When i first made the decision that i was going to share my second round of counselling on my blog i never thought it would end as quickly as it had started. My past experience being longer than i could have ever have imagined. This time however it could possibly be over before its even properly started.
So today was my second counselling session and in preparation i had done everything she had asked me to do, documented what i did in the day for that past week, what i ate and how regular my mood went down. I filled in all the paperwork needed and made extra notes if i felt like i needed too. I felt somewhat prepared for the let down of what this counselling session may endure but as always it managed to come out worse.
As she read through my week diary i could see the facial expressions on her face being somewhat surprising. You see i dont have a set routine, with everything going on in my life it would be pointless to put a set routine to try get everything done and in turn it would just stress me out 10X more. This she seemed to have an issue with, as me proving her point that i was in fact doing alot more then she had thought. It jumping from me not doing enough during the day, to the reason i was depressed being the fact i had no set routine. Im aware that could have a input, the fact i dont know whats coming in the next five minutes let alone the next day does put strain on me but i wouldn’t go as far to say as thats the main reason, if anything not having a routine makes it a hell of a lot better for me. She then asked me what my goals in life are and that surely what i was doing during my week isn’t what i want to be doing with the rest of my life and sure it isn’t but its something i have to do. I wouldn’t want to have these issues in my life for the rest of my life or the stress of everyday and what that may bring but i have to and changing that at the moment isn’t something i could do as not everything is down to my life and my health and my counselor knows this.
So when discussing goals to her i simply said that i hadn’t set any in stone i mean sure theres things i would like to do in the future but until i know where everything is at and what way it may go i cant focus on my own life and she basically laid into me saying it was like i wasn’t bothered about how my future ended up or what i ended up doing, that i was the reason my mind worked the way it did and if i kept thinking this way then i would be like this forever. If im being honest with you, she was right about something, i dont care about my future. I care about my parents and their future more than mine so if i have to put mine to the back i will do, for as long as it takes whether i have some woman at my throat or not.
Sadly this meant she assumed that my bad thoughts was down to me being ‘lazy’ and she didn’t know how counselling would help me. Now im not one for confrontation nor am i one to bother that much about what someone with a tiny insight into my life thinks of me but one thing i cannot stand is being called lazy. I admit to some people i may look lazy, they may assume i sit on my arse all day doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself but i dont. I would bloody love too, i would absolutely love to be able to sit down all day without the constant worrying or the constant getting up, the anxiety attacks. I would love it but i dont have it that way and for someone to tell me that my mental illness wasnt there it was basically just me making excuses for not wanting to get off my arse. I couldnt anymore.
I tried counselling, even with the crap i knew i was going to get along with it, i tried. I put myself through all that again and where has it got me? nowhere. I feel as though i have people that are deciding my thought processes on life when in fact they only have a fraction of an insight on what its like. They assume the rest, just like they assume the sort of person i am. Its a joke.
The worst thing is you get told for ages to ask for help, you sit in your mind day in and day out till eventually it gets too much and you have to ask for help only to be met with that? I dont understand why i should have to put up with that? Why should i have to go through the same thing again?
I now have to wait until next week for a group of people to discuss whether im too messed up for counselling. Some random people that dont know hardly anything about my life other than what they read on a paper. Someone who has only being introduced to the new part of my life for roughly 30 minutes. Now i understand some counselors can be amazing, some can go through and change the life of others but here where is that help? I’ve asked to change counselors only to be told that im in the best hands. I’ve accomplished more in myself in these past 2 years hiding away from everything and everyone than i have since being in the ‘best hands’. I have never felt so horrible than i have this past month since knowing i was having counselling. I’ve been stressed, worried and just made to feel downright horrible about myself. I got told counselling was meant to help but ive been left with nothing but sadness. More sadness than i started with.
This whole thing just isn’t making me upbeat and positive about the idea of counselling altogether and quite frankly i dont want to try it again. Im hoping with everything inside me that they say next week i dont have to go back to counselling. Yes it means im back to square one and im left with my own thoughts to wonder off and create some problematic scenario in my head but im so over receiving such awful attitude from people that are meant to help me forward in my life that my thoughts feel like a safe and much more positive place to be and thats saying something because they’re not very nice thoughts.
So this may or may not be the last counselling blog post. I hope if you’re currently going through the process of counselling that its working out a lot better for you than it is me. I’ll let you know the final decision next week.
Have a good day