Travelling is a pretty touchy subject with me i mean for the past 3/4 years I’ve put it on the back burner not really bothering to attempt to travel after my failures in the past. Every time i think of travelling somewhere i think of embarrassing myself in front of everyone when i went to tumble or panicking the whole 5 hours to Bath and making myself poorly. My anxiety just doesn’t do well travelling.

So it will probably come as a complete shock that after all those years im planning to travel yet again. To say im nervous would be an understatement, granted this time i wont be travelling to said place on my own ill be with 3 of my best friends but its no less horrendous for my mind. If im being completely honest with myself i do feel different, more confident about it this time but then i do have those moments where i cant even think about it without feeling sick and my body getting this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness. I cant help but picture all those other failed attempts and embarrassments to myself and assume thats whats going to happen this time but they’ll be people there to experience it aswell. No doubt i’ll be completely quiet and probably even spend the middle of the night crying to myself in the bathroom like i usually do before a big plan but i really am determined to go through with it this time and i couldn’t have a better support network with me in doing so.

I think personally my biggest fear is ruining everyone’s day, i dont want the day to revolve around whether i can do it or everyone’s eyes being firmly fixed on me because of my mental illness nor do i want it to seem like im wanting all the attention from it. Yes its a big deal for me to not only get on the train but be at a train station and yes i do want some sort of recognition for finally being able to do something but i dont want it to overshadow the most amazing day we are going to have. I say amazing because i know it will be even if right now my mind is tricking me into thinking about everything that could potentially go wrong whether it be with me as a person or at home when im not here. Im only going for a day, there in the morning back at night but thats a huge step.

I dont want to crack under the pressure of this when the other day i felt perfectly fine about going but i feel as it gets closer i become more anxious and closed into myself, i overthink it. To stop overthinking for me is near impossible, its something my mind does naturally. If you do it yourself you’ll understand how hard it is to stop once your mind gets going.

I even brought a new portable charger for the trip but my mind is convinced that even with it my battery will go dead and something will happen at home and the first i would know about it would be when i would get back or something happening at home and me having to wait a whole hour trip back on my own with my anxiety and potentially miss something within that hour. The thoughts just keep on coming.

But ill be fine. As much as my mind tries to convince me i wont be i know i’ll be fine.

Have a good day

Sky x

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Someones unhealthy obsession?

I have a question, one that some people could probably relate to where as others may have no idea what im on about.

Have someone ever made it so obvious they hate your guts?

At first i thought it was me overthinking things and then i thought i was being silly and just picking out every single negative thing this person said to me because my brain had me convinced they hated me. Then other people started noticing how cruel said person could get to me, how everything i said would be added with a back comment from them on how stupid that idea was. If i wore something out there then i would be subject to a comment which wouldn’t necessarily be mean but would be said in a spiteful way. I suddenly became the victim of someones hatred and i wish it stopped there.

Granted people have hated me before and some probably still do but this is something more, i feel as though my life is under the watchful eye of this one person, that because they’re unable to control me they do it to everyone else around me. I dont feel comfortable having an opinion around them nor do i feel comfortable expressing any desire for anything because i know there will be a back comment. I mean there view on my life doesn’t really effect me majorly it just makes me feel uncomfortable to be open and with someone like me who isn’t comfortable being open anyway its pushing me back. Im not able to make steps to becoming who i want to be.

I know what you’re thinking, get away from them? If only it was that easy.

I think what bothers me more is that they come across as this semi nice, semi neat person when in fact if you’ve breathed near said person they’ve probably slagged you off but i feel with me its different. I have never said nor done nothing wrong to said person for them to be this way nor have i really shown much interest in them or their life but somehow i seem to be the centre of theirs.

Its like I’ve become their unhealthy obsession.

How do i work around that? How can i possibly make my life more comfortable when i have no way out from this watchful eye? I mean i could move away yes but i need help with most things, god i struggle to go places if it means im going on my own so god forbid what would happen if i moved out.

I just want to be comfortable.

Has anyone else experienced this before?

Have a good day 

Sky x

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