Life Update….

I feel in this blog post i should start off by apologising for the sudden stop in blogmas. My life suddenly got extremely busy and my parents haven’t been in the best of health meaning i haven’t really had the time to sit down and write a blog post to the standard i would like to achieve before uploading it. I must admit however that i did do far better then i ever thought i could do, always a plus.

After finally getting the time to sit down and write a post i suddenly found myself stuck on what to write about, so having so many things happening in my life lately and writing about it seemed like the right thing to do. I mean im not really 100% sure where i should start but somewhere at the beginning sounds reasonable.

Since my last blog post that was somewhat life related my families been hit with many troubles, some obviously not being wrote about as we are keeping it all very personal but long story short my dads not much better. In fact hes alot worse. Over this past month we have just seen such a fall in his already bad health its worrying. Sadly we have to wait until January for results on this situation so until then all we can do is pray.

These last couple of months i promised myself i would focus on my anxiety and ways that are good to me to beat certain issues. I could sit here and write fake scenarios but quite frankly it hasn’t happened. If anything my anxiety and depression are becoming worse. Silly things like someone putting a whole sweet in their mouth turns me into a panicking mess when usually i can ignore it, i can focus my mind on other things but thats not the case anymore. This leads me to more problems because where do i go from here? Granted theres a way out somewhere like im always being told but i feel like ive searched it for so long that now im coming upto 20 years old its becoming desperate.

I always imagined by 20 that i would have my life together and at least have some sort of thought about my future. My goal being to be settled and happy enough to have kids by at least 25. I now know how impossible that is. Its scary because i get hit with things all the time but my mind rejects opportunities, it rejects people and no one really understands it to the point they carry on until they know my mind can come round, it scares them off instead. It leads to me almost hiding in myself as i know just what will happen, like the many times it has before. I want to sit here and say by the end of 2017 i will be writing a post about how together my life has become in the last year but im finding that tricky to imagine when im not the sort of person to go chasing after things and im certain not special enough for people to come chasing after me.

Leaving this blog post on a positive note however, 2 days till Christmas!!!

Have a good day

Sky x

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Final counselling decision….

I felt as though i needed to finish my counselling blog posts in a way that explains my way of thinking and everything that was involved in the final decision.

I am not going back to counselling.

The last time i went for a session i felt somewhat put down and made to feel that everything was down to me being an attention seeker or a drama queen. I felt hurt and it pushed my confidence down to the lowest level it has ever been and with everything going on in my personal life at the moment i felt like it wasn’t giving me the release from my thoughts that i was promised.

The first time i went counselling i put it down to my expectations being too high and me going by what i had seen on TV and read about in books so even though i didn’t really want to i gave it a second go and went back with no expectations other than to be treated with respect. Now not only did i get put down for keeping a blog about my progress and experiences in life i was also made to feel like i was lazy. Therefore i came to the decision to not go back to counselling.

Now when i say i will not go back to counselling im not ruling getting help out im simply ruling out the counselling people i was with. As i said in previous posts im unsure whether the woman had something against me personally or she just had a bad day every day i went in but when i put myself in a mindset to do counselling i expect even the tiniest bit of  a positive outcome. Im aware that doesn’t come straight away and you have to work for it but to be put down to a degree you become even more secluded then what you are is ridiculous. As i have many resources now i am currently going down the self help route and searching through every option available to me in the hopes of living somewhat a normal life.

I will write my blog posts whilst im going through a self help journey as even though i have posted some pointers on it in the past i have never fully experienced it and i feel as though thats a completely different situation then just reading and being informed on the subject. Im aware this route is probably going to be harder as i am completely on my own with no professional help but in the long run it might help me more than someone else could and if not i have many paths to look down on what could help me in the future.

I feel like ive hit a stump these past years when ive been relying on someone else to give me the answers to my questions when in fact the whole time i needed to be asking myself these questions because granted i probably wont know the answer straight away but i’ll learn like the same with everything in life, you learn from experience. This just may be many more bad experiences then good.

Have a good day

Sky x

Follow me and check back on the 1st December for a blog post every day right up until Christmas!

Revisiting Counselling: Session 2, Final Session?

When i first made the decision that i was going to share my second round of counselling on my blog i never thought it would end as quickly as it had started. My past experience being longer than i could have ever have imagined. This time however it could possibly be over before its even properly started.

So today was my second counselling session and in preparation i had done everything she had asked me to do, documented what i did in the day for that past week, what i ate and how regular my mood went down. I filled in all the paperwork needed and made extra notes if i felt like i needed too. I felt somewhat prepared for the let down of what this counselling session may endure but as always it managed to come out worse.

As she read through my week diary i could see the facial expressions on her face being somewhat surprising. You see i dont have a set routine, with everything going on in my life it would be pointless to put a set routine to try get everything done and in turn it would just stress me out 10X more. This she seemed to have an issue with, as me proving her point that i was in fact doing alot more then she had thought. It jumping from me not doing enough during the day, to the reason i was depressed being the fact i had no set routine. Im aware that could have a input, the fact i dont know whats coming in the next five minutes let alone the next day does put strain on me but i wouldn’t go as far to say as thats the main reason, if anything not having a routine makes it a hell of a lot better for me. She then asked me what my goals in life are and that surely what i was doing during my week isn’t what i want to be doing with the rest of my life and sure it isn’t but its something i have to do. I wouldn’t want to have these issues in my life for the rest of my life or the stress of everyday and what that may bring but i have to and changing that at the moment isn’t something i could do as not everything is down to my life and my health and my counselor knows this.

So when discussing goals to her i simply said that i hadn’t set any in stone i mean sure theres things i would like to do in the future but until i know where everything is at and what way it may go i cant focus on my own life and she basically laid into me saying it was like i wasn’t bothered about how my future ended up or what i ended up doing, that i was the reason my mind worked the way it did and if i kept thinking this way then i would be like this forever. If im being honest with you, she was right about something, i dont care about my future. I care about my parents and their future more than mine so if i have to put mine to the back i will do, for as long as it takes whether i have some woman at my throat or not.

Sadly this meant she assumed that my bad thoughts was down to me being ‘lazy’ and she didn’t know how counselling would help me. Now im not one for confrontation nor am i one to bother that much about what someone with a tiny insight into my life thinks of me but one thing i cannot stand is being called lazy. I admit to some people i may look lazy, they may assume i sit on my arse all day doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself but i dont. I would bloody love too, i would absolutely love to be able to sit down all day without the constant worrying or the constant getting up, the anxiety attacks. I would love it but i dont have it that way and for someone to tell me that my mental illness wasnt there it was basically just me making excuses for not wanting to get off my arse. I couldnt anymore.

I tried counselling, even with the crap i knew i was going to get along with it, i tried. I put myself through all that again and where has it got me? nowhere. I feel as though i have people that are deciding my thought processes on life when in fact they only have a fraction of an insight on what its like. They assume the rest, just like they assume the sort of person i am. Its a joke.

The worst thing is you get told for ages to ask for help, you sit in your mind day in and day out till eventually it gets too much and you have to ask for help only to be met with that? I dont understand why i should have to put up with that? Why should i have to go through the same thing again?

I now have to wait until next week for a group of people to discuss whether im too messed up for counselling. Some random people that dont know hardly anything about my life other than what they read on a paper. Someone who has only being introduced to the new part of my life for roughly 30 minutes. Now i understand some counselors can be amazing, some can go through and change the life of others but here where is that help? I’ve asked to change counselors only to be told that im in the best hands. I’ve accomplished more in myself in these past 2 years hiding away from everything and everyone than i have since being in the ‘best hands’. I have never felt so horrible than i have this past month since knowing i was having counselling. I’ve been stressed, worried and just made to feel downright horrible about myself. I got told counselling was meant to help but ive been left with nothing but sadness. More sadness than i started with.

This whole thing just isn’t making me upbeat and positive about the idea of counselling altogether and quite frankly i dont want to try it again. Im hoping with everything inside me that they say next week i dont have to go back to counselling. Yes it means im back to square one and im left with my own thoughts to wonder off and create some problematic scenario in my head but im so over receiving such awful attitude from people that are meant to help me forward in my life that my thoughts feel like a safe and much more positive place to be and thats saying something because they’re not very nice thoughts.

So this may or may not be the last counselling blog post. I hope if you’re currently going through the process of counselling that its working out a lot better for you than it is me. I’ll let you know the final decision next week.

Have a good day

Sky x

Revisiting counselling, session 1…

As promised, the update to my second journey of counselling.

I wish i could come on here and write how perfect it all was and how wrong i was about what i thought might happen but i wasn’t, in a way i felt almost as though it was even worse this time, making me question do i even bother going back next week?

As my counselling is located currently at my doctors surgery i get a text notification reminding me of the appointment the day before, so Wednesday come and so did the notification, with that notification was the realization i was getting the exact same counselor i had last time. I suppose in a way that was a good thing as i wouldn’t have to go over everything from previous years but with how badly everything was handled at counselling 2 years ago it made me even more on edge and nervous.

Turns out i had my appointment on the worse day possible as it was flu jab day so the doctors was filled with people lining up, not that i had an issue i mean they were there for the better of their health it just made me feel 10X more anxious. My appointment was at 2, i think i eventually went in at 2:30.

When i first got in there i could tell she noticed me straight away, telling me she had noticed my name and was wondering if i was the same person. She then proceeded to ask me to fill out the most ridiculous form again and i did. As some of the questions were quite important i took my time, only to feel pressured into being faster because she was getting bored. We then had a catch up on what had been happening in the last 2 years and whether anything worse had happened in my family (how long did she have?). After filling her in with the important things we looked at my results for the questionnaire. You see at wellbeing they add your scores up to determined how bad you are. My personal opinion on that method isn’t very polite nor is it something i wish to voice at this moment in time but the fact im being judged how bad i am on which number out of 3 i circle is ridiculous.

Anyway, It came up that my depression was a 23 when it was meant to be at 10 to be classed as a ‘normal’ human and although my anxiety had gone down from previous counselling it still was at a high 19 when it should be at 8. Now on the questionnaire there is a variety of questions you are made to answer about your state of health and your thoughts, questions which i took very seriously only to be asked what my plans were? This took me back abit as i wondered what she could possibly benefit from asking me that question, why would she ask me what my plans and whether i have plans to end my own life? I felt like i was some sort of joke to her, like she was laughing at the different aspects of my life. I felt humiliated and in the end i ended up not focusing on her at all, focusing on the different things around her or certain things she would do at certain times, giving anything but her my attention.

At the end of the session i was handed a piece of paper that i was told to keep as a diary for the week as she thought i wasn’t doing enough things in my life and this was the reason my thoughts are the way they were. Now as someone who spends every second of her day not being able to rest i only had to laugh at this comment. I sometimes dont even get more than 4 hours sleep because im so busy doing everything but i just wasn’t in the mood anymore. She then told me i needed to change my thoughts in order to be happy within myself (i wish it was that easy)

Now i am in no way accusing this woman of having a certain behavior towards me nor am i saying that she is bad in her professional but honestly its a waste of my time and i know that, i know this is going to be exactly like it was the last time and im not going to achieve nothing with it. I feel claustrophobic, almost as though i cant truly tell my thoughts without it being judged or classed as somewhat pathetic. I get my negative attitude towards it probably doesn’t help but when you’re told for so long that you need to ask for help and then when you do its nothing but what i am receiving you cant help but be negative about everything else around you.

My next appointment is next week so the 20th October. I will go mainly because ive made a promise to someone that i would at least try so i will update you on whether that goes any better when it happens.

Have a good day

Sky x

 

Counselling Take Two??

If you know me personally or have read previous blog posts you’d be aware that a couple of years ago i was made to go into counselling for my anxiety, counselling that if im 100% honest with you made everything worse. Im still unsure on whether it was the wrong time or counselling isn’t something for me but the whole situation was horrible for me and not really one i want to repeat.

However, lately lets just say not everything is as bright as it could be. Between family matters and my own hidden issues im not coping aswell as i once was. You see theres only a certain amount one person can take and after having that load on my body for so long its  just exhausted itself to the point i cant physically or mentally cope with it anymore. So i went to the doctors today merely to get my tablets renewed and for a while ive thought of going and bringing up the matter of feeling depressed to a doctor but somethings held me back, whether it be i was embarrassed or i just didn’t want to have another word attached to me for life, i tried to deal with it. There comes to a point in a dark hole when you have no way to go and it seems silly to say because as soon as you’re in a dark hole you dont really have a specific direction but let me explain it like a pitch black room, you cant see anything not even the hand in front of you but you carry on going because you know somewhere there should be a speck of light that leads you out of the room but say that room didn’t have a way out, that whilst you were spending all that time looking it had patched itself up, almost into a box but with no lid. Thats how it is.

Some days you eat loads and some days you dont eat at all, some days you’re happy and some days you dont want to get out of bed but you dont show that, people just assume you’re tired when in fact its much worse. I’ve been hit with a lot of accusations lately that im either lying or faking everything about my mental illness and that doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is the fact they assume that everything about a mental illness you’re physically able to see, the fact that they assume because you’re doing something you wouldn’t usually then you’re suddenly cured. Often its people overhearing conversations and playing Chinese whispers in ways they feel is going to make that person feel even worse and it does but what is our thoughts to that person if putting us down makes themselves feel better? Clearly nothing.

If im honest with you i feel like a failure. Last time i went to counselling i had to pull out due to the fact i couldn’t cope and to say im petrified about going back would be an understatement. The fact i am having to go back at all is making me feel even worse. I didn’t want this for my life, i almost feel as though its a waste of oxygen to even bother when i seem to be back at the start every year. That when i feel like i have something good in my life that i somehow wreck it with my own train of thoughts. Part of me wishes i could talk about everything out loud but if im honest with you i dont think i could. I know no matter what i have one person i could talk too but everyone else im an inconvenience too, they dont want nothing to do with me unless something is in it for them and for people to laugh at certain things that set me off makes me feel so horrible about myself.

You imagine standing in front of a mirror and looking at a reflection you absolutely hate not only on the outside but on the inside aswell, that you dont have one bit about yourself that you could say to someone, oh i generally like that, because there is nothing and then to have people make stupid little remarks about your looks or your mental state. Of course its going to get to me, im at the most fragile stage ive ever been but im sorry it doesn’t benefit you so i’ll struggle alone.

Ill update you when i have my first appointment on how it goes.

Have a good day

Sky x