Being named the nit girl in school?

Yes, im finally addressing THAT name.

For the people that went to school with me this title will be somewhat appealing to them, making them feel as though they were right in some respect to the words they spread around about me. Im pretty sure they want me to sit here and say for the years i was named it they were right, sorry to disappoint. Im not going to deny and say I’ve never had head lice. I have, in year 7 i had quite a bad case of them actually but very quickly they were resolved, white vinegar is a wonderful thing (if you’re wondering). However i guess someone saw one whilst i was trying to treat them and thats when it started.

You see it probably doesn’t help at the fact i have the most sensitive scalp as years of eczema have somewhat scraped away at my head which means no matter whether i had head lice or not i was nearly always scratching and then it got to the point that it became almost like a coping mechanism instead of being for any reason in particular. This didn’t help my case.

For years i felt confined into this name. That everything i did was being watched. I couldn’t scratch my head, i couldn’t sit in a classroom without having to look around constantly to see if anyone was watching me. It felt like i was being suffocated for something i didn’t have and it never stopped. If anything it got worse, when people grew up it became this big disgusting thing to have and i get that its not the best thing to have nor is it something particular boast worthy but it is far from disgusting, its actually pretty common if you look it up.

I remember in year 9 i had been in such a bad head space throughout the summer holidays that i started school months late and i was so scared of being in class and it didn’t help that i knew no one because it was the start of our option year so the classes had been switched. I remember a girl that i used to know, who till this day im not entire sure why but she HATED me with a passion, every time the teacher would announce someone to sit next to me because of a seating plan she would announce to them that i was beyond riddled with head lice which meant a scene would be caused and i ended up walking out the class to the main office to then be escorted back to the class and luckily sat at a table with people that were somewhat friendly to me but that never stopped the looks.

If anything it knocked my confidence for years. Yes i had head lice in the most important year of secondary school and yes im more then aware that the impressions you make in year 7 stick with you for life but to scrutinize someone and make them feel petrified every day for something that had been treated years before is ridiculous. I still to this day scratch my head and i still to this day feel self conscious every time i do it. Its ridiculous im aware but i feel as though because that name followed me throughout my school years it’ll still follow me now.

Im an adult now and im more then open to talk about any situation i faced so this isn’t one that will particularly phase me or throw me back with comments that could be aimed at me in respect to this. Im perfectly fine with it all but if you’re wondering no i no longer have head lice and in fact i haven’t had head lice since year 7. Some people may argue back with what they think they saw but im pretty sure i know my own head of hair.

I just want people to be more aware of how damaging labeling someone a name can be. How giving someone that name constantly can effect them in the future way past when you lose contact with them and how their confidence can be constantly knocked down because of it. I just want people to treat everyone with care and respect.

Have a good day

Sky x

Should children be made to do presentations in class?

As some of you are aware my posts have taken a turn into the education part of things lately. This mainly being because as i am turning 20 im not looking into doing anymore education. I mean i wouldn’t say never because one day i might want to re look into some sort of education if i become interested in taking a particular path but right now i have no need or want to go into anymore education. This made me think about all the things i find somewhat wrong with the education system. Now i am in no way saying it is the same for every single person and every single school because obviously i have no idea whether that could be the case as i am only one person experiencing it at one school.

However i realised that when you hit, mainly year 9 sometimes before, you are made to partake in a Speaking and Listening controlled assessment. If you’re not sure what this is, its basically where you are given a topic to go and revise to then give a presentation about in front of your class. You are then graded on how you give your presentation before being graded on how well you are listening to other peoples presentations. The listening part is as easy as it sounds. You turn up to class, sit there and look in any direction and the teacher doesn’t really bat an eyelid towards it.

The speaking part is a whole different story. With my very first speaking and listening presentation i was in year 9. I had told the teacher about my situation and how i felt extremely uncomfortable and somewhat sick to present to the front of the class and i even offered to come in my spare time to the staff room and present it to the teachers. It was easier for me that way, i was able to cope. Instead of guiding me along and helping me find a situation that suited not only my comfort but also gave the teacher what she wanted, i was made and forced into a situation that i could only describe as hell. I was told if i didn’t complete the speaking and listening presentation in front of everyone then she was going to fail me on not only the speaking part but the listening part aswell. Not only that but she made me believe this was a big chunk towards my final grade. As a year 9 student this is something you dont want to mess up. It being the year you were out to impress and hopefully set up for your future GCSE classes.

I wish i could say i was one of those people who found it nervous but eventually got over it and faced my fear but i wasn’t. What the teacher failed to see that day was that granted you get nervous when doing a presentation, nerves is a normal thing but when you’re panicking, having days off because of the fear, losing sleep and crying your eyes out thats when the teacher needs to reevaluate the situation to suit both of your needs.

I do think if you’re in a school then you should have to do everything everyone else does, maybe at different levels and different ways but you are still able to do everything. So i do think we should do speaking and listening presentations, i just think we should do them in a different way.

I can present in front of my friends fine. I can present in front of teachers fine. I cant present in front of an entire class that mostly hate me with the thought on my mind that if i do something out of line it will stick with me forever. I cant present and have 30 sets of eyes of people i feel uncomfortable around in an everyday situation staring back at me just waiting for me to mess up and quite frankly when you have popular people in your class its never really ever comfortable even walking into the room.

I feel as though people with mental health are expected to show it constantly and constantly have to prove to people that they really do have it and it sickens me. It sickens me that in year 9 i was never taken seriously and made to do something that made me make myself physically sick and it sickens me that it probably is still going on today. I personally dont understand what makes it different between presenting in front of your class and presenting in front of a couple of friends. They are judging you on your presenting, the way you handle yourself and how you get the information across and that should be the main thing.

If they feel comfortable doing presentations or they’re just a little nervous then im all for giving them a little nudge but if you constantly give someone a nudge and are aware of how uncomfortable it makes them then stop. I don’t understand why anyone who is aware of how physically draining it is for a person is able to just keep pushing them until it effects their health in such a way they’re unable to even think of going into school

Education is important, yes but your health mentally and physically is a hell of alot more important then your education. Dont let someone tell you it isn’t.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, Secondary School.

Going into Secondary school was never going to be easy, it taking me 6 years already to settle into a school with people i knew the whole time not really making me feel confident about how i was going to settle into a completely new school with a new schedule, new children and a whole new layout. As some of you may be aware before you go into secondary school you have two induction days. I only went to one and the one day i did attend i cried the entire day, i HATED it. I felt trapped and the fact that the rest of the years looked down on us and thought they could get away with treating us however they wanted didn’t help but add to my already off the scale anxiety. This meant that on the second induction day i went straight back to that girl i had left behind only half a year ago. Sobbing my heart out every morning and putting my parents through absolute hell due to the fear i had.

Year 7 – 2008

Year 7 was a year of complete change for me. I had gone from having that safety network of being walked right to the classroom door to only being walked up to my nans and then walking with my sister and brother into school. I had gone to having these different classes with different teachers that didn’t understand the past situations or how to handle it correctly and worse of all, i had gone from everyone being equal in the classroom to it all being about being at the top of the popularity table. It was like a war zone to me.

However apart from the obvious changes, looking back at my report i seemed to do perfectly fine work wise. My grades being very high and only having 1 C for the end of year, the rest being A’s and B’s. Which taking into consideration everything that was going on in that time of my life i can only be shocked about.

Getting further into the year however, in geography especially, my mood seemed to start changing towards how i would act when things would happen.

“It is also a concern to me that when Sky is corrected for something such as turning around or talking, she tends to react negatively and become upset rather than taking the correction on board”

I remember that subject very well and although i dont particularly remember the teacher very well i do remember one incident where i had gotten so upset i walked out of the class and locked myself in the toilet. I had been humiliated in front of the entire class by the teacher and to me that was my worst nightmare come true. After that i bunked off Geography as much as i could.

I suppose a plus for me in some ways is that by the time i was in year 7 my sister and brother were both known by pretty much every teacher as they were a couple of years in front of me and compared to them i was an angel so i managed to get away with alot more then i should have, thankfully.

Maths: “Sky is an enthusiastic student who takes pride in her work. Sky works best when in a small group but will still need to participate in the whole class discussions. She is a little quiet in class and i am concerned that she does not always ask if she does not fully understand the task that has been set”

English: “Sky is most often focused and ready to participate. She can be a hard working and conscientious student”

Science: “Sky is making good progress in Science. She asks and answers questions and is always willing to share her thoughts and ideas with the class”

 

Year 8 – 2009

I feel as though year 8 was the year i settled back again into someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the school atmosphere but knew i just had to get on with it. Granted i still had alot more time off school but i didn’t feel as petrified to go in. I mean there was the odd rumours going round but at the end of the day i wasn’t going to let something silly effect me so deeply.

I dont really have any memories of year 8 other then knowing it was a big year as it was the last year i would have to go along with the standard lessons for school as at the end of the year i would be able to choose what i felt confident in doing.

Even though my grades stayed quiet steady reading through my report its clear that my confidence was taking a tumble. This was the year i would become unable to do presentations or present anything to a group of people.

English: “Sky can explain her opinions clearly, although she needs to ensure she displays herself confidently in presentations”

Maths: “I would like Sky to be more vocal in the classroom both with asking questions and sharing ideas as i worry this may hinder her progress in later years”

Science: “Sky is a confident and charismatic member of the group who is only too willing to share her ideas and opinions”

Year 9 – 2010

Where to start with this year. Everything changed. My lessons, the people in those lessons and the importance of what i was doing. It quite frankly petrified me. This is where bullying really was an issue. An issue to the point at the start of year 9 i didn’t attend school for at least 2 months. I felt horrible. Like those little rumours going around in school had sudden become even worse and i was trapped and unable to make any friends because they all saw me in the same way merely because the people who had spread the rumours were among the popular lot and to be honest in school everyone’s basically chained to their arse.

This meant that before i had even started getting into learning the options i had chosen i was behind. My grades had slipped and i was somewhat struggling to keep up. This is also the year i had gone back to making a fuss about going to school. Every morning i would say i was poorly to push my luck and see if i was able to have the day off of school. Sadly this is also the year my dad had to quit work because of health issues meaning i wasn’t able to get away with just as much time off as i used too.

My English grades had slipped from an A to a C. My maths from an A to a D and BTEC science i was failing. It was basically a year where my mental health became more prominent in my life but at the time it didn’t occur to anyone that was happening. I didn’t even know that these issues existed, we were never taught about mental health or the effects it could have on a person let alone what to look out for when diagnosing.

When i did finally go back into school i came to the realization that a few of my new option classes were fine. Hospitality and catering only having 7 people in it and all of them being somewhat friendly so i managed to cope. My option ICT being the same, everyone got along. They were quite possibly the only subjects in school that i was able to just sit and relax too. Then halfway through the year everything got bad again and with doing presentations being a compulsory thing in school subjects i had a complete meltdown and felt myself reaching bottom again and not being able to go into school, skipping days and even lessons whenever i could. Add all that with the fact i didn’t particular get along with my English teacher as it was, it was like hell for me.

English, Lesson attendance 74.5% :“Sky needs to spend more time on her class and her home work, as it can sometimes be unfinished or not completed to the highest of standard. Her controlled assessment is up to date except for her performance piece which needs to be completed as soon as possible. Sky achieved a band 2 on her recent controlled assessment and should be aiming for a band 4/5”

Maths, Lesson attendance 76.5%: “Sky is currently working at a grade B and is a focused member of the group who wants to achieve a high grade. Skys class work is good quality and she finds it easy to understand new topics”

Science, Lesson attendance 74.3%: “Sky is a hard working and conscientious student who always produces a good standard of work. Sky should be proud of her achievements this year”

Year 10 – 2011

What can i say about this year other then it was the start of my complete downhill spiral. I sadly dont have a report for this year as i was just not at school that much to be able to receive one. Quite frankly during this year if i was at school it was a miracle. I was behind on all my work and setting myself up for a fail.

I had changed classes yet again which caused me an unnecessary amount of stress. I had been kept in BTEC science when i had really wanted to be put into a GCSE class for that year so i spent the first couple of lessons sorting my move out to another class, who i was lucky enough to have an amazing teacher for.

I had English with a different teacher which i was happy about but my old teacher had spoke about me so much in the staff room that i felt somewhat scared of any English teacher as i had been given so many funny looks from them all, even given snide marks by my old English teacher whilst they were around. Turns out the day she realised i wasn’t in her class anymore she made a funny remark about it in front of the entire class. Another confidence knock.

This year was filled with loads of knock downs if im honest with you. I remember an incident in business where the shape of my hair bun became topic of conversation which led me to cut my hair to a reasonable length so i could have it in a ponytail, i remember just walking to class no problem and a girl making a remark about not putting some foam on me because i would cry like a baby and the worst one of all, i remember going into maths late one day as i had a form meeting with my tutor which at one point everyone had to have and i had been told to pick a group to join. Being a normal person i picked a group with one of my friends in only to be met with the loud and very rude remark of “I dont want her joining our group” The entire class laughed. I have never in my entire life felt as humiliated and hurt as i did that moment. Not one person stuck up for me or said something back for the remark and that is something that i will always remember from School.

Year 11 – 2012

I say year, it was more like a few weeks. A few weeks that fully petrified me into never wanting my future kids to go into a school, to never want them to experience education in the way i did. The year hadn’t started off very well as it was, although i had all the same classes, luckily. There had been an incident which meant there was a lot of fuss. Im sure ive mentioned this before but im not going into it, we are grown ups now and thats a thing of the past, a thing i do not hold any grudges or anything for and a situation that just needs to be forgotten now.

I had been pulled out of classes by teachers non stop, not only for this situation but for other reasons such as my attendance already failing and my work going dramatically downhill. The issue i had a problem with is they were moaning about my work going downhill but it was them that were taking me out of class for god knows how long to have a long rant at me about what was expected of me. This meaning i was losing vital time on my lessons for my GCSEs.

Now due to everything i didn’t quite see the point in going into school. My mental health had gotten to a very severe point at this stage and it was in fact my dad who said to me if i wanted to leave school that was up to me and he would be 100% behind me. Now i must admit leaving school at the start of the most important year there is was not something i thought i would ever be doing. I wanted to do my GCSEs, go to six form and hopefully get into university but here i was stuck in a situation where i was going to lessons crying my eyes out over the stress and the anxiety of everything. One situation getting so bad that i had been crying my eyes out in the toilet for 20 minutes before going back into lesson to only go straight in and ending up sobbing my eyes out for the rest of the lesson. Luckily my science teacher was a very understanding man.

That was the day i had enough and i called my mum and said to her to come and get me, that was the day i had cemented in my mind that i was leaving school and not coming back. That was also the day a teacher had called my mum an unfit mother but again thats not something i am going to get into.

So thats pretty much my entire school life written out for you all in stages to help you understand properly just when everything started to go wrong. I left school with no GCSEs and the worst mental health but here i am today. Different achievements thanks to college and a mental health that is slowly improving. I may have felt like i ruined many years of my life with a situation that made me feel beyond fixable but i was lucky enough to gain some amazing people in my life thanks to it.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, infants and juniors….

As i turn 20 in a week or so i decided to have a clear out of my bedroom and as i was doing so i happened to come across all my reports from when i was at school. Now as someone who likes to keep absolutely everything, going through them i realised i have nearly every report from every school year. So here is a post about the comments my teachers made and how i felt at that time and if it effected me in anyway with my work and social skills.

Pre-School – 2000.

I dont remember much about pre-school only that it was a tiny little couple of rooms that was attached to the infants school. That and there used to be a lady who worked there and had blonde hair and always wore glasses. Other then that i couldn’t really tell you anything about my experience there as i was clearly too young to remember anything. The comments i get in my report however say nothing but positive things. If anything the report makes me come across as a very confident child.

“Sky shows excellent understanding of writing having a purpose and is keen to write lists, especially at role play activities. She has the confidence to sing songs to the group”

For as long as i can remember i would never get up in front of the class to present something without freaking out let alone sing to a group of people. Up until the last year or so i wouldn’t even sing loudly in my bedroom without the fear of my parents or someone hearing and making a sarcastic comment.

“Sky has a caring and affectionate nature and is an enthuasiastic and cheerful member of pre-school. She interacts well with others and often (not sure what word she uses as i am unable to understand her handwriting) group play”

Year R to Year 2

I remember year R very vividly. I remember having a boyfriend who also had 6 other girlfriends and thinking that was completely normal. I remember only having to walk a little extra to what i would have to get to my new class and my teacher being very sweet. Other then that i dont remember anything else. However i left near the end of year R to attend a school in Northampton so sadly i never got a report for that year. Nor did i for year 1 or year 2. But i remember year 2 like it was yesterday.

I remember having a teacher called Miss Scott who was horrible. By this stage i had become petrified of school and had screamed and cried every morning because i couldn’t face going in. Everyone was aware of the situation. The school, everyone in the playground and probably the whole town with how loud my screams were. However this teacher put it all down to me being a ‘spoilt brat’ so i got no sympathy in that respect. I remember two specific days very clearly.

Day 1 i had managed to somehow be persuaded to go into the classroom and i just remember sitting their during reading time crying my eyes out and when my friend came to comfort me she would have ago at them and tell them to leave me alone as i was in a mood and needed to come out of it before having any play. Day 2 is a little more embarrassing on my behalf and it haunts me every day since. My mum had tried everything to get me to go in to school with no fuss and one day she persuaded me to come to the school for a meeting and as soon as i realised i wasn’t going home with her i lost it. I remember being in the corridor screaming because i physically didn’t want to be left alone in this place that i felt so alone in. In turn i ended up seeing my mum cry her eyes out for the first time due to guilt that she was forcing me to do something that was making me in such a state. I feel as though that day effected me in some way for every day after but i dont dare mention it and bring back those memories for my mum.

Year 3 – 2004

I want to say year 3 started off great but then that would be some lie. It started off terrible. The first day of year 3 i stood in the playground and refused to go in. I had my hair cut short and i felt stupid. I felt like i was going to get bullied now i was in this entirely new school with people i didn’t particularly know. This in turn caused a huge scene in front of my new classmates and my new teacher which just about set me up for the entire year.

Looking on the positive side of school for once. My teacher was great. She had my brother the previous year meaning her and my mum were on a page they both understood and everything wasn’t so scary for my mum to leave me in her care.

“Sky is usually a happy friendly child. She works with enthusiasm and interest, always trying her best. She always listens well when lessons are being introduced and in discussion will often offer thoughtful contributions to the topic under discussion”

Despite my wobbles during the year in year 3 i had full attendance. I attended school 100%. Which you’ll come to realise is a one off for me. Im quite shocked myself actually looking at the attendance sheet. Thats not something i expected to see. In year 3 i did my Interim tests and my results are pretty impressive. Reading being a 3C. Writing being a 2B and maths being a 2B.

Year 4 – 2005

I dont remember year 4 that well. Im not sure why but its just not something thats stuck in my mind like the other years. I remember the teacher very clearly. We didn’t get along. I was always on the end of her lectures somehow. I could go through my report with you but quite frankly its just a whole load of writing of her putting me down in some part of my work and its not something i look on very fondly. I mean granted i wasn’t the smartest in my years at school but i didn’t have trouble at all with doing things correctly and having work done on time. She seemed to disagree clearly.

“Sky is very keen to do well and does try her best most of the time. She must remember not to rush her work and to check for easily correctable mistakes”

Again looking back on my attendance for year 4 im shocked. I have a 96.8% attendance. I mean granted although i was having trouble going in everyday it hadn’t gotten to the point where it was affecting me very widely.

Year 5 – 2006

Shoutout to my teacher for this year. Mr O’Neill. He was absolutely amazing especially as this year was quite possibly the worst out of all of the years i went to school. I absolutely hated it by this point. Refusing to go into school and getting away with it because my dad was at work so i could just bunk off as most of the time my mum was poorly. By this point every one in the school was aware of what a horror i was in the morning. It getting to a point where my learning was affected as i would get myself in such a state that i wouldn’t be able to concentrate for the rest of the day.

“Sky is an able girl who has maintained a good standard across the subject range. She listens well and can express her opinion clearly. Sky needs to work hard to begin the day without the show of tears and moans that she puts you through. Despite all the support offered to her by Mrs Gee and the school, Sky has it in her own control to curb the daily performance. She must maintain regular attendance and tackle each day in a positive cheery manner”

It going so far that the headteachers comment was also involved.

“Now that Sky is moving to year 6 i expect to hear that she is taking a far more mature to entering school in the morning. She is a bright young lady and i expect her to pull all her efforts into achieving to her potential”

I hate to think what my attendance for year 5 was as i hardly ever attended but seen as i dont seem to have an attendance slip to hand i suppose it’ll just leave us all guessing.

Year 6 – 2007

Year 6. The year we have drummed into our minds that our future could be affected by the choices we make in this specific year. The year we spend being stressed over how much our work needs to be put forward in order to achieve something we can be proud of and show off to other people.

This year was pretty ok for me if im honest. I had a few wobbles but the mornings seem to calm down by the time i got to year 6. Being in the same class for so many years i had finally gotten used to the people around me and felt comfortable going in every morning. I mean i must admit i had alot of time off school meaning i fell behind quite alot but that was just a usual thing i did by now. If something got too much i would have a couple of days off school to have a calm down about the whole situation. In year 6 however you weren’t allowed to do that. Take even an hour off to go to the dentist they would come at you about how important this year was and how you were affecting the decision on your future school.

I remember one time in year 6 where i had been a typical child and mixed blue paint with glue whilst i was cleaning it all away and my teacher absolutely let rip on me. I felt humiliated and sat there for the rest of the lesson crying my eyes out because to me i was cleaning it away and it wasn’t going to be used anyway so i didn’t see what the problem was however for her it was some out of control issue that she felt the need to humiliate me for in front of the entire class. That the meaning i had more days off as i was too embarrassed to even go into class for at least a week of two after that.

“Sky always listens well to lesson introductions and she makes good contributions to the class discussions. She also works hard at her table and has produced some wonderful pieces of work this year. Because of this, she has been my student of the week on more than one occasion. During the second half of the year Skys work speed increased dramatically and i regularly had to provide her with extra work as she was going so fast. Although i am concerned at the amount of time that she has had off school, in particular during the build up to her SATs.

My headteachers comment for the end of the school seeming to be somewhat similar

“Skys attendance for the whole year has fallen below 85% and this needs to improve next year. Over the four years i have never had to speak to Sky about anything negative”

Turns out my time off didn’t affect my SATs at all. I achieved a level 4 in everything except reading which i achieved a level 5 in. Which is a level thats above the national standard expected for most 11 year olds.

I feel as though i was very lucky as although going to school was hard for me during Juniors and Infants it doesn’t seem to have had that much of an effect on my school work, meaning i was able to achieve above average in the end even when the teachers doubted i would be able to achieve even average due to so much time off. I am no way boasting, its just how it is. I find myself very intelligent. Not overly intelligent and someone who should stand out of a crowd of people but as intelligent as you would expect a  young woman at my age to be and that is something i find a good credit about myself despite everything i have had to go through in my life.

You may have noticed this is only my Infants and Junior year. Due to this blog post being so long i felt it was only best to split it into two different blog posts as my secondary school years are filled with alot more complicated situations as the classes are all separate and there are different attendances, teacher comments and grades for each class.

Look out for my next post and feel free to sign up for email alerts when a post is posted, it will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Have a good day

Sky x

Christmas Decorating…

merry-christmas-gif-3

 

Im aware this is usually the first post everyone posts and  mean its true n the 1st of December like usual i helped decorate the main tree in our house. Yesterday however i was given a small tree to put up in my bedroom, something i’ve always wanted to do but not really had the room in previous years. This year however i was down in the biggest room so i was allowed.

Now im not really an organised person when it comes to decorating the tree, i usually just throw decorations on and hope it looks nice however this year i spent some time making sure everything looked somewhat pretty. This is the finished look:

 

Home made decorations are something special to my family so they are usually on the main tree but this year i managed to sneak the Santa i made and coloured  in year 6 into the tree on my room. Its something that gives me happy memories in such a bad tie of my life that i cant help but look back on it with joy. The angel on top of the tree is actually something very treasured in our family. Every year we go from either the star on the angel and switch between the years. Of all the years we have had to get so many new stars as they break or become tacky looking however this angel has been in my family for as long as i can remember and is still in pretty good condition considering all the bashing it has been put through over the years.

Thats pretty much it to this blog post. However i would love to see some of your trees and how you decorated yours so feel free to drop a comment or even tweet me Sky blu some pictures!

Dont forget to follow my blog as every day up until Christmas i will be posting a blog post!! 

Have a good day

Sky x

 BLOGMAS LINKS.

December 1st: 24 Days Leading Up To Christmas

December 2nd: Giving At Christmas

December 3rd: Santa Claus was in my living room?

December 4th: Anxiety at Christmas…

4 years on….

Since today marks 4 years since i made the daring decision to leave school i thought i may aswell give you all an update on my life since, the things I’ve done and whether i have improved in some areas or not.

I remember me leaving school like it was yesterday. I agree although there were other reasons involved for the final decision the main one was my health. After having a tough first month or so in year 11 i had encountered more meetings in the offices of various teachers or having accusations thrown my way at the fact teachers were sending emails around about various situations. I must admit to this day i have completely gotten over any other situation that was to do with me leaving mainly because we were children then and now we are adults, those things dont matter but the one thing i wont get over is how badly the teachers had a part in making my mental health worse. This meant for weeks i had been speaking to my parents about leaving and even though my dad is very strict with education he saw the effect it was having on me and let me choose my own route in life.

I wish i could sit here and say that it was one of the easiest decisions and routes i could’ve taken but it was far from it. I knew leaving school could be difficult but not as difficult as it was showing. After staying out of education fully for a whole year, mainly to focus on myself and just find a stable place i could rest my mind, i decided to go to Tresham college and see if there was potentially a course i could take to help me achieve at least one GCSE style level. If im honest with you i tried looking at courses to take online and other ways to get the level of achievement but i was either unable to find the funds or the situation made me too anxious so i eventually settled on a course. Luckily the course i went on was nothing like a school as we were allowed to leave the room if we felt like we needed a minute or two on our own and we had a break every now and again to stretch our legs, not to mention there was only about 5 of us in a class which lasted no longer than a couple of hours. So i felt settled, almost like this was the environment i was able to handle and i was, i got very friendly with the teacher and everyone on my course and eventually went on to get a B in English along with other life skills i may need. So the end to that course was bitter sweet for me, i wanted it to end so i could go onto bigger and better things but i didn’t as in a way that was my comfort blanket to everything i had.

The time came however and i could choose to go on another course in the direction i wanted or i could choose to go on to a princes trust course, now before i get into my experience i would like to point out that princes trust it the best opportunity ever, it gives experiences that we ourselves couldn’t even dream of, not only that but it gives you good credibility for the future. However it was a full class, full days and full commitment and i just couldn’t handle it. I mean for the first couple of weeks i was anxious but able to cope, i felt like i could potentially do this and i was able to finally make something of myself. With the princes trust course you get a week away to a destination your college chooses and my college chose a place in the middle of nowhere with about a 4 hour drive home. This petrified me, every second of every day i felt physically ill with anxiety about what could potentially happen,every second i would worry that the fact i was so far away would make something happen and i just felt uncomfortable, like i was being pushed instead of being encouraged. To make matters worse something did happen, my dad sadly got poorly and i got a call from my mum and just completely broke down in the bedroom of the place we were staying. The sad thing is my mum having to persuade the lady who was in charge to allow someone to come and get me as the lady in charge was almost questioning my mum to see how much truth was in what she was saying, i felt humiliated, almost like they were trying to accuse me of something, this meant the wait to get home was longer and the wait to see if everything was okay was longer and i just felt more anxious by the second. This meant when i eventually did get back home and was due back on the course that i just couldn’t help with feeling anxious 24/7. Like i was being judged by every single person and almost like they were gossiping about me whilst i had been away. In an instant all that progress i had made by being able to be in that type of environment was gone and i just had to get out, i had to leave the course and once again remain hidden in my bedroom.

This is when i got probably the worst i had ever been up until that point. I stayed hidden in my room for weeks on end not really wanting to be involved in anything and not really keeping contact with anyone. I knew i needed help but it was the idea of once again making progress and it being completely dashed that made me not even want to bother, this is when i first got into counselling. My mum persuaded me to go and see a doctor which lead to several medications and a couple of years of counselling which if im honest didn’t do very much in helping me achieve any type of goals i mean how could it when you basically just fill in a form and then leave.

This is when i gave up, kept hidden and decided to do what i do best and care for my family. I hardly went out for months and would stay hidden away, making sure my family members were getting their medication and being looked after in the way they needed to be, luckily i had friends that didn’t give up and on new years day this year they persuaded me to go on my first night out. Im not going to lie with abit of alcohol in my system i feel like a different person, like im able to concur the world and do everything i want to achieve but im not silly enough to think i can be drunk every second of my life and get away with it, so i went back to being hidden.

I must admit although i have improved in some areas, i go out to special occasions often pushing myself (this was only once may i add) to stay at someones house. Which i hadn’t been able to do for a long time due to the anxiety that came with it. I have gotten worse in other areas, for instant i cant go anywhere on my own, i cant be away from my parents for too long, i cant be away from my mum for even a second without that feeling in the pit of my stomach that something is horribly wrong, i cant do public transport, probably one of the worst things. I just cant be me and thats the most damaging thing.

I now go on to the next 4 years. Im unsure what they will bring and if there will be any improvements or whether ill just keep going downhill. Life is a complicated thing but we just have to go with the flow and take ourselves where it wants to lead us.

Have a good day

Sky x

 

Is School really that vital?

From a young age we’ve always had it drilled into our heads that school is the way forward, that without it we will get nowhere in life and i suppose our parents were taught the same so they only do what they deem best. Of course if your kid is quite happy to skip into school everyday or they just have the casual odd moan about it then yes, encourage your kid to go into school but if your kid is the kid that holds back from going in through to fear, that makes themselves vomit or that throws a fit that could potentially make themselves poorly, i suggest you dont.

As someone who had an issue with going into school from a young age, i was always somewhat forced, my parents didn’t mean it to have such a bad effect and i knew that. They thought they were doing what was best but it made me end up hating them. Despising them at the fact they were pushing me into something that was damaging me so badly.

You see when mental health is involved the fear of school only intensifies, mix that with the idea of sniggering people or if your kid is being picked on then that can cause massive issues for said child. I myself agree education is the up most important thing a child may need for their future and for them to continue into the path they one day want to take but is it really necessary to put their mental health at risk for it?

Education is a flexible thing, these days many parents take the brave decision on pulling their child out of school to homeschool them, some for their own reasons, some to benefit their child and others have no choice. That is still education, as long as their parents puts in the effort to learn that child the skills they will need for the future then that is an education. Theres no need for people to force children into a classroom for so many hours to learn pretty much useless things for your future when they’re absolutely petrified of the idea.

Some parents may call it cushioning your kid to take them out of a situation that petrifies them to the point they work themselves up and so be it but i myself find it more damaging leaving your child in that environment instead of stepping forward and sorting it out before their fear gets worse.

You imagine being young and being forced into a place that you are absolutely petrified of, that there sets up a fear inside of you for future schools, you’re going to assume thats your fate forever because you’re just a young child and you dont know any different but your mind has that one memory in its database forever, its just not fair.

We need to stop drumming it into our children that going to school is something they have to do and just tell them education is important no matter what way they achieve it. Mental health is more important than any results on how smart you may be at a certain time in your life, these often on skills you dont even need to continue your future career but some how they still seem to teach you about what r is etc.

I mean maybe if school were more aware of mental health and didnt just brush it under the carpet then we would be able to understand it ourselves from an early age and not just believe the things we are told about us being weak and that we should stay in the shadows, one that causes us to become somewhat a hidden, depressed version of our actual character. To me school was my enemy, school was the one thing that made me as bad as i am today and of course i agree i made some amazing memories from it but the whole concept of it and the panic i went through walking through corridors and having the pressure to be able to get certain work done in lessons whilst being paranoid that the group sitting laughing across the room were laughing at something about me, i would’ve done better sitting at home doing nothing.

Always think whats best for your child now, not whats best for their future because if you continue to put them in damaging situations their future could fade under your hands.

Have a good day

Sky x