Why I Left School At 15…

Some of you may or may not know this year I turned 21, it also happened to be 6 years since i decided to leave at the beginning of year 11, with no GCSEs, no friends and absolutely no sense of who i was as a person. This blog post has the potential to bother a lot of people which is fine, everyone has a right to their own opinion on situations they see and read and im fine with that, everyone interprets a situation differently.

I don’t hide that growing up I was a very emotionally unstable child, not in a worrying state but i just cried a lot, which led on to alot of bullying in secondary school. If anyone from that school happens to read this, i doubt they would but if you see something you did please note i am writing this as my final part of healing and moving on, i forgive everyone who picked on me mainly for my mental state what with the lack of education on it there was when i was at school, i just hope that now your age has grown so have you.

I remember being embarrassed in front of my entire maths class for someone not wanting me to be in their group, yes it probably effected me more than it should have but when you have a class of around 30 all sitting in their groups and a boy shouts in front of them all that he’d do anything to not have you in his group for no reason other than who you were, that’s upsetting. In fact I did nothing the rest of that maths lesson other then sit on the floor and try to hide merely because i felt like that was the talk of the lesson at that point meaning i was everyone’s main focus and thats something i HATE.

I remember having the mick taken out of me if my hair bun was a little too high or looked a weird shape which obviously happened a lot what with how long my hair has always been. It got to the point that I never wore my hair in a bun to school because i was so self conscious about what people may think of it.

Being targeted for a whole year by an english teacher and having people tell you the little comments she may say about you because you were never in but her not truly understanding the reason of why you weren’t there.

The sly comments that would be made to me, by not even the popular people. Just general people in my year, one I remember clearly for reasons i don’t really know is a girl i happened to class as one of my friends told someone not to play a joke on me because i would cry and it hurt more the fact she didn’t understand the reason behind why i cried then the fact that she was a friend to me.

Obviously through school there was a lot of remarks and happenings because it’s a secondary school and I don’t really think anyone goes through them smooth sailing. I’m in no way saying i was some perfect person of course there was things that i done in school that weren’t very nice. Merely for the reason of needing to fit in and actually have friends in an environment i felt so uncomfortable in. However i never felt like i pushed the boundaries on being horrid. Again as i said im not justifying some of the remarks i made and i sincerely apologise for them.

However in year 10 and the weeks i was in year 11 and the summer holiday in between things got extremely difficult for not only me but my family too. Now i felt like i had a solid group of friends but we were mainly a group of girls which is a whole bunch of trouble within itself. There was a lot of arguments, A LOT , but i loved them like family. This is where it involves people who probably hope for the best that this doesn’t come up but as i said this is a way of me to finally be able to get it out.

As I was suffering from bad mental health i wasnt attending school very much but i managed to always catch up with my friends at a youth club we used to go too on certain days and we had made friends with people at that youth club aswell, now certain accusations were made in which caused serious consequences and arguments and on another week, which i was not there nor at school because i in fact had a cold there was an altercation in which a fight happened, now again i made comments on this at the time which i was not proud of which i suppose made me involved in the whole situation. That was then brought to the school and what with my small attendance as it was i felt like i was struggling to know the things i needed for my exams so it wasnt helped by the fact that the school continuously pulled me out of the lessons i really needed help in, science being the main one which obviously caused more stress onto the stress i was feeling. Somehow everything was then piled on me and i felt cornered in which i was being attacked from all the teachers especially when an email was sent out to all the teachers that i had to be kept away from the certain individual because i was a bully. Obviously my parents were not very happy with the fact i had this label now on me for false reasons then emailed the school to show their concerns on why i was suddenly the main event in this whole situation and being called things i wasnt, resulted in the next day me being yet again pulled to the office, at this point they should have just got me my own desk.

Wishful thinking would for me to have it stopped there because I was just completely done with it, i had not even been within a mile of the place where this incident happened yet i was the only one in the firing line. We were getting drunk people knocking on our doors and having ago, my mum being called a bad mother by other mothers and teachers also and then being accused of following people home. I’m not stranger to that accusation to be honest but i walk one way home, always have and always will and the two people who accused me of following them home i had to go past their houses to in fact get to my house. But again im not here to justify or cause arguments all over again about the past because that’s what it is im just merely explaining the run up as to what made the decision of leaving school an easy one.

Then one day I had gone to school and yet again been pulled out of science, i was fine with this because let’s be honest i was used to it by now. In this incident a particular teacher called my mum a bad mother. I would like to say my mum has been ill pretty much all of my life but she has always made sure shed done what she feels she needs to do and she’s been the most amazing mother, also people saying otherwise gets me extremely angry. The only emotion my body seems to know even when im angry is to cry. I went back to science completely zoned out and just sat there the entire rest of the lesson doing nothing so again missing out on even more of what i needed to learn. It then got to break time and i called my mum saying i needed to come home. I couldn’t stand being in this environment any longer and i couldnt stand feeling like this when i was already having a hard time as it was. Thankfully my parents allowed me to come home whereas the school didn’t. That’s probably the first time i ever walked out of school without permission from a teacher and it also happened to be the last time i walked out of school full stop.

I had become so mentally drained by the years of such a bad school environment mixed with the sudden rush of what the last couple of weeks had brought I just wanted to hide away and never show my face again. Obviously the school had tried to convince my parents to force me to go back to school but i think at this point both of my parents had become so tired of what was happening and so aware of how bad my health is they just said if she doesn’t want to go to school then she doesnt go and i am forever thankful that they gave me that free and option in that decision, its something i will always feel the need to praise them for because in the long run it saved me a lot of damage.

And thats how i made the decision at 15 to leave school and never go back. To this day i still dont regret it and continue to say its the best thing i have ever done.

Sky x

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Do dogs really help with anxiety?

Nearly 4 years ago when I was at my worst my parents came across an article about a girl who happened to have a dog. An article explaining how much her dog had helped her in bad situations and how it continued to help her with her mental health.

Now my dad was against pets, always has been to be honest. He’s not the animal loving type. However this article swayed him a little, I say a little because he was still not for getting a pet but he was interested in just how much difference they can make. So me and my mum naturally searched out a dog and brought her home without him knowing until we showed up at the doorstep.

I remember the first few days where I felt horrendous because she didn’t come near me at all, if anything she ran the other way. I immediately thought it was because she could sense what i felt and it scared her, i felt horrible, scaring a dog off for something i myself couldn’t even control. Eventually however she settled in and to this day won’t leave me alone. The main question i always get asked when i tell people the part reason behind getting Bow is does she help?

It seems strange, a four-legged fur animal could make such a difference to someones mood and chemically I havent got a clue how it works, i don’t know if there’s something about how our bodies react to dogs that means it calms our inner self down or if it’s the dog itself that has some effect but i can honestly say that my dog is definitely a main part of how well i am today.

Now my dog is definitely not one to have cuddles, if anything when you go to cuddle her she walks away and just stares at you until you move from her spot but when im sad she senses it and just lets me cuddle, for as long as I need. Or if im having an anxious morning she just pops up with kisses and just lies near me and it works. It’s crazy how calm i feel in my dogs presence and honestly getting her was the best decision ever. Not only did we give her a better life as her past wasnt exactly pretty but she gave me a better life too.

I’m aware that you get those dogs that have been specially trained to help people with disabilities and mental health issues and they have a more in dept way of understanding it and that’s amazing, I applaud that. My dog didn’t, if anything she came to us as an overly skinny, beaten and out of control little 3-year-old. If anything she understood from a more personal level, she spent the first week or so just sat in a corner refusing to come near anyone but my dad. However shes as happy as she can be now, just like me.

So the answer is yes, yes dogs really can help you mentally and physically in all aspects of life.

Have a good day

Sky x

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Effects of small but life changing events…

Earlier on when I was just being my general nosy self i happened to come across that it had actually been roughly a year since i wrote a blog post on how damaging i found the fact that i couldn’t travel on a train. Its scary really because i can remember exactly how i felt at that time and how i felt as a person, which wasn’t very important that’s for sure. I had this unusual fear of the unknown and how it could affect me especially in travelling. If anything i had a fear or a sudden illness rearing its ugly head in my parents whilst i was gone for the day. This meaning i missed out on a lot of potentially exciting life events, and a lot of money. It also meant i lost a lot of friends due to people just really not understanding the true severity of it. Sad but true reality.

Somehow and if I’m 100% honest with you I’m still not sure on how i really got the guts to even give it a try, maybe i felt forced or maybe something just suddenly clicked in my mind and i was able to travel. I mean don’t get me wrong its taken me nearly an extra year to be able to travel in a comfortable way and don’t ask me to travel to any other places because that’s just too soon for me but at this current moment in time i’m really happy with the progress i have made.

In a way its made me happier, sounds silly but its given me a tiny bit of freedom that in a way i needed. I felt so trapped and constricted in my life that to finally have some sort of freedom and time to myself makes such a big difference to my life and the fact I’m finally able to create memories that mean something means a tonne more.

Obviously there are other things in life that I’m still pretty much afraid of that could really help in making some life changes but if i get too into that then that’ll be a side of me exposed and at this moment in time i’m not ok with that nor do i have anyone around me in which i trust enough to confide in. Another sad truth.

If I’m honest I just wanted to write this post because when my life really was at rock bottom i was convinced that in no way it could get better and every time someone said to me it will eventually get better i just laughed it off. I mean granted my life isn’t better in every aspect but the small improvement in that one aspect makes a tonne of difference. A tonne of happiness. So even to some people it may seem like the tiniest thing, for me it’s the best thing that could’ve happened. After all they do say that its the small things that make the biggest of differences.

Have a good day 

Sky x

Did i make the right decision?

A little less than a year ago I made a blog post telling everyone about my decision to stop counselling, Final counselling decision.

For people who weren’t reading my blog then I’ll give a little recap. Roughly a year ago I was going through my second lot of counselling since leaving school. After the first lot of counselling not going well and making me feel worse in myself mentally then i had ever felt i decided i would go back one final time in the hopes that this time i will be in a better head space and able to somehow better myself. I had it in my head that after a year something might have changed and i would be at least able to talk more openly and freely to the counselors at my local doctors office. Sadly that wasn’t the case and i personally felt for the better of my mental health that after just a few counselling sessions that i would not continue. At the time it was a tricky decision, on one half i wanted the best help possible for myself to get better and more mentally stable whereas the other half of me just felt like this wasn’t the case whilst counselling was involved. I felt like i wasn’t being listened to fully nor was i being taken very seriously.

A year later and to say looking back and thinking it was my best decision would be an overstatement. Granted this past year I’ve come a long way to who I used to be, something i have managed to achieve myself. However with every plus there is a huge downfall. There are times when i feel like counselling could have been beneficial to not me being able to overcome fears but just my mood in general. For example, things affect me a lot more than what they should. Recently something happened which has been causing me to lose sleep and quite frankly not feeling very mentally well in myself. That isn’t me however accusing people of making me act or feel that way, it’s just i haven’t fully worked out how to cope with things properly yet without hiding myself away for a while. This being the downside to my decision.

I think the main issue was not the counselling itself but the attitude that was given from both sides of the situation. I wasn’t treated very well but then again I wasn’t treating myself and my mental health well either this in turn made the mood horrible and a not very nice place to be which isn’t nice for anyone to be around.

But did i make the right decision?

100%. For me personally I feel like the realisation that counselling wasn’t for me was something that needed to happen. Yes it took me a further 10 months and many failed attempts to finally achieve a big milestone and something i can finally say that i did myself. I can’t say for certain whether that would have been achieved sooner or not with counselling but i can say that it was achieved in a less forced and controlled way. I felt as calm as i could have felt and i felt ready in myself to finally push myself further.

My advice for anyone struggling on the decision of carrying on with counselling or not is definitely to trust yourself. You know more than anyone else what is best for you and whether it’s the right time for you or not. Your mind is yours alone and no one can possibly know every inch of what is happening in there. If you feel like you need to leave then try it and if it’s not the best then you have the option to come back but if you feel like counselling is benefiting you then definitely stay. There is nothing wrong with getting help nor is there anything wrong with wanting to help yourself.

Have a good day

Sky x

 

Traveling again for the first time in 4 years!!

I remember the first day after Wireless was booked and how nervous and consumed with different thoughts i was. I was worried that i would chicken out days before or even last minute and there was no way at all that i would get in the train station where i live let alone on a train on the way to London.

If im completely honest it was alot calmer then i thought. Im unsure whether that was because i was around friends and didn’t particularly want to embarrass myself as internally i felt anything but calm. I felt worse. My body being overtaken with the worst feelings from the middle of Saturday meaning the dinner that was so nicely cooked for me by one of my best friends i didn’t eat because i just felt too sick at the thought of travelling. Our Saturday consisted of trying to get ready for the Sunday as we had to wake up early and just relaxing. If im honest we did alot more relaxing then we should have. Aiming to go to sleep at 9 and still being awake at gone 1 in the morning when we had a 4am alarm. I regret however that with all the laughing we did there was only an hour of sleep before we woke up at 3:30am to begin our journey.

Getting ready Sunday morning was all a rush so the thought of actually travelling completely vanished from my mind until we left. See we had made plans to go to mcdonalds to have breakfast before we left and just the thought that we were so clearly going somewhere not local meant i felt sick to my stomach but i knew i needed to eat else i’d be feeling even more sick then i did. The taxi journey to the train station however, i felt everything in my body completely overreact and the level of tears i was already holding back seemed to higher in level but the last thing i really wanted to do was cry.

I cant really explain the feeling of walking into the train station and instantly seeing the tracks, it was like i was having some out of body experience. Part of me was petrified beyond belief but then part of me was over the moon because i had actually done it and was standing there waiting on going to a place that i hadn’t been able to go to in 4 years! I mean granted i wish it stayed that way for the whole of the wait but as soon as we collected our tickets it felt more real and again i was back at that place of holding back the tears and close to chickening out. When i say i was close to chickening out i dont think many people are aware just how close i was, i was so tempted to just walk out of the train station and forget about the whole thing especially when the train became delayed but thanks to the confidence boosts from my best friends i was able to get on the train and on my way to London before i knew it.

To say getting on the train made me feel 10X better would be a lie. The moment i stepped onto the train i had this rush feeling like i was going to pass out and that pretty much stayed with every knock and wobble the train carriage had. The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach making itself known every now and again just to make sure i was aware it was still there. The journey felt like it went on forever yet somehow we were there in just over an hour.

When we got to London i felt a sense of relief, after 4 years of absolute horror to get here i was finally walking down those escalators in St Pancras station. I felt like i had achieved something and almost as though i knew this certain event was going to change my life. Yes i still felt extremely anxious over the fact i still had tubes to catch and there was huge crowds gathering everywhere but if im honest with you it didn’t matter. I was finally in London.

The day was amazing and although i had a few wobbles thoughout it and the crowds where sometimes too much to handle i made the most of it and i wouldnt ever rule out doing again, soon maybe. Who knows.

Feel free to Check out my video of the journey there. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkKxZA5DIyw

Have a good day 

Sky x

The build up to the trip..

As you all know this coming weekend me and some friends are going London. Getting on a train and going somewhere that isn’t only 15 minutes from my house. If im completely honest last week i didn’t really think about it, the thought of it being 2 weeks away made me push it to the back of my mind and focus on other things. Of course the weekend just gone made me realise that it is in fact very close to when i have to face both my fears. However Monday i was fine. I personally feel as though it had something to do with the fact that i was so busy what with my eldest niece having her induction day into big school and then having to rush her to get to Nursery and have her parents evening, i didn’t really have the time to think about it.

Then Tuesday came and quite frankly it was all i did think about, so much so that i ended up having a huge panic attack about it late Tuesday night and working myself up far more then needed just by the mere thought. My phones stopped cooperating and wont charge properly so im panicking about maybe not having a suitable phone to go away with. I panicking about the times and being ready, im panicking about looking ok and if im having a really bad 5 minutes i’ll panic over the idea people might see my horribly stretch marked legs if my skirt blows up. Im panicking about something potentially happening, panicking about getting split up from the group or lost. Im pretty much panicking about everything.

I think the main issue is that because its such a big deal for me and its causing me to panic so much i keep mentioning it in the hopes it would somehow sink into my mind and the day wouldn’t be so petrifying, then i realise i dont shut up. I probably mention how scared i am every time its spoken about. Which means im becoming panicky over the fact people may think im trying to make this whole trip about me, which im 100% not.

Yes its going to be a big thing but its also a fun weekend with my girls so im hoping that i can somehow reroute my brain into channeling the exciting parts of the trip, apart from those bloody escalators i know we have to go down, death trap them i tell ya!!!

I thought writing this blog post would help give an insight of all the things we may go through when we have anxiety and have a trip coming up but lately I’ve realised you can only get so much across by a post. Your personal feelings and emotions that are linked to such a event may only be able to be felt by you because your situation is unique which means so are your feelings. I do hope people read this and know they are not alone, there are other people out there struggle with mental health and making simple trips to places.

My next blog post will be after the trip to London so i’ll let you all know how it goes. Pray for me.

Have a good day 

Sky x

 

Anxiety over a piercing?

If you know me personally you would know I’ve always been one to talk about piercings and tattoos but I’ve never been one to do so. Every since i was 7 i can remember wanting my ears pierced, even going for it one day then being too scared to go through with it. That never changed, right up until the other week i wanted too but i was just too petrified of the idea.

Part of me thinks it was down to the other reactions i had seen, the reactions of little children where they would scream and that instantly put me off. I thought there was no way i could ever have anything pierced because i would 100% make a fool of myself. In honesty i think i was more scared of making a prat of myself then having the actual piercing done.

So last weekend whilst i was out with my friends we all made a spontaneous decision to get a piercing, me being more on the fence about it all as i would indeed be getting 2 piercings, one in each ear, and for the fact of my past and how anxious the thought made me i was apprehensive. I dont know what happened but for some reason i went for it, i paid and i waited to get it done. I cant say i was completely chilled because that in itself would be a complete lie. I was COMPLETELY freaking out, i felt like i was going to lose it at any moment and cry, but i didn’t. Instead i just stood and waited, i was last by the way which didn’t help with my anxiety AT ALL.

I did it. I officially after 13 years of letting my anxiety over the situation rule my decision, i got my ears pierced.

 

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Im aware to some people this may not be a big deal at all and in fact it probably isn’t but to me personally being able to do this was a big huge step. I never step out of my comfort zone or purposely do things i know would cause my anxiety to go here, there and everywhere but lately i am and i feel much more comfortable mentally then I’ve ever been. If anything i have my best friends to thank for it, without them pushing me and giving me the nudge to do something i never would. When i say nudge i dont mean in a bad way or a way thats forceful, what i mean is they push the idea a little passed the boundaries that were there and then make it clear they are there for me and its that which makes me want to do it.

Im even thinking of getting another piercing soon. I will probably wait until these two have healed up so i wouldn’t have to fuss over all three piercings at the same time but more ear piercings are appealing to me more then ever. However i think i need a little more balls for anything else at the moment.

Never say never though.

Have a good day

Sky x