Being named the nit girl in school?

Yes, im finally addressing THAT name.

For the people that went to school with me this title will be somewhat appealing to them, making them feel as though they were right in some respect to the words they spread around about me. Im pretty sure they want me to sit here and say for the years i was named it they were right, sorry to disappoint. Im not going to deny and say I’ve never had head lice. I have, in year 7 i had quite a bad case of them actually but very quickly they were resolved, white vinegar is a wonderful thing (if you’re wondering). However i guess someone saw one whilst i was trying to treat them and thats when it started.

You see it probably doesn’t help at the fact i have the most sensitive scalp as years of eczema have somewhat scraped away at my head which means no matter whether i had head lice or not i was nearly always scratching and then it got to the point that it became almost like a coping mechanism instead of being for any reason in particular. This didn’t help my case.

For years i felt confined into this name. That everything i did was being watched. I couldn’t scratch my head, i couldn’t sit in a classroom without having to look around constantly to see if anyone was watching me. It felt like i was being suffocated for something i didn’t have and it never stopped. If anything it got worse, when people grew up it became this big disgusting thing to have and i get that its not the best thing to have nor is it something particular boast worthy but it is far from disgusting, its actually pretty common if you look it up.

I remember in year 9 i had been in such a bad head space throughout the summer holidays that i started school months late and i was so scared of being in class and it didn’t help that i knew no one because it was the start of our option year so the classes had been switched. I remember a girl that i used to know, who till this day im not entire sure why but she HATED me with a passion, every time the teacher would announce someone to sit next to me because of a seating plan she would announce to them that i was beyond riddled with head lice which meant a scene would be caused and i ended up walking out the class to the main office to then be escorted back to the class and luckily sat at a table with people that were somewhat friendly to me but that never stopped the looks.

If anything it knocked my confidence for years. Yes i had head lice in the most important year of secondary school and yes im more then aware that the impressions you make in year 7 stick with you for life but to scrutinize someone and make them feel petrified every day for something that had been treated years before is ridiculous. I still to this day scratch my head and i still to this day feel self conscious every time i do it. Its ridiculous im aware but i feel as though because that name followed me throughout my school years it’ll still follow me now.

Im an adult now and im more then open to talk about any situation i faced so this isn’t one that will particularly phase me or throw me back with comments that could be aimed at me in respect to this. Im perfectly fine with it all but if you’re wondering no i no longer have head lice and in fact i haven’t had head lice since year 7. Some people may argue back with what they think they saw but im pretty sure i know my own head of hair.

I just want people to be more aware of how damaging labeling someone a name can be. How giving someone that name constantly can effect them in the future way past when you lose contact with them and how their confidence can be constantly knocked down because of it. I just want people to treat everyone with care and respect.

Have a good day

Sky x

Advertisements

Should children be made to do presentations in class?

As some of you are aware my posts have taken a turn into the education part of things lately. This mainly being because as i am turning 20 im not looking into doing anymore education. I mean i wouldn’t say never because one day i might want to re look into some sort of education if i become interested in taking a particular path but right now i have no need or want to go into anymore education. This made me think about all the things i find somewhat wrong with the education system. Now i am in no way saying it is the same for every single person and every single school because obviously i have no idea whether that could be the case as i am only one person experiencing it at one school.

However i realised that when you hit, mainly year 9 sometimes before, you are made to partake in a Speaking and Listening controlled assessment. If you’re not sure what this is, its basically where you are given a topic to go and revise to then give a presentation about in front of your class. You are then graded on how you give your presentation before being graded on how well you are listening to other peoples presentations. The listening part is as easy as it sounds. You turn up to class, sit there and look in any direction and the teacher doesn’t really bat an eyelid towards it.

The speaking part is a whole different story. With my very first speaking and listening presentation i was in year 9. I had told the teacher about my situation and how i felt extremely uncomfortable and somewhat sick to present to the front of the class and i even offered to come in my spare time to the staff room and present it to the teachers. It was easier for me that way, i was able to cope. Instead of guiding me along and helping me find a situation that suited not only my comfort but also gave the teacher what she wanted, i was made and forced into a situation that i could only describe as hell. I was told if i didn’t complete the speaking and listening presentation in front of everyone then she was going to fail me on not only the speaking part but the listening part aswell. Not only that but she made me believe this was a big chunk towards my final grade. As a year 9 student this is something you dont want to mess up. It being the year you were out to impress and hopefully set up for your future GCSE classes.

I wish i could say i was one of those people who found it nervous but eventually got over it and faced my fear but i wasn’t. What the teacher failed to see that day was that granted you get nervous when doing a presentation, nerves is a normal thing but when you’re panicking, having days off because of the fear, losing sleep and crying your eyes out thats when the teacher needs to reevaluate the situation to suit both of your needs.

I do think if you’re in a school then you should have to do everything everyone else does, maybe at different levels and different ways but you are still able to do everything. So i do think we should do speaking and listening presentations, i just think we should do them in a different way.

I can present in front of my friends fine. I can present in front of teachers fine. I cant present in front of an entire class that mostly hate me with the thought on my mind that if i do something out of line it will stick with me forever. I cant present and have 30 sets of eyes of people i feel uncomfortable around in an everyday situation staring back at me just waiting for me to mess up and quite frankly when you have popular people in your class its never really ever comfortable even walking into the room.

I feel as though people with mental health are expected to show it constantly and constantly have to prove to people that they really do have it and it sickens me. It sickens me that in year 9 i was never taken seriously and made to do something that made me make myself physically sick and it sickens me that it probably is still going on today. I personally dont understand what makes it different between presenting in front of your class and presenting in front of a couple of friends. They are judging you on your presenting, the way you handle yourself and how you get the information across and that should be the main thing.

If they feel comfortable doing presentations or they’re just a little nervous then im all for giving them a little nudge but if you constantly give someone a nudge and are aware of how uncomfortable it makes them then stop. I don’t understand why anyone who is aware of how physically draining it is for a person is able to just keep pushing them until it effects their health in such a way they’re unable to even think of going into school

Education is important, yes but your health mentally and physically is a hell of alot more important then your education. Dont let someone tell you it isn’t.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, Secondary School.

Going into Secondary school was never going to be easy, it taking me 6 years already to settle into a school with people i knew the whole time not really making me feel confident about how i was going to settle into a completely new school with a new schedule, new children and a whole new layout. As some of you may be aware before you go into secondary school you have two induction days. I only went to one and the one day i did attend i cried the entire day, i HATED it. I felt trapped and the fact that the rest of the years looked down on us and thought they could get away with treating us however they wanted didn’t help but add to my already off the scale anxiety. This meant that on the second induction day i went straight back to that girl i had left behind only half a year ago. Sobbing my heart out every morning and putting my parents through absolute hell due to the fear i had.

Year 7 – 2008

Year 7 was a year of complete change for me. I had gone from having that safety network of being walked right to the classroom door to only being walked up to my nans and then walking with my sister and brother into school. I had gone to having these different classes with different teachers that didn’t understand the past situations or how to handle it correctly and worse of all, i had gone from everyone being equal in the classroom to it all being about being at the top of the popularity table. It was like a war zone to me.

However apart from the obvious changes, looking back at my report i seemed to do perfectly fine work wise. My grades being very high and only having 1 C for the end of year, the rest being A’s and B’s. Which taking into consideration everything that was going on in that time of my life i can only be shocked about.

Getting further into the year however, in geography especially, my mood seemed to start changing towards how i would act when things would happen.

“It is also a concern to me that when Sky is corrected for something such as turning around or talking, she tends to react negatively and become upset rather than taking the correction on board”

I remember that subject very well and although i dont particularly remember the teacher very well i do remember one incident where i had gotten so upset i walked out of the class and locked myself in the toilet. I had been humiliated in front of the entire class by the teacher and to me that was my worst nightmare come true. After that i bunked off Geography as much as i could.

I suppose a plus for me in some ways is that by the time i was in year 7 my sister and brother were both known by pretty much every teacher as they were a couple of years in front of me and compared to them i was an angel so i managed to get away with alot more then i should have, thankfully.

Maths: “Sky is an enthusiastic student who takes pride in her work. Sky works best when in a small group but will still need to participate in the whole class discussions. She is a little quiet in class and i am concerned that she does not always ask if she does not fully understand the task that has been set”

English: “Sky is most often focused and ready to participate. She can be a hard working and conscientious student”

Science: “Sky is making good progress in Science. She asks and answers questions and is always willing to share her thoughts and ideas with the class”

 

Year 8 – 2009

I feel as though year 8 was the year i settled back again into someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the school atmosphere but knew i just had to get on with it. Granted i still had alot more time off school but i didn’t feel as petrified to go in. I mean there was the odd rumours going round but at the end of the day i wasn’t going to let something silly effect me so deeply.

I dont really have any memories of year 8 other then knowing it was a big year as it was the last year i would have to go along with the standard lessons for school as at the end of the year i would be able to choose what i felt confident in doing.

Even though my grades stayed quiet steady reading through my report its clear that my confidence was taking a tumble. This was the year i would become unable to do presentations or present anything to a group of people.

English: “Sky can explain her opinions clearly, although she needs to ensure she displays herself confidently in presentations”

Maths: “I would like Sky to be more vocal in the classroom both with asking questions and sharing ideas as i worry this may hinder her progress in later years”

Science: “Sky is a confident and charismatic member of the group who is only too willing to share her ideas and opinions”

Year 9 – 2010

Where to start with this year. Everything changed. My lessons, the people in those lessons and the importance of what i was doing. It quite frankly petrified me. This is where bullying really was an issue. An issue to the point at the start of year 9 i didn’t attend school for at least 2 months. I felt horrible. Like those little rumours going around in school had sudden become even worse and i was trapped and unable to make any friends because they all saw me in the same way merely because the people who had spread the rumours were among the popular lot and to be honest in school everyone’s basically chained to their arse.

This meant that before i had even started getting into learning the options i had chosen i was behind. My grades had slipped and i was somewhat struggling to keep up. This is also the year i had gone back to making a fuss about going to school. Every morning i would say i was poorly to push my luck and see if i was able to have the day off of school. Sadly this is also the year my dad had to quit work because of health issues meaning i wasn’t able to get away with just as much time off as i used too.

My English grades had slipped from an A to a C. My maths from an A to a D and BTEC science i was failing. It was basically a year where my mental health became more prominent in my life but at the time it didn’t occur to anyone that was happening. I didn’t even know that these issues existed, we were never taught about mental health or the effects it could have on a person let alone what to look out for when diagnosing.

When i did finally go back into school i came to the realization that a few of my new option classes were fine. Hospitality and catering only having 7 people in it and all of them being somewhat friendly so i managed to cope. My option ICT being the same, everyone got along. They were quite possibly the only subjects in school that i was able to just sit and relax too. Then halfway through the year everything got bad again and with doing presentations being a compulsory thing in school subjects i had a complete meltdown and felt myself reaching bottom again and not being able to go into school, skipping days and even lessons whenever i could. Add all that with the fact i didn’t particular get along with my English teacher as it was, it was like hell for me.

English, Lesson attendance 74.5% :“Sky needs to spend more time on her class and her home work, as it can sometimes be unfinished or not completed to the highest of standard. Her controlled assessment is up to date except for her performance piece which needs to be completed as soon as possible. Sky achieved a band 2 on her recent controlled assessment and should be aiming for a band 4/5”

Maths, Lesson attendance 76.5%: “Sky is currently working at a grade B and is a focused member of the group who wants to achieve a high grade. Skys class work is good quality and she finds it easy to understand new topics”

Science, Lesson attendance 74.3%: “Sky is a hard working and conscientious student who always produces a good standard of work. Sky should be proud of her achievements this year”

Year 10 – 2011

What can i say about this year other then it was the start of my complete downhill spiral. I sadly dont have a report for this year as i was just not at school that much to be able to receive one. Quite frankly during this year if i was at school it was a miracle. I was behind on all my work and setting myself up for a fail.

I had changed classes yet again which caused me an unnecessary amount of stress. I had been kept in BTEC science when i had really wanted to be put into a GCSE class for that year so i spent the first couple of lessons sorting my move out to another class, who i was lucky enough to have an amazing teacher for.

I had English with a different teacher which i was happy about but my old teacher had spoke about me so much in the staff room that i felt somewhat scared of any English teacher as i had been given so many funny looks from them all, even given snide marks by my old English teacher whilst they were around. Turns out the day she realised i wasn’t in her class anymore she made a funny remark about it in front of the entire class. Another confidence knock.

This year was filled with loads of knock downs if im honest with you. I remember an incident in business where the shape of my hair bun became topic of conversation which led me to cut my hair to a reasonable length so i could have it in a ponytail, i remember just walking to class no problem and a girl making a remark about not putting some foam on me because i would cry like a baby and the worst one of all, i remember going into maths late one day as i had a form meeting with my tutor which at one point everyone had to have and i had been told to pick a group to join. Being a normal person i picked a group with one of my friends in only to be met with the loud and very rude remark of “I dont want her joining our group” The entire class laughed. I have never in my entire life felt as humiliated and hurt as i did that moment. Not one person stuck up for me or said something back for the remark and that is something that i will always remember from School.

Year 11 – 2012

I say year, it was more like a few weeks. A few weeks that fully petrified me into never wanting my future kids to go into a school, to never want them to experience education in the way i did. The year hadn’t started off very well as it was, although i had all the same classes, luckily. There had been an incident which meant there was a lot of fuss. Im sure ive mentioned this before but im not going into it, we are grown ups now and thats a thing of the past, a thing i do not hold any grudges or anything for and a situation that just needs to be forgotten now.

I had been pulled out of classes by teachers non stop, not only for this situation but for other reasons such as my attendance already failing and my work going dramatically downhill. The issue i had a problem with is they were moaning about my work going downhill but it was them that were taking me out of class for god knows how long to have a long rant at me about what was expected of me. This meaning i was losing vital time on my lessons for my GCSEs.

Now due to everything i didn’t quite see the point in going into school. My mental health had gotten to a very severe point at this stage and it was in fact my dad who said to me if i wanted to leave school that was up to me and he would be 100% behind me. Now i must admit leaving school at the start of the most important year there is was not something i thought i would ever be doing. I wanted to do my GCSEs, go to six form and hopefully get into university but here i was stuck in a situation where i was going to lessons crying my eyes out over the stress and the anxiety of everything. One situation getting so bad that i had been crying my eyes out in the toilet for 20 minutes before going back into lesson to only go straight in and ending up sobbing my eyes out for the rest of the lesson. Luckily my science teacher was a very understanding man.

That was the day i had enough and i called my mum and said to her to come and get me, that was the day i had cemented in my mind that i was leaving school and not coming back. That was also the day a teacher had called my mum an unfit mother but again thats not something i am going to get into.

So thats pretty much my entire school life written out for you all in stages to help you understand properly just when everything started to go wrong. I left school with no GCSEs and the worst mental health but here i am today. Different achievements thanks to college and a mental health that is slowly improving. I may have felt like i ruined many years of my life with a situation that made me feel beyond fixable but i was lucky enough to gain some amazing people in my life thanks to it.

Have a good day

Sky x

Is School really that vital?

From a young age we’ve always had it drilled into our heads that school is the way forward, that without it we will get nowhere in life and i suppose our parents were taught the same so they only do what they deem best. Of course if your kid is quite happy to skip into school everyday or they just have the casual odd moan about it then yes, encourage your kid to go into school but if your kid is the kid that holds back from going in through to fear, that makes themselves vomit or that throws a fit that could potentially make themselves poorly, i suggest you dont.

As someone who had an issue with going into school from a young age, i was always somewhat forced, my parents didn’t mean it to have such a bad effect and i knew that. They thought they were doing what was best but it made me end up hating them. Despising them at the fact they were pushing me into something that was damaging me so badly.

You see when mental health is involved the fear of school only intensifies, mix that with the idea of sniggering people or if your kid is being picked on then that can cause massive issues for said child. I myself agree education is the up most important thing a child may need for their future and for them to continue into the path they one day want to take but is it really necessary to put their mental health at risk for it?

Education is a flexible thing, these days many parents take the brave decision on pulling their child out of school to homeschool them, some for their own reasons, some to benefit their child and others have no choice. That is still education, as long as their parents puts in the effort to learn that child the skills they will need for the future then that is an education. Theres no need for people to force children into a classroom for so many hours to learn pretty much useless things for your future when they’re absolutely petrified of the idea.

Some parents may call it cushioning your kid to take them out of a situation that petrifies them to the point they work themselves up and so be it but i myself find it more damaging leaving your child in that environment instead of stepping forward and sorting it out before their fear gets worse.

You imagine being young and being forced into a place that you are absolutely petrified of, that there sets up a fear inside of you for future schools, you’re going to assume thats your fate forever because you’re just a young child and you dont know any different but your mind has that one memory in its database forever, its just not fair.

We need to stop drumming it into our children that going to school is something they have to do and just tell them education is important no matter what way they achieve it. Mental health is more important than any results on how smart you may be at a certain time in your life, these often on skills you dont even need to continue your future career but some how they still seem to teach you about what r is etc.

I mean maybe if school were more aware of mental health and didnt just brush it under the carpet then we would be able to understand it ourselves from an early age and not just believe the things we are told about us being weak and that we should stay in the shadows, one that causes us to become somewhat a hidden, depressed version of our actual character. To me school was my enemy, school was the one thing that made me as bad as i am today and of course i agree i made some amazing memories from it but the whole concept of it and the panic i went through walking through corridors and having the pressure to be able to get certain work done in lessons whilst being paranoid that the group sitting laughing across the room were laughing at something about me, i would’ve done better sitting at home doing nothing.

Always think whats best for your child now, not whats best for their future because if you continue to put them in damaging situations their future could fade under your hands.

Have a good day

Sky x

Starting a new school year….

As school starts for most people tomorrow or for the unlucky few who started it a few weeks ago it can be quite daunting i mean you go into not only a new year but a completely new atmosphere, potentially a whole class filled with people you dont particularly get on with and either a boost or knock to your confidence on what level you’ve been put up or down in.

You see the start of a school year was always the worst for me. After a nice somewhat relaxing six week holiday i always dreaded the Sunday before more than anything, it was almost as though a dark cloud had been making its way past me and gotten stuck, i could never shake that feeling. The walk to school and everything about getting back into a routine freaked me out completely. Stationary shopping and uniform shopping i dreaded, i would see everyone rushing around, people looking proud at the fact they would be able to wear it soon and i just felt sick, nothing but negative energy around me and my thoughts

Form was probably the only lesson i would enjoy, i had the same people and the same teacher every year of school, it was almost like a comfort that i could go in and have at least 30 minutes longer before i got thrown into the deep end. Year 10 was the worst for me because of everything that was going on my grades slipped incredibly meaning i was getting lower and lower in levels of subjects. English, although being my favourite i had been dropped a couple of levels, whether it was because i didn’t particular get on with the teacher or my actual progress with work i couldn’t tell you, i just know it didn’t give me the confidence boost i needed, it basically made me feel horrid, i felt like i had been the only one to be moved down so i was being laughed at for the fact i was ‘dumber’ than everyone or i had been singled out for being different and not in a good way.

Many subjects i stayed the same in, my option subjects being that. I never had a trouble with hospitality and catering and IT as there was a maximum of 11 people in both classes so i felt somewhat at ease and like i had a little bit of comfort but business was my biggest fear. Every year we would have a new teacher and new teachers always mean new seating plans and although i never really stuck to them after the first lesson i always dreaded it. As register orders were always used, i despise them, absolutely hate them. I was always next to someone who absolutely hated me, for what reason im unsure but i always felt judged.

Another thing about starting school was the teachers. By the time i got used to my previous teachers they would be changed and i felt anxious to do certain things in my work or to write things a certain way in a fear that they would be laughing whilst marking it or mentioning it in one of their staff meetings.

Since leaving school i’ve come to realise how pathetic it was that i let my thoughts take over, how i let them ruin my way of learning. I held myself back for so many years on a fear of what everyone else thought that it ended up having a physical effect on my grades right up until i had no choice but to leave for the sake of my mental health. I do regret leaving and i would say to anyone that was thinking about it to fully think it through before taking that leap but it was the best thing for me, even though my mental health has gotten worse i feel like its gotten worse in a slow manner, in a manner that allowed me to have a little bit of freedom before i suddenly felt like i need to bow down to its feet.

Every school year comes with worry, its a natural emotion. You’re starting a whole new chapter of your life. Dont hold back, dont let anything stop you from reaching your achievements to get to your final goal. School is just a hurdle so jump.

Have a good day

Sky x

Mental health awareness in schools?

This is a post someone very close to me requested that i write about, them wanting to know my view on mental health at school and how it is coped with and how aware we were made of it from a young age. Now im writing this from the view of the secondary school i went too so im well aware that many schools may be different.

Growing up i wasn’t made aware of mental illnesses nor was i informed of what they were. I can never recall a lesson where we were made aware of it, maybe it was mentioned once or twice in English when we were studying a book that happened to mention it but otherwise nothing. It makes me sad because i feel like not only could people recognise what they could potentially be going through but it would also help educate the teachers on how to appropriately approach us about certain situations, now i am in no way saying that people with mental health issues should receive special treatment but there are some tiny changes that could be made to help us cope.

You see when the topic of mental illness is mentioned i feel some people automatically assume the worse, some not properly educated and immediately thinking we’re some type of crazy and they should stay away from us at all costs. Thats because the only time we are made aware of mental illness is in movies and nine times out of ten we’re not shown in a good light. Another thing that bothers me is people arent aware that there is a difference between feeling nervous and having anxiety. As someone who went to counselling for years im aware feeling anxious is a natural human emotion that we all experience in our life but for someone with anxiety its not just every once in a while so to assume that you have anxiety because you’re nervous or anxious about one thing in your life makes us want to scream, again I am no way targeting certain people because i understand that if you’re not properly educated in that subject the only thing you can do is assume.

Now the school i went too i must admit was very well with meeting the needs of people who were physically disabled but i never once felt there was any support for people mentally and if there was the students were never made aware of it. It just bothers me because in the school i went too on a Thursday we would have an extra long ‘form’ which is where im guessing everyone else calls it PSHE was taught. Now we were taught everything from sex education to how to get a proper understanding of the private sector but we were never once taught about mental health.

To help ourselves we need help first, we need to be aware of these things so we’re able to understand ourselves and the situation better. Its not easy, going through something and having absolutely no idea whats going on is scary, it makes you frightened of yourself. Just one lesson every couple of months could help or even one lesson a year, anything is all we ask for, to educate not just the students at school but also the teachers.

The teachers are another part, although their ages may vary i feel like they arent properly educated in that subject either so they do the natural thing and cover it up by blaming it on bad behavior, they almost shy away from it because they’re unsure how to act.

I feel like no matter what any ounce of teaching on mental illnesses in school could help, any little bit of understanding someone could have. Even if its set as homework to write and understand about it a little better it could help a variety of people. You never know it could maybe change someones life for the better.

 

Sky x

My speaking and listening struggle

Since a young age reading has always been something I’ve enjoyed. The idea of being transported to another world just by the turn of a cover was somewhat comforting, a way i could escape everything i was feeling in my own life. It was a way of calming me down, making me feel better. Some people had their comfort blanket, i had a book.
It would be no surprise to everyone then that English has always been my favourite subject. I mean dont get me wrong some of the topics i found a bore, the constant 2 stars 1 wish marking or the group work i had to endure wasn’t something id describe as pleasant but the stories and the thought out detail of some topics made up for that, if anything it made me love it even more. Year 7 and 8 were a breeze for me. I wasn’t the best in English, far from it but i was at a level i felt comfortable with, a level i understood but could still learn from.

Year 9 onwards was when everything changed. You see in my school my year was the first year that started their option subjects in year 9, these are subjects you choose yourself. In a way its helping you mature by giving you the decision on choosing subjects that could potentially help you out in future years. This meant our lesson plans were somewhat different. Different in a way that every so often we would have a lesson where we would complete a controlled assessment, the marks on them going towards our final grade of the year.
Most of the controlled assessments i was ok with, my panic being there but in a way i could control, in a way you expect most people to be when they have the daunting task of doing well or failing. The one assessment that caught me of guard however was the speaking and listening assessment. This meant getting up in front of the class and being graded on how well you were able to present a specific subject or how well you listened to someone else presenting their opinion. Now speaking in front of people isn’t something I’ve ever been comfortable doing. At a young age i suffered with a speech impediment meaning i wasn’t able to pronounce my ‘s’ until a much later stage. This meant my confidence had been knocked severely because obviously my name is Sky and not being able to pronounce your own name is somewhat an obstacle in everyday life especially when you’re at that crucial making friends age. All of this on top of my already panicking state was a recipe for disaster.

At first i thought i could do it, i made my powerpoint in class with everyone else, talking about the different ways i could project my voice so everyone could hear and often joking around with my then friends in the process. The problem was since my mum had suffered a stroke and my struggle with going to school on top i was hardly ever in, jumping from physiotherapy session to doctors appointments to just pure terror meant i wasn’t exactly my English teachers favourite student. Now i am in no way saying this as a fact because im obviously aware that some teachers have a way of expressing concern for students or are just fed up of the constant absence but my year 9 English teacher gave off a strong sense of dislike for me. This being pointed out by several students on the remarks she would make when she would call the register and was made aware of my empty seat. Now as someone who feels the needs to justify themselves i often gave her an explanation of where i had been, usually making my way to the class early or staying behind to let her know of the certain personal situations going on. One day i decided to pull up the fact i was extremely panicked about the assessment, explaining to her how it made me feel and that i knew i wouldn’t be able to do it. Now remember at this age i had no idea what mental illness was, i wasn’t able to understand myself what was going on let alone describe it to someone else so my teacher wrote it off as nerves, saying everyone got them and i just needed to face them head on.

I remember the first day of assessment going well, with the presentations going in register order i knew i would be among some of the last students to present, this bringing comfort in knowing that i could at least complete the listening part successfully.
I had already planned that night that the next morning i wouldn’t be going in, having to avoid English all together. I just couldn’t do it, the mere thought of standing up and presenting had me feeling sick. As the weeks grew so did my number of absences from English, the thought that i would have to do my presentation when i finally went into class stopping me from going altogether. The days i did decide to attend school would be the days i knew i could safety avoid the subject, being stopped in the corridor however by my teacher explaining how important it was for me to complete the task but i couldn’t.
I was in no way expecting to get away with the assessment, that wasn’t my plan. I just wanted the teacher to understand my circumstances and not make me feel as pressured to do it in an environment that made me panic. I had tried on several occasions to get her to understand but she never did, she never took the time to listen to what i was saying. If she did then maybe it would’ve been different, maybe i wouldn’t have had to have so much time off school which then forced her into having to allow me to do the assessment in a way i was comfortable with.
The problem was that in the years following i was never comfortable talking to a teacher about my situation again. The idea that it would just be written off like it was once before panicked me so i avoided English again and then i avoided ICT. I avoided every situation that was similar and to this day i still do.

Sometimes we just need people to understand, to just take us into consideration. I dont expect sympathy, i dont expect you to go out of your way to do special and unthinkable things for me, i just want my situation to be understood, i want everything to be normal but in a way i would cope. I understand sometimes the outbursts of panic or the anger issues are a nuisance to your everyday life, my constant tears are annoying. I myself understand that and if i could stop i would.

If you do understand me, i appreciate it, i appreciate you. Thank you for everything.

Have a good day

Sky x