Anxiety around a sickness bug?

My first post after my birthday i had originally planned to be about being 20 and how i have grown but something has come to my attention these past couple of days that i haven’t experienced before and as my entire blog is dedicated to the situations i have to face with my mental health i felt like it was only right to make a blog post talking about it.

Now if you have a young child you may have heard about the sickness bug going round, my youngest niece caught it and we didn’t think much of it what with her being the one who seems to get ill quite alot we just gave he loads of kisses and sent her to cuddle with mummy however with my eldest niece its a different story. Olivia’s hardly ever sick, i mean granted she seems to constantly have a runny nose but in the terms of an illness she doesn’t really have a problem, shes a healthy and bright little girl.

This situation started on Monday, the day after my birthday, Olivia stayed the night which is a usual occurrence as people who know me personally will realise i have Olivia quite alot. That entire day she was her happy self, running around playing with her toys and being the general cheeky madam she is and she went to bed as normal. At quarter to 12 that night i was called by my mum with Olivia crying out for me, she had thrown up and suddenly become very hot. This was strange for us as we had known about the stomach bug but as Olivia was so well during the day it was sort of out of the blue. I wont go into detail about that night because if im honest with you it was horrible and the most petrifying night of my life and probably the scariest night for poor Olivia bless her soul who didn’t like being poorly one bit.

The one thing i did notice about that night however is how anxious i got, now in the general sickness area im pretty alright, i dont have a fear of being sick or a fear involving the look or smell. Having had loads of encounters with sick in my life what with my mums illness and her being sick almost every other week since i was younger it was sort of like a ‘oh sick’ situation. This time was different, i was trying to stay strong but i was sweating, my hands were uncontrollably shaking and i just couldn’t stop talking, whether that was out of nervousness or what i dont know but i was thinking every little scenario in my head and muttering out. That night i didn’t sleep, i sat and pretty much stared at Olivia the entire night, freaking out at the littlest sound she made or jumping up when she moved to get comfy and i didn’t understand it. I had never been this way before and granted it was a scary situation but i thought i would get over it like any other.

But here i am sitting and writing this exactly 24 hours after she threw up and im still as anxious and petrified as i was when it happened. I haven’t stopped shaking nor have i stopped the horrible thoughts and events of that going through my head and granted to some of you i could be going completely over the top but what you have to remember is i have never experienced this before so it was beyond petrifying.

Today she has eaten a few yogurts and some bread and to be honest with you i doubt i will sleep tonight. Im beyond petrified even when shes happy and seems a hell of alot better, her temperatures down and she seems back to her normal self but what with her being that way yesterday during the day i cant help but think it may happen again tonight, fingers crossed it doesn’t please.

Im not sure how to handle this as it is quite possibly the longest anxiety attack i have ever had and absolutely nothing is calming me down. I’ve tried all the usual and absolutely no luck. Im just very confused about the whole situation and the way my body has acted towards it. If im honest with you im exhausted, not from staying up all night but from the anxiety that has taken over my body. This is probably the first event where i dont have an answer for it, im as confused as anyone else. I have never ever experienced such anxiety so strong and bad and for so long before and i hope i dont ever again. Im hoping eventually it will fizz out like normal but that could be days from now, i’ll keep you posted and let you know eventually when i feel back to my usual self, if thats possible.

Have a good day

Sky x

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Should children be made to do presentations in class?

As some of you are aware my posts have taken a turn into the education part of things lately. This mainly being because as i am turning 20 im not looking into doing anymore education. I mean i wouldn’t say never because one day i might want to re look into some sort of education if i become interested in taking a particular path but right now i have no need or want to go into anymore education. This made me think about all the things i find somewhat wrong with the education system. Now i am in no way saying it is the same for every single person and every single school because obviously i have no idea whether that could be the case as i am only one person experiencing it at one school.

However i realised that when you hit, mainly year 9 sometimes before, you are made to partake in a Speaking and Listening controlled assessment. If you’re not sure what this is, its basically where you are given a topic to go and revise to then give a presentation about in front of your class. You are then graded on how you give your presentation before being graded on how well you are listening to other peoples presentations. The listening part is as easy as it sounds. You turn up to class, sit there and look in any direction and the teacher doesn’t really bat an eyelid towards it.

The speaking part is a whole different story. With my very first speaking and listening presentation i was in year 9. I had told the teacher about my situation and how i felt extremely uncomfortable and somewhat sick to present to the front of the class and i even offered to come in my spare time to the staff room and present it to the teachers. It was easier for me that way, i was able to cope. Instead of guiding me along and helping me find a situation that suited not only my comfort but also gave the teacher what she wanted, i was made and forced into a situation that i could only describe as hell. I was told if i didn’t complete the speaking and listening presentation in front of everyone then she was going to fail me on not only the speaking part but the listening part aswell. Not only that but she made me believe this was a big chunk towards my final grade. As a year 9 student this is something you dont want to mess up. It being the year you were out to impress and hopefully set up for your future GCSE classes.

I wish i could say i was one of those people who found it nervous but eventually got over it and faced my fear but i wasn’t. What the teacher failed to see that day was that granted you get nervous when doing a presentation, nerves is a normal thing but when you’re panicking, having days off because of the fear, losing sleep and crying your eyes out thats when the teacher needs to reevaluate the situation to suit both of your needs.

I do think if you’re in a school then you should have to do everything everyone else does, maybe at different levels and different ways but you are still able to do everything. So i do think we should do speaking and listening presentations, i just think we should do them in a different way.

I can present in front of my friends fine. I can present in front of teachers fine. I cant present in front of an entire class that mostly hate me with the thought on my mind that if i do something out of line it will stick with me forever. I cant present and have 30 sets of eyes of people i feel uncomfortable around in an everyday situation staring back at me just waiting for me to mess up and quite frankly when you have popular people in your class its never really ever comfortable even walking into the room.

I feel as though people with mental health are expected to show it constantly and constantly have to prove to people that they really do have it and it sickens me. It sickens me that in year 9 i was never taken seriously and made to do something that made me make myself physically sick and it sickens me that it probably is still going on today. I personally dont understand what makes it different between presenting in front of your class and presenting in front of a couple of friends. They are judging you on your presenting, the way you handle yourself and how you get the information across and that should be the main thing.

If they feel comfortable doing presentations or they’re just a little nervous then im all for giving them a little nudge but if you constantly give someone a nudge and are aware of how uncomfortable it makes them then stop. I don’t understand why anyone who is aware of how physically draining it is for a person is able to just keep pushing them until it effects their health in such a way they’re unable to even think of going into school

Education is important, yes but your health mentally and physically is a hell of alot more important then your education. Dont let someone tell you it isn’t.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, Secondary School.

Going into Secondary school was never going to be easy, it taking me 6 years already to settle into a school with people i knew the whole time not really making me feel confident about how i was going to settle into a completely new school with a new schedule, new children and a whole new layout. As some of you may be aware before you go into secondary school you have two induction days. I only went to one and the one day i did attend i cried the entire day, i HATED it. I felt trapped and the fact that the rest of the years looked down on us and thought they could get away with treating us however they wanted didn’t help but add to my already off the scale anxiety. This meant that on the second induction day i went straight back to that girl i had left behind only half a year ago. Sobbing my heart out every morning and putting my parents through absolute hell due to the fear i had.

Year 7 – 2008

Year 7 was a year of complete change for me. I had gone from having that safety network of being walked right to the classroom door to only being walked up to my nans and then walking with my sister and brother into school. I had gone to having these different classes with different teachers that didn’t understand the past situations or how to handle it correctly and worse of all, i had gone from everyone being equal in the classroom to it all being about being at the top of the popularity table. It was like a war zone to me.

However apart from the obvious changes, looking back at my report i seemed to do perfectly fine work wise. My grades being very high and only having 1 C for the end of year, the rest being A’s and B’s. Which taking into consideration everything that was going on in that time of my life i can only be shocked about.

Getting further into the year however, in geography especially, my mood seemed to start changing towards how i would act when things would happen.

“It is also a concern to me that when Sky is corrected for something such as turning around or talking, she tends to react negatively and become upset rather than taking the correction on board”

I remember that subject very well and although i dont particularly remember the teacher very well i do remember one incident where i had gotten so upset i walked out of the class and locked myself in the toilet. I had been humiliated in front of the entire class by the teacher and to me that was my worst nightmare come true. After that i bunked off Geography as much as i could.

I suppose a plus for me in some ways is that by the time i was in year 7 my sister and brother were both known by pretty much every teacher as they were a couple of years in front of me and compared to them i was an angel so i managed to get away with alot more then i should have, thankfully.

Maths: “Sky is an enthusiastic student who takes pride in her work. Sky works best when in a small group but will still need to participate in the whole class discussions. She is a little quiet in class and i am concerned that she does not always ask if she does not fully understand the task that has been set”

English: “Sky is most often focused and ready to participate. She can be a hard working and conscientious student”

Science: “Sky is making good progress in Science. She asks and answers questions and is always willing to share her thoughts and ideas with the class”

 

Year 8 – 2009

I feel as though year 8 was the year i settled back again into someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the school atmosphere but knew i just had to get on with it. Granted i still had alot more time off school but i didn’t feel as petrified to go in. I mean there was the odd rumours going round but at the end of the day i wasn’t going to let something silly effect me so deeply.

I dont really have any memories of year 8 other then knowing it was a big year as it was the last year i would have to go along with the standard lessons for school as at the end of the year i would be able to choose what i felt confident in doing.

Even though my grades stayed quiet steady reading through my report its clear that my confidence was taking a tumble. This was the year i would become unable to do presentations or present anything to a group of people.

English: “Sky can explain her opinions clearly, although she needs to ensure she displays herself confidently in presentations”

Maths: “I would like Sky to be more vocal in the classroom both with asking questions and sharing ideas as i worry this may hinder her progress in later years”

Science: “Sky is a confident and charismatic member of the group who is only too willing to share her ideas and opinions”

Year 9 – 2010

Where to start with this year. Everything changed. My lessons, the people in those lessons and the importance of what i was doing. It quite frankly petrified me. This is where bullying really was an issue. An issue to the point at the start of year 9 i didn’t attend school for at least 2 months. I felt horrible. Like those little rumours going around in school had sudden become even worse and i was trapped and unable to make any friends because they all saw me in the same way merely because the people who had spread the rumours were among the popular lot and to be honest in school everyone’s basically chained to their arse.

This meant that before i had even started getting into learning the options i had chosen i was behind. My grades had slipped and i was somewhat struggling to keep up. This is also the year i had gone back to making a fuss about going to school. Every morning i would say i was poorly to push my luck and see if i was able to have the day off of school. Sadly this is also the year my dad had to quit work because of health issues meaning i wasn’t able to get away with just as much time off as i used too.

My English grades had slipped from an A to a C. My maths from an A to a D and BTEC science i was failing. It was basically a year where my mental health became more prominent in my life but at the time it didn’t occur to anyone that was happening. I didn’t even know that these issues existed, we were never taught about mental health or the effects it could have on a person let alone what to look out for when diagnosing.

When i did finally go back into school i came to the realization that a few of my new option classes were fine. Hospitality and catering only having 7 people in it and all of them being somewhat friendly so i managed to cope. My option ICT being the same, everyone got along. They were quite possibly the only subjects in school that i was able to just sit and relax too. Then halfway through the year everything got bad again and with doing presentations being a compulsory thing in school subjects i had a complete meltdown and felt myself reaching bottom again and not being able to go into school, skipping days and even lessons whenever i could. Add all that with the fact i didn’t particular get along with my English teacher as it was, it was like hell for me.

English, Lesson attendance 74.5% :“Sky needs to spend more time on her class and her home work, as it can sometimes be unfinished or not completed to the highest of standard. Her controlled assessment is up to date except for her performance piece which needs to be completed as soon as possible. Sky achieved a band 2 on her recent controlled assessment and should be aiming for a band 4/5”

Maths, Lesson attendance 76.5%: “Sky is currently working at a grade B and is a focused member of the group who wants to achieve a high grade. Skys class work is good quality and she finds it easy to understand new topics”

Science, Lesson attendance 74.3%: “Sky is a hard working and conscientious student who always produces a good standard of work. Sky should be proud of her achievements this year”

Year 10 – 2011

What can i say about this year other then it was the start of my complete downhill spiral. I sadly dont have a report for this year as i was just not at school that much to be able to receive one. Quite frankly during this year if i was at school it was a miracle. I was behind on all my work and setting myself up for a fail.

I had changed classes yet again which caused me an unnecessary amount of stress. I had been kept in BTEC science when i had really wanted to be put into a GCSE class for that year so i spent the first couple of lessons sorting my move out to another class, who i was lucky enough to have an amazing teacher for.

I had English with a different teacher which i was happy about but my old teacher had spoke about me so much in the staff room that i felt somewhat scared of any English teacher as i had been given so many funny looks from them all, even given snide marks by my old English teacher whilst they were around. Turns out the day she realised i wasn’t in her class anymore she made a funny remark about it in front of the entire class. Another confidence knock.

This year was filled with loads of knock downs if im honest with you. I remember an incident in business where the shape of my hair bun became topic of conversation which led me to cut my hair to a reasonable length so i could have it in a ponytail, i remember just walking to class no problem and a girl making a remark about not putting some foam on me because i would cry like a baby and the worst one of all, i remember going into maths late one day as i had a form meeting with my tutor which at one point everyone had to have and i had been told to pick a group to join. Being a normal person i picked a group with one of my friends in only to be met with the loud and very rude remark of “I dont want her joining our group” The entire class laughed. I have never in my entire life felt as humiliated and hurt as i did that moment. Not one person stuck up for me or said something back for the remark and that is something that i will always remember from School.

Year 11 – 2012

I say year, it was more like a few weeks. A few weeks that fully petrified me into never wanting my future kids to go into a school, to never want them to experience education in the way i did. The year hadn’t started off very well as it was, although i had all the same classes, luckily. There had been an incident which meant there was a lot of fuss. Im sure ive mentioned this before but im not going into it, we are grown ups now and thats a thing of the past, a thing i do not hold any grudges or anything for and a situation that just needs to be forgotten now.

I had been pulled out of classes by teachers non stop, not only for this situation but for other reasons such as my attendance already failing and my work going dramatically downhill. The issue i had a problem with is they were moaning about my work going downhill but it was them that were taking me out of class for god knows how long to have a long rant at me about what was expected of me. This meaning i was losing vital time on my lessons for my GCSEs.

Now due to everything i didn’t quite see the point in going into school. My mental health had gotten to a very severe point at this stage and it was in fact my dad who said to me if i wanted to leave school that was up to me and he would be 100% behind me. Now i must admit leaving school at the start of the most important year there is was not something i thought i would ever be doing. I wanted to do my GCSEs, go to six form and hopefully get into university but here i was stuck in a situation where i was going to lessons crying my eyes out over the stress and the anxiety of everything. One situation getting so bad that i had been crying my eyes out in the toilet for 20 minutes before going back into lesson to only go straight in and ending up sobbing my eyes out for the rest of the lesson. Luckily my science teacher was a very understanding man.

That was the day i had enough and i called my mum and said to her to come and get me, that was the day i had cemented in my mind that i was leaving school and not coming back. That was also the day a teacher had called my mum an unfit mother but again thats not something i am going to get into.

So thats pretty much my entire school life written out for you all in stages to help you understand properly just when everything started to go wrong. I left school with no GCSEs and the worst mental health but here i am today. Different achievements thanks to college and a mental health that is slowly improving. I may have felt like i ruined many years of my life with a situation that made me feel beyond fixable but i was lucky enough to gain some amazing people in my life thanks to it.

Have a good day

Sky x

Anxiety around Children…

Before i get in depth about this blog post i would like to just note here that i am in no way a parent, not legally or biologically. I am an auntie, i mean im sure if you speak to some of my family members they may disagree on that matter but thats a whole load of drama for another time, this blog post is simply the things i experience with my anxiety whilst my nieces are in my care.

For as long as i can remember i have been a very big part of my eldest nieces life. Her coming to stay at our house from a very young age meant mine are her bond grew to be something quite special. As she was growing up obviously you have the initial panicking everyone has when theres a baby around. Constantly checking if shes breathing when she seemed to sleep even a couple minutes longer, the fear of her putting something dangerous in her mouth or simply just the standard fear of her bumping her head when she finally got into the stages of exploring and my god Olivia has done it all.

When Olivia-May was first born i was so anxious to hold her or even pick her up as i never really knew how you was correctly meant to hold a baby and right until i knew she was able to hold her own head up i tried to avoid it, unless that is however someone passed her to me  and i was sitting down. I like to think I’ve become less anxious when holding babies as when my second niece Ellie came along i picked her up and carried her around no problem and she was ALOT smaller then Olivia.

Another thing that caused me to nearly call an ambulance quite often is the eye rolling, and again bare in mind i had no experience with or around children prior to my nieces. Its something that im still not able to handle. I have been told that babies when they’re first born dont have particularly good control of their eyes so some may roll alot where others may be pretty relaxed so i do understand the concept of it but for me personally i panic every time.

Even noises or funny movements. For example my eldest niece Olivia-May who will be 4 in August has this new thing where if shes excited, annoyed or just angry shes shake her body in a fit like manner and it PETRIFIES me. Im unsure where she suddenly picked it up from but as an adult its something i wish she never. I mean granted im happy in the sense there is nothing wrong when she does do it but my mind goes crazy and every time im petrified that its not her doing it and there is something wrong but at that age they eventually grow out of things and this is one of those things im hoping she grows out of soon.

With my eldest niece Olivia we didn’t really have that big a problem with her putting small objects in her mouth as she was quite attached to her dummy so she never really put anything that was dangerous in her mouth, that i can recall anyway but my youngest niece doesn’t have a dummy, never has and doesn’t really give them the time of day which means at any given advantage she will put ANYTHING in her mouth. Like you know when you’re sitting playing bricks after dinner and she picks something up and puts it in her mouth, i have that panic every time until its either out her mouth or we realise its nothing but abit of dinner shes dropped. Trust me that kid can eat.

Reading through these i like to think they’re quite normal things to be anxious about around children and they are. I mean i do have the odd moment when i become anxious thinking about what situation might be unfolding but thats not talk for such a public writing platform.

So all in all i dont think i get anymore anxious then a normal person around children, if im honest i feel like im alot more relaxed in the sense they dont take anything seriously, you can never do wrong in a kids eye and you never have any expectations from them to do anything, i mean i do spoil them both quite alot but i dont feel like i have to constantly be on edge around them in the way i would be in an adult situation. If anything they help my anxiety which is probably a good thing with the amount of time i spend looking after them. In all honesty it could become completely different the day i become a mother to my own kids and i could look back on this blog post wishing it was all this easy but that isn’t for at least another couple of years so for now i think i can rest a little.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back and looking forward…

First of all i want to start off by saying i hope everyone had a really good Christmas and was blessed with lots of happiness and memories to last forever. My Christmas didn’t start off very well due to everyone waking up not very well but i was lucky enough to have my 3 favourite people and my brother in 1 room for some of the day followed with boxing day with my beautiful nieces so i had an amazing Christmas!

With 2016 coming to an end i felt like it was only right to look back on some events of the past year and reflect on them. So starting way back to the start of the year. I was pretty lucky as the first few months of 2016 were quite drama free which isn’t very often in my family. I must admit that those months were the first time in my life that i felt properly content with everything, felt like i could concur everything that came my way. I was able to go out on new years eve and have my first proper night out and for once i felt like a proper teenager. I felt like everyone else in the room. Then to turning 19 in February and feeling like this was my year to turn over a new leaf and focus on other things in my life to try and get it somewhat back on track.

Obviously later in 2016 everything went abit crazy from my dad becoming progressively worse with his health and us being told there was nothing anyone could do about my mums illness it was a tough few months. I somehow fell back into my old ways and became depressed and hidden within myself. I stopped going out and spent all my time indoors helping and looking after my parents. Then my dad ended up in hospital and i cant express enough how utterly proud of him i am at the fact he has not had one cigarette for MONTHS now and for someone who has smoked everyday since he was 19 i think thats one hell of an achievement.

I must point out the positives aswell as the negatives, or mention a mixture of both positive and negative depending on which side you take this. I started therapy again and then ended it within 3 lessons, finally realising within myself that i needed to work on who i am as a person and what i can do to help myself as Councillors just wasn’t working for me in the slightest.

Coming up to the end of 2016 is very bittersweet, this has been a hard year. A year of realising and a year of alot of hurt within the family but i can say that i am looking forward to the happiness and peace 2017 could potentially bring me.

Looking forward to 2017 is scary. In February i will no longer be a teenager, ill be 20. A fully grown adult. I as of yet have no idea where my life is planning to take me or what may happen in my future. I know what i would like to happen and getting my own place, my driving license and potentially adopting is something i feel very strongly that i want to achieve.

Career wise i dont really have a goal. I have things that i would love to chase up on and make myself out of but ever since i was younger i’ve always had that desire to be a mother nothing else. I mean granted im obviously going to have a job that i enjoy and im able to wake up for every day but in the future i like the idea of having a house full of kids. Im unsure whether thats because i have looked after my nieces since i was 16 or not but its something i love.

I must make it clear however that i am in no rush whatsoever to have children and it probably wont be for a couple more years yet as i am still finding myself and letting my inner youngster out. I also would like an ok paid job so im somewhat stable. So maybe for 2017 i’ll just stick to getting my driving license (and maybe a dog or 2 or 3. Maybe 4)

I hope you all have a very good new year. Ill see you in 2017!

Sky x