Travelling is a pretty touchy subject with me i mean for the past 3/4 years I’ve put it on the back burner not really bothering to attempt to travel after my failures in the past. Every time i think of travelling somewhere i think of embarrassing myself in front of everyone when i went to tumble or panicking the whole 5 hours to Bath and making myself poorly. My anxiety just doesn’t do well travelling.

So it will probably come as a complete shock that after all those years im planning to travel yet again. To say im nervous would be an understatement, granted this time i wont be travelling to said place on my own ill be with 3 of my best friends but its no less horrendous for my mind. If im being completely honest with myself i do feel different, more confident about it this time but then i do have those moments where i cant even think about it without feeling sick and my body getting this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness. I cant help but picture all those other failed attempts and embarrassments to myself and assume thats whats going to happen this time but they’ll be people there to experience it aswell. No doubt i’ll be completely quiet and probably even spend the middle of the night crying to myself in the bathroom like i usually do before a big plan but i really am determined to go through with it this time and i couldn’t have a better support network with me in doing so.

I think personally my biggest fear is ruining everyone’s day, i dont want the day to revolve around whether i can do it or everyone’s eyes being firmly fixed on me because of my mental illness nor do i want it to seem like im wanting all the attention from it. Yes its a big deal for me to not only get on the train but be at a train station and yes i do want some sort of recognition for finally being able to do something but i dont want it to overshadow the most amazing day we are going to have. I say amazing because i know it will be even if right now my mind is tricking me into thinking about everything that could potentially go wrong whether it be with me as a person or at home when im not here. Im only going for a day, there in the morning back at night but thats a huge step.

I dont want to crack under the pressure of this when the other day i felt perfectly fine about going but i feel as it gets closer i become more anxious and closed into myself, i overthink it. To stop overthinking for me is near impossible, its something my mind does naturally. If you do it yourself you’ll understand how hard it is to stop once your mind gets going.

I even brought a new portable charger for the trip but my mind is convinced that even with it my battery will go dead and something will happen at home and the first i would know about it would be when i would get back or something happening at home and me having to wait a whole hour trip back on my own with my anxiety and potentially miss something within that hour. The thoughts just keep on coming.

But ill be fine. As much as my mind tries to convince me i wont be i know i’ll be fine.

Have a good day

Sky x

Have you taken your tablets today?

Pretty frequent question right?

I mean anyone with true concern will probably ask you during the day whether you have taken the tablets you got given in a bid to make you somewhat better and thats perfectly normal.

Imagine instead of asking out of concern, it randomly pops up in a conversation and they only bring it up because you become somewhat irate, they only bother to ask about your medication when your attitude becomes different and you become a shell of yourself around a scary situation? I can tell you from the view of someone it happens to VERY often that its demoralizing.  Im aware to other people this may seem a silly subject and maybe people who have to take medication may be wondering what the hell i am on about but if im being honest. I have taken medication for my mental health for YEARS. Its something i lean on, something that brings some sort of comfort to the fact that i will be less on edge then what i would usually be without them so when someone asks if I’ve taken them it makes me automatically think im acting out of character for what is seen as normal, it makes me feel like either they are no longer working or in fact im too messed up for them to make a difference anymore. I become on edge for the rest of the day, its not a momentary thing that you can laugh and shrug off when i ask why and you reply ‘just wondering’. It sticks with us ALL day.

I admit some days i do in fact forget to take my medication, weirdly taking them for so long has had no effect on my memory of taking them because im just as useless at remembering as i was in the beginning. Luckily I’ve never really had to experience properly going without them since taking them (thanks mum!) but i am aware that in the future there may be a day that i go without them completely whether that be by choice or just because i simply forget to take them all together and the thought of how this one question could effect me then had me thinking.

You see with some medication it is completely up to you what you do with them, last time i had my medication reviewed i was unable to go any higher with them as for my age i was at the highest that they deemed safe which means when i feel as though the effect of this medication isn’t as effective anymore i have to decide whether to carry on with them or try and go without them and again go through counselling. I could NOT hear that question at any point in that whole timeline. I could not cope with the idea that whilst i am trying to overcome a certain obstacle that i must not have taken them because i seem more out of place then normal. It plays on my mind now when im more then aware of what my mood may be and i know how scary and how up and down that time of your life can be. I was in that time of my life only 3/4 years ago. I personally went through it and even though i was lucky enough to not be asked that question i know if i did i would have probably lost it all together. Even now it makes me angry. We could be absolutely anywhere but you ask me that question and i lose it, good mood or bad mood i will lose it. I hate the question with a passion. I hate the feelings that come along with the question and i hate the guilt of constantly feeling like im doing something wrong or walking on egg shells because of it.

Asking if im okay is perfect. Asking whether im okay is in fact 100% the right way to go about it. Ask me okay until im blue in the face replying to it. Just never ask me if i have taken my tablets today.

Have a good day 

Sky x

Shannice Taylor

https://twitter.com/Shannice_Taylor?lang=en-gb

This is me and my mental health.
Well I always knew something was wrong with me since around year 3/4. I used to be a bubbly child. I used to be care free. But that all changed. My upbringing was hard but my parents managed it.
From year seven I would get bullied and get beaten up because my mum was a lesbian. I had no friends. I used to go to school then come home. As I got to year eight the bullying got worse. I didn’t know how to handle things. I managed to make a small group of friends. The first friends I had.
In year nine it got harder and harder. I would go to school and I would panic. My grades started to drop.
I started to have panic attacks everyday before school. I couldn’t handle it. I started to fall behind.
Year 10 I finally snapped. I was too scared to do anything, I was scared to go school, I was scared to go anywhere. I had an emotional breakdown. I met someone who I though would change me. Oh I was wrong, but I didn’t know that.
In year 11 the most important year of my life, I got with someone who I thought would be understanding and be kind. He was the complete opposite of this. He hurt me. He left me because I had a mental illness. He used me and thought it was funny. I failed every single one of my GCSEs. I got three Ds and two Es. Eight months after all this, I got into sixth form doing subjects I really enjoy. I found someone who is ever so loving towards me, supports me, helps me and most importantly understands me. I spoke to him about my problems and he understood and helped me. I fell in love with him. He fell in love with me. He’s been so supportive over the past few months. He knows I have anxiety and recently been diagnosed with depression. He’s helping me to get the best grades so I can do what I want to do in the future. I help him too!
The ways I cope with my anxiety.
I recently changed schools. After five years of being at the same school. I moved to the other secondary school in my town. It was ever so scary! My anxiety built up ever so much! I had a slight panic attack on the way to the school but I held my phone in my hand and I was okay. The head of sixth form spoke to my old teachers and she supports me with my mental health.
Anyway ways to cope:
   • Always have something in your pocket. I always keep my headphones in my pocket. This is because if I ever feel panicked I always untangle my head phones and then I feel a bit better.
• Have something nice to think about. Example: Your future! During my exams back in November. I started to panic and then I thought about the future I will have with my boyfriend. It calmed me down.
• Put pen to paper! Wrote your thoughts or draw something! I always draw loads of squiggly lines and then colour the over lapping lines. It helps, it calms you down.
• Talk to someone! I always talk to my boyfriend and it helps me ever so much! Then he gives me advice.
• Always keep yourself busy! It sounds stupid but I’ve found out even though I’m so tired if I do something such as make a cup of tea. I feel a Bit lighter.
These are only things I’ve managed to do to cope with my anxiety. I haven’t figured out how to cope fully with my depression yet. But I know for a fact I’m trying!
Mental health is scary I’ll admit that! But once you find ways to cope life becomes a little easier! Still this day I have minor panic attacks about silly things and some days have a struggle of getting out of bed, but I try and try!
I’m 17 and nearly finished my first year of sixth form, I have the best boyfriend and I’ve never been prouder of myself than I am today!
Don’t be scared to ask for help! There’s always people willing to help you!
If you ever need to talk! You can message me!

Anxiety around a sickness bug?

My first post after my birthday i had originally planned to be about being 20 and how i have grown but something has come to my attention these past couple of days that i haven’t experienced before and as my entire blog is dedicated to the situations i have to face with my mental health i felt like it was only right to make a blog post talking about it.

Now if you have a young child you may have heard about the sickness bug going round, my youngest niece caught it and we didn’t think much of it what with her being the one who seems to get ill quite alot we just gave he loads of kisses and sent her to cuddle with mummy however with my eldest niece its a different story. Olivia’s hardly ever sick, i mean granted she seems to constantly have a runny nose but in the terms of an illness she doesn’t really have a problem, shes a healthy and bright little girl.

This situation started on Monday, the day after my birthday, Olivia stayed the night which is a usual occurrence as people who know me personally will realise i have Olivia quite alot. That entire day she was her happy self, running around playing with her toys and being the general cheeky madam she is and she went to bed as normal. At quarter to 12 that night i was called by my mum with Olivia crying out for me, she had thrown up and suddenly become very hot. This was strange for us as we had known about the stomach bug but as Olivia was so well during the day it was sort of out of the blue. I wont go into detail about that night because if im honest with you it was horrible and the most petrifying night of my life and probably the scariest night for poor Olivia bless her soul who didn’t like being poorly one bit.

The one thing i did notice about that night however is how anxious i got, now in the general sickness area im pretty alright, i dont have a fear of being sick or a fear involving the look or smell. Having had loads of encounters with sick in my life what with my mums illness and her being sick almost every other week since i was younger it was sort of like a ‘oh sick’ situation. This time was different, i was trying to stay strong but i was sweating, my hands were uncontrollably shaking and i just couldn’t stop talking, whether that was out of nervousness or what i dont know but i was thinking every little scenario in my head and muttering out. That night i didn’t sleep, i sat and pretty much stared at Olivia the entire night, freaking out at the littlest sound she made or jumping up when she moved to get comfy and i didn’t understand it. I had never been this way before and granted it was a scary situation but i thought i would get over it like any other.

But here i am sitting and writing this exactly 24 hours after she threw up and im still as anxious and petrified as i was when it happened. I haven’t stopped shaking nor have i stopped the horrible thoughts and events of that going through my head and granted to some of you i could be going completely over the top but what you have to remember is i have never experienced this before so it was beyond petrifying.

Today she has eaten a few yogurts and some bread and to be honest with you i doubt i will sleep tonight. Im beyond petrified even when shes happy and seems a hell of alot better, her temperatures down and she seems back to her normal self but what with her being that way yesterday during the day i cant help but think it may happen again tonight, fingers crossed it doesn’t please.

Im not sure how to handle this as it is quite possibly the longest anxiety attack i have ever had and absolutely nothing is calming me down. I’ve tried all the usual and absolutely no luck. Im just very confused about the whole situation and the way my body has acted towards it. If im honest with you im exhausted, not from staying up all night but from the anxiety that has taken over my body. This is probably the first event where i dont have an answer for it, im as confused as anyone else. I have never ever experienced such anxiety so strong and bad and for so long before and i hope i dont ever again. Im hoping eventually it will fizz out like normal but that could be days from now, i’ll keep you posted and let you know eventually when i feel back to my usual self, if thats possible.

Have a good day

Sky x

Should children be made to do presentations in class?

As some of you are aware my posts have taken a turn into the education part of things lately. This mainly being because as i am turning 20 im not looking into doing anymore education. I mean i wouldn’t say never because one day i might want to re look into some sort of education if i become interested in taking a particular path but right now i have no need or want to go into anymore education. This made me think about all the things i find somewhat wrong with the education system. Now i am in no way saying it is the same for every single person and every single school because obviously i have no idea whether that could be the case as i am only one person experiencing it at one school.

However i realised that when you hit, mainly year 9 sometimes before, you are made to partake in a Speaking and Listening controlled assessment. If you’re not sure what this is, its basically where you are given a topic to go and revise to then give a presentation about in front of your class. You are then graded on how you give your presentation before being graded on how well you are listening to other peoples presentations. The listening part is as easy as it sounds. You turn up to class, sit there and look in any direction and the teacher doesn’t really bat an eyelid towards it.

The speaking part is a whole different story. With my very first speaking and listening presentation i was in year 9. I had told the teacher about my situation and how i felt extremely uncomfortable and somewhat sick to present to the front of the class and i even offered to come in my spare time to the staff room and present it to the teachers. It was easier for me that way, i was able to cope. Instead of guiding me along and helping me find a situation that suited not only my comfort but also gave the teacher what she wanted, i was made and forced into a situation that i could only describe as hell. I was told if i didn’t complete the speaking and listening presentation in front of everyone then she was going to fail me on not only the speaking part but the listening part aswell. Not only that but she made me believe this was a big chunk towards my final grade. As a year 9 student this is something you dont want to mess up. It being the year you were out to impress and hopefully set up for your future GCSE classes.

I wish i could say i was one of those people who found it nervous but eventually got over it and faced my fear but i wasn’t. What the teacher failed to see that day was that granted you get nervous when doing a presentation, nerves is a normal thing but when you’re panicking, having days off because of the fear, losing sleep and crying your eyes out thats when the teacher needs to reevaluate the situation to suit both of your needs.

I do think if you’re in a school then you should have to do everything everyone else does, maybe at different levels and different ways but you are still able to do everything. So i do think we should do speaking and listening presentations, i just think we should do them in a different way.

I can present in front of my friends fine. I can present in front of teachers fine. I cant present in front of an entire class that mostly hate me with the thought on my mind that if i do something out of line it will stick with me forever. I cant present and have 30 sets of eyes of people i feel uncomfortable around in an everyday situation staring back at me just waiting for me to mess up and quite frankly when you have popular people in your class its never really ever comfortable even walking into the room.

I feel as though people with mental health are expected to show it constantly and constantly have to prove to people that they really do have it and it sickens me. It sickens me that in year 9 i was never taken seriously and made to do something that made me make myself physically sick and it sickens me that it probably is still going on today. I personally dont understand what makes it different between presenting in front of your class and presenting in front of a couple of friends. They are judging you on your presenting, the way you handle yourself and how you get the information across and that should be the main thing.

If they feel comfortable doing presentations or they’re just a little nervous then im all for giving them a little nudge but if you constantly give someone a nudge and are aware of how uncomfortable it makes them then stop. I don’t understand why anyone who is aware of how physically draining it is for a person is able to just keep pushing them until it effects their health in such a way they’re unable to even think of going into school

Education is important, yes but your health mentally and physically is a hell of alot more important then your education. Dont let someone tell you it isn’t.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, Secondary School.

Going into Secondary school was never going to be easy, it taking me 6 years already to settle into a school with people i knew the whole time not really making me feel confident about how i was going to settle into a completely new school with a new schedule, new children and a whole new layout. As some of you may be aware before you go into secondary school you have two induction days. I only went to one and the one day i did attend i cried the entire day, i HATED it. I felt trapped and the fact that the rest of the years looked down on us and thought they could get away with treating us however they wanted didn’t help but add to my already off the scale anxiety. This meant that on the second induction day i went straight back to that girl i had left behind only half a year ago. Sobbing my heart out every morning and putting my parents through absolute hell due to the fear i had.

Year 7 – 2008

Year 7 was a year of complete change for me. I had gone from having that safety network of being walked right to the classroom door to only being walked up to my nans and then walking with my sister and brother into school. I had gone to having these different classes with different teachers that didn’t understand the past situations or how to handle it correctly and worse of all, i had gone from everyone being equal in the classroom to it all being about being at the top of the popularity table. It was like a war zone to me.

However apart from the obvious changes, looking back at my report i seemed to do perfectly fine work wise. My grades being very high and only having 1 C for the end of year, the rest being A’s and B’s. Which taking into consideration everything that was going on in that time of my life i can only be shocked about.

Getting further into the year however, in geography especially, my mood seemed to start changing towards how i would act when things would happen.

“It is also a concern to me that when Sky is corrected for something such as turning around or talking, she tends to react negatively and become upset rather than taking the correction on board”

I remember that subject very well and although i dont particularly remember the teacher very well i do remember one incident where i had gotten so upset i walked out of the class and locked myself in the toilet. I had been humiliated in front of the entire class by the teacher and to me that was my worst nightmare come true. After that i bunked off Geography as much as i could.

I suppose a plus for me in some ways is that by the time i was in year 7 my sister and brother were both known by pretty much every teacher as they were a couple of years in front of me and compared to them i was an angel so i managed to get away with alot more then i should have, thankfully.

Maths: “Sky is an enthusiastic student who takes pride in her work. Sky works best when in a small group but will still need to participate in the whole class discussions. She is a little quiet in class and i am concerned that she does not always ask if she does not fully understand the task that has been set”

English: “Sky is most often focused and ready to participate. She can be a hard working and conscientious student”

Science: “Sky is making good progress in Science. She asks and answers questions and is always willing to share her thoughts and ideas with the class”

 

Year 8 – 2009

I feel as though year 8 was the year i settled back again into someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the school atmosphere but knew i just had to get on with it. Granted i still had alot more time off school but i didn’t feel as petrified to go in. I mean there was the odd rumours going round but at the end of the day i wasn’t going to let something silly effect me so deeply.

I dont really have any memories of year 8 other then knowing it was a big year as it was the last year i would have to go along with the standard lessons for school as at the end of the year i would be able to choose what i felt confident in doing.

Even though my grades stayed quiet steady reading through my report its clear that my confidence was taking a tumble. This was the year i would become unable to do presentations or present anything to a group of people.

English: “Sky can explain her opinions clearly, although she needs to ensure she displays herself confidently in presentations”

Maths: “I would like Sky to be more vocal in the classroom both with asking questions and sharing ideas as i worry this may hinder her progress in later years”

Science: “Sky is a confident and charismatic member of the group who is only too willing to share her ideas and opinions”

Year 9 – 2010

Where to start with this year. Everything changed. My lessons, the people in those lessons and the importance of what i was doing. It quite frankly petrified me. This is where bullying really was an issue. An issue to the point at the start of year 9 i didn’t attend school for at least 2 months. I felt horrible. Like those little rumours going around in school had sudden become even worse and i was trapped and unable to make any friends because they all saw me in the same way merely because the people who had spread the rumours were among the popular lot and to be honest in school everyone’s basically chained to their arse.

This meant that before i had even started getting into learning the options i had chosen i was behind. My grades had slipped and i was somewhat struggling to keep up. This is also the year i had gone back to making a fuss about going to school. Every morning i would say i was poorly to push my luck and see if i was able to have the day off of school. Sadly this is also the year my dad had to quit work because of health issues meaning i wasn’t able to get away with just as much time off as i used too.

My English grades had slipped from an A to a C. My maths from an A to a D and BTEC science i was failing. It was basically a year where my mental health became more prominent in my life but at the time it didn’t occur to anyone that was happening. I didn’t even know that these issues existed, we were never taught about mental health or the effects it could have on a person let alone what to look out for when diagnosing.

When i did finally go back into school i came to the realization that a few of my new option classes were fine. Hospitality and catering only having 7 people in it and all of them being somewhat friendly so i managed to cope. My option ICT being the same, everyone got along. They were quite possibly the only subjects in school that i was able to just sit and relax too. Then halfway through the year everything got bad again and with doing presentations being a compulsory thing in school subjects i had a complete meltdown and felt myself reaching bottom again and not being able to go into school, skipping days and even lessons whenever i could. Add all that with the fact i didn’t particular get along with my English teacher as it was, it was like hell for me.

English, Lesson attendance 74.5% :“Sky needs to spend more time on her class and her home work, as it can sometimes be unfinished or not completed to the highest of standard. Her controlled assessment is up to date except for her performance piece which needs to be completed as soon as possible. Sky achieved a band 2 on her recent controlled assessment and should be aiming for a band 4/5”

Maths, Lesson attendance 76.5%: “Sky is currently working at a grade B and is a focused member of the group who wants to achieve a high grade. Skys class work is good quality and she finds it easy to understand new topics”

Science, Lesson attendance 74.3%: “Sky is a hard working and conscientious student who always produces a good standard of work. Sky should be proud of her achievements this year”

Year 10 – 2011

What can i say about this year other then it was the start of my complete downhill spiral. I sadly dont have a report for this year as i was just not at school that much to be able to receive one. Quite frankly during this year if i was at school it was a miracle. I was behind on all my work and setting myself up for a fail.

I had changed classes yet again which caused me an unnecessary amount of stress. I had been kept in BTEC science when i had really wanted to be put into a GCSE class for that year so i spent the first couple of lessons sorting my move out to another class, who i was lucky enough to have an amazing teacher for.

I had English with a different teacher which i was happy about but my old teacher had spoke about me so much in the staff room that i felt somewhat scared of any English teacher as i had been given so many funny looks from them all, even given snide marks by my old English teacher whilst they were around. Turns out the day she realised i wasn’t in her class anymore she made a funny remark about it in front of the entire class. Another confidence knock.

This year was filled with loads of knock downs if im honest with you. I remember an incident in business where the shape of my hair bun became topic of conversation which led me to cut my hair to a reasonable length so i could have it in a ponytail, i remember just walking to class no problem and a girl making a remark about not putting some foam on me because i would cry like a baby and the worst one of all, i remember going into maths late one day as i had a form meeting with my tutor which at one point everyone had to have and i had been told to pick a group to join. Being a normal person i picked a group with one of my friends in only to be met with the loud and very rude remark of “I dont want her joining our group” The entire class laughed. I have never in my entire life felt as humiliated and hurt as i did that moment. Not one person stuck up for me or said something back for the remark and that is something that i will always remember from School.

Year 11 – 2012

I say year, it was more like a few weeks. A few weeks that fully petrified me into never wanting my future kids to go into a school, to never want them to experience education in the way i did. The year hadn’t started off very well as it was, although i had all the same classes, luckily. There had been an incident which meant there was a lot of fuss. Im sure ive mentioned this before but im not going into it, we are grown ups now and thats a thing of the past, a thing i do not hold any grudges or anything for and a situation that just needs to be forgotten now.

I had been pulled out of classes by teachers non stop, not only for this situation but for other reasons such as my attendance already failing and my work going dramatically downhill. The issue i had a problem with is they were moaning about my work going downhill but it was them that were taking me out of class for god knows how long to have a long rant at me about what was expected of me. This meaning i was losing vital time on my lessons for my GCSEs.

Now due to everything i didn’t quite see the point in going into school. My mental health had gotten to a very severe point at this stage and it was in fact my dad who said to me if i wanted to leave school that was up to me and he would be 100% behind me. Now i must admit leaving school at the start of the most important year there is was not something i thought i would ever be doing. I wanted to do my GCSEs, go to six form and hopefully get into university but here i was stuck in a situation where i was going to lessons crying my eyes out over the stress and the anxiety of everything. One situation getting so bad that i had been crying my eyes out in the toilet for 20 minutes before going back into lesson to only go straight in and ending up sobbing my eyes out for the rest of the lesson. Luckily my science teacher was a very understanding man.

That was the day i had enough and i called my mum and said to her to come and get me, that was the day i had cemented in my mind that i was leaving school and not coming back. That was also the day a teacher had called my mum an unfit mother but again thats not something i am going to get into.

So thats pretty much my entire school life written out for you all in stages to help you understand properly just when everything started to go wrong. I left school with no GCSEs and the worst mental health but here i am today. Different achievements thanks to college and a mental health that is slowly improving. I may have felt like i ruined many years of my life with a situation that made me feel beyond fixable but i was lucky enough to gain some amazing people in my life thanks to it.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, infants and juniors….

As i turn 20 in a week or so i decided to have a clear out of my bedroom and as i was doing so i happened to come across all my reports from when i was at school. Now as someone who likes to keep absolutely everything, going through them i realised i have nearly every report from every school year. So here is a post about the comments my teachers made and how i felt at that time and if it effected me in anyway with my work and social skills.

Pre-School – 2000.

I dont remember much about pre-school only that it was a tiny little couple of rooms that was attached to the infants school. That and there used to be a lady who worked there and had blonde hair and always wore glasses. Other then that i couldn’t really tell you anything about my experience there as i was clearly too young to remember anything. The comments i get in my report however say nothing but positive things. If anything the report makes me come across as a very confident child.

“Sky shows excellent understanding of writing having a purpose and is keen to write lists, especially at role play activities. She has the confidence to sing songs to the group”

For as long as i can remember i would never get up in front of the class to present something without freaking out let alone sing to a group of people. Up until the last year or so i wouldn’t even sing loudly in my bedroom without the fear of my parents or someone hearing and making a sarcastic comment.

“Sky has a caring and affectionate nature and is an enthuasiastic and cheerful member of pre-school. She interacts well with others and often (not sure what word she uses as i am unable to understand her handwriting) group play”

Year R to Year 2

I remember year R very vividly. I remember having a boyfriend who also had 6 other girlfriends and thinking that was completely normal. I remember only having to walk a little extra to what i would have to get to my new class and my teacher being very sweet. Other then that i dont remember anything else. However i left near the end of year R to attend a school in Northampton so sadly i never got a report for that year. Nor did i for year 1 or year 2. But i remember year 2 like it was yesterday.

I remember having a teacher called Miss Scott who was horrible. By this stage i had become petrified of school and had screamed and cried every morning because i couldn’t face going in. Everyone was aware of the situation. The school, everyone in the playground and probably the whole town with how loud my screams were. However this teacher put it all down to me being a ‘spoilt brat’ so i got no sympathy in that respect. I remember two specific days very clearly.

Day 1 i had managed to somehow be persuaded to go into the classroom and i just remember sitting their during reading time crying my eyes out and when my friend came to comfort me she would have ago at them and tell them to leave me alone as i was in a mood and needed to come out of it before having any play. Day 2 is a little more embarrassing on my behalf and it haunts me every day since. My mum had tried everything to get me to go in to school with no fuss and one day she persuaded me to come to the school for a meeting and as soon as i realised i wasn’t going home with her i lost it. I remember being in the corridor screaming because i physically didn’t want to be left alone in this place that i felt so alone in. In turn i ended up seeing my mum cry her eyes out for the first time due to guilt that she was forcing me to do something that was making me in such a state. I feel as though that day effected me in some way for every day after but i dont dare mention it and bring back those memories for my mum.

Year 3 – 2004

I want to say year 3 started off great but then that would be some lie. It started off terrible. The first day of year 3 i stood in the playground and refused to go in. I had my hair cut short and i felt stupid. I felt like i was going to get bullied now i was in this entirely new school with people i didn’t particularly know. This in turn caused a huge scene in front of my new classmates and my new teacher which just about set me up for the entire year.

Looking on the positive side of school for once. My teacher was great. She had my brother the previous year meaning her and my mum were on a page they both understood and everything wasn’t so scary for my mum to leave me in her care.

“Sky is usually a happy friendly child. She works with enthusiasm and interest, always trying her best. She always listens well when lessons are being introduced and in discussion will often offer thoughtful contributions to the topic under discussion”

Despite my wobbles during the year in year 3 i had full attendance. I attended school 100%. Which you’ll come to realise is a one off for me. Im quite shocked myself actually looking at the attendance sheet. Thats not something i expected to see. In year 3 i did my Interim tests and my results are pretty impressive. Reading being a 3C. Writing being a 2B and maths being a 2B.

Year 4 – 2005

I dont remember year 4 that well. Im not sure why but its just not something thats stuck in my mind like the other years. I remember the teacher very clearly. We didn’t get along. I was always on the end of her lectures somehow. I could go through my report with you but quite frankly its just a whole load of writing of her putting me down in some part of my work and its not something i look on very fondly. I mean granted i wasn’t the smartest in my years at school but i didn’t have trouble at all with doing things correctly and having work done on time. She seemed to disagree clearly.

“Sky is very keen to do well and does try her best most of the time. She must remember not to rush her work and to check for easily correctable mistakes”

Again looking back on my attendance for year 4 im shocked. I have a 96.8% attendance. I mean granted although i was having trouble going in everyday it hadn’t gotten to the point where it was affecting me very widely.

Year 5 – 2006

Shoutout to my teacher for this year. Mr O’Neill. He was absolutely amazing especially as this year was quite possibly the worst out of all of the years i went to school. I absolutely hated it by this point. Refusing to go into school and getting away with it because my dad was at work so i could just bunk off as most of the time my mum was poorly. By this point every one in the school was aware of what a horror i was in the morning. It getting to a point where my learning was affected as i would get myself in such a state that i wouldn’t be able to concentrate for the rest of the day.

“Sky is an able girl who has maintained a good standard across the subject range. She listens well and can express her opinion clearly. Sky needs to work hard to begin the day without the show of tears and moans that she puts you through. Despite all the support offered to her by Mrs Gee and the school, Sky has it in her own control to curb the daily performance. She must maintain regular attendance and tackle each day in a positive cheery manner”

It going so far that the headteachers comment was also involved.

“Now that Sky is moving to year 6 i expect to hear that she is taking a far more mature to entering school in the morning. She is a bright young lady and i expect her to pull all her efforts into achieving to her potential”

I hate to think what my attendance for year 5 was as i hardly ever attended but seen as i dont seem to have an attendance slip to hand i suppose it’ll just leave us all guessing.

Year 6 – 2007

Year 6. The year we have drummed into our minds that our future could be affected by the choices we make in this specific year. The year we spend being stressed over how much our work needs to be put forward in order to achieve something we can be proud of and show off to other people.

This year was pretty ok for me if im honest. I had a few wobbles but the mornings seem to calm down by the time i got to year 6. Being in the same class for so many years i had finally gotten used to the people around me and felt comfortable going in every morning. I mean i must admit i had alot of time off school meaning i fell behind quite alot but that was just a usual thing i did by now. If something got too much i would have a couple of days off school to have a calm down about the whole situation. In year 6 however you weren’t allowed to do that. Take even an hour off to go to the dentist they would come at you about how important this year was and how you were affecting the decision on your future school.

I remember one time in year 6 where i had been a typical child and mixed blue paint with glue whilst i was cleaning it all away and my teacher absolutely let rip on me. I felt humiliated and sat there for the rest of the lesson crying my eyes out because to me i was cleaning it away and it wasn’t going to be used anyway so i didn’t see what the problem was however for her it was some out of control issue that she felt the need to humiliate me for in front of the entire class. That the meaning i had more days off as i was too embarrassed to even go into class for at least a week of two after that.

“Sky always listens well to lesson introductions and she makes good contributions to the class discussions. She also works hard at her table and has produced some wonderful pieces of work this year. Because of this, she has been my student of the week on more than one occasion. During the second half of the year Skys work speed increased dramatically and i regularly had to provide her with extra work as she was going so fast. Although i am concerned at the amount of time that she has had off school, in particular during the build up to her SATs.

My headteachers comment for the end of the school seeming to be somewhat similar

“Skys attendance for the whole year has fallen below 85% and this needs to improve next year. Over the four years i have never had to speak to Sky about anything negative”

Turns out my time off didn’t affect my SATs at all. I achieved a level 4 in everything except reading which i achieved a level 5 in. Which is a level thats above the national standard expected for most 11 year olds.

I feel as though i was very lucky as although going to school was hard for me during Juniors and Infants it doesn’t seem to have had that much of an effect on my school work, meaning i was able to achieve above average in the end even when the teachers doubted i would be able to achieve even average due to so much time off. I am no way boasting, its just how it is. I find myself very intelligent. Not overly intelligent and someone who should stand out of a crowd of people but as intelligent as you would expect a  young woman at my age to be and that is something i find a good credit about myself despite everything i have had to go through in my life.

You may have noticed this is only my Infants and Junior year. Due to this blog post being so long i felt it was only best to split it into two different blog posts as my secondary school years are filled with alot more complicated situations as the classes are all separate and there are different attendances, teacher comments and grades for each class.

Look out for my next post and feel free to sign up for email alerts when a post is posted, it will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Have a good day

Sky x