Some of you may or may not know this year I turned 21, it also happened to be 6 years since i decided to leave at the beginning of year 11, with no GCSEs, no friends and absolutely no sense of who i was as a person. This blog post has the potential to bother a lot of people which is fine, everyone has a right to their own opinion on situations they see and read and im fine with that, everyone interprets a situation differently.
I don’t hide that growing up I was a very emotionally unstable child, not in a worrying state but i just cried a lot, which led on to alot of bullying in secondary school. If anyone from that school happens to read this, i doubt they would but if you see something you did please note i am writing this as my final part of healing and moving on, i forgive everyone who picked on me mainly for my mental state what with the lack of education on it there was when i was at school, i just hope that now your age has grown so have you.
I remember being embarrassed in front of my entire maths class for someone not wanting me to be in their group, yes it probably effected me more than it should have but when you have a class of around 30 all sitting in their groups and a boy shouts in front of them all that he’d do anything to not have you in his group for no reason other than who you were, that’s upsetting. In fact I did nothing the rest of that maths lesson other then sit on the floor and try to hide merely because i felt like that was the talk of the lesson at that point meaning i was everyone’s main focus and thats something i HATE.
I remember having the mick taken out of me if my hair bun was a little too high or looked a weird shape which obviously happened a lot what with how long my hair has always been. It got to the point that I never wore my hair in a bun to school because i was so self conscious about what people may think of it.
Being targeted for a whole year by an english teacher and having people tell you the little comments she may say about you because you were never in but her not truly understanding the reason of why you weren’t there.
The sly comments that would be made to me, by not even the popular people. Just general people in my year, one I remember clearly for reasons i don’t really know is a girl i happened to class as one of my friends told someone not to play a joke on me because i would cry and it hurt more the fact she didn’t understand the reason behind why i cried then the fact that she was a friend to me.
Obviously through school there was a lot of remarks and happenings because it’s a secondary school and I don’t really think anyone goes through them smooth sailing. I’m in no way saying i was some perfect person of course there was things that i done in school that weren’t very nice. Merely for the reason of needing to fit in and actually have friends in an environment i felt so uncomfortable in. However i never felt like i pushed the boundaries on being horrid. Again as i said im not justifying some of the remarks i made and i sincerely apologise for them.
However in year 10 and the weeks i was in year 11 and the summer holiday in between things got extremely difficult for not only me but my family too. Now i felt like i had a solid group of friends but we were mainly a group of girls which is a whole bunch of trouble within itself. There was a lot of arguments, A LOT , but i loved them like family. This is where it involves people who probably hope for the best that this doesn’t come up but as i said this is a way of me to finally be able to get it out.
As I was suffering from bad mental health i wasnt attending school very much but i managed to always catch up with my friends at a youth club we used to go too on certain days and we had made friends with people at that youth club aswell, now certain accusations were made in which caused serious consequences and arguments and on another week, which i was not there nor at school because i in fact had a cold there was an altercation in which a fight happened, now again i made comments on this at the time which i was not proud of which i suppose made me involved in the whole situation. That was then brought to the school and what with my small attendance as it was i felt like i was struggling to know the things i needed for my exams so it wasnt helped by the fact that the school continuously pulled me out of the lessons i really needed help in, science being the main one which obviously caused more stress onto the stress i was feeling. Somehow everything was then piled on me and i felt cornered in which i was being attacked from all the teachers especially when an email was sent out to all the teachers that i had to be kept away from the certain individual because i was a bully. Obviously my parents were not very happy with the fact i had this label now on me for false reasons then emailed the school to show their concerns on why i was suddenly the main event in this whole situation and being called things i wasnt, resulted in the next day me being yet again pulled to the office, at this point they should have just got me my own desk.
Wishful thinking would for me to have it stopped there because I was just completely done with it, i had not even been within a mile of the place where this incident happened yet i was the only one in the firing line. We were getting drunk people knocking on our doors and having ago, my mum being called a bad mother by other mothers and teachers also and then being accused of following people home. I’m not stranger to that accusation to be honest but i walk one way home, always have and always will and the two people who accused me of following them home i had to go past their houses to in fact get to my house. But again im not here to justify or cause arguments all over again about the past because that’s what it is im just merely explaining the run up as to what made the decision of leaving school an easy one.
Then one day I had gone to school and yet again been pulled out of science, i was fine with this because let’s be honest i was used to it by now. In this incident a particular teacher called my mum a bad mother. I would like to say my mum has been ill pretty much all of my life but she has always made sure shed done what she feels she needs to do and she’s been the most amazing mother, also people saying otherwise gets me extremely angry. The only emotion my body seems to know even when im angry is to cry. I went back to science completely zoned out and just sat there the entire rest of the lesson doing nothing so again missing out on even more of what i needed to learn. It then got to break time and i called my mum saying i needed to come home. I couldn’t stand being in this environment any longer and i couldnt stand feeling like this when i was already having a hard time as it was. Thankfully my parents allowed me to come home whereas the school didn’t. That’s probably the first time i ever walked out of school without permission from a teacher and it also happened to be the last time i walked out of school full stop.
I had become so mentally drained by the years of such a bad school environment mixed with the sudden rush of what the last couple of weeks had brought I just wanted to hide away and never show my face again. Obviously the school had tried to convince my parents to force me to go back to school but i think at this point both of my parents had become so tired of what was happening and so aware of how bad my health is they just said if she doesn’t want to go to school then she doesnt go and i am forever thankful that they gave me that free and option in that decision, its something i will always feel the need to praise them for because in the long run it saved me a lot of damage.
And thats how i made the decision at 15 to leave school and never go back. To this day i still dont regret it and continue to say its the best thing i have ever done.