If you know me personally or have read previous blog posts you’d be aware that a couple of years ago i was made to go into counselling for my anxiety, counselling that if im 100% honest with you made everything worse. Im still unsure on whether it was the wrong time or counselling isn’t something for me but the whole situation was horrible for me and not really one i want to repeat.
However, lately lets just say not everything is as bright as it could be. Between family matters and my own hidden issues im not coping aswell as i once was. You see theres only a certain amount one person can take and after having that load on my body for so long its just exhausted itself to the point i cant physically or mentally cope with it anymore. So i went to the doctors today merely to get my tablets renewed and for a while ive thought of going and bringing up the matter of feeling depressed to a doctor but somethings held me back, whether it be i was embarrassed or i just didn’t want to have another word attached to me for life, i tried to deal with it. There comes to a point in a dark hole when you have no way to go and it seems silly to say because as soon as you’re in a dark hole you dont really have a specific direction but let me explain it like a pitch black room, you cant see anything not even the hand in front of you but you carry on going because you know somewhere there should be a speck of light that leads you out of the room but say that room didn’t have a way out, that whilst you were spending all that time looking it had patched itself up, almost into a box but with no lid. Thats how it is.
Some days you eat loads and some days you dont eat at all, some days you’re happy and some days you dont want to get out of bed but you dont show that, people just assume you’re tired when in fact its much worse. I’ve been hit with a lot of accusations lately that im either lying or faking everything about my mental illness and that doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is the fact they assume that everything about a mental illness you’re physically able to see, the fact that they assume because you’re doing something you wouldn’t usually then you’re suddenly cured. Often its people overhearing conversations and playing Chinese whispers in ways they feel is going to make that person feel even worse and it does but what is our thoughts to that person if putting us down makes themselves feel better? Clearly nothing.
If im honest with you i feel like a failure. Last time i went to counselling i had to pull out due to the fact i couldn’t cope and to say im petrified about going back would be an understatement. The fact i am having to go back at all is making me feel even worse. I didn’t want this for my life, i almost feel as though its a waste of oxygen to even bother when i seem to be back at the start every year. That when i feel like i have something good in my life that i somehow wreck it with my own train of thoughts. Part of me wishes i could talk about everything out loud but if im honest with you i dont think i could. I know no matter what i have one person i could talk too but everyone else im an inconvenience too, they dont want nothing to do with me unless something is in it for them and for people to laugh at certain things that set me off makes me feel so horrible about myself.
You imagine standing in front of a mirror and looking at a reflection you absolutely hate not only on the outside but on the inside aswell, that you dont have one bit about yourself that you could say to someone, oh i generally like that, because there is nothing and then to have people make stupid little remarks about your looks or your mental state. Of course its going to get to me, im at the most fragile stage ive ever been but im sorry it doesn’t benefit you so i’ll struggle alone.
Ill update you when i have my first appointment on how it goes.
Have a good day