Moving house update..

When writing my last blog post my emotions were everywhere. I hated the fact that change was coming and only a couple of days later I would be made to move out of my childhood home. I hated that i didn’t particularly have a say in what was happening and i was moving into a place i HATED with a passion. I didn’t understand and i didn’t like the change so quite naturally i was upset and angry at everything around me.

It’s now coming up to 2 weeks in the new place and my mind has completely changed, I love it. I mean it does come with its downfalls which we are slowly getting over but all in all it’s not as terrible as i thought it would be.

I miss the old house, I miss the stairs and i miss the independence we had from the neighbours, having our own garden and being able to be somewhat inconsiderate when it came to music levels (to an extent might i add as my dad is VERY strict about the volume of music). I miss only having my Nan at the top of the road and being able to pop down for dinner without having her worrying about me getting back home in the dark. I miss the independence i had from everyone else in the house, somewhere i could escape and not have the worry of having anyone walking in constantly.

However with every negative there are so many positives. The new place is right near town meaning not only is my dad able to get out more but I don’t feel as panicky if i happen to want to go out on my own, its close to many of my friends houses which means i dont particularly have to walk far to get there (kind of a selfish thought but its fine). The doctors is literally round the corner which is extremely beneficial with all the doctors and hospital appointments we seem to have in our family and the area where we live now is extremely quiet. We dont have the banging music from neighbours each side and we dont have people fixing cars in our garage out the back. Its pure bliss.

I love it.

I wish I could say the same for my dog though, bless her soul. She didn’t quite understand the first night we stayed here which is understandable. However the poor girl barks at absolutely everything at the moment. We’re hoping it eventually calms down and she just needs to get used to the place, hopefully then i can get a full nights sleep. She is however doing extremely well with not having free range of a garden like she used too. You see our garden isn’t attached to our place, it is in fact a shared garden so we have to go out our front door and through another door to access it which was my main concern as in the old house we used to leave the door open all day for her to freely go in and out and i expected some accidents from her until she adapted but she’s had none whatsoever, shes surprised me by how well shes adapted.

With all the feelings and thoughts of the initial move out the way lets rewind back to moving day. We officially moved all our stuff on a Wednesday, i know during the week is somewhat a strange day but it was really the only day possible. At first we were super stressed on how we were going to manage what with my parents unable to help due to health issues and my siblings not being able to help as one is pregnant and the other was at work, this meaning i was originally going to need to step up. However we had THE best removal men. They done absolutely everything for us, meaning i could go to the new place and make sure i was there when they arrived and everything went into their rightful place. I honestly can not fault them at all, they were polite, gentle with our personal belongings and even made sure my dad didn’t chip in like we knew he would want too. It took around 3 hours to move all of our stuff and by the end of the Wednesday our beds were up and we were half unpacked into our new place. Id like to say we stayed up with that pace of unpacking but 2 weeks later and my mirror is still standing in my bedroom covered in bubble wrap (I’ll get there eventually). The first night was beyond strange and completely different to what i thought it would be. For the first time in years the whole house was able to sit in the front room and just chat and laugh all night whilst eating doughnuts and its up there with one of my favourite memories. The second day was tough, i was feeling awful. As much as i want to say i overdid it, i was missing the old place and feeling overly emotional about all the changes. I was feeling anxious about how the neighbours would react to the dog and whether they were polite or scary. I over thought the fact that we only had one door meaning the only way to get out in a fire if the door was blocked would be the window and the thing that makes me most anxious all the time, the carbon monoxide alarm wasn’t set up.

As the last 2 weeks have gone on i feel myself settling in more and liking the place more and more everyday, do i think i will ever love it more than the old house? no, not at all. I would move back there in a heartbeat if i could but im excited for all the new memories to come in our new place and i cant wait to share them with you all.

Have a good day

Sky x

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The biggest change in my life so far..

Lets throw it back to 2003 when little 6 year old me was told the exciting news that we had finally got a house after living in a tiny flat with my nan for a lengthy period of time, we were finally all going to have our own space and better yet our own bedrooms. The excitement and happiness you feel just to know of all the space you’re going to get to run around, the garden you’re finally going to have to be able to run around without the watchful and very worrying eye following you around constantly. As you can imagine it was an amazing feeling.

Lets fast forward to now. 14 years in this house, the memories that have been collected that 6 year old me could have only dreamed of having. 20 year old me now getting ready to leave.

If you’ve been reading my blog for a while you’ll know that both my parents arent quite well, especially my dad. Recently after an appointment we were made aware that his mobility can become very limited in a short space of time. Obviously in a house with alot, exactly 13 (I’ve counted them many times), stairs it just isn’t practical. If anything at first we were hoping on adapting the house to what might be needed but quite frankly that just wasn’t manageable. I mean if i could pick absolutely any scenario that would be it. Instead we started what we thought would be a lengthy battle for a new place, a place adapted and fully accessible from each angle.

This is the stage we’re at now, the stage my emotional self is writing from. We found a place, a place that is pretty much everything that is needed for us yet here i am feeling like an ungrateful spoilt brat at the thought of having to move from a house filled with so many memories. I cant really remember not living in this house, i cant remember a memory that doesn’t involve these certain rooms. Quite frankly i couldn’t imagine a memory without them.

With every new place there is ups and downs and things you will and will not like, having experienced these along with my nan and her many moves i feel that comes naturally to any place yet here i am despising a place straight away just because its not my childhood home. I feel like im not able to vision it being home or giving it a fair chance because of having such an emotional attachment to our current home. For example i find myself worrying and overthinking the most stupidest of things like will my dog like the new place or will it confuse her and make her unhappy, how will the place fair overtime, will it still be as great and how can we possibly downside such a big house into such a small space and it still be livable. Im aware how silly this all sounds but my mind is my mind and its always worked in mysterious ways.

I am in fact writing this in advance to when it’s going to be posted meaning we in fact haven’t said yes to the new place nor have we got the keys until around 3 days time and when this is posted we will probably be way into the dept of moving in and somehow finding out how to get rid of several cardboard boxes that suddenly have no use to them, i may feel differently then or i may feel exactly the same i haven’t a clue but ill be sure to update you all when we eventually move in and get settled.

Have a good day 

Sky x

My thoughts on traveling to London in the future…

My thoughts are anything but happy. I thought finally travelling to London would break a cycle and allow me to have more of my life back but honestly im probably more petrified to go back then i was to go in the first place.

I can’t put my finger on it, for days after going i was all hyped up and even thinking of planning a proper shopping trip in London and then suddenly that stopped and was replaced by panic attacks about going again and being in such a different environment. Which thinking about it logically that environment wouldn’t be as bad considering I’ve now been there once before, i don’t know but the thought of going again is not something that keeps my mind and thoughts settled.

It got me thinking, we all have this idea that as soon as we beat a demon inside of us that it would immediately go away or disappear to a point that still enables us to do something new when in fact its anything but that. If anything it consumes your thoughts even more because you have all the good memories from that one time but you also have all the fear that you experienced whilst trying to get there. The fear that is the route to why you stop doing certain things in the first place. The sickness, the bad thoughts and the idea of wanting to get off at every train station inbetween where you’re meant to go because at least you’d be closer to home then what you intend to be. It makes you feel more claustrophobic and the tightness that was in your throat before almost doubles. Caught in a state of mind that you dont want to feel that fear again but you want to feel that happiness always. Happiness is something you are told to base your whole life around, that happiness is the key but you’re not told how to act when your mind isn’t allowing you to reach your own happiness.

If im being completely honest i dont know if i ever will get to London again, i would love to. I mean theres only so long you can walk around my tiny town before getting bored of all the constant shops that are appearing one week and disappearing the next. I want to go to get pictures, to experience the shopping and to see friends i haven’t seen in a while but i don’t know if i ever will. I suppose this is what they call that wishful thinking.

I know i can do it, I’ve already done it once and proved to myself that it was possible and i could fully enjoy myself whilst im out there so the fact im even more anxious to go back then what i was confuses me even more. I’ve never really experienced a feeling like this before so its all a new learning curve for me, whether its one i begin to understand is another story.

Have a good day

Sky x

I feel let down.

As many of you know i wrote a blog post a while back on my mums mystery illness and what she has to go through on a daily basis, lately her illness has only gotten worse and her body is so exhausted 24/7 that shes been experiencing pains in every part of her body and has had a dramatic weight loss . I was lucky enough to get a response on my last blog post off a lady who said she could possibly have something called ‘cynical vomiting syndrome’ and if im honest with you i was elated because after looking it up it was exactly what my mum had been going through for as long as i can remember. Personally i would like to thank the woman who took time out of her day to write such a helpful comment, thank you Jess White, because it was the closest we have been to an insight on what could potentially be wrong.

Now as my doctor was always in high command we had to wait over a month and a half to be able to get my mum into an appointment and over that time she progressively got worse and obviously we worried. Eventually her appointment came which when we got there he had a 62 minute delay (which again is normal and we are perfectly ok with) and i wrote everything i needed to down in a bid to at least get some sort of tests or confirmation from the doctor himself. Did we? No. Instead we got a doctor accusing my mum of it all being in her head as she felt guilty for something and felt the need to punish herself.

To say im disgusted would be an understatement. My mum has been poorly for over 20 years. Never in my life have i had the chance to make plans with my mum months before without a fear it would need to be cancelled because she got ill. Shes missed parents evenings, performances and award ceremonies for all three of her children. Shes thrown her guts up for 2 weeks every month for YEARS to be told that its all in her head, that its all a fake reality that shes set up herself.

He didn’t do an examination, he didn’t ask her questions and he merely looked at the paper i had taken time out of my day to write in order for him to understand for the ten thousandth time for him to glance at it, take a look at my mum and assume from that look that there is indeed nothing wrong with her.

Personally i felt like we were being rushed out because he was crazy behind in his schedule and its making me second guess ever going back to him again. Granted it may have been a one off but i feel as though we were shrugged off and my mum was made to be this crazy woman who faked an illness for over half her life.

We are going to get a second opinion, at a different doctors and even to a specialist if need be as personally i dont feel as though anything that doctor said has any relevance to what we asked of him today. As someone who witnesses my mum every day going through this it breaks my heart that at the one chance we got to finally get an answer that we were shrugged off. Was it because we are constantly at the doctors trying to get an answer? Possibly. Im sorry we’re so desperate to help my mum lead a normal life for once but i will continue until someone takes us seriously.

Ill keep you updated.

Have a good day

Sky x

 

Embarrassing anxiety moment?….

Last night i went on a night out, a night out that ive probably been out to untold times. A night out that always starts and ends the same so gives me somewhat help in getting my mind ready for if something may happen. Last night however it was anything but normal. The start of the night was perfectly fine, in fact we started half way through the day and i was able to have a really good and relaxed time. My chest pains were hurting, an effect of my own stupidity may i add, but apart from that everything was fine.

We had a few pre-drinks you know the normal of drink more, spend less when you’re out sort of thing that everyone’s does and it was going alright. Now im not going to go into detail about the events that happened because not only would that be rude of me but its not something that i feel would be appreciated in being plastered on the internet so instead im going to skip forward to my major attack.

I wish i could explain what started it specifically but if im honest with you i haven’t got a clue. Its that feeling that takes over you and then you’re more then aware that everyone else is around you and probably looking at why you are acting somewhat strange so in true Sky fashion i went to the toilet. Not only to try and calm myself down but to also avoid making a dick out of myself. I still did. I thought i had fully calmed down turns out as soon as i came out of the toilet i completely lost it and went into a pretty mild anxiety attack (mild for me anyway)

I always feel with my blog i should let everyone know that its not something to be embarrassed about and you shouldn’t feel that way. Its true you shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean you dont. I cant even begin to explain to you how stupid i felt as soon as it had passed, how embarrassed i was that people had to witness that in such a public place. I mean granted at the end of it i was able to carry on with my night and get drunk and forget about it but as soon as i woke up this morning i just felt horrid. You see when you have an anxiety attack you’re somewhat embarrassed over what you’re anxious about, its a natural feeling but when you have that feeling plus completely losing it to the level i did, its beyond embarrassing, i could cry thinking about it right now.

Its made me somewhat more self conscious. I wont be rushing out anywhere anytime soon, i doubt ill have any plans made simply because i need my time to get over such embarrassment so until then i’ll probably dissolve back into my little safe bubble i have. Not that it makes it any better. Having an anxiety attack that bad in front of people effects you in EVERY way. I dont want to be around people, i dont want to risk that happening again and i just dont want anyone to know me right now, thats the level of embarrassment i feel every time one of those attacks happen. It sounds silly and im aware it sounds silly like everything i write about probably sounds silly in one point of view but its real and it happens regularly.

On the plus side my makeup stayed in tact!

Have a good day 

Sky x

The insecurities that come with my anxiety…

For this blog post i thought i would talk about the insecurities that come along with my anxiety as i feel as though that should be made just as big of an issue as the anxiety is. As it is we aren’t seen as something important or worth while to acknowledge but with the fact hardly anyone around us is truly aware of the causes of anxiety means along with the anxiety comes a hell of a lot more insecurities.

I basically live my life clouded by insecurities and fear. If im not scared of going somewhere im scared of the reactions i might get from some people or the talks that may go on behind my back about my situation or my reaction to something. For example, my anxiety has stopped me travelling plenty of times to the point i just dont bother anymore because i waste so much money on travel and hotels etc only to never use them because i become too scared last minute and i suppose you could say i chicken out. This means if i made plans with someone they get extremely upset and angry about it and i cant help but feel as though they despise me in some way even though they are aware of my situation. The issue is, some of you may just be thinking well why dont i say no, im too paranoid. I can physically not say no to someone through the fear of being judged in some way and made out to be a weakling, i assume this is something that i have gotten from my childhood as i was always seen as the weakling and the person that everyone would take the mick out of if i said no. So im left in a problem, i know i probably wont be able to force myself to go when the event pops up but i become anxious in the idea of their reaction when i say no.

It effects me massively because then i say no or i muck people around so much that i become a talking point and they just dont bother asking me anymore, instead they take the mick out of my situation and it hurts me beyond belief and they are so unaware because to them its funny how i am unable to get on any transport. I must say i do have some amazing friends who are well aware of my situation and are 100% supportive constantly and would never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable, nor would they push me beyond what they thought would stress me out. There’s just those people that dont quite understand the severity. Its not just failing to turn up to me, its panic, guilt, exhaustion and a whole week of trying to get my body to properly recover from something that i am aware is nothing.

Obviously the loss of experience and just being able to have those memories is something that is quite damaging because even though it seems silly, i have nothing that i could possibly share from what i have experienced so far in my life. Im stuck in an everyday routine too scared to even leave my town meaning there is no new memories that i share with anyone that stands out and when it comes to a conversation with a group of people and they’re on about something i was unable to go to due to my anxiety, it really hurts. I mean they arent aware because they’re just reminiscing on good times but it makes me feel beyond pathetic that i missed out on those memories because i was too scared to be able to do something to get there.

Relationships are a main factor in life especially if like me your main goal is to one day settle down with a nice family. With anxiety its very rare that i have the courage to approach someone or even talk to them as the thought just petrifies me. I just assume that as soon as they find out the littlest detail about me it will turn beyond tragedy or even that they dont have any connection with me whatsoever and they’re just doing it as a joke for a group chat. So it never happens meaning i NEVER speak to anyone new nor do i go and meet anyone because i am too anxious and beside myself with panic that i cant even think about it. Everything that could possibly go wrong works its way clockwise in my brain until its blocking the pathway so nothing else is able to work itself in.

If im honest with you i could go on forever about the insecurities that my anxiety brings. The way it effects my life even when its not present which i must admit lately is just about never. The way im unable to allow myself to do things or freely speak my mind without feeling anxious about the outcome of what one might say.

As i mentioned earlier on in this post something that has helped me cope lately is my friends. Where i live i have some amazing friends, some ive known forever and some that i have only recently met but they are AMAZING. I feel as though they properly understand what im going through and they go over absolutely everything in order to make sure i dont feel as anxious at events. I remember once i was at a party with them and my anxiety was beyond sky high so i ended up just sitting there on the verge of tears and almost immediately they sensed something was wrong and took me in another room. Its comforting to know that even though in this crazy world of people that have absolutely no clue what my brain is like that there are these small amounts of precious people that take time out of their busy lifes to understand and make life abit easier for me. I must admit i do feel less anxious about things around them and i do feel as though i can do more with their support around me but i’ll let you know in July how true that is!

Have a good day

Sky x

A year of blogging!!

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This week officially marked a year of me blogging which to me seems crazy. I remember i had set my blog up at least a year before i officially started posting but was too scared of what people thought about the things i wrote, seems silly now thinking back to it but to me it was a big step in letting the world know something about me that i hadn’t quite gotten my head around myself yet.

Right from the beginning my blog was always about my mental health and in some ways it was too personal but it was something i wanted. I was either going to put my all into it or nothing, i wasn’t going to be half hearted. I mean im aware to some people i may still post things too personal online and thats okay because im aware everyone has their own opinions on what should be posted and kept private however this is to help other people and if putting myself out there more then i normally would helps someone then im completely up for that.

This year i haven’t really strayed too far from what i know in blogging, I’ve kept it pretty simple and i did try and follow the crowd in some respect but i later realised that isn’t where i want to go, i want to stay grounded and pretty back to basics with my blog. A long with my blog growing so have i, I’ve become stronger as a person and my mental heath isn’t quite the state it was so long ago, granted I’ve hit some major stumps along the way and my life has been anything but smooth this past year, thats the journey of life i suppose.

I thank everyone who has read my blog since I’ve started writing it and i thank everyone who has joined in on my journey since. Nothing makes me happier then knowing someone is enjoying reading what i write and maybe even benefiting from it.

Here’s to the next year!

Have a good day

Sky x