Embarrassing anxiety moment?….

Last night i went on a night out, a night out that ive probably been out to untold times. A night out that always starts and ends the same so gives me somewhat help in getting my mind ready for if something may happen. Last night however it was anything but normal. The start of the night was perfectly fine, in fact we started half way through the day and i was able to have a really good and relaxed time. My chest pains were hurting, an effect of my own stupidity may i add, but apart from that everything was fine.

We had a few pre-drinks you know the normal of drink more, spend less when you’re out sort of thing that everyone’s does and it was going alright. Now im not going to go into detail about the events that happened because not only would that be rude of me but its not something that i feel would be appreciated in being plastered on the internet so instead im going to skip forward to my major attack.

I wish i could explain what started it specifically but if im honest with you i haven’t got a clue. Its that feeling that takes over you and then you’re more then aware that everyone else is around you and probably looking at why you are acting somewhat strange so in true Sky fashion i went to the toilet. Not only to try and calm myself down but to also avoid making a dick out of myself. I still did. I thought i had fully calmed down turns out as soon as i came out of the toilet i completely lost it and went into a pretty mild anxiety attack (mild for me anyway)

I always feel with my blog i should let everyone know that its not something to be embarrassed about and you shouldn’t feel that way. Its true you shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean you dont. I cant even begin to explain to you how stupid i felt as soon as it had passed, how embarrassed i was that people had to witness that in such a public place. I mean granted at the end of it i was able to carry on with my night and get drunk and forget about it but as soon as i woke up this morning i just felt horrid. You see when you have an anxiety attack you’re somewhat embarrassed over what you’re anxious about, its a natural feeling but when you have that feeling plus completely losing it to the level i did, its beyond embarrassing, i could cry thinking about it right now.

Its made me somewhat more self conscious. I wont be rushing out anywhere anytime soon, i doubt ill have any plans made simply because i need my time to get over such embarrassment so until then i’ll probably dissolve back into my little safe bubble i have. Not that it makes it any better. Having an anxiety attack that bad in front of people effects you in EVERY way. I dont want to be around people, i dont want to risk that happening again and i just dont want anyone to know me right now, thats the level of embarrassment i feel every time one of those attacks happen. It sounds silly and im aware it sounds silly like everything i write about probably sounds silly in one point of view but its real and it happens regularly.

On the plus side my makeup stayed in tact!

Have a good day 

Sky x

Self hate?

 

I’ve thought of doing this post several times but always chickened out mainly because of my own self hate and because to me its something i cant stand to look at. Not because i find them vile in anyway but to me them being on my body makes me uncomfortable to talk about.

I am more then aware then when we grow up our skin is stretched in some places, sometimes to accommodate the extra weight we have put on and sometimes just because it feels like it needs a good ol’ stretch. Now when your body stretches is when stretch marks occur. I was always told that stretch marks weren’t that noticeable and you could get away with them in anyway because at the end of the day a stretch mark is a stretch mark its not something major and they’re only really big when you become pregnant which im perfectly fine with because being pregnant is something special. What i didn’t expect is being 20 with no children and having them like i do.

I dont really recall when they appeared probably because i didn’t even notice for a couple of months, im not very body confident so i just prefer not to look at it. But then when my shirt would ride up if i was sitting, laying or reaching out for something people started to notice them and seem shocked at their appearance. They’re red, the pictures dont really do them justice and im unsure if its because my mind is making me over exaggerate them of if they are generally as red as i see them but they are EVERYWHERE. The worst amount is on my sides which bothers me alot, i have to wear overly baggy T-Shirts that wont show my sides if im reaching, laying or sitting because the thought of another person point them out makes me feel sick inside. I wear overly large leggings for my weight so im able to pull them right up, Simon Cowell style, just for that extra added confidence that they’re well and truly covered but i never feel completely safe. I do have some on my legs and further down but for the fact im not confident enough to picture my legs, im just going to leave it with these two.

 

I’ve been told plenty of times that i need to love myself and love everything about my body whether i may like it or not, its nature and nature is beautiful and i do agree, i agree we should learn to love our own bodies but when its constantly being pointed out to you what else can you do but learn to hate absolutely everything about it.

I mean im not too fussed about the usual things people may be self conscious about. I have gained alot of weight recently but because im still in the preferred weight zone for my height i haven’t batted an eyelid really, except for those outfits every now and then that make you think you should go for a 5 second run at the gym or the times you sit down and suddenly have a warburtons pack of six rolls on your lap but thats the human body, everyone has some type of roll when they sit down, its normal.

These i dont see as normal, these i see as marks that no one is going to find attractive and thats probably why i dress the way i do, i know if they weren’t there i could probably be more confident in dressing somewhat more girly or more ‘nice’ but im so self conscious that they might show that i just cover every single inch not really worrying about the ‘style’ aspect of it all. I want to say i think this because i was always told to think that stretch marks were a lighter shade of your skin and not so red and noticeable and in huge clumps but its not. Its my mind and my own self hate.

It might be confusing as to why im writing this post then if im so self conscious about them but recently I’ve been feeling absolutely horrid about them meaning I’ve been using my social media as some sort of outlet for it and apparently hating your body is seen as attention seeking these days. I just want people to know that its fine to hate a part of your body, everyone probably hates at least one part of their body but just because you hate it doesn’t mean someone else wont love it.

Have a good day

Sky x

I need your help!

Hello everyone,

This post isn’t going to be related to my anxiety as i feel like this subject needs to be brought to the attention of others as my family is at such a dead end because of it that we really need help.

As some of you may be aware both my parents are quite ill. I’ve gone into detail about my dad as we are aware whats wrong and i feel as though going into detail about what we have experienced will help other people in the same situation. I have never however gone into detail about my mums illness and this is where i need your help.

For as long as i can remember my mums always been poorly, she would spend at least two weeks a month in bed or just generally really poorly but carrying on for us kids, sometimes this lasted longer and for years that was the normal for us. We would creep around constantly with the knowledge that sooner or later my mums illness was going to strike until eventually it got too much and my mum realised it wasn’t normal and went to the doctors. At first the doctors were 100% certain that it was my mums teeth that was causing her the issue to be poorly. How they came to that conclusion i dont have a clue but being so desperate my mum had all her teeth taken out. The illness still carried on the same. Then doctors told my mum she needed to have a hysterectomy as that was the reason why she was being poorly constantly. Now my mum didn’t want to have a hysterectomy because children are always something shes held dear to her but for the sake of the three children she has she went and had it done. Now fast forward about 10 years to finally find out that they had done it incorrectly wasn’t really what we expected after so long. Even that wasn’t the issue as again she still became poorly.

Shes had blood tests after blood tests and they’ve all come back negative. Shes had scan upon scan and they’ve come back clear so now we’re at a dead end. To me its normal, theres never been a time where i dont remember my mum getting poorly so much the only difference is that im aware how unnatural it is but constantly we are turned away and not given much thought because shes able to get on with it when in fact they dont see the effect on her, the weight its making her lose and the fact that its just not a capable way of living. Not only did it effect her life but it effected everyone’s life around her, she missed so many opportunities because of being poorly to the point she would still go to work when she was poorly when me and my siblings were younger and throw up in their toilets because she just couldn’t afford to have them days off until eventually she was sacked but she couldn’t help it as it just wasn’t a thing she was able to do what with constantly becoming sick.

Fast forward to now and nothings different. Shes had a stroke since we were younger and not even that has had such a bad effect this illness is having. Its unpredictable as she can be fine one minute and the next she can be in her bedroom with her head in a bucket or down the toilet and it breaks my heart. It causes her severe pain and even for the two weeks shes not poorly shes suffering because it takes her that long just to recover from it so its a constant cycle of being poorly, having enough time to recover before being struck down with it yet again and ive gotten to the point that i just physically cant let that happen anymore and i have to do something so she can live the rest of her life happy and content.

Im not sure what writing this blog post might do about the situation but im hoping that someone out there understands and has an idea of whats going on so we can get some sort of life back for my mother before she completely gives up. If you have an information or an idea of what could possibly be wrong PLEASE look at my contact me page and get in touch!!!

Have a good day 

Sky x

Does my anxiety scare me?

Yes.

My anxiety has always scared me and it probably always will. To have an anxiety attack is a situation i wouldn’t ask on anyone, its damaging. The idea of never being able to go to a place because just the thought of it brings that feeling to the pit of your stomach. The fact that you’re aware it could pop up at any second so you’re always on edge when making plans because you know how big of a chance there is for it to just appear and you dont want to be viewed as the ‘dickhead’ because thats what you see yourself as. My mental health causes such bad thoughts because it makes me feel silly, stupid and like some sort of joke. I mean im more then aware now of how it effects me and how much of the time its my mental health talking but theres always them times when i sit there and just think about how much better my life could be.

Im scared on how much it will effect my future especially when its effected my past so much already. Its like this unwanted bubble around everyone, people are scared of the words ‘mental health’ so when hearing it they do nothing but run a mile. I’ve become used to it. I mean i used to view things as damaging because it wouldn’t make me feel any better then i already did but growing up I’ve come to realise its just a part of life and i cant be angry at people for being scared of it when to be fair theres no education surrounding it so how would they get the chance understand it.

In all fairness i probably completely overthink scenarios in my head and assume them to be the worst and thats probably why they are, or why i chicken out of things last moment but its something my mind will do and over the years I’ve had such a battle with it that i often give up and let it take control because its so much easier and less energy demanding then fighting it. I am in no way saying i do that all the time because if im honest i probably wouldn’t be where i am today, especially in my family anyway. I must admit lately i do feel as though im getting alot better in myself mood wise.

My anxiety hasn’t changed and I’ve come to the realisation that instead of trying to overcome it i just need to try and manage it and i feel as though this thought path has completely lifted my spirit in things. I have plans coming up in the future that i probably never would of planned but the idea that i have such an amazing support network of friends behind me i want to give them ago. Even though the idea is beyond petrifying me now even when its not until July but thats something i have to learn to live with.

I think what scares me more then the anxiety itself is how its going to plan out my future. Im petrified of finding no one that understands to then be left in this bubble by myself and regretting going down the path of managing it, im scared that i will constantly be seen as this unstable girl that shouldn’t be allowed the time of day for anything because of the damage my past has had.

In an ideal world i would like people to suddenly understand mental health better, get on board and maybe we wont feel as though we’ve taken a step back and been viewed in almost a shadowed light. Wishes for the future i guess.

Have a good day 

Sky x

I now have a blog facebook page that i would love if you could head on over and like. Its where i will post anything blog related or anything that i feel would help in any way! Thanks in advance! https://www.facebook.com/Skylouiseblu/

 

The insecurities that come with my anxiety…

For this blog post i thought i would talk about the insecurities that come along with my anxiety as i feel as though that should be made just as big of an issue as the anxiety is. As it is we aren’t seen as something important or worth while to acknowledge but with the fact hardly anyone around us is truly aware of the causes of anxiety means along with the anxiety comes a hell of a lot more insecurities.

I basically live my life clouded by insecurities and fear. If im not scared of going somewhere im scared of the reactions i might get from some people or the talks that may go on behind my back about my situation or my reaction to something. For example, my anxiety has stopped me travelling plenty of times to the point i just dont bother anymore because i waste so much money on travel and hotels etc only to never use them because i become too scared last minute and i suppose you could say i chicken out. This means if i made plans with someone they get extremely upset and angry about it and i cant help but feel as though they despise me in some way even though they are aware of my situation. The issue is, some of you may just be thinking well why dont i say no, im too paranoid. I can physically not say no to someone through the fear of being judged in some way and made out to be a weakling, i assume this is something that i have gotten from my childhood as i was always seen as the weakling and the person that everyone would take the mick out of if i said no. So im left in a problem, i know i probably wont be able to force myself to go when the event pops up but i become anxious in the idea of their reaction when i say no.

It effects me massively because then i say no or i muck people around so much that i become a talking point and they just dont bother asking me anymore, instead they take the mick out of my situation and it hurts me beyond belief and they are so unaware because to them its funny how i am unable to get on any transport. I must say i do have some amazing friends who are well aware of my situation and are 100% supportive constantly and would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, nor would they push me beyond what they thought would stress me out. There’s just those people that dont quite understand the severity. Its not just failing to turn up to me, its panic, guilt, exhaustion and a whole week of trying to get my body to properly recover from something that i am aware is nothing.

Obviously the loss of experience and just being able to have those memories is something that is quite damaging because even though it seems silly, i have nothing that i could possibly share from what i have experienced so far in my life. Im stuck in an everyday routine too scared to even leave my town meaning there is no new memories that i share with anyone that stands out and when it comes to a conversation with a group of people and they’re on about something i was unable to go to due to my anxiety, it really hurts. I mean they arent aware because they’re just reminiscing on good times but it makes me feel beyond pathetic that i missed out on those memories because i was too scared to be able to do something to get there.

Relationships are a main factor in life especially if like me your main goal is to one day settle down with a nice family. With anxiety its very rare that i have the courage to approach someone or even talk to them as the thought just petrifies me. I just assume that as soon as they find out the littlest detail about me it will turn beyond tragedy or even that they dont have any connection with me whatsoever and they’re just doing it as a joke for a group chat. So it never happens meaning i NEVER speak to anyone new nor do i go and meet anyone because i am too anxious and beside myself with panic that i cant even think about it. Everything that could possibly go wrong works its way clockwise in my brain until its blocking the pathway so nothing else is able to work itself in.

If im honest with you i could go on forever about the insecurities that my anxiety brings. The way it effects my life even when its not present which i must admit lately is just about never. The way im unable to allow myself to do things or freely speak my mind without feeling anxious about the outcome of what one might say.

As i mentioned earlier on in this post something that has helped me cope lately is my friends. Where i live i have some amazing friends, some ive known forever and some that i have only recently met but they are AMAZING. I feel as though they properly understand what im going through and they go over absolutely everything in order to make sure i dont feel as anxious at events. I remember once i was at a party with them and my anxiety was beyond sky high so i ended up just sitting there on the verge of tears and almost immediately they sensed something was wrong and took me in another room. Its comforting to know that even though in this crazy world of people that have absolutely no clue what my brain is like that there are these small amounts of precious people that take time out of their busy lifes to understand and make life abit easier for me. I must admit i do feel less anxious about things around them and i do feel as though i can do more with their support around me but i’ll let you know in July how true that is!

Have a good day

Sky x

UK Statistics

As someone who suffers with several mental illnesses i feel wounded when i see someone talk about it in such a lighthearted way, as if its treated perfectly fine and we get everything we need to progress within ourselves. It makes me feel as though we arent being taken serious enough nor are we really being as much of a statement as physical injuries. I feel as though if mental health was taught in schools and the audience of understanding was made wider then there will be alot more understanding about it. So i decided to do a different post today, a more informative one. Did you know?

  • Among teenagers the rates of depression and anxiety have increased by 70% over the last 25 years
  • The number of children and young people who have been sent to A and E with a psychiatric condition has more then doubled since 2009? The last recorded number being in 2014 which topped at almost 18 thousand people.
  • Childline released statistics in late 2014 showing that in that year alone they held 35 thousand counselling sessions with children who talked about suicide which is a 116% increase since 2011.
  • 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year the main ones being mixed anxiety and depression, anxiety, depression, OCD, post traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, phobias and panic disorder.
  • The UK invests £115 million per year on mental health research,which may i add is decreasing massively every year, Mental health receives 5.5% of the UK health research money. This meaning there is a mere budget of £9.95 spent on each individual person affected by mental health problems which has probably decreased since the last statistics were released.
  • In the year changing from 2014 to 2015 the number of people getting in touch with mental health and disability services hit a high at nearly 2 million.
  • The mental health act was used nearly 60,000 times in 2014/15 to detain people which was shown as the highest ever increase at 10%
  • in 2014/15 there was near 4,000 inpatient admissions under the child and adolescent psychiatry speciality, half of which were noted down as an emergency.

I would like to add that not only could this be inaccurate since as it was last updated there has probably been a large increase in the numbers but we also have to take in mind those people who suffer in the dark, who are either too frightened to come forward about it or those people who are turned away. I am aware that a doctor having a list and symptoms is a way of knuckling down on the amount of people they admit to help what with low funding but i feel as though its downright wrong that you have to fit a certain criteria and get to a certain level of dangerous before they offer you the help you may be entitled too. I feel as though it should be treated in the same respect as a physical injury. Get a solution or help before it gets worse and somewhat incurable.

If you are reading this and are one of those people that go around posting funny things about mental health or you do those chain posts or especially people who will say they are depressed because they didn’t get what they wanted or they have chronic anxiety because they were momentarily nervous about something they needed to do. Please please please take us into consideration, we are not taken seriously as it is, nor are we given the correct equipment to help us get anywhere near where we need to be. I know to you it may seem as though its silly but to us its something we are extremely passionate about, something that effects us constantly and to be put in a category that is made fun out of constantly or used as the punch line of a joke is degrading to what we are trying to achieve.

Search the web, read a book, become more informed about mental health and inform others, it can go a long way.

Have a good day

Sky x

Shanna Towner

http://shannasthoughts.wordpress.com/

https://twitter.com/shannatofficial

https://www.instagram.com/shannatofficial

So I suffer with extremely severe anxiety, severe depression and mild bipolar. I’ve always been quite an anxious person, but when I was younger it didn’t really affect everything I did.I always liked having someone I knew and someone I trusted around, but because I was shy it seemed to be more because of that reason.

It wasn’t until I was around sixteen that I started getting panic attacks, but back then I didn’t know that that was what I was suffering with.They didn’t happen all the time at first, it could be going out somewhere with people I didn’t know well which would set them off.When I was that age, mental health wasn’t something talked about at all, it was more like a forbidden subject.

As I got older, the panic attacks got worse and when I was about twenty I decided to go to the doctors about it.He was the least helpful doctor I’d ever seen.He said that I shouldn’t be suffering with anxiety at my age and to go and try yoga or something.He made me feel like there was something wrong with me, that I shouldn’t be having these panic attacks and I felt that I shouldn’t have ever gone to the doctors about it.After that experience, I never wanted to go back to the doctors, never wanted to get help, so I just kept everything to myself, which was probably the worst thing possible to do.

From then on, everything just seemed to go downhill.I was constantly quiet, my mood was up and down, I stopped doing everything that I loved, my mind was permanently on overdrive.Something then happened at one of my jobs which made my anxiety a hundred times worse than it already was, to the point I was constantly crying, I was being physically sick and I would lock myself in the bathroom at work.That was when my boss stepped in and got me counselling as they didn’t know if I was fit to work or a danger to myself.I was given the most amazing counsellor who completely understood me.I seen him for just over a year before I had to leave because of getting a new job, but I was getting less panic attacks and I was starting to feel like the old me again.

For just over a year everything was going okay, I still got a few panic attacks over that time, but I felt like I was coping alright.But slowly I felt like I was going backwards again.I still felt like I couldn’t go back to the doctors, so I just tried to carry on with everything.It got to the point where I didn’t want to leave the house, let alone go to work, and I felt exhausted all the time because I was having constant panic attacks all day.Eventually I did make myself go back to the doctors, and the lady was so helpful.She got me to talk about what was going on, how I was feeling and how long I had felt this way.She did offer to prescibe me medication to help, but I didn’t want to be taking tablets.She ended up giving me leaflets for two different counselling places and asked for me to go back in a months time so she could see how I was doing.I contacted both counselling places, one didn’t end up getting back in contact with me about seeing anyone, and the other place, the counsellor made me feel really uncomfortable and like what I was saying was wrong.After a couple of sessions, she didn’t get back in contact with me about another session, so I felt like I was back at square one again.

It wasn’t until nearly two years later in 2016 that I spoke to a doctor again.I went to the doctors for a completely different reason, but the nurse picked up straight away how anxious I was.My anxiety was so bad at that point that it was affecting my blood pressure and I was feeling faint most of the time.She asked me what was going on, how I was feeling, what I was feeling and loads of other questions.She ended up getting me referred to a counselling place which is for severe mental health which only doctors/nurses can refer you to.I got an appointment with a counsellor just over two weeks later.I seen her weekly for the first month and a half which was to test you for different things.It was just after then when I was diognosed with anxiety, depression and bipolar.

This lady is the counsellor that I still see now, and I honestly couldn’t ask for anyone better.She understands me a lot and does so much more than she has to.She helps me with my mental health, but on top of that she’s been trying to help me with insomnia, vivid dreams and flashbacks.We have weekly counselling sessions, but I also have someone to contact anytime of the day if I need to.It’s been nearly five months now since I started having weekly counselling sessions, and very slowly I’m starting to feel like the old me again.Maybe if the first doctor helped me, or maybe if I didn’t give up and asked for another doctor instead, maybe I wouldn’t have got to as bad as I did.I still struggle, I still get panic attacks and feel low, but it’s not as bad as it was this time six months ago.

Mental health can affect any age, so don’t think you’re too young or too old for it to affect you.Mental illnesses can also affect your health.It can affect blood pressure, your heart, your muscles, you can get insomnia, you can constantly feel like you have no energy.

My advice to anybody who is suffering, feels like they need some help or feel like they want to hurt/harm theirselves in any way is to go and talk to someone.Whether that’s a family member, a friend you trust or even going to see a doctor.If you go and see a doctor and they don’t help, book an appointment with somebody else.Just keep going until someone will listen to you and will help you.I know it can feel daunting having to go and see somebody, but the sooner you get help, the less it’ll affect you and the quicker you’ll get back to feeling somewhat okay again.Nowadays they usually try counselling before giving people medication.There isn’t a right or wrong choice with them.Some people find that counselling helps more and some people find that medication helps them more.Not all counsellors are the right ones for you.You might have to see five or six counsellors before you feel like you’ve found the right person for you.

Over the last few months I have also found writing helps.Write down what you’ve done that day, write down how you’ve felt that day, write down how you felt when you woke up or how you felt before bed.You can write poems or songs, anything at all.I’ve found listening to music helps too.Try catching your negative thoughts and turning them into something more positive, leave positive notes and quotes around, everyday try and say something positive about yourself.Give yourself little tasks to do, so if you struggle to leave your room, maybe try and go downstairs for an hour, or if you struggle to leave the house, try and go for a walk for ten minutes.Give yourself tasks that aren’t too challenging at first and then keep pushing yourself to do harder things every couple of weeks.Find a hobbie that you love to do and make sure you’re doing that once or twice a week.I’ve also been told about an app which I find really helpful if I’m having panic attacks or feeling low.It’s called ‘Virtual Hope Box’ and it’s where you add music, photos and videos, and it has games, breathing exercises and yoga exercises to help you.

It’s not always easy, you’re going to get bad days, but keep on going because I promise you it’ll be worth it and you will get to where you want to be.And always remember that you are never alone.