Traveling again for the first time in 4 years!!

I remember the first day after Wireless was booked and how nervous and consumed with different thoughts i was. I was worried that i would chicken out days before or even last minute and there was no way at all that i would get in the train station where i live let alone on a train on the way to London.

If im completely honest it was alot calmer then i thought. Im unsure whether that was because i was around friends and didn’t particularly want to embarrass myself as internally i felt anything but calm. I felt worse. My body being overtaken with the worst feelings from the middle of Saturday meaning the dinner that was so nicely cooked for me by one of my best friends i didn’t eat because i just felt too sick at the thought of travelling. Our Saturday consisted of trying to get ready for the Sunday as we had to wake up early and just relaxing. If im honest we did alot more relaxing then we should have. Aiming to go to sleep at 9 and still being awake at gone 1 in the morning when we had a 4am alarm. I regret however that with all the laughing we did there was only an hour of sleep before we woke up at 3:30am to begin our journey.

Getting ready Sunday morning was all a rush so the thought of actually travelling completely vanished from my mind until we left. See we had made plans to go to mcdonalds to have breakfast before we left and just the thought that we were so clearly going somewhere not local meant i felt sick to my stomach but i knew i needed to eat else i’d be feeling even more sick then i did. The taxi journey to the train station however, i felt everything in my body completely overreact and the level of tears i was already holding back seemed to higher in level but the last thing i really wanted to do was cry.

I cant really explain the feeling of walking into the train station and instantly seeing the tracks, it was like i was having some out of body experience. Part of me was petrified beyond belief but then part of me was over the moon because i had actually done it and was standing there waiting on going to a place that i hadn’t been able to go to in 4 years! I mean granted i wish it stayed that way for the whole of the wait but as soon as we collected our tickets it felt more real and again i was back at that place of holding back the tears and close to chickening out. When i say i was close to chickening out i dont think many people are aware just how close i was, i was so tempted to just walk out of the train station and forget about the whole thing especially when the train became delayed but thanks to the confidence boosts from my best friends i was able to get on the train and on my way to London before i knew it.

To say getting on the train made me feel 10X better would be a lie. The moment i stepped onto the train i had this rush feeling like i was going to pass out and that pretty much stayed with every knock and wobble the train carriage had. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach making itself known every now and again just to make sure i was aware it was still there. The journey felt like it went on forever yet somehow we were there in just over an hour.

When we got to London i felt a sense of relief, after 4 years of absolute horror to get here i was finally walking down those escalators in St Pancras station. I felt like i had achieved something and almost as though i knew this certain event was going to change my life. Yes i still felt extremely anxious over the fact i still had tubes to catch and there was huge crowds gathering everywhere but if im honest with you it didn’t matter. I was finally in London.

The day was amazing and although i had a few wobbles thoughout it and the crowds where sometimes too much to handle i made the most of it and i wouldnt ever rule out doing again, soon maybe. Who knows.

Feel free to Check out my video of the journey there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkKxZA5DIyw

Have a good day 

Sky x

The build up to the trip..

As you all know this coming weekend me and some friends are going London. Getting on a train and going somewhere that isn’t only 15 minutes from my house. If im completely honest last week i didn’t really think about it, the thought of it being 2 weeks away made me push it to the back of my mind and focus on other things. Of course the weekend just gone made me realise that it is in fact very close to when i have to face both my fears. However Monday i was fine. I personally feel as though it had something to do with the fact that i was so busy what with my eldest niece having her induction day into big school and then having to rush her to get to Nursery and have her parents evening, i didn’t really have the time to think about it.

Then Tuesday came and quite frankly it was all i did think about, so much so that i ended up having a huge panic attack about it late Tuesday night and working myself up far more then needed just by the mere thought. My phones stopped cooperating and wont charge properly so im panicking about maybe not having a suitable phone to go away with. I panicking about the times and being ready, im panicking about looking ok and if im having a really bad 5 minutes i’ll panic over the idea people might see my horribly stretch marked legs if my skirt blows up. Im panicking about something potentially happening, panicking about getting split up from the group or lost. Im pretty much panicking about everything.

I think the main issue is that because its such a big deal for me and its causing me to panic so much i keep mentioning it in the hopes it would somehow sink into my mind and the day wouldn’t be so petrifying, then i realise i dont shut up. I probably mention how scared i am every time its spoken about. Which means im becoming panicky over the fact people may think im trying to make this whole trip about me, which im 100% not.

Yes its going to be a big thing but its also a fun weekend with my girls so im hoping that i can somehow reroute my brain into channeling the exciting parts of the trip, apart from those bloody escalators i know we have to go down, death trap them i tell ya!!!

I thought writing this blog post would help give an insight of all the things we may go through when we have anxiety and have a trip coming up but lately I’ve realised you can only get so much across by a post. Your personal feelings and emotions that are linked to such a event may only be able to be felt by you because your situation is unique which means so are your feelings. I do hope people read this and know they are not alone, there are other people out there struggle with mental health and making simple trips to places.

My next blog post will be after the trip to London so i’ll let you all know how it goes. Pray for me.

Have a good day 

Sky x

 

Anxiety over a piercing?

If you know me personally you would know I’ve always been one to talk about piercings and tattoos but I’ve never been one to do so. Every since i was 7 i can remember wanting my ears pierced, even going for it one day then being too scared to go through with it. That never changed, right up until the other week i wanted too but i was just too petrified of the idea.

Part of me thinks it was down to the other reactions i had seen, the reactions of little children where they would scream and that instantly put me off. I thought there was no way i could ever have anything pierced because i would 100% make a fool of myself. In honesty i think i was more scared of making a prat of myself then having the actual piercing done.

So last weekend whilst i was out with my friends we all made a spontaneous decision to get a piercing, me being more on the fence about it all as i would indeed be getting 2 piercings, one in each ear, and for the fact of my past and how anxious the thought made me i was apprehensive. I dont know what happened but for some reason i went for it, i paid and i waited to get it done. I cant say i was completely chilled because that in itself would be a complete lie. I was COMPLETELY freaking out, i felt like i was going to lose it at any moment and cry, but i didn’t. Instead i just stood and waited, i was last by the way which didn’t help with my anxiety AT ALL.

I did it. I officially after 13 years of letting my anxiety over the situation rule my decision, i got my ears pierced.

 

PIERCING.jpg

 

Im aware to some people this may not be a big deal at all and in fact it probably isn’t but to me personally being able to do this was a big huge step. I never step out of my comfort zone or purposely do things i know would cause my anxiety to go here, there and everywhere but lately i am and i feel much more comfortable mentally then I’ve ever been. If anything i have my best friends to thank for it, without them pushing me and giving me the nudge to do something i never would. When i say nudge i dont mean in a bad way or a way thats forceful, what i mean is they push the idea a little passed the boundaries that were there and then make it clear they are there for me and its that which makes me want to do it.

Im even thinking of getting another piercing soon. I will probably wait until these two have healed up so i wouldn’t have to fuss over all three piercings at the same time but more ear piercings are appealing to me more then ever. However i think i need a little more balls for anything else at the moment.

Never say never though.

Have a good day

Sky x

Travelling is a pretty touchy subject with me i mean for the past 3/4 years I’ve put it on the back burner not really bothering to attempt to travel after my failures in the past. Every time i think of travelling somewhere i think of embarrassing myself in front of everyone when i went to tumble or panicking the whole 5 hours to Bath and making myself poorly. My anxiety just doesn’t do well travelling.

So it will probably come as a complete shock that after all those years im planning to travel yet again. To say im nervous would be an understatement, granted this time i wont be travelling to said place on my own ill be with 3 of my best friends but its no less horrendous for my mind. If im being completely honest with myself i do feel different, more confident about it this time but then i do have those moments where i cant even think about it without feeling sick and my body getting this overwhelming feeling of anxiousness. I cant help but picture all those other failed attempts and embarrassments to myself and assume thats whats going to happen this time but they’ll be people there to experience it aswell. No doubt i’ll be completely quiet and probably even spend the middle of the night crying to myself in the bathroom like i usually do before a big plan but i really am determined to go through with it this time and i couldn’t have a better support network with me in doing so.

I think personally my biggest fear is ruining everyone’s day, i dont want the day to revolve around whether i can do it or everyone’s eyes being firmly fixed on me because of my mental illness nor do i want it to seem like im wanting all the attention from it. Yes its a big deal for me to not only get on the train but be at a train station and yes i do want some sort of recognition for finally being able to do something but i dont want it to overshadow the most amazing day we are going to have. I say amazing because i know it will be even if right now my mind is tricking me into thinking about everything that could potentially go wrong whether it be with me as a person or at home when im not here. Im only going for a day, there in the morning back at night but thats a huge step.

I dont want to crack under the pressure of this when the other day i felt perfectly fine about going but i feel as it gets closer i become more anxious and closed into myself, i overthink it. To stop overthinking for me is near impossible, its something my mind does naturally. If you do it yourself you’ll understand how hard it is to stop once your mind gets going.

I even brought a new portable charger for the trip but my mind is convinced that even with it my battery will go dead and something will happen at home and the first i would know about it would be when i would get back or something happening at home and me having to wait a whole hour trip back on my own with my anxiety and potentially miss something within that hour. The thoughts just keep on coming.

But ill be fine. As much as my mind tries to convince me i wont be i know i’ll be fine.

Have a good day

Sky x

Manic Monday?

Im not entirely sure how to start this blog post, i thought i would do a blog post on a typical day for me and obviously that was going to be a Monday as thats my most productive day usually but my god i wasn’t ready for what this week wanted to throw at me and quite frankly means that instead this blog post is not going to be about a typical day for me. In fact its going to be about a Monday filled with chaos and everything else in between.

Monday morning came and granted we already knew before hand it would be hectic what with Olivia-May coming up in a rash that we wasn’t entirely sure of and a vet appointment for my dog at 9:10 it was pretty much a rush from the moment we woke up.

We called the doctors first thing like we were told to do because we weren’t sure if it was chicken pox or a normal rash and if im quite honest with you we just needed some advice, we were on the line for near enough an hour and 10 minutes waiting to speak to someone only to be told they couldn’t see her at the doctors and we had to go see a pharmacist which ok i get that, if it is chicken pox it would be somewhat pointless going to the doctors but we were never sure. Obviously because we were on the phone since half 8 waiting to spring up there at any moment we missed my dogs vet appointment which she needed more then anything so we had to rush to book that too which thankfully they had a free that day.

Anyway we took Olivia out, against our own will because she was very clammy and i honestly just wanted her to stay home, but we were advised to take her to a pharmacist and when we did we were just hit with the ‘that looks like its got an infection’ with no other advice on what to do? So yet another waste of time in my eyes. In the midst of all this we had to get my brother to meet us with my dog as it was near her vet time and we just didn’t have the time to walk all the way back home and get her. Then we ended up being late for the vet appointment YET AGAIN. Thankfully only happened to be a couple of minutes and as the vets was running late the woman said it was perfectly fine.

Then we get on the second situation of the day, my dog. Now we’ve had Bow for coming up to 3 and a half years and for the last two years from May to October shes needed medication because last year we were told by the vet that she is allergic to something in those months, or summer as he put it. I was then told by a different vet that it was actually an allergic reaction and i could pay £500 to get an allergy test that could potentially come up as just pollen and still have to fork out over £150 every fortnight or it could be something else and they would have a vaccine for it. Now hes pretty sure its to do with the pollen and there is nothing but medication for her but part of me is like what if it isn’t?? Do i fork out the £500 and it potentially be wasted or not?? Probably didn’t help her case that she was knee deep in dirt, unsure why? She looked like my brother took her for a walk in loads of fields bless her!

Now when i got back i was pretty happy to go back home and relax, the stressful morning becoming abit too much to handle. Did i get to relax? I wish i did.

That afternoon we had to call 999 because my dad was taken ill. He’s ok and resting at home, thankfully but something just went wrong. He became all hot, he found it hard to breath. Maybe because of his SVT or COPD we dont know but the paramedic we got was quite rude. Another struggle is that now my dad not only has breathing problems but his foot has some unknown issue that yet again we are unsure of (this seems to be a regular occurrence with my parents) One day it just suddenly started hurting and now its blue, swollen and unbearably painful to touch but thats an issue with another hospital appointment.

I would stop my blog post there because that was all the drama for that day, in fact i felt like i was someone calm in handling the whole situation especially as Olivia was awake that time and the last time something happened she was all snug in bed. She loved it however, learning all about the body and even calling me fat in front of the paramedics, thanks baby.

Its Wednesday today. My mums become ill after only just getting somewhat better on the 5th May, my dads ill and im constantly alert, Olivia has Chicken Pox and my dog has to take tablets for some sort of allergy i just feel overwhelmed. I feel like life is throwing everything at me at this point in time and im scared of what it will throw at me net. Im becoming so poorly myself from all the stress but i know i have to carry on because im the only one well enough to do so.

Im scared.

Have a good day 

Sky x

Have you taken your tablets today?

Pretty frequent question right?

I mean anyone with true concern will probably ask you during the day whether you have taken the tablets you got given in a bid to make you somewhat better and thats perfectly normal.

Imagine instead of asking out of concern, it randomly pops up in a conversation and they only bring it up because you become somewhat irate, they only bother to ask about your medication when your attitude becomes different and you become a shell of yourself around a scary situation? I can tell you from the view of someone it happens to VERY often that its demoralizing.  Im aware to other people this may seem a silly subject and maybe people who have to take medication may be wondering what the hell i am on about but if im being honest. I have taken medication for my mental health for YEARS. Its something i lean on, something that brings some sort of comfort to the fact that i will be less on edge then what i would usually be without them so when someone asks if I’ve taken them it makes me automatically think im acting out of character for what is seen as normal, it makes me feel like either they are no longer working or in fact im too messed up for them to make a difference anymore. I become on edge for the rest of the day, its not a momentary thing that you can laugh and shrug off when i ask why and you reply ‘just wondering’. It sticks with us ALL day.

I admit some days i do in fact forget to take my medication, weirdly taking them for so long has had no effect on my memory of taking them because im just as useless at remembering as i was in the beginning. Luckily I’ve never really had to experience properly going without them since taking them (thanks mum!) but i am aware that in the future there may be a day that i go without them completely whether that be by choice or just because i simply forget to take them all together and the thought of how this one question could effect me then had me thinking.

You see with some medication it is completely up to you what you do with them, last time i had my medication reviewed i was unable to go any higher with them as for my age i was at the highest that they deemed safe which means when i feel as though the effect of this medication isn’t as effective anymore i have to decide whether to carry on with them or try and go without them and again go through counselling. I could NOT hear that question at any point in that whole timeline. I could not cope with the idea that whilst i am trying to overcome a certain obstacle that i must not have taken them because i seem more out of place then normal. It plays on my mind now when im more then aware of what my mood may be and i know how scary and how up and down that time of your life can be. I was in that time of my life only 3/4 years ago. I personally went through it and even though i was lucky enough to not be asked that question i know if i did i would have probably lost it all together. Even now it makes me angry. We could be absolutely anywhere but you ask me that question and i lose it, good mood or bad mood i will lose it. I hate the question with a passion. I hate the feelings that come along with the question and i hate the guilt of constantly feeling like im doing something wrong or walking on egg shells because of it.

Asking if im okay is perfect. Asking whether im okay is in fact 100% the right way to go about it. Ask me okay until im blue in the face replying to it. Just never ask me if i have taken my tablets today.

Have a good day 

Sky x

Does my anxiety scare me?

Yes.

My anxiety has always scared me and it probably always will. To have an anxiety attack is a situation i wouldn’t ask on anyone, its damaging. The idea of never being able to go to a place because just the thought of it brings that feeling to the pit of your stomach. The fact that you’re aware it could pop up at any second so you’re always on edge when making plans because you know how big of a chance there is for it to just appear and you dont want to be viewed as the ‘dickhead’ because thats what you see yourself as. My mental health causes such bad thoughts because it makes me feel silly, stupid and like some sort of joke. I mean im more then aware now of how it effects me and how much of the time its my mental health talking but theres always them times when i sit there and just think about how much better my life could be.

Im scared on how much it will effect my future especially when its effected my past so much already. Its like this unwanted bubble around everyone, people are scared of the words ‘mental health’ so when hearing it they do nothing but run a mile. I’ve become used to it. I mean i used to view things as damaging because it wouldn’t make me feel any better then i already did but growing up I’ve come to realise its just a part of life and i cant be angry at people for being scared of it when to be fair theres no education surrounding it so how would they get the chance understand it.

In all fairness i probably completely overthink scenarios in my head and assume them to be the worst and thats probably why they are, or why i chicken out of things last moment but its something my mind will do and over the years I’ve had such a battle with it that i often give up and let it take control because its so much easier and less energy demanding then fighting it. I am in no way saying i do that all the time because if im honest i probably wouldn’t be where i am today, especially in my family anyway. I must admit lately i do feel as though im getting alot better in myself mood wise.

My anxiety hasn’t changed and I’ve come to the realisation that instead of trying to overcome it i just need to try and manage it and i feel as though this thought path has completely lifted my spirit in things. I have plans coming up in the future that i probably never would of planned but the idea that i have such an amazing support network of friends behind me i want to give them ago. Even though the idea is beyond petrifying me now even when its not until July but thats something i have to learn to live with.

I think what scares me more then the anxiety itself is how its going to plan out my future. Im petrified of finding no one that understands to then be left in this bubble by myself and regretting going down the path of managing it, im scared that i will constantly be seen as this unstable girl that shouldn’t be allowed the time of day for anything because of the damage my past has had.

In an ideal world i would like people to suddenly understand mental health better, get on board and maybe we wont feel as though we’ve taken a step back and been viewed in almost a shadowed light. Wishes for the future i guess.

Have a good day 

Sky x

I now have a blog facebook page that i would love if you could head on over and like. Its where i will post anything blog related or anything that i feel would help in any way! Thanks in advance! https://www.facebook.com/Skylouiseblu/