My dads birthday surprise….

Hello everyone,

Todays post is going to be a little different then usual, completely off topic in fact. However it is something that i have been holding in as a secret for MONTHS and i can finally share with you as the day i put this blog post up the secret will be out!!

I am 19 now, 20 in less then 2 weeks and for as long as i can remember my step-dad has been the main man in my life. Stepping up to take on 3 kids and to treat us like his own is only something you could wish would happen to such an unfortunate family like us. I have always been grateful but i feel as i was younger i didn’t quite realise how grateful i should of been and i completely took him for granted, quite honestly i treated him like crap and if im being completely honest with you guys i did right up until i was 16 years old.

You see i never really questioned my real dad as to me my step-dad was as real as it could get, he was the man who stood up to do something my biological father failed too and that was enough for me. On my 16th birthday my biological father got in touch, im not going into detail but the whole time he was in the picture i felt strange and i couldn’t really put my finger on it, i felt strange and very guilty.I must state here that my step-dad has made it very clear from the beginning that if we ever did want to contact our biological dad he would be 100% behind us no matter what but i couldn’t help but feel a massive load of guilt. Here i was talking to a complete stranger, someone i had wrote a letter to years before only to throw it away when reality hit me in the face. However it was nothing like i expected it would be, it felt like i was just talking to a stranger and i had completely no connection and interests in wanting to know him, i later came to realise he hadn’t changed much and still wasn’t a very nice man. It made me appreciate my step-dad more.

I mean i never did speak to my real dad myself, not really feeling like i wanted too, always talking through someone else, to me he wasn’t my dad. This is when i realised this man i had treated like crap for years who had voluntarily looked after me ever since i was just a tiny toddler was my dad. Granted he wasn’t my dad biologically but he had such a place in my heart that he might aswell be.

He was the one that got me out of my fear of water, helped me with my homework, the person i would spend hours and hours decoration or building things with, the man who would shout at me and i would shout back. My god me and him didn’t half get into some arguments and yes at times and still now theres times i want to completely let rip at him and i probably always will, thats what me and him are like.

I had never really thought about him adopting me as growing up that wasnt something i was aware of, not because of it not being spoken about but it just simply didnt cross my mind as something we could do. Looking back on it now im gutted i didnt think of it sooner but sometimes life doesnt work out in the best way.

However i remember a conversation we had probably over a year ago now and im sure it had no context or thought behind it but i remember him saying about how special it would be if one of us did take his name, im sure we were watching a program on it to be honest. Again i never thought about it at the time but lately i’ve been wanting to give him something special, as some of you may be aware hes not very well, and i say that very lightly.

So long story, still kept very long by yours truly, I am now officially and legally Sky Wilson.

As much as i enjoyed being a Ryan for all of my life so far i feel as though this is as special and as big of a thank you that i can give my dad. He doesn’t ask for thank yous in fact hes never really asked for anything but for me personally i feel as though a thank you is in order.

This is also his birthday present so fingers crossed he likes it!!

Have a good day

Sky x

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Life Update….

I feel in this blog post i should start off by apologising for the sudden stop in blogmas. My life suddenly got extremely busy and my parents haven’t been in the best of health meaning i haven’t really had the time to sit down and write a blog post to the standard i would like to achieve before uploading it. I must admit however that i did do far better then i ever thought i could do, always a plus.

After finally getting the time to sit down and write a post i suddenly found myself stuck on what to write about, so having so many things happening in my life lately and writing about it seemed like the right thing to do. I mean im not really 100% sure where i should start but somewhere at the beginning sounds reasonable.

Since my last blog post that was somewhat life related my families been hit with many troubles, some obviously not being wrote about as we are keeping it all very personal but long story short my dads not much better. In fact hes alot worse. Over this past month we have just seen such a fall in his already bad health its worrying. Sadly we have to wait until January for results on this situation so until then all we can do is pray.

These last couple of months i promised myself i would focus on my anxiety and ways that are good to me to beat certain issues. I could sit here and write fake scenarios but quite frankly it hasn’t happened. If anything my anxiety and depression are becoming worse. Silly things like someone putting a whole sweet in their mouth turns me into a panicking mess when usually i can ignore it, i can focus my mind on other things but thats not the case anymore. This leads me to more problems because where do i go from here? Granted theres a way out somewhere like im always being told but i feel like ive searched it for so long that now im coming upto 20 years old its becoming desperate.

I always imagined by 20 that i would have my life together and at least have some sort of thought about my future. My goal being to be settled and happy enough to have kids by at least 25. I now know how impossible that is. Its scary because i get hit with things all the time but my mind rejects opportunities, it rejects people and no one really understands it to the point they carry on until they know my mind can come round, it scares them off instead. It leads to me almost hiding in myself as i know just what will happen, like the many times it has before. I want to sit here and say by the end of 2017 i will be writing a post about how together my life has become in the last year but im finding that tricky to imagine when im not the sort of person to go chasing after things and im certain not special enough for people to come chasing after me.

Leaving this blog post on a positive note however, 2 days till Christmas!!!

Have a good day

Sky x

My favourite Christmas treat recipe….

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As you’ve probably seen me write about quite alot already in my blog posts me and my family are quite the keen bakers, i am no way saying we’re any good at it because half the time we completely give up on the recipe and create our own style or just go by hand. I mean we like to be creative with the things we make so often we will add different sorts of flavors in the recipe to see if it makes any different or whether the taste is something we like or dislike.

Something we do make every year is of course mince pies which is odd in our house as we dont make them until Christmas eve this meaning we dont usually eat them over the December period and plus my dad isn’t keen on mince pies anyway. However we still make them every year and we always go overboard so there is always enough to go around.

We make the pastry from scratch, our pastry of choice being sweet pastry as thats just something we prefer. We use an old recipe book that has been in our family for quite a while ‘Classic Cakes by Barbara Maher’ I found a link to buy it on Ebay! Click here to view it!

Now for sweet shortcrust pastry you are going to need:

  • 6oz/170g Plain flour
  • Pinch of salt
  • 4oz/110g butter, chilled and cubed
  • 1oz/25g caster sugar
  • 1 egg, lightly whisked
  • 2 tablespoons of water (if needed)

Depending on how many we plan to make we usually double the ingredients just because it will take up less room in the fridge when it needs to be chilled plus we wont be mucking around making loads of different batches of pastry all day.

Sift the flour and salt into a large bowl; drop in the pieces of butter and using your fingertips lightly rub the butter with the flour until it becomes that of a bread crumb texture. Fork in the caster sugar, 1 egg and if the mixture seems too dry add in a tablespoon of the water. Lightly mix all the ingredients into a smooth pastry. If the pastry seems very dry add the remaining tablespoon of water. The texture of the pastry should be soft but should not be sticky. We have found that 90% of the time the water isn’t needed as the pastry is naturally quite sticky but with the kneading the pastry and adding abit extra flour it tends to become more of a soft dough.

If you dont know what kneading it, it is where you work with the pastry with the heel of your hand and you blend it by pushing it away from you, remember though it is always best to have a little flour on the side before you do this to prevent any sticking or any struggle getting it off.

Now this is where me and my dad makes everything a little different as in the book is says to wrap closely in cling film and chill for 30 minutes. Now as we make double in one time and it usually takes up the half of the day we have free we put the lot in the fridge for the night as the very first year we tried it we felt like 30 minutes didn’t feel enough. Now we arent professionals in anyway we just go by what we feel is right at that time and this has worked for us for years.

Before you kneed the dough you can add extra flavours in it. Last year me and my dad experimented with cinnamon and honestly it tasted so much better with the mince pie filling and gave it that extra little kick of Christmas it was great! I must advice though as cinnamon can be quite strong start with little amounts and build up.

As all this preparation is made on the day before Christmas eve it means when Christmas eve comes we are able to get straight to the baking.

For the mince pies we dont really make the filling from scratch usually because its much easier to buy jars of it plus we dont really have a recipe that we could use. We buy at least 4 big jars of the filling mainly because my brother is an absolute pig. Lets leave that sentence there.

So whilst my mum and usually my brother as even though he doesn’t live with us anymore he still comes down for the Christmas period, go out and buy the fresh fruit etc that we need for Christmas day me and my dad basically convert the dining room into an extra kitchen. As he uses cutters to measure out the pastry or even last time he had to use the top of our sugar tin as there wasn’t a cutter big enough for what we needed. So whilst he cut out the pastry i buttered the cupcake tins we use so they wouldn’t stick and then wold proceed to open the mince jars and put roughly 1 and a half table spoons in. We did this for every one then eventually once they were all filled we cut the lids out and just simply used an egg brush to put water around the edges to help the lid stick.

To cook them we simply put them on 190 for 10 minutes then we turn the tray around and cook for a further 10 minutes. Then ENJOY.

Dont forget to follow my blog as every day up until Christmas i will be posting a blog post!! 

Have a good day

Sky x

 BLOGMAS LINKS.

December 1st: 24 Days Leading Up To Christmas

December 2nd: Giving At Christmas

December 3rd: Santa Claus was in my living room?

December 4th: Anxiety at Christmas…

December 5th: Christmas Decorating…

Storytime: Santa Claus was in my living room?

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I decided for my third blog post of December i would speak about the time i was sure for years that i had seen Santa in my living room.

As a little child the temptation of seeing the amount of Christmas presents before your parents did was something you just couldn’t pass. I was always that kid, i would wake up early knowing i wouldn’t be able to see them for hours to then sneak downstairs into the front room and have a feel of the presents to see if i could guess what they were. I mean i agree it was abit cheeky and very rude but when you’re a kid the Christmas magic is still at full level and you cant help but have the urge.

Now this day i remember purely because im still not entirely sure what it was in the living room but lets just say im an adult now and i know. So all my life i have been a very light sleeper, i wake up at doors being opened or people being present in my room or just any noise. This night i remember being woken up by a noise. Now we never had stockings when we were younger, i think we had them around once maybe twice but it just wasn’t something our family liked so we never felt the need to go out and get them, sure we had them hung up for decoration but that was all they were, decoration. So i go downstairs being my curious self as i was very much awake by this point and wondering if Santa had been or not.

I should probably mention this is the time i woke my brother up as lets face it im never brave enough to do these things on my own but somehow i was the one that was made to push the door open, so i did.

My front room door is pretty simple, you push it and it opens. No force is needed, not even the handle being pushed down. Its a simple give it a nudge and it’ll swing open. It didn’t. This is where it gets confusing because i remember the door opening not even a few millimeters, you weren’t even able to get your full hand through the gap it was that small and it refused to open anymore, almost like it had hit something. However after a couple of hours of running to our bedrooms in complete awe at the fact we were pretty 100% sure we saw Santas red suit through the front room doors window we eventually just had to get our parents up and we did. This time when we opened the door is opened PERFECTLY.

When we went in there was nothing that it could of caught on, nothing in sight that could have been moved and im aware some people might say it was my parents putting something the other side of the door but when i said you couldn’t fit a hand in the gap i literally meant a kids hand so there was no way an adult hand could fit through it. This is where ive always been confused. As i mentioned before my whole childhood i was convinced it was Santa and now im not too sure. What i do know it is what very weird!!

 Dont forget to follow my blog as every day up until Christmas i will be posting a blog post!! 

Have a good day

Sky x

 BLOGMAS LINKS.

December 1st: 24 Days Leading Up To Christmas

December 2nd: Giving At Christmas

24 Days Leading Up To Christmas..

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As today is the first day of December, meaning the first day of the month leading up to my most favourite time of the year i thought it was only right to celebrate with a blog post and follow it up with a blog post everyday until Christmas day. As Christmas time can be the busiest time of the year theres nothing better than being able to sit back at the end of the day and relax with something good to read.

As a big lover of Christmas our decorations are nearly always out before the first of December, mainly down to my overly eagerness and the fact i pester my dad until he finally gives in and lets me decorate the house to the dozen. I find whole putting the decorations up process is 100x more special than what the end product looks like. The laughing, the arguing, the music and the dancing. The bonding and the memories you’ll have with your family to hopefully carry on with a family of your own one day. The buzz of Santa Claus coming for the little ones and the buzz for you of seeing their faces when they finally open the presents they’ve been pestering you to ask Santa to buy them for months on end.

I mean sure, Christmas time comes with a whole lot of stress aswell but in the end its all worth it right?

To look back on in a couple of months time when you’ve finally been able to recover from the stress it causes you only for it to start up again almost instantly. I mean theres many a things that stresses you out at this time of year, as for birthdays aswell but its happy. The whole atmosphere is a happy one, happiness that goes on for weeks and weeks.

Of course if you are religious then Christmas has a very special place, a meaning and thats what fuels your love for it, thats what helps you in your celebration, now personally my family isn’t religious, we never have been and although we all have our personal thoughts on it we have never celebrated Christmas in a religious way. For my family the whole holiday is very family orientated, everything revolves around the little ones and spending quality time with the eldest of the family, creating memories we can look back on for years to come, for traditions to be passed down. For example, every year on Christmas eve me and my dad without fail spend the whole day baking. Its something we both love doing, its like a bonding session for us both because even though we live in the same house everything is so hectic we never really have time to have a full catch up so whilst everyone is rushing around me and him have a relaxed day at home baking food that could probably feed a hundred. Im not sure how it will plan out this year what with him being so poorly, im hoping we’re still able to do it together but if not i’ll be sure to carry it on myself.

Other things that excite me about Christmas is the whole countdown to the day, the fact you know somewhere in the house your presents are hidden and you have to refrain yourself from going on a hunt and ruining the surprise for the day or the other way round where you have to find somewhere to hide everyone elses present when they go everywhere in the house especially when you’re not present in the house at the time they decide to go searching. The suspense is something you could either love or despise. Both ways im so excited!

Dont forget to follow my blog as every day up until Christmas i will be posting a blog post!! 

Have a good day 

Sky x

Update on COPD

When i posted my first blog post about COPD and opening up about this new adventure that had entered our life i promised i would keep everyone updated, teach people what we have learnt as we have been going along and i felt now was the time to do that update after having a whirlwind of a few months.

It is now coming up to 4 months since we found out, a struggling 4 months, for my dad more than anyone else. In the last 4 months hes accomplished so many things, giving up smoking, managing doing things in a different way then what he used too. However during this time we have became aware of certain things he has to avoid and how hes unable to do most stuff he used too. For example, at the start of the year we started the idea of moving my bedroom downstairs and before everything got bad we was luckily able to decorate the basics, this means not only is my room incomplete but we have a spare room upstairs that we were hoping to convert into a room for my young nieces, this has been put on hold. You see many of the ideas my dad has involves making things from scratch, him getting a sense of accomplish from doing so. About a month ago when we went to look at certain types of wood in B&Q (dont, i was confused too. It was a not very fun Sunday morning for me) we realised my dad had started to become very restless and wheezy, finding it hard to breathe and suddenly feeling very light headed and having to take his pump. This is when we realised our first hurdle.

Our second hurdle is finding out house chores are alot harder. This might seem abit selfish on my families part so i must insert the fact that certain things like the washing my dad prefers to do himself as he has to do it a certain way. Now hes unable to carry the dried washing to the side to fold it up, unable to stand up long enough and has trouble bending down to certain highs and staying there for a period of time. The heat of the tumble dryer gets to his chest and sometimes he finds it difficult to breathe because of it.

The third hurdle is pretty much natural life. I feel as though the atmosphere has changed completely. As we now know its present and how dangerous it is we are aware of what we should and shouldn’t do. Running around with my nieces becomes a task almost as grueling as school and the littlest amount of stress causes untold problems, which is a downful in this family as that is the one emotion that never seems to disappear. The fact being around certain illnesses is a no and the doctors stress every time but its almost impossible not to be around when you live around the person so the stress of us having a cold increases a huge amount at the thought he could get it and it could effect him horrendously.

Luckily, i say luckily its not really but since my last blog post we have only had one severe incident where the paramedics had to be called out, this being when my dad collapsed in the hallway late in the day. Its scary because that whole day he felt fine, the whole day he said he felt perfectly normal and like nothing was wrong, him not even needing to take his pump an unusual amount of times however within seconds it all hit him and he was collapsed on the floor. Luckily he wasn’t in the hospital over a period of days and arrived home at half 3 in the morning completely knackered and with no explanation from the doctors other than it was his COPD and SVT both played up at the same time and his body was unable to cope. Him being perfectly fine according to them but it will never be any less scary. No matter how many times we have to call an ambulance i will continue to be absolutely petrified when im standing there unable to do anything at all. Seeing your dad attached to a heart monitor and having oxygen given to him whilst his body turns a funny looking yellow colour and over thinking every little look the paramedics give to eachother. Having questions asked to you from the next door neighbors for days when its not something you want to think about until the next time because no matter how bad it sounds you know theres always going to be a next time.

Ive become more understandable of the condition, researching about every little bit of it so i can help my dad have a more comfortable home life. Him not having to overly struggle or worry about anything because even though i am aware how hard it is on us i know for him its worse as he has had to change his life from every aspect. The idea of him not being able to do something he really enjoys can be shattering however we are getting there and thinking of ways to overcome obstacles. The constant hospital appointment and assessments he has to go through to test the length/strength of his breath and how badly his COPD is progressing, which even though i am very open about my life on my blog my family wish to keep that confidential, can be very exhausting for him causing him to need days to recover properly.

Again i will keep you informed in the future of how everything is and what has gotten better or worse, whether we eventually find ways to overcome things and how my dad copes with it himself.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking after my parents..

Some of you may know my parents, some of you may not. If you do you’ll know they both suffer with quite bad healthy problems, my dad getting considerably worse and my mum being the same ever since I can remember. As the youngest out of my mother and step-fathers children I’ve never really known any different. I mean I’m sure at one point in my life they were both fine but it’s been so long that my mind no longer has that memory stored to look back on.

I would like to point out before I go into detail about all this that I am in way complaining. I myself stood up to the task of being more mature then I needed to be and doing the things I now do. I was in no way forced into it or made to feel like I had no other choice but as they have done so much for me it was only fair i looked after them.

My mums always been ill, for some reason, still unknown to us she’s ill every month for nearly two weeks. Even till this day she’s still undergoing tests to try and find out what’s wrong. To make matters worse she suffered a stroke. That was the worst thing I’ve ever had to watch in my life. I remember taking Wednesday afternoon off school for the whole of year 9 so I could go to her physiotherapy sessions with her and help her in the road to recovery. I hated the place, the smell, the things you would see, the atmosphere. I felt out of place, in a way like I would be viewed as somehow boasting about what I was able to do just by sitting there and being healthy. To this day she still gets severe pains from walking a certain distance or just from doing strenuous activities. Of course this caused trouble with my schooling and my attendance, people often assuming I was skipping school on purpose to avoid a certain class and as i wasn’t prepared to share my personal information with them it caused several rumours to surface and i mean im never one to get really bothered about rumours and i much preferred getting the stick about something that was false then being forced into sharing information i didnt want too.

Whilst all that was going on my dads health was deteriorating. First it was his back and his shoulder, having to get several injections in his spine to try and control his severe pain and now heart is getting weaker, him being diagnosed with SVT and now with his COPD. The constant hospital and doctors appointments. The constant specialists and the adapting to his conditions we’ve had to do. I want to say that i dont feel threatened by these illnesses and that i know everythings going to be ok but the fact i dont makes the situation alot worse.

I think this is the main factor for my anxiety when i go away, you see i am almost always petrified that something is going to happen to them whether im away from them for even a second or i go out on a rare night out, even though they could potentially be sleeping or are on their way to bed i have this constant anxious feeling that i wont be there if something happens and i have no way of returning back. I mean its happened on several occasions, the last two times everything happened with my dad i was up my nans helping her and the gut feeling isn’t something i could describe, its like an ache but much more painful.

Often i have to put my own health aside and i know my parents hate it but ive gotten to this point i hide it because theirs is much more important. I dont go to the doctors hardly ever anymore for myself. I spend so much time at them any other time that i persuade myself i will get better and theres no need for the assistance of a doctor. Often im wrong but i like to think im always right.

In a way i view myself as lucky because although i look after my parents i do get my own time. There are times where my mum could be feeling as fine as she can get and im able to spend time with my nieces or often i go up and help my nan. Im able to go on nights out and have a little bit of time for myself but if im honest i usually just sleep those times away, im too exhausted. Im also aware some people have it much worse, they look after a relative who is unable to even do their own things and that care is 24/7. Im aware that they dont get their own free time nor do they get anytime to do anything they would prefer but this is what i live like and my experience from it all and i admire them i really do because i struggle. The things you have to remember, the ones they forget or the little things you have to help them do or steer them away from.

Im going to sound really negative now and its not that i want too but after every hospital appointment ive realised that their conditions are only going to get worse. I wish i could tell you the feeling of knowing that. The feeling that one or both of your parents are slowly dying isnt one you particularly want to know nor is it one you want to share with everyone. I suppose in a way its my own fault. I find out what conditions they have research them and then bring the questions up next time i see their specialist and i usually get the answers i dont particularly want.

Life is a funny thing. It gives you the most precious people/things and then slowly rips them away from you. It makes your happiest moments turn into your saddest and it tests you beyond belief. Never say that we dont have to the right to feel somewhat upset about our life because someone has it worse, thats silly. Im aware and most people are aware that people have it worse but for us this is the worse we have experienced ourselves. This is something we have to have the pain and thoughts of that we dont have about other people situations just like they dont ours. We all as individuals have a right to be equally upset about all different aspects of whats going on.

Treasure life. Treasure your parents and treasure memories.

Sky x