Manic Monday?

Im not entirely sure how to start this blog post, i thought i would do a blog post on a typical day for me and obviously that was going to be a Monday as thats my most productive day usually but my god i wasn’t ready for what this week wanted to throw at me and quite frankly means that instead this blog post is not going to be about a typical day for me. In fact its going to be about a Monday filled with chaos and everything else in between.

Monday morning came and granted we already knew before hand it would be hectic what with Olivia-May coming up in a rash that we wasn’t entirely sure of and a vet appointment for my dog at 9:10 it was pretty much a rush from the moment we woke up.

We called the doctors first thing like we were told to do because we weren’t sure if it was chicken pox or a normal rash and if im quite honest with you we just needed some advice, we were on the line for near enough an hour and 10 minutes waiting to speak to someone only to be told they couldn’t see her at the doctors and we had to go see a pharmacist which ok i get that, if it is chicken pox it would be somewhat pointless going to the doctors but we were never sure. Obviously because we were on the phone since half 8 waiting to spring up there at any moment we missed my dogs vet appointment which she needed more then anything so we had to rush to book that too which thankfully they had a free that day.

Anyway we took Olivia out, against our own will because she was very clammy and i honestly just wanted her to stay home, but we were advised to take her to a pharmacist and when we did we were just hit with the ‘that looks like its got an infection’ with no other advice on what to do? So yet another waste of time in my eyes. In the midst of all this we had to get my brother to meet us with my dog as it was near her vet time and we just didn’t have the time to walk all the way back home and get her. Then we ended up being late for the vet appointment YET AGAIN. Thankfully only happened to be a couple of minutes and as the vets was running late the woman said it was perfectly fine.

Then we get on the second situation of the day, my dog. Now we’ve had Bow for coming up to 3 and a half years and for the last two years from May to October shes needed medication because last year we were told by the vet that she is allergic to something in those months, or summer as he put it. I was then told by a different vet that it was actually an allergic reaction and i could pay £500 to get an allergy test that could potentially come up as just pollen and still have to fork out over £150 every fortnight or it could be something else and they would have a vaccine for it. Now hes pretty sure its to do with the pollen and there is nothing but medication for her but part of me is like what if it isn’t?? Do i fork out the £500 and it potentially be wasted or not?? Probably didn’t help her case that she was knee deep in dirt, unsure why? She looked like my brother took her for a walk in loads of fields bless her!

Now when i got back i was pretty happy to go back home and relax, the stressful morning becoming abit too much to handle. Did i get to relax? I wish i did.

That afternoon we had to call 999 because my dad was taken ill. He’s ok and resting at home, thankfully but something just went wrong. He became all hot, he found it hard to breath. Maybe because of his SVT or COPD we dont know but the paramedic we got was quite rude. Another struggle is that now my dad not only has breathing problems but his foot has some unknown issue that yet again we are unsure of (this seems to be a regular occurrence with my parents) One day it just suddenly started hurting and now its blue, swollen and unbearably painful to touch but thats an issue with another hospital appointment.

I would stop my blog post there because that was all the drama for that day, in fact i felt like i was someone calm in handling the whole situation especially as Olivia was awake that time and the last time something happened she was all snug in bed. She loved it however, learning all about the body and even calling me fat in front of the paramedics, thanks baby.

Its Wednesday today. My mums become ill after only just getting somewhat better on the 5th May, my dads ill and im constantly alert, Olivia has Chicken Pox and my dog has to take tablets for some sort of allergy i just feel overwhelmed. I feel like life is throwing everything at me at this point in time and im scared of what it will throw at me net. Im becoming so poorly myself from all the stress but i know i have to carry on because im the only one well enough to do so.

Im scared.

Have a good day 

Sky x

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Being named the nit girl in school?

Yes, im finally addressing THAT name.

For the people that went to school with me this title will be somewhat appealing to them, making them feel as though they were right in some respect to the words they spread around about me. Im pretty sure they want me to sit here and say for the years i was named it they were right, sorry to disappoint. Im not going to deny and say I’ve never had head lice. I have, in year 7 i had quite a bad case of them actually but very quickly they were resolved, white vinegar is a wonderful thing (if you’re wondering). However i guess someone saw one whilst i was trying to treat them and thats when it started.

You see it probably doesn’t help at the fact i have the most sensitive scalp as years of eczema have somewhat scraped away at my head which means no matter whether i had head lice or not i was nearly always scratching and then it got to the point that it became almost like a coping mechanism instead of being for any reason in particular. This didn’t help my case.

For years i felt confined into this name. That everything i did was being watched. I couldn’t scratch my head, i couldn’t sit in a classroom without having to look around constantly to see if anyone was watching me. It felt like i was being suffocated for something i didn’t have and it never stopped. If anything it got worse, when people grew up it became this big disgusting thing to have and i get that its not the best thing to have nor is it something particular boast worthy but it is far from disgusting, its actually pretty common if you look it up.

I remember in year 9 i had been in such a bad head space throughout the summer holidays that i started school months late and i was so scared of being in class and it didn’t help that i knew no one because it was the start of our option year so the classes had been switched. I remember a girl that i used to know, who till this day im not entire sure why but she HATED me with a passion, every time the teacher would announce someone to sit next to me because of a seating plan she would announce to them that i was beyond riddled with head lice which meant a scene would be caused and i ended up walking out the class to the main office to then be escorted back to the class and luckily sat at a table with people that were somewhat friendly to me but that never stopped the looks.

If anything it knocked my confidence for years. Yes i had head lice in the most important year of secondary school and yes im more then aware that the impressions you make in year 7 stick with you for life but to scrutinize someone and make them feel petrified every day for something that had been treated years before is ridiculous. I still to this day scratch my head and i still to this day feel self conscious every time i do it. Its ridiculous im aware but i feel as though because that name followed me throughout my school years it’ll still follow me now.

Im an adult now and im more then open to talk about any situation i faced so this isn’t one that will particularly phase me or throw me back with comments that could be aimed at me in respect to this. Im perfectly fine with it all but if you’re wondering no i no longer have head lice and in fact i haven’t had head lice since year 7. Some people may argue back with what they think they saw but im pretty sure i know my own head of hair.

I just want people to be more aware of how damaging labeling someone a name can be. How giving someone that name constantly can effect them in the future way past when you lose contact with them and how their confidence can be constantly knocked down because of it. I just want people to treat everyone with care and respect.

Have a good day

Sky x

Should children be made to do presentations in class?

As some of you are aware my posts have taken a turn into the education part of things lately. This mainly being because as i am turning 20 im not looking into doing anymore education. I mean i wouldn’t say never because one day i might want to re look into some sort of education if i become interested in taking a particular path but right now i have no need or want to go into anymore education. This made me think about all the things i find somewhat wrong with the education system. Now i am in no way saying it is the same for every single person and every single school because obviously i have no idea whether that could be the case as i am only one person experiencing it at one school.

However i realised that when you hit, mainly year 9 sometimes before, you are made to partake in a Speaking and Listening controlled assessment. If you’re not sure what this is, its basically where you are given a topic to go and revise to then give a presentation about in front of your class. You are then graded on how you give your presentation before being graded on how well you are listening to other peoples presentations. The listening part is as easy as it sounds. You turn up to class, sit there and look in any direction and the teacher doesn’t really bat an eyelid towards it.

The speaking part is a whole different story. With my very first speaking and listening presentation i was in year 9. I had told the teacher about my situation and how i felt extremely uncomfortable and somewhat sick to present to the front of the class and i even offered to come in my spare time to the staff room and present it to the teachers. It was easier for me that way, i was able to cope. Instead of guiding me along and helping me find a situation that suited not only my comfort but also gave the teacher what she wanted, i was made and forced into a situation that i could only describe as hell. I was told if i didn’t complete the speaking and listening presentation in front of everyone then she was going to fail me on not only the speaking part but the listening part aswell. Not only that but she made me believe this was a big chunk towards my final grade. As a year 9 student this is something you dont want to mess up. It being the year you were out to impress and hopefully set up for your future GCSE classes.

I wish i could say i was one of those people who found it nervous but eventually got over it and faced my fear but i wasn’t. What the teacher failed to see that day was that granted you get nervous when doing a presentation, nerves is a normal thing but when you’re panicking, having days off because of the fear, losing sleep and crying your eyes out thats when the teacher needs to reevaluate the situation to suit both of your needs.

I do think if you’re in a school then you should have to do everything everyone else does, maybe at different levels and different ways but you are still able to do everything. So i do think we should do speaking and listening presentations, i just think we should do them in a different way.

I can present in front of my friends fine. I can present in front of teachers fine. I cant present in front of an entire class that mostly hate me with the thought on my mind that if i do something out of line it will stick with me forever. I cant present and have 30 sets of eyes of people i feel uncomfortable around in an everyday situation staring back at me just waiting for me to mess up and quite frankly when you have popular people in your class its never really ever comfortable even walking into the room.

I feel as though people with mental health are expected to show it constantly and constantly have to prove to people that they really do have it and it sickens me. It sickens me that in year 9 i was never taken seriously and made to do something that made me make myself physically sick and it sickens me that it probably is still going on today. I personally dont understand what makes it different between presenting in front of your class and presenting in front of a couple of friends. They are judging you on your presenting, the way you handle yourself and how you get the information across and that should be the main thing.

If they feel comfortable doing presentations or they’re just a little nervous then im all for giving them a little nudge but if you constantly give someone a nudge and are aware of how uncomfortable it makes them then stop. I don’t understand why anyone who is aware of how physically draining it is for a person is able to just keep pushing them until it effects their health in such a way they’re unable to even think of going into school

Education is important, yes but your health mentally and physically is a hell of alot more important then your education. Dont let someone tell you it isn’t.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, Secondary School.

Going into Secondary school was never going to be easy, it taking me 6 years already to settle into a school with people i knew the whole time not really making me feel confident about how i was going to settle into a completely new school with a new schedule, new children and a whole new layout. As some of you may be aware before you go into secondary school you have two induction days. I only went to one and the one day i did attend i cried the entire day, i HATED it. I felt trapped and the fact that the rest of the years looked down on us and thought they could get away with treating us however they wanted didn’t help but add to my already off the scale anxiety. This meant that on the second induction day i went straight back to that girl i had left behind only half a year ago. Sobbing my heart out every morning and putting my parents through absolute hell due to the fear i had.

Year 7 – 2008

Year 7 was a year of complete change for me. I had gone from having that safety network of being walked right to the classroom door to only being walked up to my nans and then walking with my sister and brother into school. I had gone to having these different classes with different teachers that didn’t understand the past situations or how to handle it correctly and worse of all, i had gone from everyone being equal in the classroom to it all being about being at the top of the popularity table. It was like a war zone to me.

However apart from the obvious changes, looking back at my report i seemed to do perfectly fine work wise. My grades being very high and only having 1 C for the end of year, the rest being A’s and B’s. Which taking into consideration everything that was going on in that time of my life i can only be shocked about.

Getting further into the year however, in geography especially, my mood seemed to start changing towards how i would act when things would happen.

“It is also a concern to me that when Sky is corrected for something such as turning around or talking, she tends to react negatively and become upset rather than taking the correction on board”

I remember that subject very well and although i dont particularly remember the teacher very well i do remember one incident where i had gotten so upset i walked out of the class and locked myself in the toilet. I had been humiliated in front of the entire class by the teacher and to me that was my worst nightmare come true. After that i bunked off Geography as much as i could.

I suppose a plus for me in some ways is that by the time i was in year 7 my sister and brother were both known by pretty much every teacher as they were a couple of years in front of me and compared to them i was an angel so i managed to get away with alot more then i should have, thankfully.

Maths: “Sky is an enthusiastic student who takes pride in her work. Sky works best when in a small group but will still need to participate in the whole class discussions. She is a little quiet in class and i am concerned that she does not always ask if she does not fully understand the task that has been set”

English: “Sky is most often focused and ready to participate. She can be a hard working and conscientious student”

Science: “Sky is making good progress in Science. She asks and answers questions and is always willing to share her thoughts and ideas with the class”

 

Year 8 – 2009

I feel as though year 8 was the year i settled back again into someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the school atmosphere but knew i just had to get on with it. Granted i still had alot more time off school but i didn’t feel as petrified to go in. I mean there was the odd rumours going round but at the end of the day i wasn’t going to let something silly effect me so deeply.

I dont really have any memories of year 8 other then knowing it was a big year as it was the last year i would have to go along with the standard lessons for school as at the end of the year i would be able to choose what i felt confident in doing.

Even though my grades stayed quiet steady reading through my report its clear that my confidence was taking a tumble. This was the year i would become unable to do presentations or present anything to a group of people.

English: “Sky can explain her opinions clearly, although she needs to ensure she displays herself confidently in presentations”

Maths: “I would like Sky to be more vocal in the classroom both with asking questions and sharing ideas as i worry this may hinder her progress in later years”

Science: “Sky is a confident and charismatic member of the group who is only too willing to share her ideas and opinions”

Year 9 – 2010

Where to start with this year. Everything changed. My lessons, the people in those lessons and the importance of what i was doing. It quite frankly petrified me. This is where bullying really was an issue. An issue to the point at the start of year 9 i didn’t attend school for at least 2 months. I felt horrible. Like those little rumours going around in school had sudden become even worse and i was trapped and unable to make any friends because they all saw me in the same way merely because the people who had spread the rumours were among the popular lot and to be honest in school everyone’s basically chained to their arse.

This meant that before i had even started getting into learning the options i had chosen i was behind. My grades had slipped and i was somewhat struggling to keep up. This is also the year i had gone back to making a fuss about going to school. Every morning i would say i was poorly to push my luck and see if i was able to have the day off of school. Sadly this is also the year my dad had to quit work because of health issues meaning i wasn’t able to get away with just as much time off as i used too.

My English grades had slipped from an A to a C. My maths from an A to a D and BTEC science i was failing. It was basically a year where my mental health became more prominent in my life but at the time it didn’t occur to anyone that was happening. I didn’t even know that these issues existed, we were never taught about mental health or the effects it could have on a person let alone what to look out for when diagnosing.

When i did finally go back into school i came to the realization that a few of my new option classes were fine. Hospitality and catering only having 7 people in it and all of them being somewhat friendly so i managed to cope. My option ICT being the same, everyone got along. They were quite possibly the only subjects in school that i was able to just sit and relax too. Then halfway through the year everything got bad again and with doing presentations being a compulsory thing in school subjects i had a complete meltdown and felt myself reaching bottom again and not being able to go into school, skipping days and even lessons whenever i could. Add all that with the fact i didn’t particular get along with my English teacher as it was, it was like hell for me.

English, Lesson attendance 74.5% :“Sky needs to spend more time on her class and her home work, as it can sometimes be unfinished or not completed to the highest of standard. Her controlled assessment is up to date except for her performance piece which needs to be completed as soon as possible. Sky achieved a band 2 on her recent controlled assessment and should be aiming for a band 4/5”

Maths, Lesson attendance 76.5%: “Sky is currently working at a grade B and is a focused member of the group who wants to achieve a high grade. Skys class work is good quality and she finds it easy to understand new topics”

Science, Lesson attendance 74.3%: “Sky is a hard working and conscientious student who always produces a good standard of work. Sky should be proud of her achievements this year”

Year 10 – 2011

What can i say about this year other then it was the start of my complete downhill spiral. I sadly dont have a report for this year as i was just not at school that much to be able to receive one. Quite frankly during this year if i was at school it was a miracle. I was behind on all my work and setting myself up for a fail.

I had changed classes yet again which caused me an unnecessary amount of stress. I had been kept in BTEC science when i had really wanted to be put into a GCSE class for that year so i spent the first couple of lessons sorting my move out to another class, who i was lucky enough to have an amazing teacher for.

I had English with a different teacher which i was happy about but my old teacher had spoke about me so much in the staff room that i felt somewhat scared of any English teacher as i had been given so many funny looks from them all, even given snide marks by my old English teacher whilst they were around. Turns out the day she realised i wasn’t in her class anymore she made a funny remark about it in front of the entire class. Another confidence knock.

This year was filled with loads of knock downs if im honest with you. I remember an incident in business where the shape of my hair bun became topic of conversation which led me to cut my hair to a reasonable length so i could have it in a ponytail, i remember just walking to class no problem and a girl making a remark about not putting some foam on me because i would cry like a baby and the worst one of all, i remember going into maths late one day as i had a form meeting with my tutor which at one point everyone had to have and i had been told to pick a group to join. Being a normal person i picked a group with one of my friends in only to be met with the loud and very rude remark of “I dont want her joining our group” The entire class laughed. I have never in my entire life felt as humiliated and hurt as i did that moment. Not one person stuck up for me or said something back for the remark and that is something that i will always remember from School.

Year 11 – 2012

I say year, it was more like a few weeks. A few weeks that fully petrified me into never wanting my future kids to go into a school, to never want them to experience education in the way i did. The year hadn’t started off very well as it was, although i had all the same classes, luckily. There had been an incident which meant there was a lot of fuss. Im sure ive mentioned this before but im not going into it, we are grown ups now and thats a thing of the past, a thing i do not hold any grudges or anything for and a situation that just needs to be forgotten now.

I had been pulled out of classes by teachers non stop, not only for this situation but for other reasons such as my attendance already failing and my work going dramatically downhill. The issue i had a problem with is they were moaning about my work going downhill but it was them that were taking me out of class for god knows how long to have a long rant at me about what was expected of me. This meaning i was losing vital time on my lessons for my GCSEs.

Now due to everything i didn’t quite see the point in going into school. My mental health had gotten to a very severe point at this stage and it was in fact my dad who said to me if i wanted to leave school that was up to me and he would be 100% behind me. Now i must admit leaving school at the start of the most important year there is was not something i thought i would ever be doing. I wanted to do my GCSEs, go to six form and hopefully get into university but here i was stuck in a situation where i was going to lessons crying my eyes out over the stress and the anxiety of everything. One situation getting so bad that i had been crying my eyes out in the toilet for 20 minutes before going back into lesson to only go straight in and ending up sobbing my eyes out for the rest of the lesson. Luckily my science teacher was a very understanding man.

That was the day i had enough and i called my mum and said to her to come and get me, that was the day i had cemented in my mind that i was leaving school and not coming back. That was also the day a teacher had called my mum an unfit mother but again thats not something i am going to get into.

So thats pretty much my entire school life written out for you all in stages to help you understand properly just when everything started to go wrong. I left school with no GCSEs and the worst mental health but here i am today. Different achievements thanks to college and a mental health that is slowly improving. I may have felt like i ruined many years of my life with a situation that made me feel beyond fixable but i was lucky enough to gain some amazing people in my life thanks to it.

Have a good day

Sky x

My dads birthday surprise….

Hello everyone,

Todays post is going to be a little different then usual, completely off topic in fact. However it is something that i have been holding in as a secret for MONTHS and i can finally share with you as the day i put this blog post up the secret will be out!!

I am 19 now, 20 in less then 2 weeks and for as long as i can remember my step-dad has been the main man in my life. Stepping up to take on 3 kids and to treat us like his own is only something you could wish would happen to such an unfortunate family like us. I have always been grateful but i feel as i was younger i didn’t quite realise how grateful i should of been and i completely took him for granted, quite honestly i treated him like crap and if im being completely honest with you guys i did right up until i was 16 years old.

You see i never really questioned my real dad as to me my step-dad was as real as it could get, he was the man who stood up to do something my biological father failed too and that was enough for me. On my 16th birthday my biological father got in touch, im not going into detail but the whole time he was in the picture i felt strange and i couldn’t really put my finger on it, i felt strange and very guilty.I must state here that my step-dad has made it very clear from the beginning that if we ever did want to contact our biological dad he would be 100% behind us no matter what but i couldn’t help but feel a massive load of guilt. Here i was talking to a complete stranger, someone i had wrote a letter to years before only to throw it away when reality hit me in the face. However it was nothing like i expected it would be, it felt like i was just talking to a stranger and i had completely no connection and interests in wanting to know him, i later came to realise he hadn’t changed much and still wasn’t a very nice man. It made me appreciate my step-dad more.

I mean i never did speak to my real dad myself, not really feeling like i wanted too, always talking through someone else, to me he wasn’t my dad. This is when i realised this man i had treated like crap for years who had voluntarily looked after me ever since i was just a tiny toddler was my dad. Granted he wasn’t my dad biologically but he had such a place in my heart that he might aswell be.

He was the one that got me out of my fear of water, helped me with my homework, the person i would spend hours and hours decoration or building things with, the man who would shout at me and i would shout back. My god me and him didn’t half get into some arguments and yes at times and still now theres times i want to completely let rip at him and i probably always will, thats what me and him are like.

I had never really thought about him adopting me as growing up that wasnt something i was aware of, not because of it not being spoken about but it just simply didnt cross my mind as something we could do. Looking back on it now im gutted i didnt think of it sooner but sometimes life doesnt work out in the best way.

However i remember a conversation we had probably over a year ago now and im sure it had no context or thought behind it but i remember him saying about how special it would be if one of us did take his name, im sure we were watching a program on it to be honest. Again i never thought about it at the time but lately i’ve been wanting to give him something special, as some of you may be aware hes not very well, and i say that very lightly.

So long story, still kept very long by yours truly, I am now officially and legally Sky Wilson.

As much as i enjoyed being a Ryan for all of my life so far i feel as though this is as special and as big of a thank you that i can give my dad. He doesn’t ask for thank yous in fact hes never really asked for anything but for me personally i feel as though a thank you is in order.

This is also his birthday present so fingers crossed he likes it!!

Have a good day

Sky x

Anxiety around Children…

Before i get in depth about this blog post i would like to just note here that i am in no way a parent, not legally or biologically. I am an auntie, i mean im sure if you speak to some of my family members they may disagree on that matter but thats a whole load of drama for another time, this blog post is simply the things i experience with my anxiety whilst my nieces are in my care.

For as long as i can remember i have been a very big part of my eldest nieces life. Her coming to stay at our house from a very young age meant mine are her bond grew to be something quite special. As she was growing up obviously you have the initial panicking everyone has when theres a baby around. Constantly checking if shes breathing when she seemed to sleep even a couple minutes longer, the fear of her putting something dangerous in her mouth or simply just the standard fear of her bumping her head when she finally got into the stages of exploring and my god Olivia has done it all.

When Olivia-May was first born i was so anxious to hold her or even pick her up as i never really knew how you was correctly meant to hold a baby and right until i knew she was able to hold her own head up i tried to avoid it, unless that is however someone passed her to me  and i was sitting down. I like to think I’ve become less anxious when holding babies as when my second niece Ellie came along i picked her up and carried her around no problem and she was ALOT smaller then Olivia.

Another thing that caused me to nearly call an ambulance quite often is the eye rolling, and again bare in mind i had no experience with or around children prior to my nieces. Its something that im still not able to handle. I have been told that babies when they’re first born dont have particularly good control of their eyes so some may roll alot where others may be pretty relaxed so i do understand the concept of it but for me personally i panic every time.

Even noises or funny movements. For example my eldest niece Olivia-May who will be 4 in August has this new thing where if shes excited, annoyed or just angry shes shake her body in a fit like manner and it PETRIFIES me. Im unsure where she suddenly picked it up from but as an adult its something i wish she never. I mean granted im happy in the sense there is nothing wrong when she does do it but my mind goes crazy and every time im petrified that its not her doing it and there is something wrong but at that age they eventually grow out of things and this is one of those things im hoping she grows out of soon.

With my eldest niece Olivia we didn’t really have that big a problem with her putting small objects in her mouth as she was quite attached to her dummy so she never really put anything that was dangerous in her mouth, that i can recall anyway but my youngest niece doesn’t have a dummy, never has and doesn’t really give them the time of day which means at any given advantage she will put ANYTHING in her mouth. Like you know when you’re sitting playing bricks after dinner and she picks something up and puts it in her mouth, i have that panic every time until its either out her mouth or we realise its nothing but abit of dinner shes dropped. Trust me that kid can eat.

Reading through these i like to think they’re quite normal things to be anxious about around children and they are. I mean i do have the odd moment when i become anxious thinking about what situation might be unfolding but thats not talk for such a public writing platform.

So all in all i dont think i get anymore anxious then a normal person around children, if im honest i feel like im alot more relaxed in the sense they dont take anything seriously, you can never do wrong in a kids eye and you never have any expectations from them to do anything, i mean i do spoil them both quite alot but i dont feel like i have to constantly be on edge around them in the way i would be in an adult situation. If anything they help my anxiety which is probably a good thing with the amount of time i spend looking after them. In all honesty it could become completely different the day i become a mother to my own kids and i could look back on this blog post wishing it was all this easy but that isn’t for at least another couple of years so for now i think i can rest a little.

Have a good day

Sky x

Does my anxiety effect my eating?

I frequently get asked the question on whether my anxiety effects my eating in anyway and if im honest with you all I’ve never really thought about how and what i eat in depth as its almost become a routine for me. So I thought for this blog post i would describe what my eating is like on my bad and good anxiety days and whether i feel anxious about certain types of food and how i go about them.

If im honest with you i dont eat very many full meals. I remember being able to go to school and pig out constantly then coming home just to eat even more. Since i left school and my anxiety got bad i dont go near new foods, if i wasn’t used to it before then i wont try it. Its almost like a fear inside me that stops me from eating anything out of my comfort zone whether that be sweets or just a simple sauce to put on top of my chips. Even if im used to the food if it looks gross i wont eat it for the fear theres something wrong with it.

For the past couple of months all i have eaten for dinner is microwave pizzas, you know those Chicago town ones that you put in the microwave for 3 and a half minutes. I will rarely go out of that and when i do it will simply be a roast or a small takeaway I’ve been getting since i can remember even then i wont eat it all. I dont have breakfast, ever. Im just not hungry when i first wake up, if anything i feel sick with anxiety with what the day could bring and when i do finally get hungry its at least 2 in the afternoon and then theres no point in having anything to eat until my pizzas.

I remember a couple of weeks back i had a terrible week, my anxiety was sky high and all i ate was 2 microwave pizzas and a banana for 4 days, i mean granted i downed at least 3 litres of coke but other then that i felt too sick and scared to eat. Often however i will snack throughout the day on a bag of sweets. Even then they have to be very specific sweets, i wont touch those sweets that leave a weird smell on your hand in fear of what they have in them.

I do go out to eat. Mcdonalds and sometimes jennys. I wont go anywhere else, i like feeling comfortable and those places make me feel like that and im not sure if thats because i have the same thing every time i go there so im used to it now or what. I mean granted it completely over looks my fear of whats in foods but for some reason i feel ok with these places, probably the stupidest thing ever said but it makes sense to me.

I eat very little, i am aware of that but its how i am. I do however drink alot. I have at least 4 hot drinks in the day and i constantly have cans or bottles of coke laying near me that i drink throughout the day so i suppose in some way you can say im replacing my food with litres of coke.  I have been told constantly by my counselors that the caffeine in coke is what makes my anxiety worse then it probably would be and i did make myself not drink it for weeks but i became so weak that i went straight back to drinking it.

Apart from all that ive mentioned before this i feel as though im pretty normal with food. Granted on my really anxious days i dont eat but then would you if you constantly felt on edge and like you was going to throw up if you hadn’t already?

Now i am in no way saying that 100% my bad eating is linked to my anxiety in anyway i am simply putting out there what my eating is like on good and bad days and answering a question i was asked. However I do feel as though on my bad days my anxiety effects my eating but i also think its different for every person. It could not effect some peoples eating habits or it could effect them massively, its all down to the individual.

Have a good day

Sky x