and they’re even there to see most of it, for example most people don’t go home and tell their parents that they spoke back to a teacher or they mouthed off at someone for pushing into them or giving them a dirty look through the fear of their parents being disappointed in them but with your best friends you feel more at ease and at less of a stress to please that person.

 

With all this being said I would like to point out one fact. There is a chance that the person you’re telling may not know what to do with the information. Usually this may be parents. It’s difficult to know what help is needed or what may be the cause behind you feeling the way you do. A natural parenting instinct is for them to wrap you up in bubble wrap and shield you from things they assume is making you feel the way you do. Granted this is extremely sweet of them but remind them that the main cause of mental health problems can’t be avoided. Your mind is your mind and no amount of presents or ‘are you ok’ is going to shield that from what you may be experiencing. Try giving them some examples on what you feel you may need help from, telling them a doctor can help may be the easiest route to go down for both sides.

you feel like none of this may be comfortable for you then don’t hesitate to message me, im available 25/8 and will not judge anyone in the slightest.

Have a good day

Sky x

Update on life..

I’m back!

I’ve been absent for a while and whilst i wish i had some sort of excuse for it to make my life seem somewhat exciting i sadly don’t. If anything it’s just the natural progression of life that has caught me off guard and several things have come up altogether so i thought what better way then to sum everything up from the last couple of weeks in one post.

Going way back to my last blog post, a few days before my family had made a decision that pretty much changes the everyday running of life meaning any spare second has gone to getting ready and all packed up for a new adventure which i will eventually talk about in a later blog post.

I then last-minute decided to take a trip to London, ON MY OWN. If you’ve read my blog from the beginning you would be aware on how much of a big deal that is, for me to get on a train by myself and travel all the way to London before meeting friends is a big deal and if im honest with you i was doubting myself, abit like everyone else but i felt different somehow. I felt like even though i was god awful petrified to the point i was throwing up that i could still do it and i did! If im completely honest i personally know i wouldn’t have even had the thought to try if it hadn’t had been for my two best friends pushing me into travelling with them only a few months before. I feel thankful that i have such supportive but pushing people by my side, it being exactly what i need.

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After that weekend i felt poorly and drained from such a good day but also such an exhausting week beforehand what with panicking about what could potentially go wrong meaning the next couple of days i was just resting and getting myself back up to normal health.

The next big event after that was quite possibly the saddest, in my eyes anyway. My baby niece started nursery and my eldest niece started big school. That’s right they’re both officially in some sort of education. I’m so sad that they are growing up but so happy of the little ladies they are turning into. Whilst the eldest is loving going to big school, wearing a uniform and learning new things, my poor sensitive soul in the youngest one is hating her time at nursery at the moment, meaning her little face when she goes in is a little short of heartbreaking but I know in a few weeks she’ll love the place. Not going to lie that being with my sister when they are both in school/nursery is too quite and now I cant wait until October for the baby to arrive!

I was hoping to update after them starting school but typical me caught a bug and when I say a bug i mean i felt bed bound for days by how go awful it made me feel but i won’t go into detail as i know some people who read my blog may have a phobia and not particularly like talk of such things.

To say a specific date I could update next would be bad of me what with certain things in my life at the moment being uncertain and left in the open to be decided at any time meaning i can only say that the next post will be up when i get the time away from my hectic life. I do however miss posting weekly, i feel its my time out on life and i can let my feelings be known a different way and a way that wouldn’t get too many questions but I’ll get back to that schedule eventually.

Have a good day 

Sky x

My thoughts on traveling to London in the future…

My thoughts are anything but happy. I thought finally travelling to London would break a cycle and allow me to have more of my life back but honestly im probably more petrified to go back then i was to go in the first place.

I can’t put my finger on it, for days after going i was all hyped up and even thinking of planning a proper shopping trip in London and then suddenly that stopped and was replaced by panic attacks about going again and being in such a different environment. Which thinking about it logically that environment wouldn’t be as bad considering I’ve now been there once before, i don’t know but the thought of going again is not something that keeps my mind and thoughts settled.

It got me thinking, we all have this idea that as soon as we beat a demon inside of us that it would immediately go away or disappear to a point that still enables us to do something new when in fact its anything but that. If anything it consumes your thoughts even more because you have all the good memories from that one time but you also have all the fear that you experienced whilst trying to get there. The fear that is the route to why you stop doing certain things in the first place. The sickness, the bad thoughts and the idea of wanting to get off at every train station inbetween where you’re meant to go because at least you’d be closer to home then what you intend to be. It makes you feel more claustrophobic and the tightness that was in your throat before almost doubles. Caught in a state of mind that you dont want to feel that fear again but you want to feel that happiness always. Happiness is something you are told to base your whole life around, that happiness is the key but you’re not told how to act when your mind isn’t allowing you to reach your own happiness.

If im being completely honest i dont know if i ever will get to London again, i would love to. I mean theres only so long you can walk around my tiny town before getting bored of all the constant shops that are appearing one week and disappearing the next. I want to go to get pictures, to experience the shopping and to see friends i haven’t seen in a while but i don’t know if i ever will. I suppose this is what they call that wishful thinking.

I know i can do it, I’ve already done it once and proved to myself that it was possible and i could fully enjoy myself whilst im out there so the fact im even more anxious to go back then what i was confuses me even more. I’ve never really experienced a feeling like this before so its all a new learning curve for me, whether its one i begin to understand is another story.

Have a good day

Sky x

Traveling again for the first time in 4 years!!

I remember the first day after Wireless was booked and how nervous and consumed with different thoughts i was. I was worried that i would chicken out days before or even last minute and there was no way at all that i would get in the train station where i live let alone on a train on the way to London.

If im completely honest it was alot calmer then i thought. Im unsure whether that was because i was around friends and didn’t particularly want to embarrass myself as internally i felt anything but calm. I felt worse. My body being overtaken with the worst feelings from the middle of Saturday meaning the dinner that was so nicely cooked for me by one of my best friends i didn’t eat because i just felt too sick at the thought of travelling. Our Saturday consisted of trying to get ready for the Sunday as we had to wake up early and just relaxing. If im honest we did alot more relaxing then we should have. Aiming to go to sleep at 9 and still being awake at gone 1 in the morning when we had a 4am alarm. I regret however that with all the laughing we did there was only an hour of sleep before we woke up at 3:30am to begin our journey.

Getting ready Sunday morning was all a rush so the thought of actually travelling completely vanished from my mind until we left. See we had made plans to go to mcdonalds to have breakfast before we left and just the thought that we were so clearly going somewhere not local meant i felt sick to my stomach but i knew i needed to eat else i’d be feeling even more sick then i did. The taxi journey to the train station however, i felt everything in my body completely overreact and the level of tears i was already holding back seemed to higher in level but the last thing i really wanted to do was cry.

I cant really explain the feeling of walking into the train station and instantly seeing the tracks, it was like i was having some out of body experience. Part of me was petrified beyond belief but then part of me was over the moon because i had actually done it and was standing there waiting on going to a place that i hadn’t been able to go to in 4 years! I mean granted i wish it stayed that way for the whole of the wait but as soon as we collected our tickets it felt more real and again i was back at that place of holding back the tears and close to chickening out. When i say i was close to chickening out i dont think many people are aware just how close i was, i was so tempted to just walk out of the train station and forget about the whole thing especially when the train became delayed but thanks to the confidence boosts from my best friends i was able to get on the train and on my way to London before i knew it.

To say getting on the train made me feel 10X better would be a lie. The moment i stepped onto the train i had this rush feeling like i was going to pass out and that pretty much stayed with every knock and wobble the train carriage had. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach making itself known every now and again just to make sure i was aware it was still there. The journey felt like it went on forever yet somehow we were there in just over an hour.

When we got to London i felt a sense of relief, after 4 years of absolute horror to get here i was finally walking down those escalators in St Pancras station. I felt like i had achieved something and almost as though i knew this certain event was going to change my life. Yes i still felt extremely anxious over the fact i still had tubes to catch and there was huge crowds gathering everywhere but if im honest with you it didn’t matter. I was finally in London.

The day was amazing and although i had a few wobbles thoughout it and the crowds where sometimes too much to handle i made the most of it and i wouldnt ever rule out doing again, soon maybe. Who knows.

Feel free to Check out my video of the journey there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkKxZA5DIyw

Have a good day 

Sky x

DrugRehab.com

Im aware some of you may be wondering why there is an extra post this week, especially after i told you there wouldn’t be a post until i try and concur my fear with London but last night i was made aware of a site that i feel could benefit you all in an informative way.

Knowing the full effects of Anxiety or any disorder can be confusing for us. I remember when i first became the anxious shell i am now i was confused and had no idea what was going on with my body. I knew nothing and there was no one there to give me enough information to help understand it to an extent that i felt comfortable with.

If im honest with you all its taken me years to fully understand my mental health purely because i was unaware of somewhere that could give me the information i need, Thats where Drugrehab.com  comes in. I never knew this existed nor was i aware of the wide variety of disorders they help you with. Whilst the site mainly focuses on substance abuse and being able to recover from that it also gives you an in dept explanation of situations that may cause substance abuse. These ranging from ADHD to Schizophrenia.

It splits each co-occurring disorder into separate pages and goes in dept to explain what each one is. With anxiety they go into the different kinds, making the understanding to them easier and helping you in finding out which one fits you best in helping pinpoint your exact disorder. Its crazy really that for so long i’ve wanted somewhere that explains exactly what im trying to tell people and its been there this whole time.

The causes, the medication and information on that medication that helps with keeping the anxiety at a lower level, information on ways you can get help and even links where you can leave your name and phone number to get a call back 24/7.

I just think its amazing as clearly they are a drug based place but to take into consideration that all these different mental illness may be the cause or people may just need information in and put it on their site is amazing. To reach out to people of all different situations.

I remember in a blog post a while ago i mentioned how drinking alcohol made me feel free and like i wasnt someone whos life revolved around my anxiety. Even though im aware my situation is different because im able to control my intake of alcohol and prescribed drugs it just gives you an insight on how easy it could be.

Please if you have any questions or just want more information have a look on their site. If you’re looking for a link directly to their page with information about anxiety Click here 

Thank you.

Have a good day

Sky x