Travelling is a pretty touchy subject with me i mean for the past 3/4 years I’ve put it on the back burner not really bothering to attempt to travel after my failures in the past. Every time i think of travelling somewhere i think of embarrassing myself in front of everyone when i went to tumble or panicking the whole 5 hours to Bath and making myself poorly. My anxiety just doesn’t do well travelling.

So it will probably come as a complete shock that after all those years im planning to travel yet again. To say im nervous would be an understatement, granted this time i wont be travelling to said place on my own ill be with 3 of my best friends but its no less horrendous for my mind. If im being completely honest with myself i do feel different, more confident about it this time but then i do have those moments where i cant even think about it without feeling sick and my body getting this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness. I cant help but picture all those other failed attempts and embarrassments to myself and assume thats whats going to happen this time but they’ll be people there to experience it aswell. No doubt i’ll be completely quiet and probably even spend the middle of the night crying to myself in the bathroom like i usually do before a big plan but i really am determined to go through with it this time and i couldn’t have a better support network with me in doing so.

I think personally my biggest fear is ruining everyone’s day, i dont want the day to revolve around whether i can do it or everyone’s eyes being firmly fixed on me because of my mental illness nor do i want it to seem like im wanting all the attention from it. Yes its a big deal for me to not only get on the train but be at a train station and yes i do want some sort of recognition for finally being able to do something but i dont want it to overshadow the most amazing day we are going to have. I say amazing because i know it will be even if right now my mind is tricking me into thinking about everything that could potentially go wrong whether it be with me as a person or at home when im not here. Im only going for a day, there in the morning back at night but thats a huge step.

I dont want to crack under the pressure of this when the other day i felt perfectly fine about going but i feel as it gets closer i become more anxious and closed into myself, i overthink it. To stop overthinking for me is near impossible, its something my mind does naturally. If you do it yourself you’ll understand how hard it is to stop once your mind gets going.

I even brought a new portable charger for the trip but my mind is convinced that even with it my battery will go dead and something will happen at home and the first i would know about it would be when i would get back or something happening at home and me having to wait a whole hour trip back on my own with my anxiety and potentially miss something within that hour. The thoughts just keep on coming.

But ill be fine. As much as my mind tries to convince me i wont be i know i’ll be fine.

Have a good day

Sky x

Manic Monday?

Im not entirely sure how to start this blog post, i thought i would do a blog post on a typical day for me and obviously that was going to be a Monday as thats my most productive day usually but my god i wasn’t ready for what this week wanted to throw at me and quite frankly means that instead this blog post is not going to be about a typical day for me. In fact its going to be about a Monday filled with chaos and everything else in between.

Monday morning came and granted we already knew before hand it would be hectic what with Olivia-May coming up in a rash that we wasn’t entirely sure of and a vet appointment for my dog at 9:10 it was pretty much a rush from the moment we woke up.

We called the doctors first thing like we were told to do because we weren’t sure if it was chicken pox or a normal rash and if im quite honest with you we just needed some advice, we were on the line for near enough an hour and 10 minutes waiting to speak to someone only to be told they couldn’t see her at the doctors and we had to go see a pharmacist which ok i get that, if it is chicken pox it would be somewhat pointless going to the doctors but we were never sure. Obviously because we were on the phone since half 8 waiting to spring up there at any moment we missed my dogs vet appointment which she needed more then anything so we had to rush to book that too which thankfully they had a free that day.

Anyway we took Olivia out, against our own will because she was very clammy and i honestly just wanted her to stay home, but we were advised to take her to a pharmacist and when we did we were just hit with the ‘that looks like its got an infection’ with no other advice on what to do? So yet another waste of time in my eyes. In the midst of all this we had to get my brother to meet us with my dog as it was near her vet time and we just didn’t have the time to walk all the way back home and get her. Then we ended up being late for the vet appointment YET AGAIN. Thankfully only happened to be a couple of minutes and as the vets was running late the woman said it was perfectly fine.

Then we get on the second situation of the day, my dog. Now we’ve had Bow for coming up to 3 and a half years and for the last two years from May to October shes needed medication because last year we were told by the vet that she is allergic to something in those months, or summer as he put it. I was then told by a different vet that it was actually an allergic reaction and i could pay £500 to get an allergy test that could potentially come up as just pollen and still have to fork out over £150 every fortnight or it could be something else and they would have a vaccine for it. Now hes pretty sure its to do with the pollen and there is nothing but medication for her but part of me is like what if it isn’t?? Do i fork out the £500 and it potentially be wasted or not?? Probably didn’t help her case that she was knee deep in dirt, unsure why? She looked like my brother took her for a walk in loads of fields bless her!

Now when i got back i was pretty happy to go back home and relax, the stressful morning becoming abit too much to handle. Did i get to relax? I wish i did.

That afternoon we had to call 999 because my dad was taken ill. He’s ok and resting at home, thankfully but something just went wrong. He became all hot, he found it hard to breath. Maybe because of his SVT or COPD we dont know but the paramedic we got was quite rude. Another struggle is that now my dad not only has breathing problems but his foot has some unknown issue that yet again we are unsure of (this seems to be a regular occurrence with my parents) One day it just suddenly started hurting and now its blue, swollen and unbearably painful to touch but thats an issue with another hospital appointment.

I would stop my blog post there because that was all the drama for that day, in fact i felt like i was someone calm in handling the whole situation especially as Olivia was awake that time and the last time something happened she was all snug in bed. She loved it however, learning all about the body and even calling me fat in front of the paramedics, thanks baby.

Its Wednesday today. My mums become ill after only just getting somewhat better on the 5th May, my dads ill and im constantly alert, Olivia has Chicken Pox and my dog has to take tablets for some sort of allergy i just feel overwhelmed. I feel like life is throwing everything at me at this point in time and im scared of what it will throw at me net. Im becoming so poorly myself from all the stress but i know i have to carry on because im the only one well enough to do so.

Im scared.

Have a good day 

Sky x

Have you taken your tablets today?

Pretty frequent question right?

I mean anyone with true concern will probably ask you during the day whether you have taken the tablets you got given in a bid to make you somewhat better and thats perfectly normal.

Imagine instead of asking out of concern, it randomly pops up in a conversation and they only bring it up because you become somewhat irate, they only bother to ask about your medication when your attitude becomes different and you become a shell of yourself around a scary situation? I can tell you from the view of someone it happens to VERY often that its demoralizing.  Im aware to other people this may seem a silly subject and maybe people who have to take medication may be wondering what the hell i am on about but if im being honest. I have taken medication for my mental health for YEARS. Its something i lean on, something that brings some sort of comfort to the fact that i will be less on edge then what i would usually be without them so when someone asks if I’ve taken them it makes me automatically think im acting out of character for what is seen as normal, it makes me feel like either they are no longer working or in fact im too messed up for them to make a difference anymore. I become on edge for the rest of the day, its not a momentary thing that you can laugh and shrug off when i ask why and you reply ‘just wondering’. It sticks with us ALL day.

I admit some days i do in fact forget to take my medication, weirdly taking them for so long has had no effect on my memory of taking them because im just as useless at remembering as i was in the beginning. Luckily I’ve never really had to experience properly going without them since taking them (thanks mum!) but i am aware that in the future there may be a day that i go without them completely whether that be by choice or just because i simply forget to take them all together and the thought of how this one question could effect me then had me thinking.

You see with some medication it is completely up to you what you do with them, last time i had my medication reviewed i was unable to go any higher with them as for my age i was at the highest that they deemed safe which means when i feel as though the effect of this medication isn’t as effective anymore i have to decide whether to carry on with them or try and go without them and again go through counselling. I could NOT hear that question at any point in that whole timeline. I could not cope with the idea that whilst i am trying to overcome a certain obstacle that i must not have taken them because i seem more out of place then normal. It plays on my mind now when im more then aware of what my mood may be and i know how scary and how up and down that time of your life can be. I was in that time of my life only 3/4 years ago. I personally went through it and even though i was lucky enough to not be asked that question i know if i did i would have probably lost it all together. Even now it makes me angry. We could be absolutely anywhere but you ask me that question and i lose it, good mood or bad mood i will lose it. I hate the question with a passion. I hate the feelings that come along with the question and i hate the guilt of constantly feeling like im doing something wrong or walking on egg shells because of it.

Asking if im okay is perfect. Asking whether im okay is in fact 100% the right way to go about it. Ask me okay until im blue in the face replying to it. Just never ask me if i have taken my tablets today.

Have a good day 

Sky x

Does my anxiety scare me?

Yes.

My anxiety has always scared me and it probably always will. To have an anxiety attack is a situation i wouldn’t ask on anyone, its damaging. The idea of never being able to go to a place because just the thought of it brings that feeling to the pit of your stomach. The fact that you’re aware it could pop up at any second so you’re always on edge when making plans because you know how big of a chance there is for it to just appear and you dont want to be viewed as the ‘dickhead’ because thats what you see yourself as. My mental health causes such bad thoughts because it makes me feel silly, stupid and like some sort of joke. I mean im more then aware now of how it effects me and how much of the time its my mental health talking but theres always them times when i sit there and just think about how much better my life could be.

Im scared on how much it will effect my future especially when its effected my past so much already. Its like this unwanted bubble around everyone, people are scared of the words ‘mental health’ so when hearing it they do nothing but run a mile. I’ve become used to it. I mean i used to view things as damaging because it wouldn’t make me feel any better then i already did but growing up I’ve come to realise its just a part of life and i cant be angry at people for being scared of it when to be fair theres no education surrounding it so how would they get the chance understand it.

In all fairness i probably completely overthink scenarios in my head and assume them to be the worst and thats probably why they are, or why i chicken out of things last moment but its something my mind will do and over the years I’ve had such a battle with it that i often give up and let it take control because its so much easier and less energy demanding then fighting it. I am in no way saying i do that all the time because if im honest i probably wouldn’t be where i am today, especially in my family anyway. I must admit lately i do feel as though im getting alot better in myself mood wise.

My anxiety hasn’t changed and I’ve come to the realisation that instead of trying to overcome it i just need to try and manage it and i feel as though this thought path has completely lifted my spirit in things. I have plans coming up in the future that i probably never would of planned but the idea that i have such an amazing support network of friends behind me i want to give them ago. Even though the idea is beyond petrifying me now even when its not until July but thats something i have to learn to live with.

I think what scares me more then the anxiety itself is how its going to plan out my future. Im petrified of finding no one that understands to then be left in this bubble by myself and regretting going down the path of managing it, im scared that i will constantly be seen as this unstable girl that shouldn’t be allowed the time of day for anything because of the damage my past has had.

In an ideal world i would like people to suddenly understand mental health better, get on board and maybe we wont feel as though we’ve taken a step back and been viewed in almost a shadowed light. Wishes for the future i guess.

Have a good day 

Sky x

I now have a blog facebook page that i would love if you could head on over and like. Its where i will post anything blog related or anything that i feel would help in any way! Thanks in advance! https://www.facebook.com/Skylouiseblu/

 

A year of blogging!!

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This week officially marked a year of me blogging which to me seems crazy. I remember i had set my blog up at least a year before i officially started posting but was too scared of what people thought about the things i wrote, seems silly now thinking back to it but to me it was a big step in letting the world know something about me that i hadn’t quite gotten my head around myself yet.

Right from the beginning my blog was always about my mental health and in some ways it was too personal but it was something i wanted. I was either going to put my all into it or nothing, i wasn’t going to be half hearted. I mean im aware to some people i may still post things too personal online and thats okay because im aware everyone has their own opinions on what should be posted and kept private however this is to help other people and if putting myself out there more then i normally would helps someone then im completely up for that.

This year i haven’t really strayed too far from what i know in blogging, I’ve kept it pretty simple and i did try and follow the crowd in some respect but i later realised that isn’t where i want to go, i want to stay grounded and pretty back to basics with my blog. A long with my blog growing so have i, I’ve become stronger as a person and my mental heath isn’t quite the state it was so long ago, granted I’ve hit some major stumps along the way and my life has been anything but smooth this past year, thats the journey of life i suppose.

I thank everyone who has read my blog since I’ve started writing it and i thank everyone who has joined in on my journey since. Nothing makes me happier then knowing someone is enjoying reading what i write and maybe even benefiting from it.

Here’s to the next year!

Have a good day

Sky x

Anxiety around a sickness bug?

My first post after my birthday i had originally planned to be about being 20 and how i have grown but something has come to my attention these past couple of days that i haven’t experienced before and as my entire blog is dedicated to the situations i have to face with my mental health i felt like it was only right to make a blog post talking about it.

Now if you have a young child you may have heard about the sickness bug going round, my youngest niece caught it and we didn’t think much of it what with her being the one who seems to get ill quite alot we just gave he loads of kisses and sent her to cuddle with mummy however with my eldest niece its a different story. Olivia’s hardly ever sick, i mean granted she seems to constantly have a runny nose but in the terms of an illness she doesn’t really have a problem, shes a healthy and bright little girl.

This situation started on Monday, the day after my birthday, Olivia stayed the night which is a usual occurrence as people who know me personally will realise i have Olivia quite alot. That entire day she was her happy self, running around playing with her toys and being the general cheeky madam she is and she went to bed as normal. At quarter to 12 that night i was called by my mum with Olivia crying out for me, she had thrown up and suddenly become very hot. This was strange for us as we had known about the stomach bug but as Olivia was so well during the day it was sort of out of the blue. I wont go into detail about that night because if im honest with you it was horrible and the most petrifying night of my life and probably the scariest night for poor Olivia bless her soul who didn’t like being poorly one bit.

The one thing i did notice about that night however is how anxious i got, now in the general sickness area im pretty alright, i dont have a fear of being sick or a fear involving the look or smell. Having had loads of encounters with sick in my life what with my mums illness and her being sick almost every other week since i was younger it was sort of like a ‘oh sick’ situation. This time was different, i was trying to stay strong but i was sweating, my hands were uncontrollably shaking and i just couldn’t stop talking, whether that was out of nervousness or what i dont know but i was thinking every little scenario in my head and muttering out. That night i didn’t sleep, i sat and pretty much stared at Olivia the entire night, freaking out at the littlest sound she made or jumping up when she moved to get comfy and i didn’t understand it. I had never been this way before and granted it was a scary situation but i thought i would get over it like any other.

But here i am sitting and writing this exactly 24 hours after she threw up and im still as anxious and petrified as i was when it happened. I haven’t stopped shaking nor have i stopped the horrible thoughts and events of that going through my head and granted to some of you i could be going completely over the top but what you have to remember is i have never experienced this before so it was beyond petrifying.

Today she has eaten a few yogurts and some bread and to be honest with you i doubt i will sleep tonight. Im beyond petrified even when shes happy and seems a hell of alot better, her temperatures down and she seems back to her normal self but what with her being that way yesterday during the day i cant help but think it may happen again tonight, fingers crossed it doesn’t please.

Im not sure how to handle this as it is quite possibly the longest anxiety attack i have ever had and absolutely nothing is calming me down. I’ve tried all the usual and absolutely no luck. Im just very confused about the whole situation and the way my body has acted towards it. If im honest with you im exhausted, not from staying up all night but from the anxiety that has taken over my body. This is probably the first event where i dont have an answer for it, im as confused as anyone else. I have never ever experienced such anxiety so strong and bad and for so long before and i hope i dont ever again. Im hoping eventually it will fizz out like normal but that could be days from now, i’ll keep you posted and let you know eventually when i feel back to my usual self, if thats possible.

Have a good day

Sky x

Alicia Simpkins

https://iamaliciarenee.wordpress.com/

https://twitter.com/_aliciaaarenee

There was a girl who was 16. She lost a good friend, her grades slipped, her relationships suffered, and she was thrust into a new environment with new peers and new sounds, feeling lost and scared, wondering what she was meant to do when everything that was familiar was now a thing of the past. She no longer enjoyed the sports and activities that once gave her so much joy and put the sparkle in her eye. Her eating habits changed. She became irritable; isolating herself from those who cared about her. Darkness closed in around her heart and mind.

That 16 year old girl was me.

My mid to late teenage years were a rough time for me. Depression piled on me like a ton of bricks, and for a long time, I saw no way out. For a good couple of years, each attempt to reclaim my life and fight back against my depression was difficult, the chains often held me down and often found myself back at square one. I had no idea what to do or where to go or who to turn two. Two counselors hardly cared anything about me; my will to carry on slowly diminished.

Then, after I turned 18, I decided that it was time for an all or nothing attempt. I touched base with a new counselor, and I began to write. And I wrote and wrote and wrote. I emptied so many feelings that had been buried deep inside of me, I cried it out. I stood up, I looked myself in the mirror everyday, and I would say something positive. I even started leaving myself positive notes around my notebooks and throughout my room. Anything to start changing my mindset.

And I did.

Everyday I tried to strive for the best. I began to talk about the dreams I had. I began to take in all the little things in life – the green grass, the blue or grey skies, even the different colors of the flowers. I focused my energy into writing and into my dreams, deciding that one day I would make a difference one step at a time.

It’s been a few years now and sometimes, I have rough days – but that’s okay. I try to remember that the sun will shine again, we just have to hold out for some silver in the clouds. What I want to say to anyone here; please don’t hesitate to ask for help. Please don’t hesitate to use your voice. There are so many options available for you.

And remember that you are brave, you are honest, you are strong, you are beautiful.

YOU WILL WIN.