Travelling is a pretty touchy subject with me i mean for the past 3/4 years I’ve put it on the back burner not really bothering to attempt to travel after my failures in the past. Every time i think of travelling somewhere i think of embarrassing myself in front of everyone when i went to tumble or panicking the whole 5 hours to Bath and making myself poorly. My anxiety just doesn’t do well travelling.

So it will probably come as a complete shock that after all those years im planning to travel yet again. To say im nervous would be an understatement, granted this time i wont be travelling to said place on my own ill be with 3 of my best friends but its no less horrendous for my mind. If im being completely honest with myself i do feel different, more confident about it this time but then i do have those moments where i cant even think about it without feeling sick and my body getting this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness. I cant help but picture all those other failed attempts and embarrassments to myself and assume thats whats going to happen this time but they’ll be people there to experience it aswell. No doubt i’ll be completely quiet and probably even spend the middle of the night crying to myself in the bathroom like i usually do before a big plan but i really am determined to go through with it this time and i couldn’t have a better support network with me in doing so.

I think personally my biggest fear is ruining everyone’s day, i dont want the day to revolve around whether i can do it or everyone’s eyes being firmly fixed on me because of my mental illness nor do i want it to seem like im wanting all the attention from it. Yes its a big deal for me to not only get on the train but be at a train station and yes i do want some sort of recognition for finally being able to do something but i dont want it to overshadow the most amazing day we are going to have. I say amazing because i know it will be even if right now my mind is tricking me into thinking about everything that could potentially go wrong whether it be with me as a person or at home when im not here. Im only going for a day, there in the morning back at night but thats a huge step.

I dont want to crack under the pressure of this when the other day i felt perfectly fine about going but i feel as it gets closer i become more anxious and closed into myself, i overthink it. To stop overthinking for me is near impossible, its something my mind does naturally. If you do it yourself you’ll understand how hard it is to stop once your mind gets going.

I even brought a new portable charger for the trip but my mind is convinced that even with it my battery will go dead and something will happen at home and the first i would know about it would be when i would get back or something happening at home and me having to wait a whole hour trip back on my own with my anxiety and potentially miss something within that hour. The thoughts just keep on coming.

But ill be fine. As much as my mind tries to convince me i wont be i know i’ll be fine.

Have a good day

Sky x

Someones unhealthy obsession?

I have a question, one that some people could probably relate to where as others may have no idea what im on about.

Have someone ever made it so obvious they hate your guts?

At first i thought it was me overthinking things and then i thought i was being silly and just picking out every single negative thing this person said to me because my brain had me convinced they hated me. Then other people started noticing how cruel said person could get to me, how everything i said would be added with a back comment from them on how stupid that idea was. If i wore something out there then i would be subject to a comment which wouldn’t necessarily be mean but would be said in a spiteful way. I suddenly became the victim of someones hatred and i wish it stopped there.

Granted people have hated me before and some probably still do but this is something more, i feel as though my life is under the watchful eye of this one person, that because they’re unable to control me they do it to everyone else around me. I dont feel comfortable having an opinion around them nor do i feel comfortable expressing any desire for anything because i know there will be a back comment. I mean there view on my life doesn’t really effect me majorly it just makes me feel uncomfortable to be open and with someone like me who isn’t comfortable being open anyway its pushing me back. Im not able to make steps to becoming who i want to be.

I know what you’re thinking, get away from them? If only it was that easy.

I think what bothers me more is that they come across as this semi nice, semi neat person when in fact if you’ve breathed near said person they’ve probably slagged you off but i feel with me its different. I have never said nor done nothing wrong to said person for them to be this way nor have i really shown much interest in them or their life but somehow i seem to be the centre of theirs.

Its like I’ve become their unhealthy obsession.

How do i work around that? How can i possibly make my life more comfortable when i have no way out from this watchful eye? I mean i could move away yes but i need help with most things, god i struggle to go places if it means im going on my own so god forbid what would happen if i moved out.

I just want to be comfortable.

Has anyone else experienced this before?

Have a good day 

Sky x

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The insecurities that come with my anxiety…

For this blog post i thought i would talk about the insecurities that come along with my anxiety as i feel as though that should be made just as big of an issue as the anxiety is. As it is we aren’t seen as something important or worth while to acknowledge but with the fact hardly anyone around us is truly aware of the causes of anxiety means along with the anxiety comes a hell of a lot more insecurities.

I basically live my life clouded by insecurities and fear. If im not scared of going somewhere im scared of the reactions i might get from some people or the talks that may go on behind my back about my situation or my reaction to something. For example, my anxiety has stopped me travelling plenty of times to the point i just dont bother anymore because i waste so much money on travel and hotels etc only to never use them because i become too scared last minute and i suppose you could say i chicken out. This means if i made plans with someone they get extremely upset and angry about it and i cant help but feel as though they despise me in some way even though they are aware of my situation. The issue is, some of you may just be thinking well why dont i say no, im too paranoid. I can physically not say no to someone through the fear of being judged in some way and made out to be a weakling, i assume this is something that i have gotten from my childhood as i was always seen as the weakling and the person that everyone would take the mick out of if i said no. So im left in a problem, i know i probably wont be able to force myself to go when the event pops up but i become anxious in the idea of their reaction when i say no.

It effects me massively because then i say no or i muck people around so much that i become a talking point and they just dont bother asking me anymore, instead they take the mick out of my situation and it hurts me beyond belief and they are so unaware because to them its funny how i am unable to get on any transport. I must say i do have some amazing friends who are well aware of my situation and are 100% supportive constantly and would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, nor would they push me beyond what they thought would stress me out. There’s just those people that dont quite understand the severity. Its not just failing to turn up to me, its panic, guilt, exhaustion and a whole week of trying to get my body to properly recover from something that i am aware is nothing.

Obviously the loss of experience and just being able to have those memories is something that is quite damaging because even though it seems silly, i have nothing that i could possibly share from what i have experienced so far in my life. Im stuck in an everyday routine too scared to even leave my town meaning there is no new memories that i share with anyone that stands out and when it comes to a conversation with a group of people and they’re on about something i was unable to go to due to my anxiety, it really hurts. I mean they arent aware because they’re just reminiscing on good times but it makes me feel beyond pathetic that i missed out on those memories because i was too scared to be able to do something to get there.

Relationships are a main factor in life especially if like me your main goal is to one day settle down with a nice family. With anxiety its very rare that i have the courage to approach someone or even talk to them as the thought just petrifies me. I just assume that as soon as they find out the littlest detail about me it will turn beyond tragedy or even that they dont have any connection with me whatsoever and they’re just doing it as a joke for a group chat. So it never happens meaning i NEVER speak to anyone new nor do i go and meet anyone because i am too anxious and beside myself with panic that i cant even think about it. Everything that could possibly go wrong works its way clockwise in my brain until its blocking the pathway so nothing else is able to work itself in.

If im honest with you i could go on forever about the insecurities that my anxiety brings. The way it effects my life even when its not present which i must admit lately is just about never. The way im unable to allow myself to do things or freely speak my mind without feeling anxious about the outcome of what one might say.

As i mentioned earlier on in this post something that has helped me cope lately is my friends. Where i live i have some amazing friends, some ive known forever and some that i have only recently met but they are AMAZING. I feel as though they properly understand what im going through and they go over absolutely everything in order to make sure i dont feel as anxious at events. I remember once i was at a party with them and my anxiety was beyond sky high so i ended up just sitting there on the verge of tears and almost immediately they sensed something was wrong and took me in another room. Its comforting to know that even though in this crazy world of people that have absolutely no clue what my brain is like that there are these small amounts of precious people that take time out of their busy lifes to understand and make life abit easier for me. I must admit i do feel less anxious about things around them and i do feel as though i can do more with their support around me but i’ll let you know in July how true that is!

Have a good day

Sky x

UK Statistics

As someone who suffers with several mental illnesses i feel wounded when i see someone talk about it in such a lighthearted way, as if its treated perfectly fine and we get everything we need to progress within ourselves. It makes me feel as though we arent being taken serious enough nor are we really being as much of a statement as physical injuries. I feel as though if mental health was taught in schools and the audience of understanding was made wider then there will be alot more understanding about it. So i decided to do a different post today, a more informative one. Did you know?

  • Among teenagers the rates of depression and anxiety have increased by 70% over the last 25 years
  • The number of children and young people who have been sent to A and E with a psychiatric condition has more then doubled since 2009? The last recorded number being in 2014 which topped at almost 18 thousand people.
  • Childline released statistics in late 2014 showing that in that year alone they held 35 thousand counselling sessions with children who talked about suicide which is a 116% increase since 2011.
  • 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year the main ones being mixed anxiety and depression, anxiety, depression, OCD, post traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, phobias and panic disorder.
  • The UK invests £115 million per year on mental health research,which may i add is decreasing massively every year, Mental health receives 5.5% of the UK health research money. This meaning there is a mere budget of £9.95 spent on each individual person affected by mental health problems which has probably decreased since the last statistics were released.
  • In the year changing from 2014 to 2015 the number of people getting in touch with mental health and disability services hit a high at nearly 2 million.
  • The mental health act was used nearly 60,000 times in 2014/15 to detain people which was shown as the highest ever increase at 10%
  • in 2014/15 there was near 4,000 inpatient admissions under the child and adolescent psychiatry speciality, half of which were noted down as an emergency.

I would like to add that not only could this be inaccurate since as it was last updated there has probably been a large increase in the numbers but we also have to take in mind those people who suffer in the dark, who are either too frightened to come forward about it or those people who are turned away. I am aware that a doctor having a list and symptoms is a way of knuckling down on the amount of people they admit to help what with low funding but i feel as though its downright wrong that you have to fit a certain criteria and get to a certain level of dangerous before they offer you the help you may be entitled too. I feel as though it should be treated in the same respect as a physical injury. Get a solution or help before it gets worse and somewhat incurable.

If you are reading this and are one of those people that go around posting funny things about mental health or you do those chain posts or especially people who will say they are depressed because they didn’t get what they wanted or they have chronic anxiety because they were momentarily nervous about something they needed to do. Please please please take us into consideration, we are not taken seriously as it is, nor are we given the correct equipment to help us get anywhere near where we need to be. I know to you it may seem as though its silly but to us its something we are extremely passionate about, something that effects us constantly and to be put in a category that is made fun out of constantly or used as the punch line of a joke is degrading to what we are trying to achieve.

Search the web, read a book, become more informed about mental health and inform others, it can go a long way.

Have a good day

Sky x

Anxiety around a sickness bug?

My first post after my birthday i had originally planned to be about being 20 and how i have grown but something has come to my attention these past couple of days that i haven’t experienced before and as my entire blog is dedicated to the situations i have to face with my mental health i felt like it was only right to make a blog post talking about it.

Now if you have a young child you may have heard about the sickness bug going round, my youngest niece caught it and we didn’t think much of it what with her being the one who seems to get ill quite alot we just gave he loads of kisses and sent her to cuddle with mummy however with my eldest niece its a different story. Olivia’s hardly ever sick, i mean granted she seems to constantly have a runny nose but in the terms of an illness she doesn’t really have a problem, shes a healthy and bright little girl.

This situation started on Monday, the day after my birthday, Olivia stayed the night which is a usual occurrence as people who know me personally will realise i have Olivia quite alot. That entire day she was her happy self, running around playing with her toys and being the general cheeky madam she is and she went to bed as normal. At quarter to 12 that night i was called by my mum with Olivia crying out for me, she had thrown up and suddenly become very hot. This was strange for us as we had known about the stomach bug but as Olivia was so well during the day it was sort of out of the blue. I wont go into detail about that night because if im honest with you it was horrible and the most petrifying night of my life and probably the scariest night for poor Olivia bless her soul who didn’t like being poorly one bit.

The one thing i did notice about that night however is how anxious i got, now in the general sickness area im pretty alright, i dont have a fear of being sick or a fear involving the look or smell. Having had loads of encounters with sick in my life what with my mums illness and her being sick almost every other week since i was younger it was sort of like a ‘oh sick’ situation. This time was different, i was trying to stay strong but i was sweating, my hands were uncontrollably shaking and i just couldn’t stop talking, whether that was out of nervousness or what i dont know but i was thinking every little scenario in my head and muttering out. That night i didn’t sleep, i sat and pretty much stared at Olivia the entire night, freaking out at the littlest sound she made or jumping up when she moved to get comfy and i didn’t understand it. I had never been this way before and granted it was a scary situation but i thought i would get over it like any other.

But here i am sitting and writing this exactly 24 hours after she threw up and im still as anxious and petrified as i was when it happened. I haven’t stopped shaking nor have i stopped the horrible thoughts and events of that going through my head and granted to some of you i could be going completely over the top but what you have to remember is i have never experienced this before so it was beyond petrifying.

Today she has eaten a few yogurts and some bread and to be honest with you i doubt i will sleep tonight. Im beyond petrified even when shes happy and seems a hell of alot better, her temperatures down and she seems back to her normal self but what with her being that way yesterday during the day i cant help but think it may happen again tonight, fingers crossed it doesn’t please.

Im not sure how to handle this as it is quite possibly the longest anxiety attack i have ever had and absolutely nothing is calming me down. I’ve tried all the usual and absolutely no luck. Im just very confused about the whole situation and the way my body has acted towards it. If im honest with you im exhausted, not from staying up all night but from the anxiety that has taken over my body. This is probably the first event where i dont have an answer for it, im as confused as anyone else. I have never ever experienced such anxiety so strong and bad and for so long before and i hope i dont ever again. Im hoping eventually it will fizz out like normal but that could be days from now, i’ll keep you posted and let you know eventually when i feel back to my usual self, if thats possible.

Have a good day

Sky x

Anxiety around Children…

Before i get in depth about this blog post i would like to just note here that i am in no way a parent, not legally or biologically. I am an auntie, i mean im sure if you speak to some of my family members they may disagree on that matter but thats a whole load of drama for another time, this blog post is simply the things i experience with my anxiety whilst my nieces are in my care.

For as long as i can remember i have been a very big part of my eldest nieces life. Her coming to stay at our house from a very young age meant mine are her bond grew to be something quite special. As she was growing up obviously you have the initial panicking everyone has when theres a baby around. Constantly checking if shes breathing when she seemed to sleep even a couple minutes longer, the fear of her putting something dangerous in her mouth or simply just the standard fear of her bumping her head when she finally got into the stages of exploring and my god Olivia has done it all.

When Olivia-May was first born i was so anxious to hold her or even pick her up as i never really knew how you was correctly meant to hold a baby and right until i knew she was able to hold her own head up i tried to avoid it, unless that is however someone passed her to me  and i was sitting down. I like to think I’ve become less anxious when holding babies as when my second niece Ellie came along i picked her up and carried her around no problem and she was ALOT smaller then Olivia.

Another thing that caused me to nearly call an ambulance quite often is the eye rolling, and again bare in mind i had no experience with or around children prior to my nieces. Its something that im still not able to handle. I have been told that babies when they’re first born dont have particularly good control of their eyes so some may roll alot where others may be pretty relaxed so i do understand the concept of it but for me personally i panic every time.

Even noises or funny movements. For example my eldest niece Olivia-May who will be 4 in August has this new thing where if shes excited, annoyed or just angry shes shake her body in a fit like manner and it PETRIFIES me. Im unsure where she suddenly picked it up from but as an adult its something i wish she never. I mean granted im happy in the sense there is nothing wrong when she does do it but my mind goes crazy and every time im petrified that its not her doing it and there is something wrong but at that age they eventually grow out of things and this is one of those things im hoping she grows out of soon.

With my eldest niece Olivia we didn’t really have that big a problem with her putting small objects in her mouth as she was quite attached to her dummy so she never really put anything that was dangerous in her mouth, that i can recall anyway but my youngest niece doesn’t have a dummy, never has and doesn’t really give them the time of day which means at any given advantage she will put ANYTHING in her mouth. Like you know when you’re sitting playing bricks after dinner and she picks something up and puts it in her mouth, i have that panic every time until its either out her mouth or we realise its nothing but abit of dinner shes dropped. Trust me that kid can eat.

Reading through these i like to think they’re quite normal things to be anxious about around children and they are. I mean i do have the odd moment when i become anxious thinking about what situation might be unfolding but thats not talk for such a public writing platform.

So all in all i dont think i get anymore anxious then a normal person around children, if im honest i feel like im alot more relaxed in the sense they dont take anything seriously, you can never do wrong in a kids eye and you never have any expectations from them to do anything, i mean i do spoil them both quite alot but i dont feel like i have to constantly be on edge around them in the way i would be in an adult situation. If anything they help my anxiety which is probably a good thing with the amount of time i spend looking after them. In all honesty it could become completely different the day i become a mother to my own kids and i could look back on this blog post wishing it was all this easy but that isn’t for at least another couple of years so for now i think i can rest a little.

Have a good day

Sky x

My favourite Christmas treat recipe….

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As you’ve probably seen me write about quite alot already in my blog posts me and my family are quite the keen bakers, i am no way saying we’re any good at it because half the time we completely give up on the recipe and create our own style or just go by hand. I mean we like to be creative with the things we make so often we will add different sorts of flavors in the recipe to see if it makes any different or whether the taste is something we like or dislike.

Something we do make every year is of course mince pies which is odd in our house as we dont make them until Christmas eve this meaning we dont usually eat them over the December period and plus my dad isn’t keen on mince pies anyway. However we still make them every year and we always go overboard so there is always enough to go around.

We make the pastry from scratch, our pastry of choice being sweet pastry as thats just something we prefer. We use an old recipe book that has been in our family for quite a while ‘Classic Cakes by Barbara Maher’ I found a link to buy it on Ebay! Click here to view it!

Now for sweet shortcrust pastry you are going to need:

  • 6oz/170g Plain flour
  • Pinch of salt
  • 4oz/110g butter, chilled and cubed
  • 1oz/25g caster sugar
  • 1 egg, lightly whisked
  • 2 tablespoons of water (if needed)

Depending on how many we plan to make we usually double the ingredients just because it will take up less room in the fridge when it needs to be chilled plus we wont be mucking around making loads of different batches of pastry all day.

Sift the flour and salt into a large bowl; drop in the pieces of butter and using your fingertips lightly rub the butter with the flour until it becomes that of a bread crumb texture. Fork in the caster sugar, 1 egg and if the mixture seems too dry add in a tablespoon of the water. Lightly mix all the ingredients into a smooth pastry. If the pastry seems very dry add the remaining tablespoon of water. The texture of the pastry should be soft but should not be sticky. We have found that 90% of the time the water isn’t needed as the pastry is naturally quite sticky but with the kneading the pastry and adding abit extra flour it tends to become more of a soft dough.

If you dont know what kneading it, it is where you work with the pastry with the heel of your hand and you blend it by pushing it away from you, remember though it is always best to have a little flour on the side before you do this to prevent any sticking or any struggle getting it off.

Now this is where me and my dad makes everything a little different as in the book is says to wrap closely in cling film and chill for 30 minutes. Now as we make double in one time and it usually takes up the half of the day we have free we put the lot in the fridge for the night as the very first year we tried it we felt like 30 minutes didn’t feel enough. Now we arent professionals in anyway we just go by what we feel is right at that time and this has worked for us for years.

Before you kneed the dough you can add extra flavours in it. Last year me and my dad experimented with cinnamon and honestly it tasted so much better with the mince pie filling and gave it that extra little kick of Christmas it was great! I must advice though as cinnamon can be quite strong start with little amounts and build up.

As all this preparation is made on the day before Christmas eve it means when Christmas eve comes we are able to get straight to the baking.

For the mince pies we dont really make the filling from scratch usually because its much easier to buy jars of it plus we dont really have a recipe that we could use. We buy at least 4 big jars of the filling mainly because my brother is an absolute pig. Lets leave that sentence there.

So whilst my mum and usually my brother as even though he doesn’t live with us anymore he still comes down for the Christmas period, go out and buy the fresh fruit etc that we need for Christmas day me and my dad basically convert the dining room into an extra kitchen. As he uses cutters to measure out the pastry or even last time he had to use the top of our sugar tin as there wasn’t a cutter big enough for what we needed. So whilst he cut out the pastry i buttered the cupcake tins we use so they wouldn’t stick and then wold proceed to open the mince jars and put roughly 1 and a half table spoons in. We did this for every one then eventually once they were all filled we cut the lids out and just simply used an egg brush to put water around the edges to help the lid stick.

To cook them we simply put them on 190 for 10 minutes then we turn the tray around and cook for a further 10 minutes. Then ENJOY.

Dont forget to follow my blog as every day up until Christmas i will be posting a blog post!! 

Have a good day

Sky x

 BLOGMAS LINKS.

December 1st: 24 Days Leading Up To Christmas

December 2nd: Giving At Christmas

December 3rd: Santa Claus was in my living room?

December 4th: Anxiety at Christmas…

December 5th: Christmas Decorating…