Embarrassing anxiety moment?….

Last night i went on a night out, a night out that ive probably been out to untold times. A night out that always starts and ends the same so gives me somewhat help in getting my mind ready for if something may happen. Last night however it was anything but normal. The start of the night was perfectly fine, in fact we started half way through the day and i was able to have a really good and relaxed time. My chest pains were hurting, an effect of my own stupidity may i add, but apart from that everything was fine.

We had a few pre-drinks you know the normal of drink more, spend less when you’re out sort of thing that everyone’s does and it was going alright. Now im not going to go into detail about the events that happened because not only would that be rude of me but its not something that i feel would be appreciated in being plastered on the internet so instead im going to skip forward to my major attack.

I wish i could explain what started it specifically but if im honest with you i haven’t got a clue. Its that feeling that takes over you and then you’re more then aware that everyone else is around you and probably looking at why you are acting somewhat strange so in true Sky fashion i went to the toilet. Not only to try and calm myself down but to also avoid making a dick out of myself. I still did. I thought i had fully calmed down turns out as soon as i came out of the toilet i completely lost it and went into a pretty mild anxiety attack (mild for me anyway)

I always feel with my blog i should let everyone know that its not something to be embarrassed about and you shouldn’t feel that way. Its true you shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean you dont. I cant even begin to explain to you how stupid i felt as soon as it had passed, how embarrassed i was that people had to witness that in such a public place. I mean granted at the end of it i was able to carry on with my night and get drunk and forget about it but as soon as i woke up this morning i just felt horrid. You see when you have an anxiety attack you’re somewhat embarrassed over what you’re anxious about, its a natural feeling but when you have that feeling plus completely losing it to the level i did, its beyond embarrassing, i could cry thinking about it right now.

Its made me somewhat more self conscious. I wont be rushing out anywhere anytime soon, i doubt ill have any plans made simply because i need my time to get over such embarrassment so until then i’ll probably dissolve back into my little safe bubble i have. Not that it makes it any better. Having an anxiety attack that bad in front of people effects you in EVERY way. I dont want to be around people, i dont want to risk that happening again and i just dont want anyone to know me right now, thats the level of embarrassment i feel every time one of those attacks happen. It sounds silly and im aware it sounds silly like everything i write about probably sounds silly in one point of view but its real and it happens regularly.

On the plus side my makeup stayed in tact!

Have a good day 

Sky x

Does my anxiety scare me?

Yes.

My anxiety has always scared me and it probably always will. To have an anxiety attack is a situation i wouldn’t ask on anyone, its damaging. The idea of never being able to go to a place because just the thought of it brings that feeling to the pit of your stomach. The fact that you’re aware it could pop up at any second so you’re always on edge when making plans because you know how big of a chance there is for it to just appear and you dont want to be viewed as the ‘dickhead’ because thats what you see yourself as. My mental health causes such bad thoughts because it makes me feel silly, stupid and like some sort of joke. I mean im more then aware now of how it effects me and how much of the time its my mental health talking but theres always them times when i sit there and just think about how much better my life could be.

Im scared on how much it will effect my future especially when its effected my past so much already. Its like this unwanted bubble around everyone, people are scared of the words ‘mental health’ so when hearing it they do nothing but run a mile. I’ve become used to it. I mean i used to view things as damaging because it wouldn’t make me feel any better then i already did but growing up I’ve come to realise its just a part of life and i cant be angry at people for being scared of it when to be fair theres no education surrounding it so how would they get the chance understand it.

In all fairness i probably completely overthink scenarios in my head and assume them to be the worst and thats probably why they are, or why i chicken out of things last moment but its something my mind will do and over the years I’ve had such a battle with it that i often give up and let it take control because its so much easier and less energy demanding then fighting it. I am in no way saying i do that all the time because if im honest i probably wouldn’t be where i am today, especially in my family anyway. I must admit lately i do feel as though im getting alot better in myself mood wise.

My anxiety hasn’t changed and I’ve come to the realisation that instead of trying to overcome it i just need to try and manage it and i feel as though this thought path has completely lifted my spirit in things. I have plans coming up in the future that i probably never would of planned but the idea that i have such an amazing support network of friends behind me i want to give them ago. Even though the idea is beyond petrifying me now even when its not until July but thats something i have to learn to live with.

I think what scares me more then the anxiety itself is how its going to plan out my future. Im petrified of finding no one that understands to then be left in this bubble by myself and regretting going down the path of managing it, im scared that i will constantly be seen as this unstable girl that shouldn’t be allowed the time of day for anything because of the damage my past has had.

In an ideal world i would like people to suddenly understand mental health better, get on board and maybe we wont feel as though we’ve taken a step back and been viewed in almost a shadowed light. Wishes for the future i guess.

Have a good day 

Sky x

I now have a blog facebook page that i would love if you could head on over and like. Its where i will post anything blog related or anything that i feel would help in any way! Thanks in advance! https://www.facebook.com/Skylouiseblu/

 

The insecurities that come with my anxiety…

For this blog post i thought i would talk about the insecurities that come along with my anxiety as i feel as though that should be made just as big of an issue as the anxiety is. As it is we aren’t seen as something important or worth while to acknowledge but with the fact hardly anyone around us is truly aware of the causes of anxiety means along with the anxiety comes a hell of a lot more insecurities.

I basically live my life clouded by insecurities and fear. If im not scared of going somewhere im scared of the reactions i might get from some people or the talks that may go on behind my back about my situation or my reaction to something. For example, my anxiety has stopped me travelling plenty of times to the point i just dont bother anymore because i waste so much money on travel and hotels etc only to never use them because i become too scared last minute and i suppose you could say i chicken out. This means if i made plans with someone they get extremely upset and angry about it and i cant help but feel as though they despise me in some way even though they are aware of my situation. The issue is, some of you may just be thinking well why dont i say no, im too paranoid. I can physically not say no to someone through the fear of being judged in some way and made out to be a weakling, i assume this is something that i have gotten from my childhood as i was always seen as the weakling and the person that everyone would take the mick out of if i said no. So im left in a problem, i know i probably wont be able to force myself to go when the event pops up but i become anxious in the idea of their reaction when i say no.

It effects me massively because then i say no or i muck people around so much that i become a talking point and they just dont bother asking me anymore, instead they take the mick out of my situation and it hurts me beyond belief and they are so unaware because to them its funny how i am unable to get on any transport. I must say i do have some amazing friends who are well aware of my situation and are 100% supportive constantly and would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, nor would they push me beyond what they thought would stress me out. There’s just those people that dont quite understand the severity. Its not just failing to turn up to me, its panic, guilt, exhaustion and a whole week of trying to get my body to properly recover from something that i am aware is nothing.

Obviously the loss of experience and just being able to have those memories is something that is quite damaging because even though it seems silly, i have nothing that i could possibly share from what i have experienced so far in my life. Im stuck in an everyday routine too scared to even leave my town meaning there is no new memories that i share with anyone that stands out and when it comes to a conversation with a group of people and they’re on about something i was unable to go to due to my anxiety, it really hurts. I mean they arent aware because they’re just reminiscing on good times but it makes me feel beyond pathetic that i missed out on those memories because i was too scared to be able to do something to get there.

Relationships are a main factor in life especially if like me your main goal is to one day settle down with a nice family. With anxiety its very rare that i have the courage to approach someone or even talk to them as the thought just petrifies me. I just assume that as soon as they find out the littlest detail about me it will turn beyond tragedy or even that they dont have any connection with me whatsoever and they’re just doing it as a joke for a group chat. So it never happens meaning i NEVER speak to anyone new nor do i go and meet anyone because i am too anxious and beside myself with panic that i cant even think about it. Everything that could possibly go wrong works its way clockwise in my brain until its blocking the pathway so nothing else is able to work itself in.

If im honest with you i could go on forever about the insecurities that my anxiety brings. The way it effects my life even when its not present which i must admit lately is just about never. The way im unable to allow myself to do things or freely speak my mind without feeling anxious about the outcome of what one might say.

As i mentioned earlier on in this post something that has helped me cope lately is my friends. Where i live i have some amazing friends, some ive known forever and some that i have only recently met but they are AMAZING. I feel as though they properly understand what im going through and they go over absolutely everything in order to make sure i dont feel as anxious at events. I remember once i was at a party with them and my anxiety was beyond sky high so i ended up just sitting there on the verge of tears and almost immediately they sensed something was wrong and took me in another room. Its comforting to know that even though in this crazy world of people that have absolutely no clue what my brain is like that there are these small amounts of precious people that take time out of their busy lifes to understand and make life abit easier for me. I must admit i do feel less anxious about things around them and i do feel as though i can do more with their support around me but i’ll let you know in July how true that is!

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, Secondary School.

Going into Secondary school was never going to be easy, it taking me 6 years already to settle into a school with people i knew the whole time not really making me feel confident about how i was going to settle into a completely new school with a new schedule, new children and a whole new layout. As some of you may be aware before you go into secondary school you have two induction days. I only went to one and the one day i did attend i cried the entire day, i HATED it. I felt trapped and the fact that the rest of the years looked down on us and thought they could get away with treating us however they wanted didn’t help but add to my already off the scale anxiety. This meant that on the second induction day i went straight back to that girl i had left behind only half a year ago. Sobbing my heart out every morning and putting my parents through absolute hell due to the fear i had.

Year 7 – 2008

Year 7 was a year of complete change for me. I had gone from having that safety network of being walked right to the classroom door to only being walked up to my nans and then walking with my sister and brother into school. I had gone to having these different classes with different teachers that didn’t understand the past situations or how to handle it correctly and worse of all, i had gone from everyone being equal in the classroom to it all being about being at the top of the popularity table. It was like a war zone to me.

However apart from the obvious changes, looking back at my report i seemed to do perfectly fine work wise. My grades being very high and only having 1 C for the end of year, the rest being A’s and B’s. Which taking into consideration everything that was going on in that time of my life i can only be shocked about.

Getting further into the year however, in geography especially, my mood seemed to start changing towards how i would act when things would happen.

“It is also a concern to me that when Sky is corrected for something such as turning around or talking, she tends to react negatively and become upset rather than taking the correction on board”

I remember that subject very well and although i dont particularly remember the teacher very well i do remember one incident where i had gotten so upset i walked out of the class and locked myself in the toilet. I had been humiliated in front of the entire class by the teacher and to me that was my worst nightmare come true. After that i bunked off Geography as much as i could.

I suppose a plus for me in some ways is that by the time i was in year 7 my sister and brother were both known by pretty much every teacher as they were a couple of years in front of me and compared to them i was an angel so i managed to get away with alot more then i should have, thankfully.

Maths: “Sky is an enthusiastic student who takes pride in her work. Sky works best when in a small group but will still need to participate in the whole class discussions. She is a little quiet in class and i am concerned that she does not always ask if she does not fully understand the task that has been set”

English: “Sky is most often focused and ready to participate. She can be a hard working and conscientious student”

Science: “Sky is making good progress in Science. She asks and answers questions and is always willing to share her thoughts and ideas with the class”

 

Year 8 – 2009

I feel as though year 8 was the year i settled back again into someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the school atmosphere but knew i just had to get on with it. Granted i still had alot more time off school but i didn’t feel as petrified to go in. I mean there was the odd rumours going round but at the end of the day i wasn’t going to let something silly effect me so deeply.

I dont really have any memories of year 8 other then knowing it was a big year as it was the last year i would have to go along with the standard lessons for school as at the end of the year i would be able to choose what i felt confident in doing.

Even though my grades stayed quiet steady reading through my report its clear that my confidence was taking a tumble. This was the year i would become unable to do presentations or present anything to a group of people.

English: “Sky can explain her opinions clearly, although she needs to ensure she displays herself confidently in presentations”

Maths: “I would like Sky to be more vocal in the classroom both with asking questions and sharing ideas as i worry this may hinder her progress in later years”

Science: “Sky is a confident and charismatic member of the group who is only too willing to share her ideas and opinions”

Year 9 – 2010

Where to start with this year. Everything changed. My lessons, the people in those lessons and the importance of what i was doing. It quite frankly petrified me. This is where bullying really was an issue. An issue to the point at the start of year 9 i didn’t attend school for at least 2 months. I felt horrible. Like those little rumours going around in school had sudden become even worse and i was trapped and unable to make any friends because they all saw me in the same way merely because the people who had spread the rumours were among the popular lot and to be honest in school everyone’s basically chained to their arse.

This meant that before i had even started getting into learning the options i had chosen i was behind. My grades had slipped and i was somewhat struggling to keep up. This is also the year i had gone back to making a fuss about going to school. Every morning i would say i was poorly to push my luck and see if i was able to have the day off of school. Sadly this is also the year my dad had to quit work because of health issues meaning i wasn’t able to get away with just as much time off as i used too.

My English grades had slipped from an A to a C. My maths from an A to a D and BTEC science i was failing. It was basically a year where my mental health became more prominent in my life but at the time it didn’t occur to anyone that was happening. I didn’t even know that these issues existed, we were never taught about mental health or the effects it could have on a person let alone what to look out for when diagnosing.

When i did finally go back into school i came to the realization that a few of my new option classes were fine. Hospitality and catering only having 7 people in it and all of them being somewhat friendly so i managed to cope. My option ICT being the same, everyone got along. They were quite possibly the only subjects in school that i was able to just sit and relax too. Then halfway through the year everything got bad again and with doing presentations being a compulsory thing in school subjects i had a complete meltdown and felt myself reaching bottom again and not being able to go into school, skipping days and even lessons whenever i could. Add all that with the fact i didn’t particular get along with my English teacher as it was, it was like hell for me.

English, Lesson attendance 74.5% :“Sky needs to spend more time on her class and her home work, as it can sometimes be unfinished or not completed to the highest of standard. Her controlled assessment is up to date except for her performance piece which needs to be completed as soon as possible. Sky achieved a band 2 on her recent controlled assessment and should be aiming for a band 4/5”

Maths, Lesson attendance 76.5%: “Sky is currently working at a grade B and is a focused member of the group who wants to achieve a high grade. Skys class work is good quality and she finds it easy to understand new topics”

Science, Lesson attendance 74.3%: “Sky is a hard working and conscientious student who always produces a good standard of work. Sky should be proud of her achievements this year”

Year 10 – 2011

What can i say about this year other then it was the start of my complete downhill spiral. I sadly dont have a report for this year as i was just not at school that much to be able to receive one. Quite frankly during this year if i was at school it was a miracle. I was behind on all my work and setting myself up for a fail.

I had changed classes yet again which caused me an unnecessary amount of stress. I had been kept in BTEC science when i had really wanted to be put into a GCSE class for that year so i spent the first couple of lessons sorting my move out to another class, who i was lucky enough to have an amazing teacher for.

I had English with a different teacher which i was happy about but my old teacher had spoke about me so much in the staff room that i felt somewhat scared of any English teacher as i had been given so many funny looks from them all, even given snide marks by my old English teacher whilst they were around. Turns out the day she realised i wasn’t in her class anymore she made a funny remark about it in front of the entire class. Another confidence knock.

This year was filled with loads of knock downs if im honest with you. I remember an incident in business where the shape of my hair bun became topic of conversation which led me to cut my hair to a reasonable length so i could have it in a ponytail, i remember just walking to class no problem and a girl making a remark about not putting some foam on me because i would cry like a baby and the worst one of all, i remember going into maths late one day as i had a form meeting with my tutor which at one point everyone had to have and i had been told to pick a group to join. Being a normal person i picked a group with one of my friends in only to be met with the loud and very rude remark of “I dont want her joining our group” The entire class laughed. I have never in my entire life felt as humiliated and hurt as i did that moment. Not one person stuck up for me or said something back for the remark and that is something that i will always remember from School.

Year 11 – 2012

I say year, it was more like a few weeks. A few weeks that fully petrified me into never wanting my future kids to go into a school, to never want them to experience education in the way i did. The year hadn’t started off very well as it was, although i had all the same classes, luckily. There had been an incident which meant there was a lot of fuss. Im sure ive mentioned this before but im not going into it, we are grown ups now and thats a thing of the past, a thing i do not hold any grudges or anything for and a situation that just needs to be forgotten now.

I had been pulled out of classes by teachers non stop, not only for this situation but for other reasons such as my attendance already failing and my work going dramatically downhill. The issue i had a problem with is they were moaning about my work going downhill but it was them that were taking me out of class for god knows how long to have a long rant at me about what was expected of me. This meaning i was losing vital time on my lessons for my GCSEs.

Now due to everything i didn’t quite see the point in going into school. My mental health had gotten to a very severe point at this stage and it was in fact my dad who said to me if i wanted to leave school that was up to me and he would be 100% behind me. Now i must admit leaving school at the start of the most important year there is was not something i thought i would ever be doing. I wanted to do my GCSEs, go to six form and hopefully get into university but here i was stuck in a situation where i was going to lessons crying my eyes out over the stress and the anxiety of everything. One situation getting so bad that i had been crying my eyes out in the toilet for 20 minutes before going back into lesson to only go straight in and ending up sobbing my eyes out for the rest of the lesson. Luckily my science teacher was a very understanding man.

That was the day i had enough and i called my mum and said to her to come and get me, that was the day i had cemented in my mind that i was leaving school and not coming back. That was also the day a teacher had called my mum an unfit mother but again thats not something i am going to get into.

So thats pretty much my entire school life written out for you all in stages to help you understand properly just when everything started to go wrong. I left school with no GCSEs and the worst mental health but here i am today. Different achievements thanks to college and a mental health that is slowly improving. I may have felt like i ruined many years of my life with a situation that made me feel beyond fixable but i was lucky enough to gain some amazing people in my life thanks to it.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, infants and juniors….

As i turn 20 in a week or so i decided to have a clear out of my bedroom and as i was doing so i happened to come across all my reports from when i was at school. Now as someone who likes to keep absolutely everything, going through them i realised i have nearly every report from every school year. So here is a post about the comments my teachers made and how i felt at that time and if it effected me in anyway with my work and social skills.

Pre-School – 2000.

I dont remember much about pre-school only that it was a tiny little couple of rooms that was attached to the infants school. That and there used to be a lady who worked there and had blonde hair and always wore glasses. Other then that i couldn’t really tell you anything about my experience there as i was clearly too young to remember anything. The comments i get in my report however say nothing but positive things. If anything the report makes me come across as a very confident child.

“Sky shows excellent understanding of writing having a purpose and is keen to write lists, especially at role play activities. She has the confidence to sing songs to the group”

For as long as i can remember i would never get up in front of the class to present something without freaking out let alone sing to a group of people. Up until the last year or so i wouldn’t even sing loudly in my bedroom without the fear of my parents or someone hearing and making a sarcastic comment.

“Sky has a caring and affectionate nature and is an enthuasiastic and cheerful member of pre-school. She interacts well with others and often (not sure what word she uses as i am unable to understand her handwriting) group play”

Year R to Year 2

I remember year R very vividly. I remember having a boyfriend who also had 6 other girlfriends and thinking that was completely normal. I remember only having to walk a little extra to what i would have to get to my new class and my teacher being very sweet. Other then that i dont remember anything else. However i left near the end of year R to attend a school in Northampton so sadly i never got a report for that year. Nor did i for year 1 or year 2. But i remember year 2 like it was yesterday.

I remember having a teacher called Miss Scott who was horrible. By this stage i had become petrified of school and had screamed and cried every morning because i couldn’t face going in. Everyone was aware of the situation. The school, everyone in the playground and probably the whole town with how loud my screams were. However this teacher put it all down to me being a ‘spoilt brat’ so i got no sympathy in that respect. I remember two specific days very clearly.

Day 1 i had managed to somehow be persuaded to go into the classroom and i just remember sitting their during reading time crying my eyes out and when my friend came to comfort me she would have ago at them and tell them to leave me alone as i was in a mood and needed to come out of it before having any play. Day 2 is a little more embarrassing on my behalf and it haunts me every day since. My mum had tried everything to get me to go in to school with no fuss and one day she persuaded me to come to the school for a meeting and as soon as i realised i wasn’t going home with her i lost it. I remember being in the corridor screaming because i physically didn’t want to be left alone in this place that i felt so alone in. In turn i ended up seeing my mum cry her eyes out for the first time due to guilt that she was forcing me to do something that was making me in such a state. I feel as though that day effected me in some way for every day after but i dont dare mention it and bring back those memories for my mum.

Year 3 – 2004

I want to say year 3 started off great but then that would be some lie. It started off terrible. The first day of year 3 i stood in the playground and refused to go in. I had my hair cut short and i felt stupid. I felt like i was going to get bullied now i was in this entirely new school with people i didn’t particularly know. This in turn caused a huge scene in front of my new classmates and my new teacher which just about set me up for the entire year.

Looking on the positive side of school for once. My teacher was great. She had my brother the previous year meaning her and my mum were on a page they both understood and everything wasn’t so scary for my mum to leave me in her care.

“Sky is usually a happy friendly child. She works with enthusiasm and interest, always trying her best. She always listens well when lessons are being introduced and in discussion will often offer thoughtful contributions to the topic under discussion”

Despite my wobbles during the year in year 3 i had full attendance. I attended school 100%. Which you’ll come to realise is a one off for me. Im quite shocked myself actually looking at the attendance sheet. Thats not something i expected to see. In year 3 i did my Interim tests and my results are pretty impressive. Reading being a 3C. Writing being a 2B and maths being a 2B.

Year 4 – 2005

I dont remember year 4 that well. Im not sure why but its just not something thats stuck in my mind like the other years. I remember the teacher very clearly. We didn’t get along. I was always on the end of her lectures somehow. I could go through my report with you but quite frankly its just a whole load of writing of her putting me down in some part of my work and its not something i look on very fondly. I mean granted i wasn’t the smartest in my years at school but i didn’t have trouble at all with doing things correctly and having work done on time. She seemed to disagree clearly.

“Sky is very keen to do well and does try her best most of the time. She must remember not to rush her work and to check for easily correctable mistakes”

Again looking back on my attendance for year 4 im shocked. I have a 96.8% attendance. I mean granted although i was having trouble going in everyday it hadn’t gotten to the point where it was affecting me very widely.

Year 5 – 2006

Shoutout to my teacher for this year. Mr O’Neill. He was absolutely amazing especially as this year was quite possibly the worst out of all of the years i went to school. I absolutely hated it by this point. Refusing to go into school and getting away with it because my dad was at work so i could just bunk off as most of the time my mum was poorly. By this point every one in the school was aware of what a horror i was in the morning. It getting to a point where my learning was affected as i would get myself in such a state that i wouldn’t be able to concentrate for the rest of the day.

“Sky is an able girl who has maintained a good standard across the subject range. She listens well and can express her opinion clearly. Sky needs to work hard to begin the day without the show of tears and moans that she puts you through. Despite all the support offered to her by Mrs Gee and the school, Sky has it in her own control to curb the daily performance. She must maintain regular attendance and tackle each day in a positive cheery manner”

It going so far that the headteachers comment was also involved.

“Now that Sky is moving to year 6 i expect to hear that she is taking a far more mature to entering school in the morning. She is a bright young lady and i expect her to pull all her efforts into achieving to her potential”

I hate to think what my attendance for year 5 was as i hardly ever attended but seen as i dont seem to have an attendance slip to hand i suppose it’ll just leave us all guessing.

Year 6 – 2007

Year 6. The year we have drummed into our minds that our future could be affected by the choices we make in this specific year. The year we spend being stressed over how much our work needs to be put forward in order to achieve something we can be proud of and show off to other people.

This year was pretty ok for me if im honest. I had a few wobbles but the mornings seem to calm down by the time i got to year 6. Being in the same class for so many years i had finally gotten used to the people around me and felt comfortable going in every morning. I mean i must admit i had alot of time off school meaning i fell behind quite alot but that was just a usual thing i did by now. If something got too much i would have a couple of days off school to have a calm down about the whole situation. In year 6 however you weren’t allowed to do that. Take even an hour off to go to the dentist they would come at you about how important this year was and how you were affecting the decision on your future school.

I remember one time in year 6 where i had been a typical child and mixed blue paint with glue whilst i was cleaning it all away and my teacher absolutely let rip on me. I felt humiliated and sat there for the rest of the lesson crying my eyes out because to me i was cleaning it away and it wasn’t going to be used anyway so i didn’t see what the problem was however for her it was some out of control issue that she felt the need to humiliate me for in front of the entire class. That the meaning i had more days off as i was too embarrassed to even go into class for at least a week of two after that.

“Sky always listens well to lesson introductions and she makes good contributions to the class discussions. She also works hard at her table and has produced some wonderful pieces of work this year. Because of this, she has been my student of the week on more than one occasion. During the second half of the year Skys work speed increased dramatically and i regularly had to provide her with extra work as she was going so fast. Although i am concerned at the amount of time that she has had off school, in particular during the build up to her SATs.

My headteachers comment for the end of the school seeming to be somewhat similar

“Skys attendance for the whole year has fallen below 85% and this needs to improve next year. Over the four years i have never had to speak to Sky about anything negative”

Turns out my time off didn’t affect my SATs at all. I achieved a level 4 in everything except reading which i achieved a level 5 in. Which is a level thats above the national standard expected for most 11 year olds.

I feel as though i was very lucky as although going to school was hard for me during Juniors and Infants it doesn’t seem to have had that much of an effect on my school work, meaning i was able to achieve above average in the end even when the teachers doubted i would be able to achieve even average due to so much time off. I am no way boasting, its just how it is. I find myself very intelligent. Not overly intelligent and someone who should stand out of a crowd of people but as intelligent as you would expect a  young woman at my age to be and that is something i find a good credit about myself despite everything i have had to go through in my life.

You may have noticed this is only my Infants and Junior year. Due to this blog post being so long i felt it was only best to split it into two different blog posts as my secondary school years are filled with alot more complicated situations as the classes are all separate and there are different attendances, teacher comments and grades for each class.

Look out for my next post and feel free to sign up for email alerts when a post is posted, it will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Have a good day

Sky x

Does my anxiety effect my eating?

I frequently get asked the question on whether my anxiety effects my eating in anyway and if im honest with you all I’ve never really thought about how and what i eat in depth as its almost become a routine for me. So I thought for this blog post i would describe what my eating is like on my bad and good anxiety days and whether i feel anxious about certain types of food and how i go about them.

If im honest with you i dont eat very many full meals. I remember being able to go to school and pig out constantly then coming home just to eat even more. Since i left school and my anxiety got bad i dont go near new foods, if i wasn’t used to it before then i wont try it. Its almost like a fear inside me that stops me from eating anything out of my comfort zone whether that be sweets or just a simple sauce to put on top of my chips. Even if im used to the food if it looks gross i wont eat it for the fear theres something wrong with it.

For the past couple of months all i have eaten for dinner is microwave pizzas, you know those Chicago town ones that you put in the microwave for 3 and a half minutes. I will rarely go out of that and when i do it will simply be a roast or a small takeaway I’ve been getting since i can remember even then i wont eat it all. I dont have breakfast, ever. Im just not hungry when i first wake up, if anything i feel sick with anxiety with what the day could bring and when i do finally get hungry its at least 2 in the afternoon and then theres no point in having anything to eat until my pizzas.

I remember a couple of weeks back i had a terrible week, my anxiety was sky high and all i ate was 2 microwave pizzas and a banana for 4 days, i mean granted i downed at least 3 litres of coke but other then that i felt too sick and scared to eat. Often however i will snack throughout the day on a bag of sweets. Even then they have to be very specific sweets, i wont touch those sweets that leave a weird smell on your hand in fear of what they have in them.

I do go out to eat. Mcdonalds and sometimes jennys. I wont go anywhere else, i like feeling comfortable and those places make me feel like that and im not sure if thats because i have the same thing every time i go there so im used to it now or what. I mean granted it completely over looks my fear of whats in foods but for some reason i feel ok with these places, probably the stupidest thing ever said but it makes sense to me.

I eat very little, i am aware of that but its how i am. I do however drink alot. I have at least 4 hot drinks in the day and i constantly have cans or bottles of coke laying near me that i drink throughout the day so i suppose in some way you can say im replacing my food with litres of coke.  I have been told constantly by my counselors that the caffeine in coke is what makes my anxiety worse then it probably would be and i did make myself not drink it for weeks but i became so weak that i went straight back to drinking it.

Apart from all that ive mentioned before this i feel as though im pretty normal with food. Granted on my really anxious days i dont eat but then would you if you constantly felt on edge and like you was going to throw up if you hadn’t already?

Now i am in no way saying that 100% my bad eating is linked to my anxiety in anyway i am simply putting out there what my eating is like on good and bad days and answering a question i was asked. However I do feel as though on my bad days my anxiety effects my eating but i also think its different for every person. It could not effect some peoples eating habits or it could effect them massively, its all down to the individual.

Have a good day

Sky x

Anxiety leading up to an event….

I came to the realization whilst staring at the ceiling trying to forget the fact i have a huge mess around me that needs to be tidied up that i have in fact never wrote a post about lead up anxiety. Now I am aware this can also be called just anxiety but what i mean is the thought of a certain event causing you to have anxiety for a long period of time.. As anxiety doesn’t just occur on the day of the event it can start from weeks before, the mere thought of it sending you into a panic. At this current moment in time i am in fact going through this, an upcoming mouth surgery i have to have playing in the back of my mind constantly. The thought absolutely terrifying me.

Personally i go through this many times, often leaving things till the last possible moment i can purely so the length of time i have anxiety about it is shortened. I remember when i traveled to bath and the whole 5 hour journey there i was in a pure panic and in tears on the phone the whole time. The night before that i cried myself to sleep at the thought, it petrifying me that i would have to go so far and leave so much behind for a period of days. This had occurred since the day i brought my tickets, im not saying i wasn’t excited because i was. It was a weekend to be able to go to the x factor and have time to myself but i just couldn’t stop myself from feeling anxious and sick and constantly bursting out in tears.

Another time i remember is when i went on a college trip, i had stayed at my nans the night before meaning i had already been away from my mum for a night already and i can just remember myself hiding in the spare room crying because i didn’t really want to go but back then i felt like i had something to prove to people as i had left school and didn’t really have anything going for me. I ended up spending every night crying because my anxiety completely took over me and i just threw up constantly, it making it worse by the fact i had to share a room and a toilet with several people so i never did get a minute to myself.

I remember before i got bad and i was able to travel i had traveled to London but spent the whole week leading up to it in bed throwing up and constantly feeling extremely anxious only to get to London and completely break down. Then when my anxiety got worse i would book things but spend the whole time before them panicking, crying in my bedroom and if i thought about it too much i would throw up and be in bed sick for a few days. The pressure on top of the anxiety to go making everything worse, making me become poorly so i never did go, meaning i had spent all that money and felt all that anxiousness for nothing.

I haven’t yet thought of a way to solve it as at this moment in time im not even attempting to travel anywhere or do anything out of my dept as i know just how bad it would turn out. You see ive had many suggestions thrown at me. Dont think about it? Thats impossible when its your main trigger, when you know it will probably end up in a disaster. Go through with it anyway? Oh how i wish i was one of those people that could ignore my anxiety and still travel but im not. I know my anxiety controls me but thats something i need to sort out for myself.

You see many people tell you to go through with something and then your anxiety for that would disappear but i dont think they understand to an extent just how bad it can get. They cater for the anxiety you get at the precise moment you’re going through with it, they dont at all think about the anxiety leading up to it. The tiny feeling that is constantly there throughout your days reminding you about it and niggling away at your thoughts. In my long history of counselling i have never once been given any help with the everyday anxiety, the little attacks you have when leading up to something big, they have only ever focused on a big event and i think thats where they’re going wrong.

Do any of you have a way you help your anxiety leading up to things? Im open for suggestions.

Thank you 

Sky x