My thoughts on traveling to London in the future…

My thoughts are anything but happy. I thought finally travelling to London would break a cycle and allow me to have more of my life back but honestly im probably more petrified to go back then i was to go in the first place.

I can’t put my finger on it, for days after going i was all hyped up and even thinking of planning a proper shopping trip in London and then suddenly that stopped and was replaced by panic attacks about going again and being in such a different environment. Which thinking about it logically that environment wouldn’t be as bad considering I’ve now been there once before, i don’t know but the thought of going again is not something that keeps my mind and thoughts settled.

It got me thinking, we all have this idea that as soon as we beat a demon inside of us that it would immediately go away or disappear to a point that still enables us to do something new when in fact its anything but that. If anything it consumes your thoughts even more because you have all the good memories from that one time but you also have all the fear that you experienced whilst trying to get there. The fear that is the route to why you stop doing certain things in the first place. The sickness, the bad thoughts and the idea of wanting to get off at every train station inbetween where you’re meant to go because at least you’d be closer to home then what you intend to be. It makes you feel more claustrophobic and the tightness that was in your throat before almost doubles. Caught in a state of mind that you dont want to feel that fear again but you want to feel that happiness always. Happiness is something you are told to base your whole life around, that happiness is the key but you’re not told how to act when your mind isn’t allowing you to reach your own happiness.

If im being completely honest i dont know if i ever will get to London again, i would love to. I mean theres only so long you can walk around my tiny town before getting bored of all the constant shops that are appearing one week and disappearing the next. I want to go to get pictures, to experience the shopping and to see friends i haven’t seen in a while but i don’t know if i ever will. I suppose this is what they call that wishful thinking.

I know i can do it, I’ve already done it once and proved to myself that it was possible and i could fully enjoy myself whilst im out there so the fact im even more anxious to go back then what i was confuses me even more. I’ve never really experienced a feeling like this before so its all a new learning curve for me, whether its one i begin to understand is another story.

Have a good day

Sky x

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Embarrassing anxiety moment?….

Last night i went on a night out, a night out that ive probably been out to untold times. A night out that always starts and ends the same so gives me somewhat help in getting my mind ready for if something may happen. Last night however it was anything but normal. The start of the night was perfectly fine, in fact we started half way through the day and i was able to have a really good and relaxed time. My chest pains were hurting, an effect of my own stupidity may i add, but apart from that everything was fine.

We had a few pre-drinks you know the normal of drink more, spend less when you’re out sort of thing that everyone’s does and it was going alright. Now im not going to go into detail about the events that happened because not only would that be rude of me but its not something that i feel would be appreciated in being plastered on the internet so instead im going to skip forward to my major attack.

I wish i could explain what started it specifically but if im honest with you i haven’t got a clue. Its that feeling that takes over you and then you’re more then aware that everyone else is around you and probably looking at why you are acting somewhat strange so in true Sky fashion i went to the toilet. Not only to try and calm myself down but to also avoid making a dick out of myself. I still did. I thought i had fully calmed down turns out as soon as i came out of the toilet i completely lost it and went into a pretty mild anxiety attack (mild for me anyway)

I always feel with my blog i should let everyone know that its not something to be embarrassed about and you shouldn’t feel that way. Its true you shouldn’t but that doesn’t mean you dont. I cant even begin to explain to you how stupid i felt as soon as it had passed, how embarrassed i was that people had to witness that in such a public place. I mean granted at the end of it i was able to carry on with my night and get drunk and forget about it but as soon as i woke up this morning i just felt horrid. You see when you have an anxiety attack you’re somewhat embarrassed over what you’re anxious about, its a natural feeling but when you have that feeling plus completely losing it to the level i did, its beyond embarrassing, i could cry thinking about it right now.

Its made me somewhat more self conscious. I wont be rushing out anywhere anytime soon, i doubt ill have any plans made simply because i need my time to get over such embarrassment so until then i’ll probably dissolve back into my little safe bubble i have. Not that it makes it any better. Having an anxiety attack that bad in front of people effects you in EVERY way. I dont want to be around people, i dont want to risk that happening again and i just dont want anyone to know me right now, thats the level of embarrassment i feel every time one of those attacks happen. It sounds silly and im aware it sounds silly like everything i write about probably sounds silly in one point of view but its real and it happens regularly.

On the plus side my makeup stayed in tact!

Have a good day 

Sky x

UK Statistics

As someone who suffers with several mental illnesses i feel wounded when i see someone talk about it in such a lighthearted way, as if its treated perfectly fine and we get everything we need to progress within ourselves. It makes me feel as though we arent being taken serious enough nor are we really being as much of a statement as physical injuries. I feel as though if mental health was taught in schools and the audience of understanding was made wider then there will be alot more understanding about it. So i decided to do a different post today, a more informative one. Did you know?

  • Among teenagers the rates of depression and anxiety have increased by 70% over the last 25 years
  • The number of children and young people who have been sent to A and E with a psychiatric condition has more then doubled since 2009? The last recorded number being in 2014 which topped at almost 18 thousand people.
  • Childline released statistics in late 2014 showing that in that year alone they held 35 thousand counselling sessions with children who talked about suicide which is a 116% increase since 2011.
  • 1 in 4 people will experience a mental health problem each year the main ones being mixed anxiety and depression, anxiety, depression, OCD, post traumatic stress disorder, eating disorders, phobias and panic disorder.
  • The UK invests £115 million per year on mental health research,which may i add is decreasing massively every year, Mental health receives 5.5% of the UK health research money. This meaning there is a mere budget of £9.95 spent on each individual person affected by mental health problems which has probably decreased since the last statistics were released.
  • In the year changing from 2014 to 2015 the number of people getting in touch with mental health and disability services hit a high at nearly 2 million.
  • The mental health act was used nearly 60,000 times in 2014/15 to detain people which was shown as the highest ever increase at 10%
  • in 2014/15 there was near 4,000 inpatient admissions under the child and adolescent psychiatry speciality, half of which were noted down as an emergency.

I would like to add that not only could this be inaccurate since as it was last updated there has probably been a large increase in the numbers but we also have to take in mind those people who suffer in the dark, who are either too frightened to come forward about it or those people who are turned away. I am aware that a doctor having a list and symptoms is a way of knuckling down on the amount of people they admit to help what with low funding but i feel as though its downright wrong that you have to fit a certain criteria and get to a certain level of dangerous before they offer you the help you may be entitled too. I feel as though it should be treated in the same respect as a physical injury. Get a solution or help before it gets worse and somewhat incurable.

If you are reading this and are one of those people that go around posting funny things about mental health or you do those chain posts or especially people who will say they are depressed because they didn’t get what they wanted or they have chronic anxiety because they were momentarily nervous about something they needed to do. Please please please take us into consideration, we are not taken seriously as it is, nor are we given the correct equipment to help us get anywhere near where we need to be. I know to you it may seem as though its silly but to us its something we are extremely passionate about, something that effects us constantly and to be put in a category that is made fun out of constantly or used as the punch line of a joke is degrading to what we are trying to achieve.

Search the web, read a book, become more informed about mental health and inform others, it can go a long way.

Have a good day

Sky x

Should children be made to do presentations in class?

As some of you are aware my posts have taken a turn into the education part of things lately. This mainly being because as i am turning 20 im not looking into doing anymore education. I mean i wouldn’t say never because one day i might want to re look into some sort of education if i become interested in taking a particular path but right now i have no need or want to go into anymore education. This made me think about all the things i find somewhat wrong with the education system. Now i am in no way saying it is the same for every single person and every single school because obviously i have no idea whether that could be the case as i am only one person experiencing it at one school.

However i realised that when you hit, mainly year 9 sometimes before, you are made to partake in a Speaking and Listening controlled assessment. If you’re not sure what this is, its basically where you are given a topic to go and revise to then give a presentation about in front of your class. You are then graded on how you give your presentation before being graded on how well you are listening to other peoples presentations. The listening part is as easy as it sounds. You turn up to class, sit there and look in any direction and the teacher doesn’t really bat an eyelid towards it.

The speaking part is a whole different story. With my very first speaking and listening presentation i was in year 9. I had told the teacher about my situation and how i felt extremely uncomfortable and somewhat sick to present to the front of the class and i even offered to come in my spare time to the staff room and present it to the teachers. It was easier for me that way, i was able to cope. Instead of guiding me along and helping me find a situation that suited not only my comfort but also gave the teacher what she wanted, i was made and forced into a situation that i could only describe as hell. I was told if i didn’t complete the speaking and listening presentation in front of everyone then she was going to fail me on not only the speaking part but the listening part aswell. Not only that but she made me believe this was a big chunk towards my final grade. As a year 9 student this is something you dont want to mess up. It being the year you were out to impress and hopefully set up for your future GCSE classes.

I wish i could say i was one of those people who found it nervous but eventually got over it and faced my fear but i wasn’t. What the teacher failed to see that day was that granted you get nervous when doing a presentation, nerves is a normal thing but when you’re panicking, having days off because of the fear, losing sleep and crying your eyes out thats when the teacher needs to reevaluate the situation to suit both of your needs.

I do think if you’re in a school then you should have to do everything everyone else does, maybe at different levels and different ways but you are still able to do everything. So i do think we should do speaking and listening presentations, i just think we should do them in a different way.

I can present in front of my friends fine. I can present in front of teachers fine. I cant present in front of an entire class that mostly hate me with the thought on my mind that if i do something out of line it will stick with me forever. I cant present and have 30 sets of eyes of people i feel uncomfortable around in an everyday situation staring back at me just waiting for me to mess up and quite frankly when you have popular people in your class its never really ever comfortable even walking into the room.

I feel as though people with mental health are expected to show it constantly and constantly have to prove to people that they really do have it and it sickens me. It sickens me that in year 9 i was never taken seriously and made to do something that made me make myself physically sick and it sickens me that it probably is still going on today. I personally dont understand what makes it different between presenting in front of your class and presenting in front of a couple of friends. They are judging you on your presenting, the way you handle yourself and how you get the information across and that should be the main thing.

If they feel comfortable doing presentations or they’re just a little nervous then im all for giving them a little nudge but if you constantly give someone a nudge and are aware of how uncomfortable it makes them then stop. I don’t understand why anyone who is aware of how physically draining it is for a person is able to just keep pushing them until it effects their health in such a way they’re unable to even think of going into school

Education is important, yes but your health mentally and physically is a hell of alot more important then your education. Dont let someone tell you it isn’t.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, Secondary School.

Going into Secondary school was never going to be easy, it taking me 6 years already to settle into a school with people i knew the whole time not really making me feel confident about how i was going to settle into a completely new school with a new schedule, new children and a whole new layout. As some of you may be aware before you go into secondary school you have two induction days. I only went to one and the one day i did attend i cried the entire day, i HATED it. I felt trapped and the fact that the rest of the years looked down on us and thought they could get away with treating us however they wanted didn’t help but add to my already off the scale anxiety. This meant that on the second induction day i went straight back to that girl i had left behind only half a year ago. Sobbing my heart out every morning and putting my parents through absolute hell due to the fear i had.

Year 7 – 2008

Year 7 was a year of complete change for me. I had gone from having that safety network of being walked right to the classroom door to only being walked up to my nans and then walking with my sister and brother into school. I had gone to having these different classes with different teachers that didn’t understand the past situations or how to handle it correctly and worse of all, i had gone from everyone being equal in the classroom to it all being about being at the top of the popularity table. It was like a war zone to me.

However apart from the obvious changes, looking back at my report i seemed to do perfectly fine work wise. My grades being very high and only having 1 C for the end of year, the rest being A’s and B’s. Which taking into consideration everything that was going on in that time of my life i can only be shocked about.

Getting further into the year however, in geography especially, my mood seemed to start changing towards how i would act when things would happen.

“It is also a concern to me that when Sky is corrected for something such as turning around or talking, she tends to react negatively and become upset rather than taking the correction on board”

I remember that subject very well and although i dont particularly remember the teacher very well i do remember one incident where i had gotten so upset i walked out of the class and locked myself in the toilet. I had been humiliated in front of the entire class by the teacher and to me that was my worst nightmare come true. After that i bunked off Geography as much as i could.

I suppose a plus for me in some ways is that by the time i was in year 7 my sister and brother were both known by pretty much every teacher as they were a couple of years in front of me and compared to them i was an angel so i managed to get away with alot more then i should have, thankfully.

Maths: “Sky is an enthusiastic student who takes pride in her work. Sky works best when in a small group but will still need to participate in the whole class discussions. She is a little quiet in class and i am concerned that she does not always ask if she does not fully understand the task that has been set”

English: “Sky is most often focused and ready to participate. She can be a hard working and conscientious student”

Science: “Sky is making good progress in Science. She asks and answers questions and is always willing to share her thoughts and ideas with the class”

 

Year 8 – 2009

I feel as though year 8 was the year i settled back again into someone who didn’t particularly enjoy the school atmosphere but knew i just had to get on with it. Granted i still had alot more time off school but i didn’t feel as petrified to go in. I mean there was the odd rumours going round but at the end of the day i wasn’t going to let something silly effect me so deeply.

I dont really have any memories of year 8 other then knowing it was a big year as it was the last year i would have to go along with the standard lessons for school as at the end of the year i would be able to choose what i felt confident in doing.

Even though my grades stayed quiet steady reading through my report its clear that my confidence was taking a tumble. This was the year i would become unable to do presentations or present anything to a group of people.

English: “Sky can explain her opinions clearly, although she needs to ensure she displays herself confidently in presentations”

Maths: “I would like Sky to be more vocal in the classroom both with asking questions and sharing ideas as i worry this may hinder her progress in later years”

Science: “Sky is a confident and charismatic member of the group who is only too willing to share her ideas and opinions”

Year 9 – 2010

Where to start with this year. Everything changed. My lessons, the people in those lessons and the importance of what i was doing. It quite frankly petrified me. This is where bullying really was an issue. An issue to the point at the start of year 9 i didn’t attend school for at least 2 months. I felt horrible. Like those little rumours going around in school had sudden become even worse and i was trapped and unable to make any friends because they all saw me in the same way merely because the people who had spread the rumours were among the popular lot and to be honest in school everyone’s basically chained to their arse.

This meant that before i had even started getting into learning the options i had chosen i was behind. My grades had slipped and i was somewhat struggling to keep up. This is also the year i had gone back to making a fuss about going to school. Every morning i would say i was poorly to push my luck and see if i was able to have the day off of school. Sadly this is also the year my dad had to quit work because of health issues meaning i wasn’t able to get away with just as much time off as i used too.

My English grades had slipped from an A to a C. My maths from an A to a D and BTEC science i was failing. It was basically a year where my mental health became more prominent in my life but at the time it didn’t occur to anyone that was happening. I didn’t even know that these issues existed, we were never taught about mental health or the effects it could have on a person let alone what to look out for when diagnosing.

When i did finally go back into school i came to the realization that a few of my new option classes were fine. Hospitality and catering only having 7 people in it and all of them being somewhat friendly so i managed to cope. My option ICT being the same, everyone got along. They were quite possibly the only subjects in school that i was able to just sit and relax too. Then halfway through the year everything got bad again and with doing presentations being a compulsory thing in school subjects i had a complete meltdown and felt myself reaching bottom again and not being able to go into school, skipping days and even lessons whenever i could. Add all that with the fact i didn’t particular get along with my English teacher as it was, it was like hell for me.

English, Lesson attendance 74.5% :“Sky needs to spend more time on her class and her home work, as it can sometimes be unfinished or not completed to the highest of standard. Her controlled assessment is up to date except for her performance piece which needs to be completed as soon as possible. Sky achieved a band 2 on her recent controlled assessment and should be aiming for a band 4/5”

Maths, Lesson attendance 76.5%: “Sky is currently working at a grade B and is a focused member of the group who wants to achieve a high grade. Skys class work is good quality and she finds it easy to understand new topics”

Science, Lesson attendance 74.3%: “Sky is a hard working and conscientious student who always produces a good standard of work. Sky should be proud of her achievements this year”

Year 10 – 2011

What can i say about this year other then it was the start of my complete downhill spiral. I sadly dont have a report for this year as i was just not at school that much to be able to receive one. Quite frankly during this year if i was at school it was a miracle. I was behind on all my work and setting myself up for a fail.

I had changed classes yet again which caused me an unnecessary amount of stress. I had been kept in BTEC science when i had really wanted to be put into a GCSE class for that year so i spent the first couple of lessons sorting my move out to another class, who i was lucky enough to have an amazing teacher for.

I had English with a different teacher which i was happy about but my old teacher had spoke about me so much in the staff room that i felt somewhat scared of any English teacher as i had been given so many funny looks from them all, even given snide marks by my old English teacher whilst they were around. Turns out the day she realised i wasn’t in her class anymore she made a funny remark about it in front of the entire class. Another confidence knock.

This year was filled with loads of knock downs if im honest with you. I remember an incident in business where the shape of my hair bun became topic of conversation which led me to cut my hair to a reasonable length so i could have it in a ponytail, i remember just walking to class no problem and a girl making a remark about not putting some foam on me because i would cry like a baby and the worst one of all, i remember going into maths late one day as i had a form meeting with my tutor which at one point everyone had to have and i had been told to pick a group to join. Being a normal person i picked a group with one of my friends in only to be met with the loud and very rude remark of “I dont want her joining our group” The entire class laughed. I have never in my entire life felt as humiliated and hurt as i did that moment. Not one person stuck up for me or said something back for the remark and that is something that i will always remember from School.

Year 11 – 2012

I say year, it was more like a few weeks. A few weeks that fully petrified me into never wanting my future kids to go into a school, to never want them to experience education in the way i did. The year hadn’t started off very well as it was, although i had all the same classes, luckily. There had been an incident which meant there was a lot of fuss. Im sure ive mentioned this before but im not going into it, we are grown ups now and thats a thing of the past, a thing i do not hold any grudges or anything for and a situation that just needs to be forgotten now.

I had been pulled out of classes by teachers non stop, not only for this situation but for other reasons such as my attendance already failing and my work going dramatically downhill. The issue i had a problem with is they were moaning about my work going downhill but it was them that were taking me out of class for god knows how long to have a long rant at me about what was expected of me. This meaning i was losing vital time on my lessons for my GCSEs.

Now due to everything i didn’t quite see the point in going into school. My mental health had gotten to a very severe point at this stage and it was in fact my dad who said to me if i wanted to leave school that was up to me and he would be 100% behind me. Now i must admit leaving school at the start of the most important year there is was not something i thought i would ever be doing. I wanted to do my GCSEs, go to six form and hopefully get into university but here i was stuck in a situation where i was going to lessons crying my eyes out over the stress and the anxiety of everything. One situation getting so bad that i had been crying my eyes out in the toilet for 20 minutes before going back into lesson to only go straight in and ending up sobbing my eyes out for the rest of the lesson. Luckily my science teacher was a very understanding man.

That was the day i had enough and i called my mum and said to her to come and get me, that was the day i had cemented in my mind that i was leaving school and not coming back. That was also the day a teacher had called my mum an unfit mother but again thats not something i am going to get into.

So thats pretty much my entire school life written out for you all in stages to help you understand properly just when everything started to go wrong. I left school with no GCSEs and the worst mental health but here i am today. Different achievements thanks to college and a mental health that is slowly improving. I may have felt like i ruined many years of my life with a situation that made me feel beyond fixable but i was lucky enough to gain some amazing people in my life thanks to it.

Have a good day

Sky x

Looking back to my school life, infants and juniors….

As i turn 20 in a week or so i decided to have a clear out of my bedroom and as i was doing so i happened to come across all my reports from when i was at school. Now as someone who likes to keep absolutely everything, going through them i realised i have nearly every report from every school year. So here is a post about the comments my teachers made and how i felt at that time and if it effected me in anyway with my work and social skills.

Pre-School – 2000.

I dont remember much about pre-school only that it was a tiny little couple of rooms that was attached to the infants school. That and there used to be a lady who worked there and had blonde hair and always wore glasses. Other then that i couldn’t really tell you anything about my experience there as i was clearly too young to remember anything. The comments i get in my report however say nothing but positive things. If anything the report makes me come across as a very confident child.

“Sky shows excellent understanding of writing having a purpose and is keen to write lists, especially at role play activities. She has the confidence to sing songs to the group”

For as long as i can remember i would never get up in front of the class to present something without freaking out let alone sing to a group of people. Up until the last year or so i wouldn’t even sing loudly in my bedroom without the fear of my parents or someone hearing and making a sarcastic comment.

“Sky has a caring and affectionate nature and is an enthuasiastic and cheerful member of pre-school. She interacts well with others and often (not sure what word she uses as i am unable to understand her handwriting) group play”

Year R to Year 2

I remember year R very vividly. I remember having a boyfriend who also had 6 other girlfriends and thinking that was completely normal. I remember only having to walk a little extra to what i would have to get to my new class and my teacher being very sweet. Other then that i dont remember anything else. However i left near the end of year R to attend a school in Northampton so sadly i never got a report for that year. Nor did i for year 1 or year 2. But i remember year 2 like it was yesterday.

I remember having a teacher called Miss Scott who was horrible. By this stage i had become petrified of school and had screamed and cried every morning because i couldn’t face going in. Everyone was aware of the situation. The school, everyone in the playground and probably the whole town with how loud my screams were. However this teacher put it all down to me being a ‘spoilt brat’ so i got no sympathy in that respect. I remember two specific days very clearly.

Day 1 i had managed to somehow be persuaded to go into the classroom and i just remember sitting their during reading time crying my eyes out and when my friend came to comfort me she would have ago at them and tell them to leave me alone as i was in a mood and needed to come out of it before having any play. Day 2 is a little more embarrassing on my behalf and it haunts me every day since. My mum had tried everything to get me to go in to school with no fuss and one day she persuaded me to come to the school for a meeting and as soon as i realised i wasn’t going home with her i lost it. I remember being in the corridor screaming because i physically didn’t want to be left alone in this place that i felt so alone in. In turn i ended up seeing my mum cry her eyes out for the first time due to guilt that she was forcing me to do something that was making me in such a state. I feel as though that day effected me in some way for every day after but i dont dare mention it and bring back those memories for my mum.

Year 3 – 2004

I want to say year 3 started off great but then that would be some lie. It started off terrible. The first day of year 3 i stood in the playground and refused to go in. I had my hair cut short and i felt stupid. I felt like i was going to get bullied now i was in this entirely new school with people i didn’t particularly know. This in turn caused a huge scene in front of my new classmates and my new teacher which just about set me up for the entire year.

Looking on the positive side of school for once. My teacher was great. She had my brother the previous year meaning her and my mum were on a page they both understood and everything wasn’t so scary for my mum to leave me in her care.

“Sky is usually a happy friendly child. She works with enthusiasm and interest, always trying her best. She always listens well when lessons are being introduced and in discussion will often offer thoughtful contributions to the topic under discussion”

Despite my wobbles during the year in year 3 i had full attendance. I attended school 100%. Which you’ll come to realise is a one off for me. Im quite shocked myself actually looking at the attendance sheet. Thats not something i expected to see. In year 3 i did my Interim tests and my results are pretty impressive. Reading being a 3C. Writing being a 2B and maths being a 2B.

Year 4 – 2005

I dont remember year 4 that well. Im not sure why but its just not something thats stuck in my mind like the other years. I remember the teacher very clearly. We didn’t get along. I was always on the end of her lectures somehow. I could go through my report with you but quite frankly its just a whole load of writing of her putting me down in some part of my work and its not something i look on very fondly. I mean granted i wasn’t the smartest in my years at school but i didn’t have trouble at all with doing things correctly and having work done on time. She seemed to disagree clearly.

“Sky is very keen to do well and does try her best most of the time. She must remember not to rush her work and to check for easily correctable mistakes”

Again looking back on my attendance for year 4 im shocked. I have a 96.8% attendance. I mean granted although i was having trouble going in everyday it hadn’t gotten to the point where it was affecting me very widely.

Year 5 – 2006

Shoutout to my teacher for this year. Mr O’Neill. He was absolutely amazing especially as this year was quite possibly the worst out of all of the years i went to school. I absolutely hated it by this point. Refusing to go into school and getting away with it because my dad was at work so i could just bunk off as most of the time my mum was poorly. By this point every one in the school was aware of what a horror i was in the morning. It getting to a point where my learning was affected as i would get myself in such a state that i wouldn’t be able to concentrate for the rest of the day.

“Sky is an able girl who has maintained a good standard across the subject range. She listens well and can express her opinion clearly. Sky needs to work hard to begin the day without the show of tears and moans that she puts you through. Despite all the support offered to her by Mrs Gee and the school, Sky has it in her own control to curb the daily performance. She must maintain regular attendance and tackle each day in a positive cheery manner”

It going so far that the headteachers comment was also involved.

“Now that Sky is moving to year 6 i expect to hear that she is taking a far more mature to entering school in the morning. She is a bright young lady and i expect her to pull all her efforts into achieving to her potential”

I hate to think what my attendance for year 5 was as i hardly ever attended but seen as i dont seem to have an attendance slip to hand i suppose it’ll just leave us all guessing.

Year 6 – 2007

Year 6. The year we have drummed into our minds that our future could be affected by the choices we make in this specific year. The year we spend being stressed over how much our work needs to be put forward in order to achieve something we can be proud of and show off to other people.

This year was pretty ok for me if im honest. I had a few wobbles but the mornings seem to calm down by the time i got to year 6. Being in the same class for so many years i had finally gotten used to the people around me and felt comfortable going in every morning. I mean i must admit i had alot of time off school meaning i fell behind quite alot but that was just a usual thing i did by now. If something got too much i would have a couple of days off school to have a calm down about the whole situation. In year 6 however you weren’t allowed to do that. Take even an hour off to go to the dentist they would come at you about how important this year was and how you were affecting the decision on your future school.

I remember one time in year 6 where i had been a typical child and mixed blue paint with glue whilst i was cleaning it all away and my teacher absolutely let rip on me. I felt humiliated and sat there for the rest of the lesson crying my eyes out because to me i was cleaning it away and it wasn’t going to be used anyway so i didn’t see what the problem was however for her it was some out of control issue that she felt the need to humiliate me for in front of the entire class. That the meaning i had more days off as i was too embarrassed to even go into class for at least a week of two after that.

“Sky always listens well to lesson introductions and she makes good contributions to the class discussions. She also works hard at her table and has produced some wonderful pieces of work this year. Because of this, she has been my student of the week on more than one occasion. During the second half of the year Skys work speed increased dramatically and i regularly had to provide her with extra work as she was going so fast. Although i am concerned at the amount of time that she has had off school, in particular during the build up to her SATs.

My headteachers comment for the end of the school seeming to be somewhat similar

“Skys attendance for the whole year has fallen below 85% and this needs to improve next year. Over the four years i have never had to speak to Sky about anything negative”

Turns out my time off didn’t affect my SATs at all. I achieved a level 4 in everything except reading which i achieved a level 5 in. Which is a level thats above the national standard expected for most 11 year olds.

I feel as though i was very lucky as although going to school was hard for me during Juniors and Infants it doesn’t seem to have had that much of an effect on my school work, meaning i was able to achieve above average in the end even when the teachers doubted i would be able to achieve even average due to so much time off. I am no way boasting, its just how it is. I find myself very intelligent. Not overly intelligent and someone who should stand out of a crowd of people but as intelligent as you would expect a  young woman at my age to be and that is something i find a good credit about myself despite everything i have had to go through in my life.

You may have noticed this is only my Infants and Junior year. Due to this blog post being so long i felt it was only best to split it into two different blog posts as my secondary school years are filled with alot more complicated situations as the classes are all separate and there are different attendances, teacher comments and grades for each class.

Look out for my next post and feel free to sign up for email alerts when a post is posted, it will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Have a good day

Sky x

Anxiety around Children…

Before i get in depth about this blog post i would like to just note here that i am in no way a parent, not legally or biologically. I am an auntie, i mean im sure if you speak to some of my family members they may disagree on that matter but thats a whole load of drama for another time, this blog post is simply the things i experience with my anxiety whilst my nieces are in my care.

For as long as i can remember i have been a very big part of my eldest nieces life. Her coming to stay at our house from a very young age meant mine are her bond grew to be something quite special. As she was growing up obviously you have the initial panicking everyone has when theres a baby around. Constantly checking if shes breathing when she seemed to sleep even a couple minutes longer, the fear of her putting something dangerous in her mouth or simply just the standard fear of her bumping her head when she finally got into the stages of exploring and my god Olivia has done it all.

When Olivia-May was first born i was so anxious to hold her or even pick her up as i never really knew how you was correctly meant to hold a baby and right until i knew she was able to hold her own head up i tried to avoid it, unless that is however someone passed her to me  and i was sitting down. I like to think I’ve become less anxious when holding babies as when my second niece Ellie came along i picked her up and carried her around no problem and she was ALOT smaller then Olivia.

Another thing that caused me to nearly call an ambulance quite often is the eye rolling, and again bare in mind i had no experience with or around children prior to my nieces. Its something that im still not able to handle. I have been told that babies when they’re first born dont have particularly good control of their eyes so some may roll alot where others may be pretty relaxed so i do understand the concept of it but for me personally i panic every time.

Even noises or funny movements. For example my eldest niece Olivia-May who will be 4 in August has this new thing where if shes excited, annoyed or just angry shes shake her body in a fit like manner and it PETRIFIES me. Im unsure where she suddenly picked it up from but as an adult its something i wish she never. I mean granted im happy in the sense there is nothing wrong when she does do it but my mind goes crazy and every time im petrified that its not her doing it and there is something wrong but at that age they eventually grow out of things and this is one of those things im hoping she grows out of soon.

With my eldest niece Olivia we didn’t really have that big a problem with her putting small objects in her mouth as she was quite attached to her dummy so she never really put anything that was dangerous in her mouth, that i can recall anyway but my youngest niece doesn’t have a dummy, never has and doesn’t really give them the time of day which means at any given advantage she will put ANYTHING in her mouth. Like you know when you’re sitting playing bricks after dinner and she picks something up and puts it in her mouth, i have that panic every time until its either out her mouth or we realise its nothing but abit of dinner shes dropped. Trust me that kid can eat.

Reading through these i like to think they’re quite normal things to be anxious about around children and they are. I mean i do have the odd moment when i become anxious thinking about what situation might be unfolding but thats not talk for such a public writing platform.

So all in all i dont think i get anymore anxious then a normal person around children, if im honest i feel like im alot more relaxed in the sense they dont take anything seriously, you can never do wrong in a kids eye and you never have any expectations from them to do anything, i mean i do spoil them both quite alot but i dont feel like i have to constantly be on edge around them in the way i would be in an adult situation. If anything they help my anxiety which is probably a good thing with the amount of time i spend looking after them. In all honesty it could become completely different the day i become a mother to my own kids and i could look back on this blog post wishing it was all this easy but that isn’t for at least another couple of years so for now i think i can rest a little.

Have a good day

Sky x