My thoughts are anything but happy. I thought finally travelling to London would break a cycle and allow me to have more of my life back but honestly im probably more petrified to go back then i was to go in the first place.
I can’t put my finger on it, for days after going i was all hyped up and even thinking of planning a proper shopping trip in London and then suddenly that stopped and was replaced by panic attacks about going again and being in such a different environment. Which thinking about it logically that environment wouldn’t be as bad considering I’ve now been there once before, i don’t know but the thought of going again is not something that keeps my mind and thoughts settled.
It got me thinking, we all have this idea that as soon as we beat a demon inside of us that it would immediately go away or disappear to a point that still enables us to do something new when in fact its anything but that. If anything it consumes your thoughts even more because you have all the good memories from that one time but you also have all the fear that you experienced whilst trying to get there. The fear that is the route to why you stop doing certain things in the first place. The sickness, the bad thoughts and the idea of wanting to get off at every train station inbetween where you’re meant to go because at least you’d be closer to home then what you intend to be. It makes you feel more claustrophobic and the tightness that was in your throat before almost doubles. Caught in a state of mind that you dont want to feel that fear again but you want to feel that happiness always. Happiness is something you are told to base your whole life around, that happiness is the key but you’re not told how to act when your mind isn’t allowing you to reach your own happiness.
If im being completely honest i dont know if i ever will get to London again, i would love to. I mean theres only so long you can walk around my tiny town before getting bored of all the constant shops that are appearing one week and disappearing the next. I want to go to get pictures, to experience the shopping and to see friends i haven’t seen in a while but i don’t know if i ever will. I suppose this is what they call that wishful thinking.
I know i can do it, I’ve already done it once and proved to myself that it was possible and i could fully enjoy myself whilst im out there so the fact im even more anxious to go back then what i was confuses me even more. I’ve never really experienced a feeling like this before so its all a new learning curve for me, whether its one i begin to understand is another story.
Have a good day
Im aware this is usually the first post everyone posts and mean its true n the 1st of December like usual i helped decorate the main tree in our house. Yesterday however i was given a small tree to put up in my bedroom, something i’ve always wanted to do but not really had the room in previous years. This year however i was down in the biggest room so i was allowed.
Now im not really an organised person when it comes to decorating the tree, i usually just throw decorations on and hope it looks nice however this year i spent some time making sure everything looked somewhat pretty. This is the finished look:
Home made decorations are something special to my family so they are usually on the main tree but this year i managed to sneak the Santa i made and coloured in year 6 into the tree on my room. Its something that gives me happy memories in such a bad tie of my life that i cant help but look back on it with joy. The angel on top of the tree is actually something very treasured in our family. Every year we go from either the star on the angel and switch between the years. Of all the years we have had to get so many new stars as they break or become tacky looking however this angel has been in my family for as long as i can remember and is still in pretty good condition considering all the bashing it has been put through over the years.
Thats pretty much it to this blog post. However i would love to see some of your trees and how you decorated yours so feel free to drop a comment or even tweet me Sky blu some pictures!
Dont forget to follow my blog as every day up until Christmas i will be posting a blog post!!
Have a good day
December 1st: 24 Days Leading Up To Christmas
December 2nd: Giving At Christmas
December 3rd: Santa Claus was in my living room?
December 4th: Anxiety at Christmas…
I came to the realization whilst staring at the ceiling trying to forget the fact i have a huge mess around me that needs to be tidied up that i have in fact never wrote a post about lead up anxiety. Now I am aware this can also be called just anxiety but what i mean is the thought of a certain event causing you to have anxiety for a long period of time.. As anxiety doesn’t just occur on the day of the event it can start from weeks before, the mere thought of it sending you into a panic. At this current moment in time i am in fact going through this, an upcoming mouth surgery i have to have playing in the back of my mind constantly. The thought absolutely terrifying me.
Personally i go through this many times, often leaving things till the last possible moment i can purely so the length of time i have anxiety about it is shortened. I remember when i traveled to bath and the whole 5 hour journey there i was in a pure panic and in tears on the phone the whole time. The night before that i cried myself to sleep at the thought, it petrifying me that i would have to go so far and leave so much behind for a period of days. This had occurred since the day i brought my tickets, im not saying i wasn’t excited because i was. It was a weekend to be able to go to the x factor and have time to myself but i just couldn’t stop myself from feeling anxious and sick and constantly bursting out in tears.
Another time i remember is when i went on a college trip, i had stayed at my nans the night before meaning i had already been away from my mum for a night already and i can just remember myself hiding in the spare room crying because i didn’t really want to go but back then i felt like i had something to prove to people as i had left school and didn’t really have anything going for me. I ended up spending every night crying because my anxiety completely took over me and i just threw up constantly, it making it worse by the fact i had to share a room and a toilet with several people so i never did get a minute to myself.
I remember before i got bad and i was able to travel i had traveled to London but spent the whole week leading up to it in bed throwing up and constantly feeling extremely anxious only to get to London and completely break down. Then when my anxiety got worse i would book things but spend the whole time before them panicking, crying in my bedroom and if i thought about it too much i would throw up and be in bed sick for a few days. The pressure on top of the anxiety to go making everything worse, making me become poorly so i never did go, meaning i had spent all that money and felt all that anxiousness for nothing.
I haven’t yet thought of a way to solve it as at this moment in time im not even attempting to travel anywhere or do anything out of my dept as i know just how bad it would turn out. You see ive had many suggestions thrown at me. Dont think about it? Thats impossible when its your main trigger, when you know it will probably end up in a disaster. Go through with it anyway? Oh how i wish i was one of those people that could ignore my anxiety and still travel but im not. I know my anxiety controls me but thats something i need to sort out for myself.
You see many people tell you to go through with something and then your anxiety for that would disappear but i dont think they understand to an extent just how bad it can get. They cater for the anxiety you get at the precise moment you’re going through with it, they dont at all think about the anxiety leading up to it. The tiny feeling that is constantly there throughout your days reminding you about it and niggling away at your thoughts. In my long history of counselling i have never once been given any help with the everyday anxiety, the little attacks you have when leading up to something big, they have only ever focused on a big event and i think thats where they’re going wrong.
Do any of you have a way you help your anxiety leading up to things? Im open for suggestions.